What to do against (and cope with) insults and not 'trigger'?

[arwe]

Hello BPD family

Could you perhaps help me?

I thought I knew how it worked here, but how do I post a topic or question?

What to do against the 'impersonal' but very personal insulting?

My BPD partner wanted to go out tonight (the third time in one week!) after a friend cancelled on him, and I wanted to stay in. Now he has been out for 8 or nine hours. He said on text he was signle the millioneth time, that I was lazy and weak and selfish for not coming, and many other things, but then I lost it and said it would be over between us if he keeps insulting me: change or over. To make a point, to be clear. But he felt "provoked". It's very sad, because I know the dynamic, but I can handle most things but being called dum, weak, retarded, handicapped, farmer, boring, clueless, second-rate, sometimes gets to me and is simply not acceptable in a fight or not in a fight.

Have I ruined it by taking a stance and 'triggering' - or must, may I keep to my words. My boundary is set, but is it realistic? I made it clear in a message after that that I would help and that 'change' is not easy and that I obviously know he cannot control his vocabulary or otherwise he would have already (we have been together a couple of years!), but I'm fed up and know he must be hurt and feel helpless, and will stay out another night and come hom drunk and then be a soft, gentle hungover person for a day or two (making me almost want him to get drunk because then I have a fake peace sometimes). I want to do what I can but it's so hard.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi there Arwe  ,

Welcome aboard!  The behavior of pwBPD can be really frustrating. Especially, name calling and hurtful words.     For me, name calling or hurtful words are not acceptable whether it may be during a fight, out of anger, or out of drunkeness.  

I think it is great that you set a boundary.  It is really important setting boundaries in relationships.  This is a great article on boundaries. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

In my opinion, anything could trigger him at this point, due to his intoxication.  :)isordered or not having any type of conversation, discussion, or argument with a drunk person ends badly. I would wait until he is sober to discuss your feelings with him.  There are ways to discuss things with pwBPD, without triggering them or making the situation worse.  This article discusses how to improve communication with your partner, via communication tools. TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

SET has made communication with my pwBPD exponentially better.  I believe you can get your point across (your boundary) by using these tools.

Are you intending to stick to your boundary?  

There are many people here with similar situations.  Those members who are intending to continue  and improving their relationship are found Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner


Keep posting.  We are here for you.    

[arwe]

Hi EaglesJuJu,

Thank you for the encouraging words and your fast answer.

I will let you know how it goes, if that's ok.

It is the middle of the night and he is gone still, I am worried and at the same time want to end the relationship like he 'says' he wants = I want for the boundary to have effect. It is horrible to know someone cannot help their behavior (?), but not coping or not wanting to cope myself anymore. I hope this is a phase where he retaliates for my setting boundaries, but that it will have some effect. How long must I wait and how strong to my boundaries till he changes some parts of his behavior (swearing/insults and (almost) cheeting/staying out/'revenge'... .

If he cheats on me I don't want to stay.

I hope I am not coming off as totally unempathetic, self-involved now. I feel so 'not-seen', and get accused of selfishness constantly.  I sincerely thank you EaglesJuJu and hope I can use the forum and other places here. Some way or another I couldn't even refind my own post except through remembering your name.

[Mutt]

Hello BPD family

Could you perhaps help me?

I thought I knew how it worked here, but how do I post a topic or question?

Hi arwe,


I'm glad that you have found us   Follow the link and it covers most of the site technical stuff. I hope that helps.

How Do I Post?



--Mutt

[Grey Kitty]

  arwe!

I saw your post a while ago... .including mention of having trouble figuring out the forum software and finding your posts... .then lost track of it... .and wanted to come back and say hello and welcome to this community. It is really good to know you aren't alone in facing things like this.

When you are logged into the forum here, just below where it says "Hello arwe" there is a link "Show new replies to your posts." If you click on that one it will show you updates on any topic you started and on other topics you've posted on.

I hope this is a phase where he retaliates for my setting boundaries, but that it will have some effect. How long must I wait and how strong to my boundaries till he changes some parts of his behavior (swearing/insults

Enforcing boundaries to protect yourself from verbal abuse (like swearing and insults) is one of the best tools you can learn. The best part is when you realize how they work:

They don't stop him from saying/texting anything. And they don't have to.

They protect you from hearing/reading them, and being emotionally hurt and damaged by them. And you completely have the power to do this!

If he starts, end the conversation and leave the room.

If he does it on the phone, say goodbye and hang up. If he blows up your phone, you can block him for the evening or turn off your phone.


... .it has been a couple weeks since you first posted. How are things going now?

 GK