Was in a relationship with someone with BPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello,

My ex-girlfriend has BPD we were in a relationship and lived together for over a year.  I haven't lived with her in over 6 months now, but she is still in my life and brings me down everyday.  How can I get over her?  I kept in contact with her after the breakup because she had no friends or family to speak of. She is very unstable and burns so many bridges and I felt like if I wasn't there for her she would do harm to herself.  But I can't keep going thru this. It is literally killing me inside.  She is so self destructive and I feel like I am always picking up the pieces. I have encouraged her to get help. She went a few times, but didn't tell them the real problem.  She only told them that we had broken up and was trying to find out how to get me back.  Let me tell you a little more about the story:

When we meet things moved fast. I see now that it was to fast.  But at first she made me feel so good and so loved.  It seemed like we were totally connected and that we had all of the same goals and dreams.  I then started seeing a pattern of lies and instability.  But she was so manipulative that she would make me question myself and my gut feelings. Then things would be better for a few days then boom back to the same.  I finally couldn't take it anymore and left.  But I still felt bad for her like she couldn't help herself. So I have continued to help her in anyway I can. But I am now at my breaking point. She calls me at work and I tell her I can't talk but she will not stop. If I hang up she will keep calling. She wants me to tell her that I am in love with her and that I am her "forever". I tell her no but she won't stop. I then start to get angry and emotional and snap. How can I deal with this?  Any suggestions? She has lied to me about her family, about her childhood, about her past relationships. She has manipulated me daily. She sabotages her own life regularly and expects me to pick up the pieces. I feel like I am on a roller coaster that I can't get off of.

Thank you

Kelli

[glaciercats]

Hello,

My ex-girlfriend has BPD we were in a relationship and lived together for over a year.  I haven't lived with her in over 6 months now, but she is still in my life and brings me down everyday.  How can I get over her?  I kept in contact with her after the breakup because she had no friends or family to speak of. She is very unstable and burns so many bridges and I felt like if I wasn't there for her she would do harm to herself.  But I can't keep going thru this. It is literally killing me inside.  She is so self destructive and I feel like I am always picking up the pieces. I have encouraged her to get help. She went a few times, but didn't tell them the real problem.  She only told them that we had broken up and was trying to find out how to get me back.  Let me tell you a little more about the story:

When we meet things moved fast. I see now that it was to fast.  But at first she made me feel so good and so loved.  It seemed like we were totally connected and that we had all of the same goals and dreams.  I then started seeing a pattern of lies and instability.  But she was so manipulative that she would make me question myself and my gut feelings. Then things would be better for a few days then boom back to the same.  I finally couldn't take it anymore and left.  But I still felt bad for her like she couldn't help herself. So I have continued to help her in anyway I can. But I am now at my breaking point. She calls me at work and I tell her I can't talk but she will not stop. If I hang up she will keep calling. She wants me to tell her that I am in love with her and that I am her "forever". I tell her no but she won't stop. I then start to get angry and emotional and snap. How can I deal with this?  Any suggestions? She has lied to me about her family, about her childhood, about her past relationships. She has manipulated me daily. She sabotages her own life regularly and expects me to pick up the pieces. I feel like I am on a roller coaster that I can't get off of.

Thank you

Kelli

[glaciercats]

There is way more to the story. She is now living with her parents. She made up so many lies about them to me.  About physically and sexual abuse. And how mistreated she was as a child.  And in turn she has made up lies to her family about me as well.  I finally spoke to her mother in confidence. And we have found out that she is playing both sides. I guess she does this to make us hate each other?  I'm really not sure why.  I don't think she will stay at her parents long.  She will find someone else to cling onto and get her hooks into and the same pattern will start.  I don't know what to do in order to help her.  I am afraid she will end up dead.  I have so much on my shoulders because of her, but yet I feel sorry for her. 

[BPDGuy1]

First off I feel for your situation, I know how hard it is. What you have to ask yourself is do you believe you can help her? Because, and I don't mean to be harsh you can't. As much as we want to help someone we care about they have a serious mental illness and you will end up damaged the longer you stay in contact.

Do you really want to stay around until she finds your replacement and dumps you like you meant nothing as this will happen. You have to be selfish in this situation and look after yourself first. You cannot fix other people. You are the important one. You have control over your life. Ask yourself this, does she improve your life or make it worse? That's the fundamental question you have to ask yourself.

Is she in therapy btw?

[BPDGuy1]

PS no contact, no contact, no contact. It's the only way!

[Tim300]

glaciercats,

I would cut off contact.  What you've described seems like the tip of the iceberg on what is to come next.  She will destroy you.  You will help and help and help, and then she will "punish" you for this just because she can't help herself.

I'm curious, you mention that she (1) lies, (2) manipulates, and (3) acts self destructively on a regular basis . . . can you provide more examples of what exactly she's doing that constitutes lying, manipulating, and self destructing?

[glaciercats]

Thank you for your reply four kings.  No she is not in therapy and I don't know if she ever will be.  The only reason I found out that she was diagnosed with BPD was by talking to her mother.  I had researched it and noticed she had all the symptoms.  So I asked her mother about this and she said that she picked her up from a mental health center a few years back and they had diagnosed her with BPD.  The mother put her in therapy when she got her back home but of course she fled again and didn't follow through. I was unaware of any of this she had never mentioned it to me.  She has made her family out to be evil monsters and I was shocked when I actually realized they were not. That everything I was told was a lie.

You are right I have to let her go.  I can not save her.  She makes my life worse.  I can not make her get help and if she does get help I don't think she will even be honest with the therapist.  I guess I am in love with the person that I though she could be.  She told me so many incredible things and I keep thinking with time and with help that maybe all of this will come true and she will be this girl.  But at the same time I am sure that everyone else she has been in a relationship she told the same things.  It's like everything is jumbled up in my head and I am losing my sense of self.  She will leave again, she already has once. But she lied about that as well. I can't keep being her doormat.  Sorry for venting I just have so much to get off of my chest!

[glaciercats]

Your right I do have to cut of contact.  I have got to be the stronger person here.  

She lies about everything it seems.  She has made up elaborate stories about things that happened in her childhood which did not happen at all.  She has made up things about past relationships.  For example she said her ex pushed her down a flight of stairs and broke her ankle in two places and she had to go to the hospital by ambulance and have surgery.  I never noticed any scars so thought that was weird.  I found out later this was all a lie.  There are many lies like that.  Lies about sexual abuse, physical abuse.  And what's scary is I think she has even hurt herself on purpose before and blamed it on someone else.  You know she could do that to me.

She manipulates me like when I catch her in a lie she convinces me that everyone else is at fault, when its really her.  And for a long time I believed her.  She also manipulates me into saying things just to appease her.  I know I shouldn't but it's like she won't stop questioning me until I do.

And the self destruction she will give up a really good job, a place to live, give up everything and flee to somewhere else.  Then she will come back with nothing and be a rock bottom again.  She has done this many times in her life I have found out.  And she always blames someone else for it.

I am literally at my wits end.  I think I am going to be in a mental facility before it is over with.

Thank you everyone for listening.  I just needed to talk this out.  I know what I need to do deep down, its just finding the strength to do it.

[BPDGuy1]

Don't be sorry. I and most of us have been in the same boat. I can tell you are a good person and you will meet someone who deserves your kindness. You may not see it now but you will.

A couple of things that helped me.

The person you fell in love with was mirroring you. That shows you what an amazing person YOU are. You need to embrace that, and you will find someone that improves your life and is there for you, because unfortunately she will never be. You are the prize not her.

Also, you've probably got about 60 years of relationship experience in a few months. You're gonna spot signs in dates like no other and you find a girl everyone is jealous of ( without the drama ) trust me! Kind your head up bro! Own your life!

[glaciercats]

Thank you so much for the kind words 4Kings. Now that I look back she did mirror me, took up all my hobbies and interests. But it wasn't really her. I don't think she even knows who she is.

I am still hopeful that the right one is out there.  And your right I have gained tons of experience, I will never rush into anything again.  I feel if it is the right person there is no need for desperation or to rush.  My big problem now is being so lonely.  She was so needy that she occupied all of my time.  I think I can eventually deal with the loneliness.  Way better to be lonely than drove crazy

Thanks again for the advice.  I am going to make it through this!

[Tim300]

If you ever establish a good relationship with her (romantic or platonic) she will just self destruct it.  Also, she will definitely tell lies about how you abused her, etc.  Keep your distance and let someone else be her target.   

[BPDGuy1]

This ^

It's ok to be lonely! I am as well at times but what I've found is that it forces you to do more things with your time. Those things you've neglected while putting all your time into her and that's where you will meet new people and a new relationship.

No contact is essential. It'll hurt like hell but you will gain clarity like I have and you will be here offering the same advice to people in the same position you are. Trust me when I say no contact is the most powerful healing tool you can do. She will contact you and try and drag you back in any way she can. When she does, breath and post what she says here and let us help you through it.

[glaciercats]

I am going to start doing this as of today.  She hasn't been bothering my as much for the last few days.  And I haven't seen her in person in a month now.  I know she will frantically start the calls and texts again.  I feel this is just the calm before the storm. And honestly it does hurt worrying about her and hoping she is safe. I think its because I put her above my own needs for so long.  But I have got to start worrying about me now.  I am already feeling a little better about the situation and I think since I haven't seen her in person in a while it is helping me.  Thanks for all the advice. And before I break I will calm down and post here. Having people that have been through the same experiences will really help me.   

[Tim300]

No contact is essential. It'll hurt like hell but you will gain clarity like I have and you will be here offering the same advice to people in the same position you are.

It can be so difficult to see clearly when you're in it.  You're just trying so hard to focus on school, work, etc., and keep her happy.  Outside of it, with unlimited time to read about BPD, I think 90%+ of targets can be permanently set free.  Probably 98% will determine to never procreate with the pwBPD. 

[glaciercats]

Your right it totally sucks you in and makes your brain a jumbled mess... .ugh