Best ways to deal with emotional immaturity

[formflier]

I was doing some reading in the lessons... .and noticed that this applied in my relationship.

#3 seems to stick out to me (see list below)  "Social and financial lives are chaotic." . My wife seems to want things... .and want them now.  This shows up as lack of tolerance for discussion of an item... .as she has already decided... .and I am still trying to get on board. I'm struggling with how best to convince my wife to give me time to process things that she has decided on.  

Looking forward to a general discussion on this... .

• How does emotional immaturity plays out in you relationship?

• How have you responded?

• How might you have dealt with it better?

Here are some characteristics of emotional immaturity from When the man in your life can't commit by David Hawkins:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0

1. Volatile Emotions Emotional volatility is indicated by such things as explosive behavior, temper tantrums, low frustration tolerance, responses out of proportion to cause, oversensitivity, inability to take criticism, unreasonable jealousy, unwillingness to forgive, and a capricious fluctuation of moods.

2. Over-Dependence Healthy human development proceeds from dependence (I need you), to independence (I don’t need anyone), to interdependence (we need each other — see also the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey).

Over-dependence is indicated by: a) inappropriate dependence, e.g. relying on someone when it is preferable to be self-reliant, and b) too great a degree of dependence for too long. This includes being too easily influenced, indecisive, and prone to snap judgments. Overly-dependent people fear change preferring accustomed situations and behavior to the uncertainty of change and the challenge of adjustment. Extreme conservatism may even be a symptom.

3. Stimulation Hunger This includes demanding immediate attention or gratification and being unable to wait for anything. Stimulation hungry people are incapable of deferred gratification, which means to put off present desires in order to gain a future reward. Stimulation hungry people are superficial and live thoughtlessly and impulsively. Their personal loyalty lasts only as long as the usefulness of the relationship. They have superficial values and are too concerned with trivia (their appearance, etc.). Their social and financial lives are chaotic.

4. Egocentricity Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It’s major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can’t have his own way.

A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships.

[Crumbling]

This leads me to the question; how does one live with an emotionally immature partner? How does the emotionally healthy one successfully respond to these actions/words?

"Only emotionally mature individuals can experience true empathy... .prime requirement for a successful r/s."  ----- that's a powerful statement.

[formflier]

 

A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others.


Can we help them see themselves more realistically?  Using SET. 

So... .when they  tear themselves down... use some SET... .with the T being something slightly on the positive side.

So... .at end of day they get that they are better than they think they are.

Do we need to be careful not to make the "too good"... .so that we avoid invalidating them?

[ColdEthyl]

Do we need to be careful not to make the "too good"... .so that we avoid invalidating them?

I wonder about this myself. Sometimes when I SET or validate my H, he tells me to shut up. He says it playfully... .but I noticed a pattern where he says that if I have heavily validated.

[ColdEthyl]

This leads me to the question; how does one live with an emotionally immature partner? How does the emotionally healthy one successfully respond to these actions/words?

"Only emotionally mature individuals can experience true empathy... .prime requirement for a successful r/s."  ----- that's a powerful statement.

It's also kind of scary. I never thought he was incapable of empathy... .but his empathy is quickly turned off and on like a switch... .or, in the example I like best, a groundhog that pops up, says hello... .sees his BPD shadow and shoots right back down into his hidey-hole.

[Notwendy]

It's interesting since I believe we marry our emotional match. If you were to ask my H, he would say he is more emotionally mature than I am ( he thinks he is). I don't think so. Could we be blind to our own ways of being emotionally immature?

I think for me it came from not having an emotionally mature role model. I was parentified- basically I was emotionally "older" than my mother by the time I was a teen and became an adult in my house. However, that means I missed some  important years of emotional growth by not being able to go through those teen years with stable parents.

[ColdEthyl]

It's interesting since I believe we marry our emotional match. If you were to ask my H, he would say he is more emotionally mature than I am ( he thinks he is). I don't think so. Could we be blind to our own ways of being emotionally immature?

I think for me it came from not having an emotionally mature role model. I was parentified- basically I was emotionally "older" than my mother by the time I was a teen and became an adult in my house. However, that means I missed some  important years of emotional growth by not being able to go through those teen years with stable parents.

Same here. I grew up fast. My parents were divorced when I was 9 and my brother was 3. We lived with my mom for a few months before she 'wanted her life back' and gave us to dad. Dad tried... .but he wasn't really 'there'. We just sort of existed. He spent his time dating, eventually married. My stepmother told us daily how much she hated us... .and here again... .she 'couldn't wait until we were 18 and out of HER house so she could have her life back"

My mother was in and out, sometimes for years at a time. When she did come back around regularly when I was 13-14, she partied and let me party with her. She was a friend more than anything... .and I realized early on I was smarter and more evolved than her.

I could go on and on... .but yeah. I hear ya Notwendy

[formflier]

Do we need to be careful not to make the "too good"... .so that we avoid invalidating them?

I wonder about this myself. Sometimes when I SET or validate my H, he tells me to shut up. He says it playfully... .but I noticed a pattern where he says that if I have heavily validated.

This is good... .I think.  How do you end it?  Do you end it playfully when he ends it?


Are you thinking he "gets the point... "? that you think he is great!

[ColdEthyl]

Do we need to be careful not to make the "too good"... .so that we avoid invalidating them?

I wonder about this myself. Sometimes when I SET or validate my H, he tells me to shut up. He says it playfully... .but I noticed a pattern where he says that if I have heavily validated.

This is good... .I think.  How do you end it?  Do you end it playfully when he ends it?


Are you thinking he "gets the point... "? that you think he is great!

I think he doesn't believe it, but I always playfully reply with "not gonna do that baby" and he smiles. It's like sometimes when I say I love you he says "I don't know why" and I usually say "I know you don't, but I do." His other favorite reply to I love you is "There's never been a doubt in my mind"

So, I think most of the time I he knows and believes I love him, but he doesn't think he deserves it. Any nice compliments I say probably feel uncomfortable. I don't think he got a lot of praise from anyone in life before. I think most of the time... .he knows I mean it, but that BPD voice in his head tells him he doesn't deserve it and he sucks.

[Grey Kitty]

So, I think most of the time I he knows and believes I love him, but he doesn't think he deserves it. Any nice compliments I say probably feel uncomfortable. I don't think he got a lot of praise from anyone in life before. I think most of the time... .he knows I mean it, but that BPD voice in his head tells him he doesn't deserve it and he sucks.

That's how a compliment can be invalidating.

If he believes deep in his heart that he is a worthless POS, you are invalidating that believe when you say that he is wonderful.

Remember--the invalidation feels horrible.

Nope, there isn't much you can do about this... .but sometimes it helps to notice it.

[ColdEthyl]

So, I think most of the time I he knows and believes I love him, but he doesn't think he deserves it. Any nice compliments I say probably feel uncomfortable. I don't think he got a lot of praise from anyone in life before. I think most of the time... .he knows I mean it, but that BPD voice in his head tells him he doesn't deserve it and he sucks.

That's how a compliment can be invalidating.

If he believes deep in his heart that he is a worthless POS, you are invalidating that believe when you say that he is wonderful.

Remember--the invalidation feels horrible.

Nope, there isn't much you can do about this... .but sometimes it helps to notice it.

That's why I say "I know you don't believe me, and that sucks. But this is how I feel... .and you can't change how I feel either." and he says "you're right" and conversation ends. (that's another thing he loves to say... .either "my feeling are my reality" or "no one can tell me how to feel! My feelings are my own!"