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Crumbling
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« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2014, 06:54:39 AM » |
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Thanks for the links, RR, and the validation. I think these thoughts are more common then we want to admit.
My father did not have the support he should have had, and I wasn't directly in his life at the time. My mom and I left him when I was really little. He threatened to kill himself so many times, that it became a standing joke in his family, until he succeeded, then it wasn't funny anymore. His situation is an example of how NOT to deal with threats. He had pictures of me all over his place, and yet, not once did he contact me. I felt a lot of guilt after his death, because I thought if he knew how much I loved and needed him, he would never have done what he did. So somehow, in my young mind, I thought that was my fault.
When I attempted, I went to sleep with all those pills in me thinking I was completing a natural cycle in life - my dad, now me. What I wasn't thinking about was my children, and how hard it would make life for them. I was lucky in the sense that the pills I took didn't complete the job. I told no one I was doing it. I was going to go to sleep and never wake up again. Period.
But I did wake up. When my eyes opened the next morning... .I was confused at first - why am I still here? Then this thought popped into my head, God's not done with me yet. Which moved into God doesn't want me either... .it was a very negative time in my head. To this day, I'm not sure why it didn't work. When I finally told a medical professional years later, she couldn't believe I had survived either. I am left with scars, my internal organs suffered damage, and now meds are something we need to be very careful with.
I read through the feeds, the links you suggested, and there is a lot of great advice here. I really like this statement:
"The majority of people who feel suicidal do not actually want to die; they do not want to live the life they have."
In my situation, I definitely did not want to live the life I had, but I also didn't think there was any other life out there for me. I had no hope. No faith that things would get better, or change.
That's the difference between the me now and the me then - today, I have hope. Today, I have a knowing that what I feel right now can, and likely will, be totally different than what I feel tomorrow. I understand better what the feed said, that this feeling of wanting to die, is temporary. But just as important, I think, is knowing that this feeling is also normal.
None of us want to suffer. None of us want to feel pain. But it happens, and when it does, that ache in the chest comes, and real physical pain from the emotions happens, and it's all so big, and so consuming. Then throw in the knowing that the one person in the world that you love the most is incapable of supporting your emotional needs, and I can see where disaster can occur. It's such a lonely place being a non. It would be unnatural NOT to consider stepping out of the situation in a grand way, every now and then.
What isn't acceptable is doing it. Acting on these emotions just sets up a perpetual swing on the hate pendulum. After more than a quarter of a century, I still hold negative emotions over what happened with my dad. My children fear for my safety because of what he did. They still don't know I actually attempted, and I never want to have to tell them. It would just make things worse for them.
Your son has made great strides, RR. He's got a great support system there, and it's so good to hear a success story. Thanks for sharing that.
My crash last weekend made me realize that thoughts of suicide are going to try to take over in the bad times, no matter how 'healed' I become. The difference is I had the strength, and hope, to say that's a dumb option, and somehow brush it off as some twisted survival strategy that doesn't work. And I had friends, here, on this site, that helped keep me grounded and not all consumed by the thoughts I was having. It helped so much.
I just really felt like this discussion, and it's resources needed to be out there, on the top of the page, especially this time of year. I want others to know, that if you feel this way, there are people here that can help you through those emotions. There is hope. There is a better way, a better life. Just hold on until tomorrow anyway you can, and things will get brighter.
Please, don't hid in the dark, alone. It's the worst place in the world to be. If you're SO is making off the cuff remarks about this, please don't ignore it, don't sweep it under the rug. Be there for them. Give them hope, give them love, help them not feel alone, and remind them that only by sticking things out until tomorrow will things get better. Read the links RR provided and apply them. They will help you do the right thing.
Blessings to all,
c.
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