new co parent counseling meeting today

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I arrived a minute or two late. Ex was already in the office and was having a conversation with the counselor. It appeared that she was blaming me for something that happened a few days ago. I sat down and the counselor took over.

Ex started with saying that I don't communicate with her about the boys. She went on for a while and contradicted herself several times. The counselor asked me about what my take was. I explained that when I tried to communicate with her about the boys about something she would attack me in her email response and I would find out later that the boys would get dragged into it at her place and it wouldn't be pleasant for them. I decided five or six years ago that the boys needed someone they could confide in and not be lashed out against so I went to parallel parenting. I gave several examples. I could see ex getting upset but I said nothing inflammatory or triggering at least in my mind and it seemed the counselors mind too. He is usually expressionless.

Ex then went on to explain that she hired a tutor for S11. I listened to her and then the counselor asked me what I thought about it. I said I thought it was a great idea. He asked why. I explained that S11 has a writing assignment every week and on Mondays, my time, he does his rough draft. Usually on Thursday, my time, he does his final draft. Last week he did his final draft with the tutor. I did mention I know the tutor and thought she was an excellent choice. I pointed out because of that I had extra time with S16 and he actually had a question with something and I had enough time to help him. He had a test on Friday and he scored a 97 so the extra time really worked out well. Ex countered that I was not being honest about the rough drafts being done every Monday. I explained that I have copies of every homework, she knew that already, for the last three years so I can back up my claim. I then said that ex was correct since S11 had 11 writing assignments to date and there was one that he did not do a rough draft on Monday because he ran out of time. I explained that every homework S11 does with me is signed and dated by me so I can back up my claim.

We went though two other things and I was the first to talk. I told my version for lack of a better way to say it. Ex immediately disagreed with my version. She then went on to explain her version which, believe it or not, was the same thing I said. I was looking at the counselor and ex was looking at me. The counselors face showed me that he realized ex was repeating what I had just said. It was priceless.

The rest of the meeting continued in the same fashion. The counselor said a few things when looking at ex but it seemed more appropriate that he was talking to me. I heard it loud and clear. When he asked me what I thought I explained the situations from my point of view and the results. He actually nodded his head in affirmation once and I noticed he caught himself and stopped. I almost laughed but kept my composure.

I have a high degree of confidence my perceptions are spot on.

[david]

I arrived a minute or two late. Ex was already in the office and was having a conversation with the counselor. It appeared that she was blaming me for something that happened a few days ago. I sat down and the counselor took over.

Ex started with saying that I don't communicate with her about the boys. She went on for a while and contradicted herself several times. The counselor asked me about what my take was. I explained that when I tried to communicate with her about the boys about something she would attack me in her email response and I would find out later that the boys would get dragged into it at her place and it wouldn't be pleasant for them. I decided five or six years ago that the boys needed someone they could confide in and not be lashed out against so I went to parallel parenting. I gave several examples. I could see ex getting upset but I said nothing inflammatory or triggering at least in my mind and it seemed the counselors mind too. He is usually expressionless.

Ex then went on to explain that she hired a tutor for S11. I listened to her and then the counselor asked me what I thought about it. I said I thought it was a great idea. He asked why. I explained that S11 has a writing assignment every week and on Mondays, my time, he does his rough draft. Usually on Thursday, my time, he does his final draft. Last week he did his final draft with the tutor. I did mention I know the tutor and thought she was an excellent choice. I pointed out because of that I had extra time with S16 and he actually had a question with something and I had enough time to help him. He had a test on Friday and he scored a 97 so the extra time really worked out well. Ex countered that I was not being honest about the rough drafts being done every Monday. I explained that I have copies of every homework, she knew that already, for the last three years so I can back up my claim. I then said that ex was correct since S11 had 11 writing assignments to date and there was one that he did not do a rough draft on Monday because he ran out of time. I explained that every homework S11 does with me is signed and dated by me so I can back up my claim.

We went though two other things and I was the first to talk. I told my version for lack of a better way to say it. Ex immediately disagreed with my version. She then went on to explain her version which, believe it or not, was the same thing I said. I was looking at the counselor and ex was looking at me. The counselors face showed me that he realized ex was repeating what I had just said. It was priceless.

The rest of the meeting continued in the same fashion. The counselor said a few things when looking at ex but it seemed more appropriate that he was talking to me. I heard it loud and clear. When he asked me what I thought I explained the situations from my point of view and the results. He actually nodded his head in affirmation once and I noticed he caught himself and stopped. I almost laughed but kept my composure.

I have a high degree of confidence my perceptions are spot on.

[ForeverDad]

I wonder, maybe you could slip in... .  Due to the conviction 4 years ago I haven't been able to teach since then and have been on 'leave', which is why I've been trying to find other work these last few years.  In several months I can apply to have my record expunged and I then will be able to resume teaching again.  I view helping the boys as not only good for them but also a good way to keep my skills honed.

Or would that be waving a red flag in her face, too much like daring her to sabotage you again?

What I mean is that he will realize it's not just a bunch of disagreements between parents, the claims have gone so far as to permanently impact your teaching career, setting you back at least 5 years.

[david]

The charges she brought against me and the consequences were already mentioned in the first or second meeting. I mentioned them as facts and did say that I did not commit the crime I was accused of. I said that in the first three years I had three protection orders filed against me and the assault charge which was changed to disorderly conduct. The first thing I did after getting out of jail was to by a video and audio recorder and let ex know it. That was four years ago and I haven't had anything against me by ex since that time besides the fact that I am breaking state law by recording.

What I have come to realize is that my ex has no idea how to parent without help. My detaching so much has her clueless on what to do. I was actually sitting there getting a better understanding of what it means to have no sense of self. I would say something and she would disagree with what I said. She has to because I am the bad one. The counselor would ask her how she believed the event happened. She repeated what I said using the same words and didn't change it in any substantial way. It was really eye opening. I honestly felt sorry because she doesn't really know what to do without someone giving her clues. I think I would be scared out of my wits if I was like that. I realized when we were together how she was so good at picking up on what I was doing or saying and making it her own idea. I used to think we were so in tune with each other and I never seen anything like it before. Now that I don't express myself and keep it clinical she has no way to pick up on which way to go. I can see how that triggers her and her anger takes over. She isn't angry with me. She is angry with herself but she needs to project it to someone she feels safe with or thinks should be helping her. If I did what she wanted I would only be enabling her and that wouldn't be right.

During the meeting I said something. I don't remember what it was but ex made a dismissive noise. I continued talking and just let it go. The counselor interrupted and questioned ex about the noise. He asked her if she could see how someone would view that as derogatory. She had no reply and tried to change the subject. The counselor stopped her and told me to continue.

The counselor said a few times that a lot of what he is seeing appears to be from what happened in the past between us. He asked if we wanted to talk about that. I said I had no problem talking about anything. Ex flat out said she had no interest in going there. He actually asked three times.

I think he gets it and doesn't view this as a bunch of disagreements. I haven't really been challenged by him about anything I have said. He has questioned ex's reasons/reasoning in a non confrontational way in several of the meetings. This meeting he seemed to increase the amount of times he questioned her. I really didn't say much. The meeting was about an hour and I talked about 15 minutes. I let ex do most of the talking since she is helping a lot.