Still feel bullied and controlled by BPDex

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi. It's been a while since I posted on here. I left my BPDex in February this year, we have 3 kids, d1, d3, and d6. They currently spend almost 4 days a week with me (covering 2 nights) in my one bedroom flat (apartment for you guys across the pond).

I'm struggling with the idea that i'm still essentially under her control. She now has the kids to use as a weapon against me, and makes regular threats to move out of town, prevent me from seeing them (then telling the kids I cant be bothered with them) and today, threatening to post a video she claims to have on her phone from a year ago where I admitted to hitting d3 in a moment of frustration, on Facebook.

I guess I just foolishly expected things would be different. Pretty naive huh.

[ThisWayUp]

Hi. It's been a while since I posted on here. I left my BPDex in February this year, we have 3 kids, d1, d3, and d6. They currently spend almost 4 days a week with me (covering 2 nights) in my one bedroom flat (apartment for you guys across the pond).

I'm struggling with the idea that i'm still essentially under her control. She now has the kids to use as a weapon against me, and makes regular threats to move out of town, prevent me from seeing them (then telling the kids I cant be bothered with them) and today, threatening to post a video she claims to have on her phone from a year ago where I admitted to hitting d3 in a moment of frustration, on Facebook.

I guess I just foolishly expected things would be different. Pretty naive huh.

[livednlearned]

Hi ThisWayUp,

I found that my daily moment-to-moment life got better when the marriage ended, but things did remain challenging when it came to parenting.

You can do a lot, that's the good news. It won't ever be as good as two healthy parents raising the kids, but it doesn't have to be a nightmare. The most important thing I did was to learn everything I could about validation. Your ex will brainwash the kids and try to alienate them against you. That seems to be one of the rules out of the BPD playbook. I think BPD parents deal with kids like they are siblings, and that's really confusing for kids. Parents are supposed to be parents and put the kids first, but BPD parents can't do that.

Validating your kids, especially D3 and D6, will go a long way. It's a technique that really works, and many of us who end up in BPD relationships often didn't get a lot of it as kids ourselves, so it's a learned skill, something we have to figure out how to do on our own. That means when your kids tell you something that their mom said (often something she said that's so distorted it's all but false), the key is to start learning to validate their feelings instead of defending yourself against the accusation. Does that make sense?

It's really important. I'm not explaining it well - there's a book called Power of Validation which is written specifically for parents. Well worth buying it and reading it cover to cover. Self-help type books are a pain to read and I have a hard time finishing them, but I'm glad I did it with this one. I go back to it from time to time because techniques change as the kids age.

When your ex tells your kids something like, "Your dad doesn't want to spend time with you" that is deeply worrying and even scary to kids. So when they come to you and tell you what she said, instead of just saying, "I love you guys and will never leave" the thing to say is "That must've felt really bad when she said that to you. How did you feel? Do you worry about daddy leaving you?"

What you're trying to do is get them to listen to their feelings, and learn to trust them. They won't get that from their BPD mom. In fact, they will get the opposite. She won't want them to have their own feelings or values.

It's hard to get the hang of it. Often, when we hear something awful that our ex's say about us, we want to reassure our kids or point out that the accusation is false right away. You can still do that, but sometimes it's better to focus first on validating the feelings. Ask them questions about how they felt -- show them you are the parent who actually cares how they feel. And then later, when things cool down, reassure them, and make sure they know the truth.

There other book you often see recommended here is Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak. I kind of freaked myself when I read it, and was prepared for the worst. But I caught things early and started to do some reverse ninja moves on my son when he was 11, and it had a huge effect. The sooner you start validating and dealing with this stuff, the better your kids will do.

BPD sufferers seem so chaotic and erratic, but there is a lot that is predictable.

As for the video -- are you in fact admitting to hit your child in the video? Do you already have a custody order in place, or whatever the equivalent is called where you live? It sounds like you are concerned that she will shame you, but are you also worried that there are legal implications?

Maybe post over on the Family Law board to see if others have had similar experiences. First thing I would do is find out if it's legal for her to record you without your permission. You might be able to get a court order to stop her from posting the video. Unfortunately, you sometimes have to lawyer up in order to prevent things from getting worse. Here in the US, you can pay $100 or so to consult with a lawyer. That might give you peace of mind about whether she is doing something against the law.

Also, are there corporal punishment laws where you live?

[ThisWayUp]

Hi Livednlearned.

Thanks for your reply, you make a lot of sense. Yes I am definitely happier now that i'm not having to deal with the ex's shenanigans on a daily basis. I guess part of me kinda resents those people who have the "luxury" of going no contact after a split, but then I did have 3 kids with a crazy lady so I guess regular unpleasantness is still to be expected.

The point you made about validating the kids is a very good one. I'll make an extra effort to do that and try harder to resist temptation to defend myself.

There is no legal agreement in place as I cant afford a lawyer or court costs as im on benefits (welfare) due to a pretty severe visual impairment I've always had. We just have an informal agreement. Not ideal when dealing with the predictably chaotic type.

As for the video. I dont know. I remember her claiming to have recorded my admission g  guilt one evening before I split, after hours of her saying everything she could think of to break me down. I was making good use of the tools that evening and just calmly validated her right to opinion, while respectfully disagreeing. She hated it and kept point on the pressure but tge best she got was me admitting something I already admitted several times over in the past, and it'snot like it's somethingi was proud of. I'm against hitting kids, though it was an isolated incident, and is nowhere near something that would be on the radar of Social (child protective) services. Just blown out of proportion and now used as a threat to try and keep me in line, as always. I figuredfge best way of dealing with threatsis to basically ignore them, as I figure she'sreally just looking to get an emotional response from me to continue the conflict.

Thanks for the advice  

[david]

A single incident, whether you said it or not, is a single incident. Multiple incidents sets a pattern.

Document everything you can. The times the kids are with you may become important later on if she tries to remove you from the kids lives.

Learning how to validate your kids is extremely important in the long run.

[livednlearned]

If you qualified for legal aid, would you want a formal order in place?

[ThisWayUp]

We separated for 6 months in 2012 before I (foolishly) decided to try again, resulting in the birth of D1. During that time she stopped between me and the kids. Back then I was able to get legal aid and got a lawyer who after sending her letters and get refusing to try mediation, I applied to go to court to get a contact order. That never happened becausewe reconciled before it got to court. The British government have subsequently stopped legal aid for family breakdowns so i'm pretty much at her mercy.

On a more positive note, I do feel I have a better relationshipwith my kids now, and they're always pleased to see me, and seem to know that I love them so I guess the proof is in the pudding. It definitely can't hurt to work on validating they're feelings though, I had plenty of practice trying to validate my ex all those years  

[enlighten me]

One thing ive learned from both my exs is that they will do what they want no matter what you do so even though its a worry you will only get yourself worked up for something you cant control.

I have also smacked my eldest and it is not something I am proud of but the incident was due to him punching his younger brother in the face. I have spoken to him about it since and apologised and he accepted that he was in the wrong and said he deserved it. Doesnt make me feel good about doing it but at least he doesnt resent me for it.

I seem to be in a place now with my exs that they dont try to play games. I believe this is because I have stuck to my boundaries but more importantly I dont bad mouth them to the kids. This means only they can be held responsible to how the kids reat to them. I am painted white by the ex wife which makes life so much easier. Probably psinted black by the exgf but I dont do anything to antagonise the situation so hopefully she will have no reason to start.

It did get worse before it got better as they tested my boundaries and didnt like that they were solid.

[nona]

Hang in there you are getting good advice.

learn validation if it pains you, learn it anywaay. it is counterintuitive (kinda like BPD)... kinda seems too crazy to believe that this would work.

It works tremendously well for my D11 even though hellacious alienation.

I have come to believe why it works is it calms the flight or flight brain chemicals , making connection a bit smother.

Unconscious flight or flight in us is our form of PTSD.

ALmost 4 years no contact (HA big joke with kids soo... .email only) Hundreds of threats and bat crazy.

It quieted for awhile but... .I have been getting some extra harrassments and threats ala  "The Holidays".

and the next thing I knew, i was feeling the old PTSD feelings. Shut down, shocked, on autopilot, looking "mad" to d11.

learn to identify when we are having PTSD reactions to CRAZY threats . Calm ourselves.

It helps me to picture XUBPD looking the boogy man.

VAlidate the kids.

No matter how crazy what they are saying.

This calms down both our nervous system we can move to connection easier and quicker.

My new motto is "feel the PTSD and have a great life today ANYWAY ! <3