How to overcome the years and help my children

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The story is long as I am coming to realize so many are.  Recently divorced after 25 years to someone with what I suspect to have some sort of BPD.  I tried and stayed for so long trying to keep the peace and provide stability for my kids. I suspected something for a long time and went to counseling alone that helped me about 10 years ago when she refused to go to marriage counseling. Many of her former friends would say she is evil but I do not believe that and never have.  I always felt that she could not help how she reacted to certain situations.  That is why I stayed as long as I did - as well as for my children. I just hope and pray that she will some day get  help so she can be a happier person and that this all has minimal impact on my two daughters 15 & 20.  One of which appears to be exhibiting many of the same characteristics.  I wish I would have handled things better but I cannot change the past.  I hope I have finally found a place where people may understand and help me so I can help my children and get over the impact it has had on me as well.  A friend told me about this site.  I could not believe how I felt I was reading an autobiography in some cases. Our divorce was final last month.  But I know I will need help to cope with and handle situations "as long as we both shall live."   I have been seeing a family counselor with my youngest for almost 2 years but it has not progressed.  Its time I get help for me and to realize I am not as bad as I began to believe.

Thank you!  I wish I could type better and say more  () but hopefully we can share more over time

[iamhere4help]

The story is long as I am coming to realize so many are.  Recently divorced after 25 years to someone with what I suspect to have some sort of BPD.  I tried and stayed for so long trying to keep the peace and provide stability for my kids. I suspected something for a long time and went to counseling alone that helped me about 10 years ago when she refused to go to marriage counseling. Many of her former friends would say she is evil but I do not believe that and never have.  I always felt that she could not help how she reacted to certain situations.  That is why I stayed as long as I did - as well as for my children. I just hope and pray that she will some day get  help so she can be a happier person and that this all has minimal impact on my two daughters 15 & 20.  One of which appears to be exhibiting many of the same characteristics.  I wish I would have handled things better but I cannot change the past.  I hope I have finally found a place where people may understand and help me so I can help my children and get over the impact it has had on me as well.  A friend told me about this site.  I could not believe how I felt I was reading an autobiography in some cases. Our divorce was final last month.  But I know I will need help to cope with and handle situations "as long as we both shall live."   I have been seeing a family counselor with my youngest for almost 2 years but it has not progressed.  Its time I get help for me and to realize I am not as bad as I began to believe.

Thank you!  I wish I could type better and say more  () but hopefully we can share more over time

[Turkish]

Hello iamhere4help, 

I'm glad you found us. You are right that you can't change the past, and certainly a lot of us felt we could have done things better. However, we were dealing with tremendous issues. Children certainly add stress to the mix, because we try to protect them as well. Hard enough raising kids without a PD'd parent.

Which of your daughters is exhibiting BPD traits? Often a parent with BPD will paint one child as Golden or the "good child" while painting the there black. There are varying opinions on which can develop BPD traits. How is it with your daughters? I hope to hear more and how best we can support you.

Turkish

[enlighten me]

My exgf treats her eldest differently. The son is the golden child the dauhter is who she buts heads with. Her daughter displays a lot of traits and I believe she is BPD. She is only 10 but is manipulative and lies all the time. She causes trouble at school but is always the victim.

Whether your daughter has learned the behaviour or whether its genetic I believe you need to get on top of it as soon as possible. The longer its left the more she will revert to it. My exgf is 41 and I think she is beyond hope as she has used her behavour for so long that she is too set in her ways. I would like to take to her ex about the daughter but dont know how responsive he will be to me.

[iamhere4help]

Thanks! Actually there has been one she has been more "attached" to, the oldest who is the one who seems to be going down the same road. She has succeeded in what she said she would do however... .drag it out as long as should could to get as much out of me as she could and ruin the relationship I had with my daughters.  When my youngest was 3-7 or so, the ex use to tell others how good the oldest was but that it will take all she has to keep the youngest out of the penetentiary. She has manipulated both but more the oldest because the oldest is a big influence on the youngest.  I just keep hoping that now the divorce is done, that the girls will come around like many say. I wish I was as optimistic.

[enlighten me]

My eldest boys are 13 & 11. Their mum is uBPD and I had a few dramas with my eldest. When I learnt about BPD I was obviously worried. What appeased my fears is the amount of compassion they show. Divorce was probably the best thing that happened for my boys sake. They now have a stabke chilled out fun dad who keeps them level. Something I could never have done if I was still caught up in the confused world that was my marriage.

show your saughters the way. Be fair and hold boundaries with them. If you show them consistency they will see the right path. Never bad mouth their mum to them or allow otgers to. By holding the moral high ground you will dismiss anything your ex tries to pull with the kids.

You will soon tell if yheres anything to worry about.

[Boss302]

You are going to find there is so much in common between the stories of us "nons". What's your custody situation?

[david]

My ex has our oldest as the golden child. He is 16. She says our S11 has a learning disability. She had him tested when he was 5 1/2 and the tests were inconclusive but she convinced the school to give him an IEP (individual learning plan). I insisted he be retested when he was 7 and he tested so well that they put him in the accelerated program. He flourished. He is now 11 and she is trying to get him tested again for a learning disability. Fortunately, the school has her figured out. They contacted me and we have a meeting in a few weeks without ex to make a plan on how to handle her. Ex has insisted that he is overwhelmed with too much homework and needs to be assigned less. I have copies of every homework he has done for the last three years. For this year, he has completed three homeworks when with his mom and forty five when with me. He has been fine doing homework with me so I don't know what ex is "thinking". I don't even try to figure it out anymore.