What is wrong with me?

[LimboFL]

Hi everyone,

Although she forced me by basically saying she was gong to go on a date out of town on NYE, without my even knowing that we were finished, I essentially ended the relationship with my exBPDgf by moving out of our apartment a day later, on the 30th of Jan, leaving her to deal with all of the things I had done for her, like drive her to work back and forth every day, taking care of her two dogs and so so much more. I completely cleaned up and left a kind note but I wasn't going to sit there like an idiot.

We were together for 4 years, some of it was wonderful and some of it was very difficult. Rages, insults, you name it and it has all been named here. I still love her deeply so I am still going through the tug of war between knowing that I just couldn't live under those conditions anymore and the fading hope that anything would ever change if there was a reconciliation.

In other words, I have thanks, to reading and reading on this site, realized that no matter how much I love her and miss her (the kind, sweet gentle, in pain woman that I did fall in love with. While there was plenty of difficulty, there was also lots of genuine affection and sweetness. She was not my dream girl, in fact, she wasn't really my type but we had a great deal in common - not mirroring, liberal views, love of animals, so much more that was real because there were hard items from her history that you can't fake - that I slowly fell in love with her. I put the brakes many times in the beginning because it was moving too fast for me) she will only cause me pain.

Ok, so why did I ask the question in the subject line? Because, here I sit knowing that I am recovering far faster than most using a huge dose of reality to keep my emotions in check. I go through most of the day strong and resolute knowing that she is likely with my replacement (although he lives a 1000 miles away and still lives with his "ex" wife and their kids) and yet, at least once a day or sometimes twice, I will just burst into tears. Why is this happening? I don't get it.  I thank God that I am no longer consumed by it but dammit if I wish that these bloody sudden emotional moments would stop just jumping out at me. I even know that she is likely feeling no hurt whatsoever, that I am likely nothing more than a pit stop in her life but yet here I sit, in tears. What the heck?

I know that there is no answer to my question but I needed to ask anyway. She wasn't a demon and she expressed pain so many times after she had been abusive to me. She was aware. This really stinks! What I wouldn't give to be able to rip the ugly out of her and be left with the woman I know does live inside.

I am moving forward and will recover fine, but I can't explain going through an entire day without the anxiety and heart pounding, that I can hear a sad song and not feel it to my core, yet out of nowhere I will just burst into tears.

Thanks for listening.

[Tim300]

Hi everyone,

Although she forced me by basically saying she was gong to go on a date out of town on NYE, without my even knowing that we were finished, I essentially ended the relationship with my exBPDgf by moving out of our apartment a day later, on the 30th of Jan, leaving her to deal with all of the things I had done for her, like drive her to work back and forth every day, taking care of her two dogs and so so much more. I completely cleaned up and left a kind note but I wasn't going to sit there like an idiot.

We were together for 4 years, some of it was wonderful and some of it was very difficult. Rages, insults, you name it and it has all been named here. I still love her deeply so I am still going through the tug of war between knowing that I just couldn't live under those conditions anymore and the fading hope that anything would ever change if there was a reconciliation.

In other words, I have thanks, to reading and reading on this site, realized that no matter how much I love her and miss her (the kind, sweet gentle, in pain woman that I did fall in love with. While there was plenty of difficulty, there was also lots of genuine affection and sweetness. She was not my dream girl, in fact, she wasn't really my type but we had a great deal in common - not mirroring, liberal views, love of animals, so much more that was real because there were hard items from her history that you can't fake - that I slowly fell in love with her. I put the brakes many times in the beginning because it was moving too fast for me) she will only cause me pain.

Ok, so why did I ask the question in the subject line? Because, here I sit knowing that I am recovering far faster than most using a huge dose of reality to keep my emotions in check. I go through most of the day strong and resolute knowing that she is likely with my replacement (although he lives a 1000 miles away and still lives with his "ex" wife and their kids) and yet, at least once a day or sometimes twice, I will just burst into tears. Why is this happening? I don't get it.  I thank God that I am no longer consumed by it but dammit if I wish that these bloody sudden emotional moments would stop just jumping out at me. I even know that she is likely feeling no hurt whatsoever, that I am likely nothing more than a pit stop in her life but yet here I sit, in tears. What the heck?

I know that there is no answer to my question but I needed to ask anyway. She wasn't a demon and she expressed pain so many times after she had been abusive to me. She was aware. This really stinks! What I wouldn't give to be able to rip the ugly out of her and be left with the woman I know does live inside.

I am moving forward and will recover fine, but I can't explain going through an entire day without the anxiety and heart pounding, that I can hear a sad song and not feel it to my core, yet out of nowhere I will just burst into tears.

Thanks for listening.

I am with you.  I could have just written these exact same words.  I've been doing well lately but for some reason today I have been thinking about her -- and it hurts.  I know that there is no way of ever making it work with her because of the BPD, but it still hurts.

There is nothing wrong with you.  If you weren't hurt like this you'd probably have to have ASPD or something.  You are normal.  

[Recooperating]

Hi Limbo,

I agree, this crap sucks! I can relate to your situation: being fine and then all of a sudden it hits you: BOOM... .Anxiety, tears, sadness, sometimes anger... .

Its just something we have to go through, it takes a sh!t load of time. I can honestly say it get better, little by little, step by step you'll cry one tear less every day.

And its true: what you resist persists!

I also really struggled with the fact  that my ex is not grieving, he had a replacement 2 days past b/u while I was broken down and barely functioning... .Damn that was/is hard! But I guess its part of the BPD. Troubles regulating emotions, no sense of self, constant need for validation and admiration. Although its so hard not to, we just cant take it personal, radicall acceptance is the only way.

As far as trying to rip the evil out, that was my bad in the RS. Trying to fix him, change him, make him see what an ass he was, trying so hard to make him live up to "the potential" I saw in him. And there's the elephant that has been in the room throughout the whole rs that I refused to see; I was in love with potential, not with reality.

These break ups are so hard! Action contradicted their charming words, confusion all over, abuse, manipulations, cheating, raging, accusations and then sweet words again. Now trying to get sanity back and heal from this and growing as persons, we can only come out stronger.

Happiness is a choice, not a result of a situation. It comes from within. It just takes time... .

Hang in there, things will get better!

[LimboFL]

Thank you guys and I hear you recooperating.

My BPDexgf tried. She stopped doing coke after she started living with me and even thanked me over and over for providing her with a stable, peaceful escape from her former life.

She had a serious brush with the law while drunk ( her Mother was dying and she went to visit and something happened at the airport with the police, understandably emotional ) and stopped drinking so hard.

I put up boundaries whenever I could sense her slowly getting infatuated with another man (every 4 months or so ) and believe that she never cheated, because she would always be home at night but she certainly had her mental escapes with other guys. I could take everything else because I was learning how not to react to her insults. I was learning to stay quiet which would result in her apologizing for saying those means things. The last night we saw each other, I yelled at her saying that I was finally starting to learn how to cope with the disorder. So much more was said.

She had so many one liners that were her code and for which I took a lot of abuse for daring to stray outside of the boundaries of those codes, yet she would sometimes be miles outside of them. Compared to many of the heartbreaking stories I have read on this site, my ex fought hard to deal with her issues. My heart broke for her because I would watch her go through these catastrophic anxiety attacks and her hands were always moving around as she dealt with her racing mind. I so wanted to help, which is why I fought day in and day out to learn how not to react. Reacting only worsened things.

They hurt and feel, I don't believe what everyone says. I refuse to believe that she won't have moments where she will realize what she has lost, that she gave up on a man that (for all of my faults) was there for her through thick and thin, who loved her genuinely and so deeply wanted to be her rock. It is likely that very thing that she couldn't cope with. Now she doesn't have someone to come home to, to count on.

I believe the same is the case for you too. While I do believe that there is need involved with their reaching back out to us, I also believe that they have flashes where they genuinely miss us, the comfort and the safety that they felt with us. The love that I know that they felt. The saddest part is that what I do believe is that they don't know how to sustain that. The way I see it, the love they feel is genuine and lasts until the next perceived infraction. That their love could keep going if they were able to let go of their anger at such small things.

I would repeatedly say to her, after she would get impossibly frustrated at me for not emptying my ashtray after 2 cigs, that I was constantly cleaning up after her and never let it get to me. She would always leave her coffee cup on the dining room table. I would always get home before her and collect it and wash it. I told her this and her response was "nonsense", so for the next few days, I left her cup on the dining room table, without saying a word. She said nothing.

I am a handsome guy, who looks much younger than his 47 years but she was putting on weight and her years of drug abuse and stress were showing on her face ( she is 45 ) but I didn't care. I was constantly telling her how beautiful and sexy she was. She didn't feel it.

At this point, I don't mind if she isn't thinking about me, although I am hard pressed to believe it no matter who she thinks she has found. I left her before she could even figure out who he was and I suspect that given he still lives with his "ex" wife and his kids that he will either realize pretty quick (because it wasn't but two weeks into our relationship before she showed her temper - she isn't able to control herself when someone "screws up" Plus, which I also was able to accept, she told me she had an STD. This guy is a weather guy on TV, a thousand miles away. Weather guys are dorks to begin with but they do have access to women. Put all of the pieces together and... .hey it makes me feel better. =)

Anyway, as mentioned, I believe there is too much said about how they don't care or don't/won't miss us. I know that they do and they will. I just think that they don't know what to do about that or how to deal with those emotions. While a normal person, who misses their ex SO will reach out maturely and express their feelings, they just don't know how to communicate their feelings, because they were never taught how to. My ex's Mother was a dragon lady. She loved her children but likely a BPD herself was so demanding and rough on them, especially my ex who was deemed the angel of the group, the youngest. My ex told me all about her and I did get to speak with her on the phone. Very formal etc.

Ok enough babbling. Thank you both again! I cried again reading your responses but it was cathartic. This damn site has been so helpful. Many moons ago when my ex broke up with me, blaming me for giving her the STD, I found this site to learn. Now I am here to heal.

Have a wonderful night everyone. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other.

[Sheed]

Hi Limbo!

I am in the same boat as you man. I am fresh out of the relationship (1 week) and i feel very terrible. I will have uncontrollable sadness and just burst into tears in my office. It is difficult man. As you look back you thought you did everything that a good man can do to be in a relationship but it is never enough. Her cop out was that i "lied to her" or i held back some information from her about my past relationships. I would have told her if it wasn't met with anger and rage when i tell her things about my past. But because she reacted in a way that induced fear that is why i got defensive.  Also there is a thing that we call DOUBLE STANDARDS. She has it. If someone flirts with her and she flirts back it's ok but if someone of the opposite sex talks to me and i respond, man... .the barrage of crazy-making happens. I never once cheated on her but she constantly accused me of it only to find out that she was the one who did. I guess what i am saying is that it does get better but not right away. Stand your ground! And when you catch yourself thinking about how good it was, you need to think about the unappreciated efforts that you did to make the relationship work. It is when you see a good contrast of the pros and cons and you can remind yourself everyday that you did what you can to prove that you loved them but they never saw it so it is best to put those efforts somewhere else where it can be highly appreciated.

P.S.

She is still in my apartment as i am writing this. She told me that it will take her another week to move all her stuff out. she also had the audacity to ask me to not bring anyone of the opposite sex into the apartment while her stuff is still there. I almost told her that that would have been appropriate had you not cheated on me but i held my tongue instead i said OK... .Take care... .

[LimboFL]

Sheed, I am sorry brother, especially that she is still there. I left the minute she finally admitted what she was doing and the way she delivered was as cold as it gets, like she was telling a friend. I lost it on her, called her every name in the book, called her out on her "I am straight shooter and would never pursue another without telling you what I was doing " 

It is truly striking how similar all of our stories are. It doesn't soothe the pain but there is a brotherhood and sisterhood that is felt on these boards, a little world that others, who haven't experienced what we have, can never understand.

I was once a complete skeptic about mental illness. I was never dismissive but it was always difficult to understand. Now I speak to others like an expert. Those of us truly card and loved our SO's have spent endless hours searching for answers on how to cope and manage our relationships. How to distance ourselves from the lack of true gratitude. I mean I once completely redid her closet, it was a mess. She used it against me saying I never told you to clean out my closet. What? I mean what man does that for his lady?

I always let it go, always said to myself that it was no big deal that things that I did weren't really appreciated because there were times when the kind and sweet woman came out, not the idealization woman but just the woman I saw inside. I wasn't looking for her to be all over me, although those moments were very nice, I was just looking for someone I could kiss hello and have a sweet talk with.

I have had my own failures in the past, a previous marriage that I was too late in realizing I needed to nurture. I wasn't a cheat or abusive in any way, but I took it for granted. So I am almost feel like the last four years were karma. I don't plan on making the same mistakes again.

If we have coped through a long relationship such as this it means that we are good, caring, loving people who are ready to love and take care of someone. I just hope that there is someone out there for us. I am no where near ready to being looking but one day.

I wish you strength over the next week. I can't begin to know the hurt you are going through. When they are there and we can smell their perfume, we can see what we are missing, even if we are filled with anger. Reach out anytime you need to. Ultimately what we are going through is the break up of any relationship accept that we are letting go of a long period of anguish and abuse but more importantly we hold no hope for the future with this person we loved. That we are saying goodbye to someone we held and wanted to be a pillar of strength for. Letting go of a dream.

It stinks! Day by day I and we all will get better but the road to no more pain is paved with a lot of it.

Big hug, brother.