Feeling some kinda way...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Where should I start... .well please forgive me if some words are misspelled and if this post ends up being nonsense.  I started a new "mood stabilizer" and the euphoric high is still there but feeling sorta hung over too.  Let me add that I'm not talking of anything illegal here, just Nuerotin.  My Dr added it to maybe fix the BPD freak outs, and the Bipolar manic symptoms. 

So about 9 months ago, I got dumped.  Devastated by this, I turned to Ana for a short while, became obsessed with seeing my hip bones.  I felt like she was gone and I needed a new obsession.  See when I am with someone, I become obsessed.  Not dangerous, I've never stalked anyone, or turned violent.  More like I make that person my world and nothing else matters.  I cant even look at other girls and feel any sense of attraction, because my girl is the only attractive person in my eyes.  Unlike a lot of people, I don't feel like monogamy is a type of wood.  Anyway back to my story.  Yes I tend to ramble, and this post may be long.

So we were together a year and six months.  We met on Okcupid, became casual friends that text every now and then.  I got promoted to being a facebook friend, and after a little while, we talked and pretty much I revealed that I did have a crush on her, and from there we started talking as more than friends in an LDR (GA-TN).  What can I say, it was poisonous from the start.  She started out controlling, and see at first I sorta liked that.  I don't know what it is but at the time possessive, stalker type was a turn on for me.  Until she started accusing me of sleeping with my best friend since 7th grade who is straight as can be and in my mind, straight girls are like men, and girls in relationships, off limits, and I wouldn't dare even try.  I mean seriously, I'm not having that on my conscience, for many reasons I may explain another time.  We would get in these petty fights, she would usually provoke.  Over stupid things.  We made up, broke up, made up.  I mean this girl had me thinking I was her world, and talked about marrying me some day.  I fell so deeply for her that it  felt like I've never been in that kinda love before.  True unconditional love.  But things changed, I started noticing how these other girls on her FB were calling her baby, baby girl, things that would alarm any one.  BPD or not.  So yeah I did some cyber stalking... .tell me something like that wouldn't make you curious enough to investigate. Found several things on different occasions.  Ok so on FB which I refuse to be a part of anymore, the cover thing, ok so you see someone calling your partner "baby" you go on their profile and low and behold your partners pic is their cover.  What would you think?  Maybe exactly what I did.  When I confronted her she acted like first it wasn't there even when I sent her a screen shot.  Then put it on me for "stalking".  That B- to this day is still hitting her up, so someone said a lot more than just friendly words for this chick to still be all up on her.  Anyway I forgave her for every thing, even when she called me names, and only apologized for a few times.  I don't think a month went by that we didn't have some sorta drama though, and I always shouldered the blame for everything.  Starting thinking I was more than crazy, I was flat out psychotic.  Everytime we broke up I got this sinking feeling in my chest, a literal pain.  Still I loved her through everything.  I didn't care, I wanted to hold on to that feeling that she was the one. 

So we met a year later after making things official, I finally had a way to TN.  See I'm disabled and I had no money cos I haven't been approved yet, and plus seizures and driving anxiety also complicated it.  Now she can drive, and never occurred to me how she could stay everywhere else but she could drive a few hours to see me.  I stayed there for a few days, and for the first time ever we didn't have sex on the first night, we didn't have sex at all.  That should have been a red flag there, cos you are with some one for a year, and don't even want to atleast make out heavily, something is seriously wrong.  We were kissing and she rejected me when I tried to do more, so I didn't try again.  Well I am one who is totally into love making, and not just wham bam.  Meaning I like to do it slow, foreplay build up.  We are watching something and she grabs my hand and puts it... .you know.  Well that was weird to me our first time is like this?  She starts a fight and makes me stop cos apparently she thought I was staring at her V and I wasn't.  See its awkward to me for a girl be down there and staring at me as she's doing stuff, its different from where you're face to face.  I was trying not to be creepy.  Anyway, so that was the sex that never happened and totally killed my ego, and sex was the one thing I didn't brag about but I'm sure it's what kept a lot of girls interested, cos I don't have the looks and I wasn't always broke but I wasn't rich.  So after I get home I noticed things had changed.  She started nitpicking everything.  Habits that were never issues before.  Things beyond my control. she told me the "spark" wasn't there.  But she still wanted to be with me.  So we kept trying for 6 months, our relationship was gradually falling apart more than it ever has.  The sweet words stopped.  Then one day out of the blue she called and said I love you so much please don't ever leave me.  3 days later, I get a text, about Netflix (cos I shared my account with her) no good morning, nothing just asking me about stupid NF.  I was on Remeron at the time and experiencing extreme mania.  She didn't understand though.  She dumped me.

I later get a text with her asking to be friends and how she didn't want to move on.  So for 8 months I let her continue to use and play me.  It wasn't until recently that I discovered why she was still in my life.  It was Netflix, and favors.  Every time Netflix would be down I got blamed for it, like I did something to it.  Recently every time she would mention it we ended up in a fight.  So I just turned instant off and switched to DVD's.  I told her about it and that she said she had several others she could use, of course she denied it.  She said something like "probably use" so I send her a screen shot of exactly what she said.  No probably in there at all.  Since then she's barely spoken.  Also when it was looking like our friendship was growing to be more, she asked me to get a show for her, which I did.  I mailed it today despite of everything that's been going on, I did this because I keep my word no matter what (atleast when I can).  I told her I sent it, and after all day she said I'm ok, that's great.  Awesome.  No thank you, kiss my butt. Nothing. 

This whole time I thought it was me who was nuts, I didn't want her to abandon me.  I thought my add meds were causing the freak outs causing the BPD to get worse, causing the bipolar mania.  My doctor put me on Neurontin today, and immediately I  felt this sense of euphoria like nothing would bring me down from cloud 9.  So what if she didn't text me back.  Her loss, I did what I said was gonna do.  I would say she will look back and regret losing me but she doesn't have a heart or a conscience.  If she did she would have just let me go when she dumped me.  I am hoping that this high isn't temporary, because finally I have the strength to walk away from this.

May I add that I've been chasing this false dream for 8 months catering to her every whim.  Believing every lie, like how the girl she's been running with since summer is her "straight cousin". She brings her up to me constantly like an obsession of hers, and plus this chick has their picture together as her FB profile pic.  Yeah I have a false blank one I used to stalk but Im shutting it down too cos I don't need it.  That's my story I'm still heartbroken, and feeling like an idiot for letting her play me like she has.  I've wanted to kill myself so many times because I've felt like it was the only way I could escape loving her. 

[duckie131321]

Where should I start... .well please forgive me if some words are misspelled and if this post ends up being nonsense.  I started a new "mood stabilizer" and the euphoric high is still there but feeling sorta hung over too.  Let me add that I'm not talking of anything illegal here, just Nuerotin.  My Dr added it to maybe fix the BPD freak outs, and the Bipolar manic symptoms. 

So about 9 months ago, I got dumped.  Devastated by this, I turned to Ana for a short while, became obsessed with seeing my hip bones.  I felt like she was gone and I needed a new obsession.  See when I am with someone, I become obsessed.  Not dangerous, I've never stalked anyone, or turned violent.  More like I make that person my world and nothing else matters.  I cant even look at other girls and feel any sense of attraction, because my girl is the only attractive person in my eyes.  Unlike a lot of people, I don't feel like monogamy is a type of wood.  Anyway back to my story.  Yes I tend to ramble, and this post may be long.

So we were together a year and six months.  We met on Okcupid, became casual friends that text every now and then.  I got promoted to being a facebook friend, and after a little while, we talked and pretty much I revealed that I did have a crush on her, and from there we started talking as more than friends in an LDR (GA-TN).  What can I say, it was poisonous from the start.  She started out controlling, and see at first I sorta liked that.  I don't know what it is but at the time possessive, stalker type was a turn on for me.  Until she started accusing me of sleeping with my best friend since 7th grade who is straight as can be and in my mind, straight girls are like men, and girls in relationships, off limits, and I wouldn't dare even try.  I mean seriously, I'm not having that on my conscience, for many reasons I may explain another time.  We would get in these petty fights, she would usually provoke.  Over stupid things.  We made up, broke up, made up.  I mean this girl had me thinking I was her world, and talked about marrying me some day.  I fell so deeply for her that it  felt like I've never been in that kinda love before.  True unconditional love.  But things changed, I started noticing how these other girls on her FB were calling her baby, baby girl, things that would alarm any one.  BPD or not.  So yeah I did some cyber stalking... .tell me something like that wouldn't make you curious enough to investigate. Found several things on different occasions.  Ok so on FB which I refuse to be a part of anymore, the cover thing, ok so you see someone calling your partner "baby" you go on their profile and low and behold your partners pic is their cover.  What would you think?  Maybe exactly what I did.  When I confronted her she acted like first it wasn't there even when I sent her a screen shot.  Then put it on me for "stalking".  That B- to this day is still hitting her up, so someone said a lot more than just friendly words for this chick to still be all up on her.  Anyway I forgave her for every thing, even when she called me names, and only apologized for a few times.  I don't think a month went by that we didn't have some sorta drama though, and I always shouldered the blame for everything.  Starting thinking I was more than crazy, I was flat out psychotic.  Everytime we broke up I got this sinking feeling in my chest, a literal pain.  Still I loved her through everything.  I didn't care, I wanted to hold on to that feeling that she was the one. 

So we met a year later after making things official, I finally had a way to TN.  See I'm disabled and I had no money cos I haven't been approved yet, and plus seizures and driving anxiety also complicated it.  Now she can drive, and never occurred to me how she could stay everywhere else but she could drive a few hours to see me.  I stayed there for a few days, and for the first time ever we didn't have sex on the first night, we didn't have sex at all.  That should have been a red flag there, cos you are with some one for a year, and don't even want to atleast make out heavily, something is seriously wrong.  We were kissing and she rejected me when I tried to do more, so I didn't try again.  Well I am one who is totally into love making, and not just wham bam.  Meaning I like to do it slow, foreplay build up.  We are watching something and she grabs my hand and puts it... .you know.  Well that was weird to me our first time is like this?  She starts a fight and makes me stop cos apparently she thought I was staring at her V and I wasn't.  See its awkward to me for a girl be down there and staring at me as she's doing stuff, its different from where you're face to face.  I was trying not to be creepy.  Anyway, so that was the sex that never happened and totally killed my ego, and sex was the one thing I didn't brag about but I'm sure it's what kept a lot of girls interested, cos I don't have the looks and I wasn't always broke but I wasn't rich.  So after I get home I noticed things had changed.  She started nitpicking everything.  Habits that were never issues before.  Things beyond my control. she told me the "spark" wasn't there.  But she still wanted to be with me.  So we kept trying for 6 months, our relationship was gradually falling apart more than it ever has.  The sweet words stopped.  Then one day out of the blue she called and said I love you so much please don't ever leave me.  3 days later, I get a text, about Netflix (cos I shared my account with her) no good morning, nothing just asking me about stupid NF.  I was on Remeron at the time and experiencing extreme mania.  She didn't understand though.  She dumped me.

I later get a text with her asking to be friends and how she didn't want to move on.  So for 8 months I let her continue to use and play me.  It wasn't until recently that I discovered why she was still in my life.  It was Netflix, and favors.  Every time Netflix would be down I got blamed for it, like I did something to it.  Recently every time she would mention it we ended up in a fight.  So I just turned instant off and switched to DVD's.  I told her about it and that she said she had several others she could use, of course she denied it.  She said something like "probably use" so I send her a screen shot of exactly what she said.  No probably in there at all.  Since then she's barely spoken.  Also when it was looking like our friendship was growing to be more, she asked me to get a show for her, which I did.  I mailed it today despite of everything that's been going on, I did this because I keep my word no matter what (atleast when I can).  I told her I sent it, and after all day she said I'm ok, that's great.  Awesome.  No thank you, kiss my butt. Nothing. 

This whole time I thought it was me who was nuts, I didn't want her to abandon me.  I thought my add meds were causing the freak outs causing the BPD to get worse, causing the bipolar mania.  My doctor put me on Neurontin today, and immediately I  felt this sense of euphoria like nothing would bring me down from cloud 9.  So what if she didn't text me back.  Her loss, I did what I said was gonna do.  I would say she will look back and regret losing me but she doesn't have a heart or a conscience.  If she did she would have just let me go when she dumped me.  I am hoping that this high isn't temporary, because finally I have the strength to walk away from this.

May I add that I've been chasing this false dream for 8 months catering to her every whim.  Believing every lie, like how the girl she's been running with since summer is her "straight cousin". She brings her up to me constantly like an obsession of hers, and plus this chick has their picture together as her FB profile pic.  Yeah I have a false blank one I used to stalk but Im shutting it down too cos I don't need it.  That's my story I'm still heartbroken, and feeling like an idiot for letting her play me like she has.  I've wanted to kill myself so many times because I've felt like it was the only way I could escape loving her. 

[cosmonaut]

I'm really sorry to hear about your ex, duckie.  Break-ups are hard for anyone, but even more so when there is such an intense, loaded bond formed.  I understand, and I'm sorry.  I know it hurts.

I also suffer from bipolar disorder and I know how that complicates life and relationships.  I've been through the medication wars too and know what it can feel like being a pinball in that game.  I hope you can find a treatment plan that works.  I've been doing well for a while now on mine - probably as good as I'm going to get, and it's been a blessing.  It also sounds like you have BPD.  I don't have BPD, but like everyone here my ex (very likely) suffers from BPD.  I've seen how much of a struggle that makes life for her and how much pain it causes her.  I imagine that the combination of bipolar and BPD must be very hard to deal with.  You also mentioned an eating disorder, seizures, and disability - you have a lot you are dealing with.  No wonder you are feeling down.  I think anyone would in that situation.  Hang in there.  Things do get easier in time.  I'm one year since my ex left and while the pain hasn't really ended, it has dulled.  I am thankful for that, and I have hope that full healing is still in the future.  I hope so for you too.

Do you believe that your ex is BPD?  All of us here have an ex that has/likely has BPD, so I can understand just how heartbreaking it can be to have that relationship end.  There is indeed a special type of grief and pain that I have only experienced with the break-up with my ex.  I've truly never known heartbreak like this and I still think of her every single day.  This has been the hardest period of my entire life.  This site has been a real support and learning resource for me in the aftermath of my break-up.  I hope it can be for you too.  I do just want to give you a gentle warning, however, that the overwhelming majority of members here do not themselves have BPD.  All of us here have a partner or ex-partner with BPD, however, and you may find that in their pain some members can be rather bitter about BPD.  I only say this because I don't want you to feel demeaned or triggered.  There's a lot of heart here, but also a lot of hurt.  I'm sure you can understand.  So, as long as that isn't going to make life harder for you, then I hope you'll find the boards as helpful and supportive as I have.  I just want you to be able to heal as much as anyone else here.   

I'm so sorry to hear about your break-up.  It is a special type of hell to be enduring this, and I remember so much what I felt like a year ago in the immediate aftermath.  I was shell-shocked and reeling.  It does get easier, though.  Working on myself and trying to untangle a lot of my own issues that have contributed to my own suffering has helped.  It takes time, but it does get easier.  Have faith in that.   

[duckie131321]

Hey Cosmonaut, thanks for replying to my post.  I'm sorry to hear about your break up as well.  Ya know there is this movie, the remake of Endless Love, I don't know if you've seen it?  Well the thing is, I got this movie on DVD from Netflix right around the same time that she and I broke up.  There is a part in the movie when Jade's father forbids David to see her.  He goes to a therapist, and she says, something along the lines of, Time helps, seeing other people, but what really got to me was this.  She will be like a book you read long ago, and one day you will wake up and realize that you haven't thought of her once, and then you will be free.  Those words make cry every single time, cos I know that its probably inevitable that eventually its going to happen, either that, or I'll be like that sad country song where the guy didn't stop loving her until he died.  Makes me wonder how some people do it, they get so hurt by a unhealthy and destructive relationship that they just have nothing else to with romantic love and intimacy.  If I could just cut off my feelings, I would be so content just being alone, and doing my thing.  Video games, working on my art, video editing, just things that if I was in a relationship the like this past one, I wouldn't be able to do because I'd be too depressed to even  get out of bed.  I wouldn't be ok until, she apologized for lashing out.  (Another reason I think she has it too)

Speaking of her lashing out, I had what I call freak outs.  I don't deal well with the honeymoon days fading, slightly yeah but I'm not one to let a day slip by with out saying I love you and I am one that feels like I should do something special everyday for my girl.  But when she starts picking fights with me for no reason, slacks off on affection, just stuff girls typically do when they're pushing, or seeing someone else, or getting tired of you.  I am BPD person with triggers, my flip outs don't come from anywhere without reason.  But I admit, at times those triggers after being pushed so many times can be as minimal as  a one word reply in a text.  Her lashing out consisted of calling me names, saying I hate you, never speak to me again, and just flipping out.  A few hours later to the next day at most though she would always say I didn't mean it please don't leave.  We would get back together or in last 8 months we would become friends again.  Like I said though, since I switched from NF streaming to dvds, she's done a 180 and avoiding me.  Now I admit fault when I am wrong, I admit it when I am not wrong.  But how many NON BPD's would go through all that with someone and still do for their ex... .still send her stuff because they have integrity and keep their word?   Does she have BPD?  IDK, over a year and 6 months she was very secretive about certain things, like her mental diagnosis.  However she was very open to telling me about ex's.  But I dare not talk about mine.  She had the fear of abandonment as well.  Constantly saying please don't ever leave me.  I promised I wouldn't unless she told me to go away.  She said, even then, don't go.  What the heck.  Ok if a chick says leave me alone, uhm I don't wish to have a restraining order on me. 

Yeah I realized who this group was for after I posted that, but its ok though cos as I said in my intro post... .when I did have FB I was a member on some of the boards and posted a few of my problems and this BPD person got on and lashed out about how gay is wrong.  Well it wasn't related to the issue at hand.  I wasn't there to talk about convictions and such.  I was having relationship issues.  But the moderator had said that she's having an episode and to just let her lash out.  I am thinking that it may be more helpful for me to be on a non BPD support group because maybe the bitter people will be what I need to tell me what I'm doing wrong.  That is if I ever decide to take another chance.  I don't know if I have it or not, they say I do, but some of the thing people say their ex's did to them, I would never do not ever.  Cyberstalking (just looking at FB basically in secret I only saw what was public and never wrote to my ex or any of her "love interest"  really I was too scared, because while she's about 200 miles away the girl has a temper. Bout the worse I have is that constant fear of abandonment, easily fixed by someone saying calm the F- down and reassuring me a little bit.  My only triggers are lack of affection, I mean I atleast want to hear I love you once a day, not asking for the moon, and maybe some commitment and not just another number to "playa."  At times I feel unworthy, and unlovable and that's because I'm not really attractive.  I have tumor on my face, its not big, but it does stand out enough for people to think I was beat or burned, and my left eye drops bc I am blind in it.  Girls will see my pics and tell me how cute I am, and get to know me, and cute turns to beautiful but we meet in person and it changes, which is weird cos I don't meet anyone unless we Skype and its not like they cant see my face then. I'm like super clean I shower twice a day, brush my teeth 3 times so its not that... .I have no idea.  Then again I've dated a model type and she would always compliment me, the sex was amazing and we would probably have sexual tension that anyone could see if we were to be in a room together now but she was more into guys and not short skinny scrawny girls who would never win a fight. Just that,  I've observed that soo many lesbians are so shallow and superficial, they all strive to look like Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus. They seem to want to be with people like that.  A lot of em strive to be playas too.  I don't get it the any of it frankly.  I don't see the enjoyment with sleeping with as many girls as possible playing them all and damaging more people.  I don't have money.  I live with my grandmother.  Two more strikes.  But I don't want anyone's money and I hate when people buy me stuff makes me feel bad, I don't want them to give me a place to stay, I cant afford dates but I'm an excellent cook, have a large movie/game collection, I live out around nature and near a river, but still I know that's not enough.  Seems like you gotta be able to take someone to Atlantis for a week or two, pay their bills for em, and buy them everything they want to keep someone around.  So yeah safe to say I got some bitterness too, probably not BPD related. 

I've learned to control a lot of my BPD, and I think a lot of freak outs were caused by ADD meds Vyvanse (at one time Ritalin) the crashes on those things are horrible.  Not everytime, cos I admit that I am at fault too but with the combo of meds and my ex triggering me sometimes flat out picking fights at least once a week its just been out of hand lately.  Which is why I allowed Doc to add the Neurontin to the Vyvanse.   She's either BPD, or some type of sociopath, narcissist or something.  I mean I've let my grandmother who is the most calm and normal person I know and the sweetest she don't smoke, drink or do drugs read our text, I deleted nothing that either of us (ex and me) said over a couple of weeks, she flat out said you might have a few screws loose but she seems to have lost all hers.  My grandmother is the kinda person who would say, you were wrong to say that, and she did on a few of the text.  I wonder if its possible to have a mild case of BPD, like one can have a mild case of bipolar (at type 2). 

I hope it does get better, and I really hope this Neurontin euphoria doesn't wear off, I haven't felt like I did yesterday sicne I cant remember when, probably when I was a teenager, before I ever got hurt.  I hope fully healing happens for you as well.  I think that having BPD can work out in my favor because I can paint her black in my mind while it hurts so bad, my way of getting closure she wont give me, and NC will be easier to follow.  Like I said she's the one that wanted to be friends, she refused to set boundaries with me cos "we wouldn't get back together if we had those" and now that she is dating her "cousin" friend (who she wont even admit to bein with but dropping the hints clear as day) my services are no longer needed.  In a way a feel lucky for not moving in together and experiencing what she is really like with her temper and my freak outs, I might be dead or something... .I will say this, before I even think about getting involved again with anyone else, this wound will be completely healed, and like that counselor on the movie said, I will be free.

[CloseToFreedom]

Hey man,

My ex gf isn't actually diagnosed with BPD and sometimes I think I have it as well. Maybe because her behaviour rubbed off on me, or maybe because I really do have some aspects of it. Anyway, the only thing I can say (I've been out of the relationship for 5,5 weeks now), is that its hard as hell and that its far more difficult than a normal break-up. I often feel like I'm dying here, the feelings are just too much to handle.

I guess it is because they mirror you so well in the beginning, that you believe you have found your perfect companion. Also, they needed us so much, they wanted us to protect them, to spend every minute of our day with them. Sometimes we try to back off a bit to save our own personality, but often we just go with the flow and get engulfed by it.

In the end, I've not only lost a person who I thought was my perfect companion, but also my own identity. She has made a ghost out of me. That is some hard stuff.

My situation is different than yours, and still I can connect with the pain you are feeling so much. Its truly the most difficult thing I've ever been through in my entire life. Not even the break up with my previous ex, who I was with for 9 years and who cheated multiple times on me, was this difficult.