Does anyone have a success story about achieving a stable relationship with a BP

[JRT]

I have been hearing all of these horrible accounts of failed relationships at the hands of BPD's. Does anyone have a success story about their relationship that was recycled one or more times or was clearly over but eventually worked out over the long run?

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[Compassion14]

Wow. Zero replies. I think silence speaks volumes on this one. Sorry.

[JRT]

Yeah... .crickets ... .;

But then again, how many people would be predisposed to visiting this site 'after the fact' (for lack of a better way of putting it)?

[Tim300]

I cannot imagine anyone making it work with my ex-fiancee.  Perhaps if there was a very wealthy guy with a huge house, and she was given freedom to do whatever she wants.  Even then though, I don't think she'd be able to stop herself from fighting with the guy at some point, and their "arrangement" would probably end.  I just really can't conceive of any arrangement that would work for her.

[JRT]

That seems to be across the board... .sorry to hear friend.

[Newton]

If we accept that BPD symptoms are exacerbated by intimate relationships... .it's a given that people with untreated BPD will struggle... .badly... .with relationships.

I haven't witnessed any relationships here that look like a situation I would wish to participate in... .

Financial wealth seems to be a temporary patch at best... . 

ps... ."at the hands of" ... .?... .it takes two to tango... .

[Tim300]

Financial wealth seems to be a temporary patch at best... . 

I think this is true.  At the end I began sharing a lot of money with her, even though we were only engaged.  She seemed to desperately want money at times.  Nonetheless, she still just couldn't hold herself together to have a normal relationship with me.

[rationalmind]

My guess is that most folks who have end up having a "successful" relationship are either with higher functioning BPD and don't need as much support or don't recognize the BPD and don't seek support... .they are probably not on this board for what it's worth.  Since nothing is 0 or 100% I'm sure they are out there!

[Tim300]

Perhaps the less physically attractive ones stick around longer in relationships because they have more difficulty triangulating, lining up replacements, etc.   

[Newton]

Tim ... .one of my ex's I believed was suffering from BPD triangulated with a guy who bought her cars, motorbikes, stabled her horse... .provided her with a home... .etc... .etc... .

He is currently facing a court case for (IMO) false stalking charges... .

Money makes no difference, for pwBPD... .feelings=facts

ps... .she was stunning... .he was minted.

[Tim300]

Tim ... .one of my ex's I believed was suffering from BPD triangulated with a guy who bought her cars, motorbikes, stabled her horse... .provided her with a home... .etc... .etc... .

He is currently facing a court case for (IMO) false stalking charges... .

Money makes no difference, for pwBPD... .feelings=facts

ps... .she was stunning... .he was minted.

Thanks for that insight.  Just curious -- how old was she?

[Ripped Heart]

I was married to pwBPD/NPD and it only lasted 2 years. Despite being on a good wage, she felt I should be earning even more to keep her in her lifestyle but also wanted me to find a job where I didn't have to work and could be there for her 24/7. Very unrealistic expectations. It didn't work

BPDgf, I'm not wealthy by any standard but I'm on a very good salary (my monthly income is just short of BPDgf's yearly salary) where I have bought her a car and lots of other things but there are still a lot of issues.

BPD centres around abandonment, not around finances so it doesn't matter, rich or poor it will still struggle. If anything I would say the more money, the more issues as there are many stories around pwBPD claiming compensation and trying to financially ruin their ex partners when they are eventually "abandoned"

A stable relationship is perhaps almost impossible to achieve given that there were instability issues in the first place for the pwBPD. They have an unstable sense of self, unstable relationships, instability emotionally etc... .I think it's entirely possible to achieve an accepting relationship and maybe in some cases, there are some out there who have a stable relationship with intense amounts of therapy, committed people and willingness to change on both parties.

[borderdude]

Bpd ppl that are in denial, or aware they have a disorder and take some responsability... .the difference should be uncomparable. I never encountered the latter.

[Tim300]

Bpd ppl that are in denial, or aware they have a disorder and take some responsability... .the difference should be uncomparable. I never encountered the latter.

I think one of the greatest acts of responsibility would be to say to the Non partner: "I have Borderline Personality Disorder.  Please read articles and books about it.  This is a serious condition that affects the way I think."  Without this it seems like the couple is definitely doomed to fail.

[Newton]

She was 32 with the body of an 18 year old olympic athlete (brutal training regimes were her method of self control)... .

Regardless of how much money he threw at her... .her symptoms and behaviour remained the same... .when I met her I was flat broke... .she treated him far worse than I experienced... .he facilitated the dysfunction with money... .it kept her interested long enough for things to go horrifically wrong.

[Tim300]

Regardless of how much money he threw at her... .her symptoms and behaviour remained the same... .when I met her I was flat broke... .she treated him far worse than I experienced... .he facilitated the dysfunction with money... .it kept her interested long enough for things to go horrifically wrong.

Interesting perspective regarding the money keeping her in it just long enough for things to go wrong.  That's probably right.  Also, I think BPDs with ASPD traits take pleasure in bringing down a wealthy guy -- making him feel pain.  I am so glad that I'm going to be able to spot BPDs moving forward.

[borderdude]

Regardless of how much money he threw at her... .her symptoms and behaviour remained the same... .when I met her I was flat broke... .she treated him far worse than I experienced... .he facilitated the dysfunction with money... .it kept her interested long enough for things to go horrifically wrong.

Interesting perspective regarding the money keeping her in it just long enough for things to go wrong.  That's probably right.  Also, I think BPDs with ASPD traits take pleasure in bringing down a wealthy guy -- making him feel pain.  I am so glad that I'm going to be able to spot BPDs moving forward.

The more money ?, this guy is acting like a bank, and should  not expect any respect from her, why should anyone deviate from his direction in life, and pay him self free.

[Infern0]

Depends what you consider "success"

If it means they "stick around" and you are ok with all the abuse, being cheated on, being cuckolded, begging them to stay etc then yeah, i seen a few of those "success stories"

If on the other hand that aint for you then no.

[Allmessedup]

Interesting thread:)

I am rarely on these boards anymore as my relationship has been going very well.

I think that it's possible, but only with a lot of work on both sides.

My partner and I have been together for over five years.  She was dx with BPD in her late teens and underwent years of intensive therapy for it.  She is now over 50.

For the first four years we had just a huge mess.  Recycle recycle recycle.  I mean like 20 plus times but never for more than a week or so.

Last January we ended things and we were nc for about three months.  I found these boards and did a whole lot of work on me and my issues.

We got back together in april and had a lot of long discussions about her illness and that coping skills were failing.  I enlisted some hard boundaries.   We worked thru the high conflict couple and I have used many of the skills I learned here.

Needless to say our relationship is going very well.  No more recycles, no more. Silent treatment, no more raging etc.

Is it perfect?  No.  Is it easy?  Sometimes.  Do I feel like I am supported... .yes.   We both have issues, mine are different than hers (codependency, insecurity) but we have worked hard together on both things.

There are times now I just back off, walk away when I need to.  She is much better about saying that she just needs time to process her emotions instead of exploding.  We talk about black and white thinking a lot... .and she is better at seeing when she does it.  I am better about not caretaking and invalidating her.

We "table" issues now and revisit them later if they are emotionally charged.

We have boundaries now.  And more realistic expectations.

I can't say it's all sunshine... .it's not.  But what relationship is?   Fact is I had many issues in myself that I needed to work on and still work on.  It's not all about the BPD. 

I think honestly going NC and doing the work on myself was what really changed things for us and even made an potential of a healthy relationship possible. 

I was DEEP in the FOG before, it was a nasty dance we kept repeating.   But now I am detached from the outcome.  I love her with all my heart but I only can control me.

My situation is likely better than most here as she already was aware and had accepted her dx.  She had long ago learned the skills she needed.  She WANTED to change things.  And I was willing to do the work on me.  At first so that I could get thru the breakup and make sense of it all and now because I want this relationship.


So that's my 2 cents for what it's worth

Peace,

Amu

[AnnaK]

I know couples from FB who were relatively successful at living together.

Again, it's not like normal life, they still fight, but they keep trying.

One couple of one BPD+Non

One couple BPD+BPD (they once got arrested for mutual combat and had to spend a lot of money to bail each other out )

[Wrongturn1]

Not sure what is meant by a "successful relationship"... .all relationships have problems; relationships where one or both people have BPD have more problems.  There are some success stories around here of BPD spouses or SOs that sought treatment and eventually ended up asymptomatic or "cured".  That seems to be rare however. 

It's usually possible to maintain a relationship with a BPD person, and the tools found here can help the non achieve a healthier situation whether the relationship continues or not.

[JRT]

@Emu... .I would call that a success for sure... .I wish you both well.


It seems that other than that, there are few such stories... .:-(