Furniture delivered to my house.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

5 months post b/u; 3 months n/c.

So apparently she ordered some furniture (the kind you have to take out of the box and assemble) and... .it was delivered to my house.  I live in the house we used to share, so I'm thinking she forgot to change an address somewhere along the way... .but here I sit with her new furniture.  I imagine it will take her a little time to figure out what's happened.

Lol.

Some options:

1. Her sister and husband live 10 minutes away... .I could message him and ask him to swing by with his truck - just get it the hell out of here as quickly as possible.  (There's part of me that doesn't want to lift a figure to help get this straightened out, though.)

2. I could wait for her to contact me, respond in a limited but polite way and arrange a way for her to get her furniture.

3. I could wait for her to contact me, not respond at all, and then do number 1 above.

4. I could do nothing at all - I may get some free furniture out of the deal!  

Thoughts?

(BTW, I don't think this was purposeful, I really don't.  I'm pretty sure she'd be happy if she never saw me again.)

[jhkbuzz]

5 months post b/u; 3 months n/c.

So apparently she ordered some furniture (the kind you have to take out of the box and assemble) and... .it was delivered to my house.  I live in the house we used to share, so I'm thinking she forgot to change an address somewhere along the way... .but here I sit with her new furniture.  I imagine it will take her a little time to figure out what's happened.

Lol.

Some options:

1. Her sister and husband live 10 minutes away... .I could message him and ask him to swing by with his truck - just get it the hell out of here as quickly as possible.  (There's part of me that doesn't want to lift a figure to help get this straightened out, though.)

2. I could wait for her to contact me, respond in a limited but polite way and arrange a way for her to get her furniture.

3. I could wait for her to contact me, not respond at all, and then do number 1 above.

4. I could do nothing at all - I may get some free furniture out of the deal!  

Thoughts?

(BTW, I don't think this was purposeful, I really don't.  I'm pretty sure she'd be happy if she never saw me again.)

[Tim300]

I would go with option 1.

[BorisAcusio]

I would go with #1.

[Mr Hollande]

I also say option 1.

[billypilgrim]

Do you know the vendor?  I'd contact them and send it back.  Tell them it was mistakenly delivered to your address.

[JRT]

If it were me, I would demand that she call me and make arrangements to pick it up... .AND, upon condition of giving it to her, she will need to provide an explanation of why she did what she did (disappearing act with not subsequent communication)  ... .otherwise it goes into the trash

I actually have a analogous situation... .communicating through a third party, she opted that I throw out her things (very valuable btw) rather than consider even speaking with me.

[downwhim]

option 1. Hang in there. try not to let it trigger.

[Infared]

Self esteem is attained by doing esteemable acts.  I say that number 1 is your most mature action.  Or calling the shipper to pick it up... .that way as well you have acted in an adult fashion and save yourself any and all interaction with a painful past.

Good luck!... .and be careful.

[jhkbuzz]

Self esteem is attained by doing esteemable acts.  I say that number 1 is your most mature action.  Or calling the shipper to pick it up... .that way as well you have acted in an adult fashion and save yourself any and all interaction with a painful past.

Good luck!... .and be careful.

Thank you for this reminder Infared.

One of the things I truly take comfort from is that I retained my integrity in the face of all the horrendous things she did.  While I have deeply grieved the end of the r/s, I have not had to deal with feelings of shame since I've not done anything that I'm ashamed OF - and this will make it easier for me to heal and move forward as a whole, healthy human being. She cannot say the same by any stretch of the imagination.

I just finished contacting the vendor.  I explained the situation and asked them to contact her for an updated address.  I actually have her address, but am not inclined to offer any assistance beyond the bare minimum - she can deal with the vendor and give them the info they need.

Handling things this way has two benefits:  I retain my integrity - and I indirectly let her know that I am not willing to contact her.  It would have been easy for me to send her a text to let her know what happened, but I didn't.  I like the message that sends.

[jhkbuzz]

If it were me, I would demand that she call me and make arrangements to pick it up... .AND, upon condition of giving it to her, she will need to provide an explanation of why she did what she did (disappearing act with not subsequent communication)  ... .otherwise it goes into the trash

I actually have a analogous situation... .communicating through a third party, she opted that I throw out her things (very valuable btw) rather than consider even speaking with me.

I have to say... .I can empathize with your post and your desire for validation.  

One of the very interesting things for me was to observe (with a certain level of detachment) all the thoughts that flew in and out of my head as I pondered what to do with my new-found "furniture."  One thing I became very aware of was my temptation to use this situation to try to "control" her - to compel her to interact with me. (And I do have some controlling tendencies so I have to watch out for this). This option was kind of appealing because she cut off all communication with me.  This "cut-off" happened after we had spent some time together post b/u and were in the middle of texting a few days later. Much to my surprise she simply stopped responding mid-conversation and we haven't spoken since.  It was very painful.

Four things I realized as I considered trying to "compel" her to interact with me:

1.  This would be an unhealthy controlling impulse on my part.

2.  She could easily choose to "abandon" the furniture - much like the decision your ex made.

3.  She is a disordered human being who cannot look me in the eye - much less have a reasonable conversation with me - due to her deep-seated shame over her behavior.  I am not willing to destabilize her further by "forcing" her to interact with me.

4.  Compeling her to interact with me would be completely disrespectful of me - she is an adult and I have to resist the impulse to run roughshod over the decisions she makes - even when I don't like them, and even when they are painful to me.

A decision I made in the middle of my r/s with her (as I was becoming aware of her lying and unfaithfulness) was that I would not allow her (dysfunctional) behavior to change who I am, fundamentally, as a human being.  This decision has enabled me to resist some of my base impulses - especially for revenge, and to control. Not going there.  I want to remain proud of myself and my behavior.

[JRT]

Every relationship, of course is different. I don't know enough regarding the details of yours to provide any kind of informed input. My relationship, though, was very placid and fulfilling (she was a waif). I was happy ... .she said that she was happy... .there were no arguments or disagreements... .we like and did the same things, etc. She had just moved in and we were planning our wedding.

Then poof, she disappeared with only an angry text. She blocked me from communication in every imaginable way and blocked even common friends from contact.

Sure, I can take the high road (if even it IS a high road). But, she OWES me an explanation. If she wants to consider it controlling of me or if it will worsen her own situation, I really don't see any practical value in that for me and, frankly, could really give two SH**s what it does to her give the amount of pain that this has caused to me and my daughter. Matter of fact, I have taken great comfort in realizing that all the bad things that have happened to her and all the bad things that will happen, are 100% deserved by her.

Sorry if this paints me in a bad light, but I think that I have a right to be angry... .forever. I don's see any benefit at all in anything less.

[jhkbuzz]

Every relationship, of course is different. I don't know enough regarding the details of yours to provide any kind of informed input. My relationship, though, was very placid and fulfilling (she was a waif). I was happy ... .she said that she was happy... .there were no arguments or disagreements... .we like and did the same things, etc. She had just moved in and we were planning our wedding.

Then poof, she disappeared with only an angry text. She blocked me from communication in every imaginable way and blocked even common friends from contact.

Sure, I can take the high road (if even it IS a high road). But, she OWES me an explanation. If she wants to consider it controlling of me or if it will worsen her own situation, I really don't see any practical value in that for me and, frankly, could really give two SH**s what it does to her give the amount of pain that this has caused to me and my daughter. Matter of fact, I have taken great comfort in realizing that all the bad things that have happened to her and all the bad things that will happen, are 100% deserved by her.

Sorry if this paints me in a bad light, but I think that I have a right to be angry... .forever. I don's see any benefit at all in anything less.

You DEFINITELY have a right to be angry... .and anger is one of the stages of grief. I have spent a lot of time feeling anger... .and incredible sadness... .and confusion... .it's all part of the post b/u trauma when you've been involved with a pwBPD. I am so sorry for your loss - it is awful to have your world come crashing down.

This is the thing:  I've realized that I can FEEL whatever I want... .it's when those feelings lead me to ACT in ways that are against my own values or moral "code" that I'm in trouble.  Because eventually, I will feel shame over crossing those boundaries - within myself - and that's a much harder pain to live with than any pain that my ex has introduced into my life.  

[JRT]

I agree with you and feel that I live within those healthy confines. I am as mad as hell but it will not lead me to acting upon it in any real way. I have taken great comfort in being pissed off; until I was, I pitied her and her illness and really wished that I could help her to overcome. Now, I just hate her which is more consideration than she is worth... .she upset many lives including her own.

[Ripped Heart]

I too would either go with option 1 or contact the vendors and say they mistakenly delivered to your address.

The problem with option 1 is that although it's contacting her relatives, it's difficult to navigate how she is thinking right now. Relatives might also want to stay out of things and pass it over to her to resolve, forcing you into one of the other options.

Contacting the vendor puts the responsibility firmly back on her and leaves you free of any contact. She can sort out the delivery herself through contact with the vendors and leaves you free of being dragged into anything you don't want to be.

[jhkbuzz]

I agree with you and feel that I live within those healthy confines. I am as mad as hell but it will not lead me to acting upon it in any real way. I have taken great comfort in being pissed off; until I was, I pitied her and her illness and really wished that I could help her to overcome. Now, I just hate her which is more consideration than she is worth... .she upset many lives including her own.

I feel you... .I was amazed at how much sympathy I actually had for her after the b/u... .and our r/s ended after I found out about her AFFAIR!  How f'ed/up is THAT?  I was happy when the anger came... .it helped me detach.

Just recognize that anger is one of the stages of grief, and, just the way you wouldn't have wanted to remain forever in that first phase, you don't want to live your life in the anger phase either... .

[jhkbuzz]

I too would either go with option 1 or contact the vendors and say they mistakenly delivered to your address.

The problem with option 1 is that although it's contacting her relatives, it's difficult to navigate how she is thinking right now. Relatives might also want to stay out of things and pass it over to her to resolve, forcing you into one of the other options.

Contacting the vendor puts the responsibility firmly back on her and leaves you free of any contact. She can sort out the delivery herself through contact with the vendors and leaves you free of being dragged into anything you don't want to be.

I had the same sort of thought... .I decided that I didn't want to contact her family at all.  I contacted the vendor this morning... .they will take care of it.

[Recooperating]

I think you did the right thing by calling the vendor and let them take care of it. Next thing you know the bill is shipped to your adress too!

[Infared]

Self esteem is attained by doing esteemable acts.  I say that number 1 is your most mature action.  Or calling the shipper to pick it up... .that way as well you have acted in an adult fashion and save yourself any and all interaction with a painful past.

Good luck!... .and be careful.

Thank you for this reminder Infared.

One of the things I truly take comfort from is that I retained my integrity in the face of all the horrendous things she did.  While I have deeply grieved the end of the r/s, I have not had to deal with feelings of shame since I've not done anything that I'm ashamed OF - and this will make it easier for me to heal and move forward as a whole, healthy human being. She cannot say the same by any stretch of the imagination.

I just finished contacting the vendor.  I explained the situation and asked them to contact her for an updated address.  I actually have her address, but am not inclined to offer any assistance beyond the bare minimum - she can deal with the vendor and give them the info they need.

Handling things this way has two benefits:  I retain my integrity - and I indirectly let her know that I am not willing to contact her.  It would have been easy for me to send her a text to let her know what happened, but I didn't.  I like the message that sends.

That is the BEST!  This way you send an adult message to her, avoid ALL drama and take care of you by keeping you out of contact with her and her family members.  When we are in a stressful emotional state it is hard to think clearly and make mature decisions... .at least it is for me.

Because of the abandonment and lack of closure in these painful endings, one of the few things we have to walk away with is "us". If we take the high road and take the actions that we can be proud of (NOT easy to do), then we walk away loving us... .and in the end we are all we are left with.  Sounds silly... .but at times I would hug myself and say "buddy... .you did the best you could do... .I love you."  Tough stuff.

[Infared]

If it were me, I would demand that she call me and make arrangements to pick it up... .AND, upon condition of giving it to her, she will need to provide an explanation of why she did what she did (disappearing act with not subsequent communication)  ... .otherwise it goes into the trash

I actually have a analogous situation... .communicating through a third party, she opted that I throw out her things (very valuable btw) rather than consider even speaking with me.

I have to say... .I can empathize with your post and your desire for validation.  

One of the very interesting things for me was to observe (with a certain level of detachment) all the thoughts that flew in and out of my head as I pondered what to do with my new-found "furniture."  One thing I became very aware of was my temptation to use this situation to try to "control" her - to compel her to interact with me. (And I do have some controlling tendencies so I have to watch out for this). This option was kind of appealing because she cut off all communication with me.  This "cut-off" happened after we had spent some time together post b/u and were in the middle of texting a few days later. Much to my surprise she simply stopped responding mid-conversation and we haven't spoken since.  It was very painful.

Four things I realized as I considered trying to "compel" her to interact with me:

1.  This would be an unhealthy controlling impulse on my part.

2.  She could easily choose to "abandon" the furniture - much like the decision your ex made.

3.  She is a disordered human being who cannot look me in the eye - much less have a reasonable conversation with me - due to her deep-seated shame over her behavior.  I am not willing to destabilize her further by "forcing" her to interact with me.

4.  Compeling her to interact with me would be completely disrespectful of me - she is an adult and I have to resist the impulse to run roughshod over the decisions she makes - even when I don't like them, and even when they are painful to me.

A decision I made in the middle of my r/s with her (as I was becoming aware of her lying and unfaithfulness) was that I would not allow her (dysfunctional) behavior to change who I am, fundamentally, as a human being.  This decision has enabled me to resist some of my base impulses - especially for revenge, and to control. Not going there.  I want to remain proud of myself and my behavior.

Jhkbuzz... .I admire ALL the reasons for your decision. Grown up stuff. She ran off, she left you... .you are fighting off a lot of unhealthy impulses and angry reactions and doing the adult thing here. Nice job... .hope that this plays out well for you. 

[downwhim]

Jhk.

I admire your strength of character. It is amazing how they can do one thing (you had furniture delivery, I got my computer hacked into and pictures taken) and we have to try and figure out how they would react when we react?

I enjoyed they way you dissected what possible outcomes could be. We are learning about ourselves through all their craziness. 

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you for the encouragement Infared and downwhim... .you words are comforting. 

[jhkbuzz]

The end of the story:  I received an email reply from the vendor today:  she contacted them already to make the address correction.  I get to keep the furniture - I wish I actually liked what she ordered !

[Infared]

The end of the story:  I received an email reply from the vendor today:  she contacted them already to make the address correction.  I get to keep the furniture - I wish I actually liked what she ordered !

HUH?... they are not going to come get it and redeliver it?  Am I getting this correctly?

You are stuck with her delivery?  (more baggage! LOL~ )  What the heck?

Hey... .at least you do not have to interact with her or her family... .which is sad... (at least it would upset me.), ... .but no doubt it is the best thing for you... .right?

[jhkbuzz]

The end of the story:  I received an email reply from the vendor today:  she contacted them already to make the address correction.  I get to keep the furniture - I wish I actually liked what she ordered !

HUH?... they are not going to come get it and redeliver it?  Am I getting this correctly?

You are stuck with her delivery?  (more baggage! LOL~ )  What the heck?

Hey... .at least you do not have to interact with her or her family... .which is sad... (at least it would upset me.), ... .but no doubt it is the best thing for you... .right?

Yes... .interesting, eh?  It's a cheap piece of assembled furniture - a cabinet - cost about $130. It seems strange to me that they don't want it back - but it is heavy as hell.  Perhaps they don't want to pay the shipping, I don't know.

I think I would've been okay with dealing with her family, but I decided not to test that theory.   The best thing, I think, was to do exactly what I did - which wasn't even on my radar until someone suggested it to me.  I'm really grateful for this discussion board.

[Infared]

The end of the story:  I received an email reply from the vendor today:  she contacted them already to make the address correction.  I get to keep the furniture - I wish I actually liked what she ordered !

HUH?... they are not going to come get it and redeliver it?  Am I getting this correctly?

You are stuck with her delivery?  (more baggage! LOL~ )  What the heck?

Hey... .at least you do not have to interact with her or her family... .which is sad... (at least it would upset me.), ... .but no doubt it is the best thing for you... .right?

Yes... .interesting, eh?  It's a cheap piece of assembled furniture - a cabinet - cost about $130. It seems strange to me that they don't want it back - but it is heavy as hell.  Perhaps they don't want to pay the shipping, I don't know.

I think I would've been okay with dealing with her family, but I decided not to test that theory.  The best thing, I think, was to do exactly what I did - which wasn't even on my radar until someone suggested it to me.  I'm really grateful for this discussion board.

I have found that it is always good to bounce ideas off others to get their thoughts... .if I feel that the person may have knowledge in the area I have a decision to make... .Often I get input that I would never have come up with.

I am in the process of purchasing a vehicle right now ... .and I have an experienced advisor/friend helping me... .He has even offered to go in and negotiate the deal for me... .(he gets off on that... and is VERY good at it).  Its funny... .The car dealers all play "nice salesman... .bad money guy manager"... they get on you... .so when I bring him in ... .we will have good guy/bad guy right back at them... . LOL!   I just asked and I got a lot of good help.  It always pays to stay calm, kick back, think and "respond".   "Reacting" always lands me in a pile of doo doo!  

Glad that this worked out for you!

[jhkbuzz]

The end of the story:  I received an email reply from the vendor today:  she contacted them already to make the address correction.  I get to keep the furniture - I wish I actually liked what she ordered !

HUH?... they are not going to come get it and redeliver it?  Am I getting this correctly?

You are stuck with her delivery?  (more baggage! LOL~ )  What the heck?

Hey... .at least you do not have to interact with her or her family... .which is sad... (at least it would upset me.), ... .but no doubt it is the best thing for you... .right?

Yes... .interesting, eh?  It's a cheap piece of assembled furniture - a cabinet - cost about $130. It seems strange to me that they don't want it back - but it is heavy as hell.  Perhaps they don't want to pay the shipping, I don't know.

I think I would've been okay with dealing with her family, but I decided not to test that theory.  The best thing, I think, was to do exactly what I did - which wasn't even on my radar until someone suggested it to me.  I'm really grateful for this discussion board.

I have found that it is always good to bounce ideas off others to get their thoughts... .if I feel that the person may have knowledge in the area I have a decision to make... .Often I get input that I would never have come up with.

I am in the process of purchasing a vehicle right now ... .and I have an experienced advisor/friend helping me... .He has even offered to go in and negotiate the deal for me... .(he gets off on that... and is VERY good at it).  Its funny... .The car dealers all play "nice salesman... .bad money guy manager"... they get on you... .so when I bring him in ... .we will have good guy/bad guy right back at them... . LOL!   I just asked and I got a lot of good help.  It always pays to stay calm, kick back, think and "respond".   "Reacting" always lands me in a pile of doo doo!  

Glad that this worked out for you!

Yes... .that's the awesome thing about advice - other brains think differently than mine!  

Good luck with your car - as a native New Yorker I LOVE negotiating for cars.  I especially enjoy the look in their eye as they begin to realize that I know exactly what I'm doing.  And I have also gone with friends of mine to help with the negotiations !

Good luck on your purchase - and thanks for the conversation!