SS7 and illness when with uBPdmom

[catclaw]

Hey there

It's been a while... I'm seeing a systemic coach every other week and try to clear up some issues with all the dynamics going on in my own FOR and my new little family with DH and SS7 (plus BPDm still being annoying in the background).

There's a new phenomenon which first came up in December. On sunday (the day she has to bring him back from his visits) she wrote that he's had fever and she medicated him. When SS came home, he said BPDm didn't even take his temperature and tha he didn't have fever at all. On New year's day she came up with a story that SS7 has heavy toothaches an his whole gum is inflamed and that we will have to give him painkillers when he's back home. When DH told her that if it's that bad she has to go to an emergency clinic immediately, she just said "you know I don't have a car". when being told to take a taxi (she lives 40 ms away from where we live and in case of a REAL emergency she'd be better off taking a cab than waiting for us to arrive) she answered "it's already over. he's in my bed now. just like blown away when he's in my bed. funny, isn't it?". on monday he saw a dentist and - surprise - nothing. not even a little bit.

last weekend (sunday again) she came up with SS having fever and throwing up since friday and how she got infected as well. she gave him painkillers and antiemetics. we told her to either bring him home as soon as possible (well, DH did, i wasn't even in town) or to keep him another night and going to the doctor with him in the morning for him to calm down. guess what? she chose not to bring him over AND chose not to see a doctor because by the morning all his symptoms were already gone. blown away. when back home he told us that he threw up on friday evening (after she got him) and another time on saturday but that afterwards he felt good again.

plus when he got home on monday afternoon (she had to bring him immediately because she already made other plans for the evening, so we had to ask my mom to come over as DH and I were both working) she handed him a book which says "SS' and mommy's top secret book. catclaw and daddy, don't dare to touch!". she wants him to write her letters and bring back the book the nect time he's over. as I know SS, he won't have any ambitions to write stuff on free-will, so this will be a big disappointment to her i guess. DH saw it as a provocation.

the thing is, we have this "contract" that he doesn't have to keep things that we do secret to her. she's trying to make a point I think.

We are wondering what this illness-thing may have to do with and whe she's so bragging about it being an emergency every single time until we ask her to go to an emergency room if it's that bad.

something good: SS' teacher and therapist say that he's doing amazing in small steps. they see us as a save haven and being told that our efforts are appreciated and seen felt just so good... .

[Turkish]

That's a lot of frustrating behavior by his mom, but overall it's good that his T and teacher say he is doing better.

Do you think the comment about her bed indicates that she is co-sleeping with him?

The medical stuff sounds frustrating to say the least, but it might not get better. My Ex, and she got this from her mom, used to talk about fevers. I made a point to always ask, "what was the kid's temperature? If you call the medical line, that's the first thing they'll ask." I think she finally broke down and bought a thermometer. They were big on dosing the kids with Tylenol even if they didn't have fevers. I had to be firm with that, saying overdosing isn't good, even with Children's Tylenol. I don't know how well that would work on your husband's ex, since she sounds like a bit of a hypochondriac, or she's projecting it on your SS. I have friends whose mom (likely BPD) was like that... .kids on pills, eldest son on an oxygen tank for asthma which was easily managed with an inhaler later after hid dad got custody.

[catclaw]

Hey turkish, thanks for your response!

Yeah. SS is working really hard to be like all the other kids and not to stand out in any way which is both sad and good at once. He finally is having fun doing his homework and we made a token-system for him to see that he CAN accomplish school-related stuff and is not "too small", "too stupid" or "too different from the others" as he says about himself.

Yeah, when se's alone with him, she co-sleeps with him. She told us that it's something he just needs to feel safe. I read about co-sleeping being something which is typical for BPDmothers. It seems like he "achieves" the co-sleeping by being ill. As its something that she wants as well, they're building up an unhealthy relationship around illness and co-sleeping which we can't break through. His T said that it's something we have to just ignore - it'll pass when we don't give her the stage.

The thing is - he was held very little when he moved in with us. At 7 years he didn't know how to hold a spoon or a fork, couldn't dress himself, was told that only mom can protect him from ghosts at night and he didn't even know how to cross a street properly. He had to learn all this at 7 years and now he's doing fine with everyday-stuff. We feel like this "illnes" gives her a certain kind of control. She sees that he's becoming more and more independent of her and he even tells her "no, I want to this myself" and doesn't let her comments bring him down. When she says "i don't like that" he just says "well, but I do and everybody can have their own opinion". Wow. When i first heard this i was so stunned. It both scares me (what will his mom do to make him feel guilty?) and makes me proud. The illness seems like somethng that (at least seen from another perspective) she can control and take measures... .

[Turkish]

I'd say your instincts about what's happening are spot on, but good for S7 to be asserting himself like that! Have you read the article about emotional incest at the top of the Coping and Healing Board? It seems like there is something like that going on, but S7 has a safe home with you and his dad, so you're doing something right. If your T says to give it time, maybe that's all you can do, in addition to whatever good things you have been doing.

[catclaw]

I just searchd for the article and read it. Yeah, I can relate to this so much... I already knew lots of this (not only familiar but also professional situation, i work in mental health care) but this kind of summed it up for me. thanks

we had these thoughts on something like emotional incest on this "top secret" book. i mean, why would she want to write her secrets down for them to be kept at our house? but we encouraged SS7 again to tell us anything he wants or needs to talk about (not in context with the book, though) no matter what it was. there's stuff about his mom he wouldn't tell DH and me but he tells my mom. he trusts her a lot and she's not on uBPDmom's mind when telling SS7 not to tell catclaw and daddy. that somehow gives him a sense of not betraying his mom and if this helps him, fine!

it was his T who told us to just give it time and react decently on "emergencies". she has lots of experience with cases like ours and says if we take away the stage from her it might get worse at first but she will eventually stop keeping SS ill because she will have to deal with it on her own which in the end is too much for her.