Divorce after 15 years of abuse

[Moselle]

Dear all.

I've been around bpdfamily for 14 months and have tried to work on this marriage for that time as a stayer.  She just finally made that impossible and filed for.divorce today. 

I'm shattered. She's been planning this and getting ready for some time. And i can see her BPD mother's handiwork involved.

I have literally been working my backside off to salvage this. And I'm shattered, confused, relieved, frustrated, angry, fearful and sad all.at once.

But I am in fighting spirit, and I want full custody of my childen. My Challenge is that she is a highly highly functioning BPD NPD manipulator.

[Panda39]

Hi Moselle,

I'm sorry... .or not sorry (which ever feels best to you... .since you're confused, I'll be confused too  ) that you find yourself moving over to the family law board.  It sounds like you tried your best and like the rest of us that divorce have hit the wall. 

Have you met with a lawyer?  Do you have an exit plan?  Do you own your house or rent?  How old are your children?  Do you have a "real life" support system that you can lean on? Do you have joint bank accounts?  Do you have copies of important documents?  Are you still living with your stbxw?  One suggestion if you want full custody don't move without your kids my SO had a tough fight for his daughters made tougher because he moved out and they stayed with mom... .many things to think about.

I know others will stop by and give you more advice and things to start thinking about.

Because divorcing someone with BPD can be high conflict I suggest you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger so you can get an idea of what you might be in for as well as ways to protect yourself.

Keep us posted and ask questions as they come up.

Wishing you well 

[Moselle]

Thanks for the welcome Panda.

I gave it everything I have, and she chewed me up and spat me out. In true BPD/NPD style. She is very very clever.  And highly functioning so she manages to keep most people on her side

I have met with a lawyer. I do not have an exit plan. What is an exit plan? 3 childen all girls, 14, 10.and 5.

I don't have a real life support system.  I have a supportive sister,  and I have about 5 or 6 finds who are people I can phone to chat.

She is threatening to leave with the children. Tomorrow will be telling. I'm not sure what I will come home to after work. I'm sure there will be many surprises in store.

[Panda39]

Preface: I'm on this site because my SO has an uBPDxw.

I did not leave someone with BPD but I did leave an alcoholic.  I planned for 3 months before I finally told him.  I investigated all kinds of things how to get divorced... .turned out in my state you could do your own for about $250 (money was an issue for us so this was good news), I looked for a place to live, talked to my credit union about getting a used car, talked with family and friends, made copies of paperwork, investigated the sale of our townhouse, started doing maintenance projects on the townhouse to sell it, started weeding out stuff I didn't need and tossing it, took my valuables to work and locked them in a file cabinet.  I also told my son what I was going to do right before I talked to his dad.

Needless to say my ex was upset... .he alternated between saying he loved me to accusing me of sleeping with our local college football team.  Really?

He also made a scene in front of the realtors when they came to meet us about the sale of the house.

And we had the drunken arguments that he tried to start... .sad to say but it was such a blessing to come home from work and find him passed out.

I think by having a plan in place I felt prepared to move and I hoped that things would move quickly because I had everything set up in advance.  I was foiled by a short sale... .had to live with my ex from when I told him I was leaving in April, through our divorce in August, through our house going under contract in November to finally closing on it in March the next year.  Yep, had to live with him for almost a year from telling him to actually leaving... .that's a whole other story!

The above quote is about my divorce from another thread.  The "bold" section was my exit plan.

It sounds like everything has just landed in your lap so you don't have the time in advance that I did but it's not to late to start working on yours.

I'm glad you've got your sister in your corner.  Do your kids know what is going on?  Are they prepared to move?  Have you had a chance to talk with them? 

If you have important documents you think you might need copies of make them tonight if you think she might leave tomorrow... .deed to the house?  banking information? pension/retirement information?... .whatever.

Think about what you might need to protect you and your children... .things you might want for court in the future.

[maxen]

i'm so so sorry moselle. it's a crushing feeling. my wife also planned for some time and is high functioning and drew others in on her plan.    

i'm glad you're in fighting spirit, please take care of yourself though, this will be a time of turmoil.

I don't have a real life support system.  I have a supportive sister,  and I have about 5 or 6 finds who are people I can phone to chat.

that's a real-life support system. i hope you will be able to lean on them now!

[Moselle]

Maxen. I'm going to throw the kitchen sink at her. She actually said "I'm divorcing you, please make it easy?" Then she went on about "I know it hurts, BUT you really need to leave the house".

Sociopathic stuff. She is completely unaware of any other human including her childen. They serve as pawns in her power game.

[livednlearned]

Hi Moselle,

Your wife may be high-functioning and clever, but you have us.    There's a lot of collective wisdom on these boards and will go a long way to help you.

You worked hard to make the marriage work, and probably learned a lot along the way. Many of the tools that you learned on the Staying board will come in handy to help minimize the conflict in your divorce. Minimize, but not eliminate, unfortunately. Bill Eddy (author of Splitting: Divorcing an NPD/BPD Spouse) writes that, "the court process has a very similar structure to the personality traits of the high conflict person."  

Before you meet with your L, try to read Splitting. Eddy was formerly a social worker, then became a family law attorney and recognized that many so-called "high-conflict" divorces were driven by someone with BPD. If you don't have time to read Splitting before your meeting, there is an excellent article here:

High-conflict Family Law Matters and Personality Disorders

Maultsby, B., Samler, K. (2013)

www.gbfamilylaw.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Beth-High-Conflict-Family-Law-Matters.pdf

If you are served papers, you'll probably get a Divorce Complaint of some type, and you'll be named the defendant. In family law court, it doesn't really matter who is the plaintiff and who is the defendant. More than likely, your wife will make false allegations of one type or another. You're in the minority here if you aren't falsely accused of something. But even in low-conflict divorces, people make all kinds of accusations. Courts are used to seeing it, and sort of expect it, especially during the early, raw stages of divorces. Take a lot of deep breaths and know that it's a little bit of theater at this stage. The judge is not likely to read the complaint or your counter-complaint. These aren't things your lawyer will tell you, is my guess. Lawyers are not therapists and don't do a whole lot of explaining about the emotional stuff. Good ones try to be careful about billable hours, so you might become a regular here as you try to make sense of what can be a very confounding and confusing system. And lucky you, we're free.  

I didn't take an assertive approach to my case at first -- I didn't know anything about BPD until a year in. But once I figured it out and became assertive, and focused on problem-solving, things started to work well.

The most important things I've learned:

1. Read Splitting

2. Document everything. Everything.

3. See a therapist during the first year if you can afford it. Longer is even better.

4. Take an assertive approach (see the PDF above), including with your lawyer.

5. Do not allow your L to agree to anything without your permission, especially continuances.

6. Make sure your L is very detailed, more so than normal, so that the legal language is clear, and there are consequences where you can include them.

7. Ask for more than you want so there is room to negotiate.

8. Many cases settle out of court, but may end up back there when/if your wife does not comply with the court order. Having a skilled mediator who understands BPD/NPD will help a lot to keep things from going to court. But be prepared to go there -- for many people, court is not a good option. For those of us who divorce BPD sufferers, court can be more fair than what our ex spouses felt entitled to. Lawyers, in general, will pressure you to settle out of court.

A lot of pwBPD tend to practice alienation tactics, sometimes even during the marriage. Alienation can get worse during divorce/custody battles. You may want to read Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak or Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex. There are some good techniques in those books, and I found it was critical to be 10 steps ahead of my ex to prevent the alienation from being effective. Your wife may tell the kids lies about you, so start talking to the kids about the difference between lying, withholding information, secrets, privacy. You don't even have to mention your wife, just bring up scenarios and help the kids learn the difference between these things so that they can begin to understand it.

I'm sorry you're about to head into this. There are a lot of awful stories out there, and while it certainly isn't a walk in the park, you're probably going to grow in ways you never imagined possible.  

Divorcing my N/BPDx was the worst thing in my life, and the best. My T said I changed generations upon generations of my family's dysfunctional script, and while painful to go through, it has been a pretty astounding journey.



Hang in there. You're not alone.

LnL

[ForeverDad]

High-conflict Family Law Matters and Personality Disorders

Maultsby, B., Samler, K. (2013)

www.gbfamilylaw.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Beth-High-Conflict-Family-Law-Matters.pdf

www.gbfamilylaw.com/blogs/high-conflict-divorces-cause/

You don't need to be the one to leave or leave by her dictates.  However, it's possible she will file asking for your removal and court may grant that, each jurisdiction is different, family court judges are given wide discretion in their rulings.  And she might find nasty ways to get you out... .

Beware, your spouse is highly likely to make false allegations, she will feel a desperate need to make you look worse than her.  You may have documentations, she will have emotionally compelling claims of victimhood, etc.  Just to be safe and to prove you're not the one misbehaving, I strongly suggest you keep a voice recorder other other recording device in your pocket or on your person at all times.  (I did and it turned out to be a good 'insurance policy'.)  Of course, don't wave it like a red flag in front of her, do it quietly for self-protection, don't trigger her to overreact.

Be aware that court will almost never call an allegation "false".  While you might get a decision it was "unfounded", generally the most you'll get is "unsubstantiated" which means no action taken either way and she still has credibility to keep making more allegations.

So be forewarned it could get nasty very fast, be sure you have proof it's not you who is misbehaving.  Some of our members have had to sit in jail for a weekend.  I never did, but I think I came very close, the officer asked me to hand our quietly sobbing preschooler over to his mother and 'step away' but he shrieked and clung ever tighter to me.  I really believe my son saved me that day.

Also, if your paycheck is deposited into a joint account, change that to go into a personal account she can't drain.  You can still pay bills but at least you will have control of it.  You wouldn't believe how many pwBPD who drain all the money and then stonewall about it.  And so much of the time court lets them get away with it and settlements often ignore it since it's so hard to get it back.

[SlyQQ]

An immediate realistic assesment of how far an fast your ex will go err on the side of pessimism and make your plans accordingly ( e,g. buy a video camera negotiate mutaely agreed safe areas within the house until things are settled and negotiate a stus quo with the children until you have a clear agreed path get a third party ( nuteral mutually agreed to negotiate this but who may back u up in court if neccasary ) to help and keep your head down

[Panda39]

 

I would really encourage you to visit the law board, where we have many veterans of breakups with pwBPD who might better help you prepare for what lies ahead.  In the meantime I am posting a copy of my little list, which was cobbled together with suggestions from other on this board as well as couple other forums.  I would encourage you to read it and least be open to considering acting on some of the suggestions.

1) Get a therapist for yourself.  Not a marriage counselor, but someone whose job is to help you get your head on straight in this incredibly stressful time. 

2) Get an experienced divorce/family law attorney.  This is also not a job for new attorney. If you interview an attorney and he or she says they always settle and you will not need to go to court, that is not the attorney for you.

3) Be prepared for the false restraining order.  This is a very common reaction from the BPD playbook. 

4) Get a digital audio recorder or two.  You should never be around your stbx without a recorder running. 

5) Don’t be afraid to tell family and friends.  Too often we try to hide what is happening in our relationship from a sense of embarrassment, pride or fear.   

6) Have an emergency escape plan.  This often dovetails with beginning to reach out to family and friends.   In many states if there is a domestic violence complaint, one of the parties is leaving the house for the night.  Even if you are innocent it could be you. 

7) Videotape the house.  There is a very real possibility that your stbx will lock you out/ destroy things/ sell things, etc

8) Document, document, document - If you have kids, you are likely their best connection both to reality and stability in the chaos of the BPD.  Once of the best tools at your disposal costs nothing but a bit of your time.  A simple journal of what you do for your kids each day.  If you can add pictures and mementos, even better. 

9) Don’t take legal advice from your stbx.  You may find yourself at the end of a stream of threats from your stbx about what the courts are going to do when they report all your transgressions.   Tune it out. 

10) Don’t expect the process to be cheap or fast.  Remember that pwBPD usually feel very entitled and in fact if you quiz them they often have a very distorted sense of what it really costs to live. 

11) Take action to separate your finances.  Redirect your pay into an account into which only you have access.  Cut off joint credit cards.  This does not mean stop paying the bills, it simply means you control how they are paid.

12) Avoid face to face or telephone communications whenever possible.  pwBPD live for the conflict of these and you have no documentation of what was said.  Email is always preferable.

13) Practice radio silence.  You communicate only about what issues are essential to get through the day, such as kid’s schedules, etc.  Your job is not to look out for your stbx.  Preferably via email.

14) Make copies of all important documents you may need and store them in a secure off-site location.

15) Do not expect a neutral playing field when dealing with custody evaluators, guardian at litem, friend of the court, etc.  Do not get drawn into bashing your stbx.  The goal is to show how involved you are with your kids. 

16) Don’t be in hurry, especially with a high functioning BPD.  Time provides a chance for you to document your pwBPD unstable behaviors, which they might hide over a short term.  The goal is not to have them diagnosed, but simply to show patterns of behavior.

Best of luck

The above (awesome) list was posted by Ugghh on another thread I was on awhile back I thought you might find it helpful (some items have already been suggested)

[jedimaster]

I would really encourage you to visit the law board, where we have many veterans of breakups with pwBPD who might better help you prepare for what lies ahead.  In the meantime I am posting a copy of my little list, which was cobbled together with suggestions from other on this board as well as couple other forums.  I would encourage you to read it and least be open to considering acting on some of the suggestions.

1) Get a therapist for yourself.  Not a marriage counselor, but someone whose job is to help you get your head on straight in this incredibly stressful time. 

2) Get an experienced divorce/family law attorney.  This is also not a job for new attorney. If you interview an attorney and he or she says they always settle and you will not need to go to court, that is not the attorney for you.

3) Be prepared for the false restraining order.  This is a very common reaction from the BPD playbook. 

4) Get a digital audio recorder or two.  You should never be around your stbx without a recorder running. 

5) Don’t be afraid to tell family and friends.  Too often we try to hide what is happening in our relationship from a sense of embarrassment, pride or fear.   

6) Have an emergency escape plan.  This often dovetails with beginning to reach out to family and friends.   In many states if there is a domestic violence complaint, one of the parties is leaving the house for the night.  Even if you are innocent it could be you. 

7) Videotape the house.  There is a very real possibility that your stbx will lock you out/ destroy things/ sell things, etc

8) Document, document, document - If you have kids, you are likely their best connection both to reality and stability in the chaos of the BPD.  Once of the best tools at your disposal costs nothing but a bit of your time.  A simple journal of what you do for your kids each day.  If you can add pictures and mementos, even better. 

9) Don’t take legal advice from your stbx.  You may find yourself at the end of a stream of threats from your stbx about what the courts are going to do when they report all your transgressions.   Tune it out. 

10) Don’t expect the process to be cheap or fast.  Remember that pwBPD usually feel very entitled and in fact if you quiz them they often have a very distorted sense of what it really costs to live. 

11) Take action to separate your finances.  Redirect your pay into an account into which only you have access.  Cut off joint credit cards.  This does not mean stop paying the bills, it simply means you control how they are paid.

12) Avoid face to face or telephone communications whenever possible.  pwBPD live for the conflict of these and you have no documentation of what was said.  Email is always preferable.

13) Practice radio silence.  You communicate only about what issues are essential to get through the day, such as kid’s schedules, etc.  Your job is not to look out for your stbx.  Preferably via email.

14) Make copies of all important documents you may need and store them in a secure off-site location.

15) Do not expect a neutral playing field when dealing with custody evaluators, guardian at litem, friend of the court, etc.  Do not get drawn into bashing your stbx.  The goal is to show how involved you are with your kids. 

16) Don’t be in hurry, especially with a high functioning BPD.  Time provides a chance for you to document your pwBPD unstable behaviors, which they might hide over a short term.  The goal is not to have them diagnosed, but simply to show patterns of behavior.

Best of luck

The above (awesome) list was posted by Ugghh on another thread I was on awhile back I thought you might find it helpful (some items have already been suggested)

One additional item--if you own firearms, remove them from the premises.  I was about to go to sleep last night and was thinking through some of these same to-do's in this list above, when it occurred to me we own a gun, stashed away in a closet.  I made a mental note to make sure it is discreetly removed from the house and locked away in my father's gun safe before there is any hint of plans or thoughts of divorce.

This morning I found out that about the same time last night, my mother was on the phone with my sister, discussing me.  My sister said, "Tell him if he owns a gun to get it out of the house ASAP, before she has time to suspect anything!"  Premonition?  Great minds thinking alike?  Guardian angels?   

[maxen]

in addition to all the readings above, a short piece you can hand your lawyer is our own:

bpdfamily.com About Personality Disorders and the Family Courts

[Jeansok]

I feel your pain, my BPD husband told me you wanted a divorce Saturday night he's been very secret about everything the past 6 weeks won't communicate with me on what he's doing he's been without a job stays away all day I have no idea this is the third time this week he hasn't been home and we have a two and a half year old child. To make matters worse he's trying to build up some ridiculous case that I'm an alcoholic, stupid like he's convincing himself I've got some issue when he is the one with the issue and I have documented just about all of the mental and physical abuse that he's placed on me and he has the audacity to want to end things when I've put up with all of this? Yeah I totally understand and I am completely at a loss myself I just started looking at this part of the site I joined about a year and a half ago when I was desperate for answers on what was even going on with my husband's behavior

I have had a mixture of feeling completely shattered and devastated myself to completely angry! I completely understand how you feel and I'm so thankful I found this site!

[Moselle]

Hey Jeansok.  Sorry to hear we're both in this predicament. I think what happened to me was that I started to say "no" to the abuse and control. After while we began detaching and then as she tried to wield control she realise that I won't be controlled any more. That's when she finally pulled the trigger. I was no longer the punchbag. I have grown so much through this.

The good news is that we have gone too far to recover the marriage. Ther have been 4 applications to the court, and some ugly stuff, so I will be out of mine. When is a different story. She's playing push pull about mediation. She schedules then cancels blah blah. I'm not sure if she's doing it to piss me off or its just too overwhelming for her to know it's finally over.

I feel sorry for.her in some ways. Not many ways but some LOL. It must be quite daunting to face the world with three kids.  She's preventing access BTW. So be it. Time to enjoy some me time. The girls will.eventually come back.

[ForeverDad]

She's preventing access BTW. So be it. Time to enjoy some me time.

Predictable.  If the marriage is ending then someone must be to blame and in her distorted perceptions you're the obvious 'perp' to blame.  Partly too, she has to make you seem worse than her.  Hence the blocking and supporting "unsubstantiated" allegations.

The girls will.eventually come back.

But you can't wait on your spouse's timetable.  The children need you in their lives.  Your spouse sees herself as The Authority.  It's up to you to be proactive and have court step up and show that the court, though typically passive and slow, is The Real Authority.

[livednlearned]

She's preventing access BTW. So be it. Time to enjoy some me time. The girls will.eventually come back.

This is probably a thought/feeling you want to keep close to your chest, however true it may be.

Everyone has a different experience and I don't mean to overstep and assume your situation is similar to mine, but as I healed, my own emotional health changed very dramatically. I saw the dysfunction more clearly, even though I thought I was fairly aware (thanks therapy). When I started to heal, I began to notice more how much my son was, and had been struggling.

The courts care about the kids. That's the number one priority. Even when you're dealing with other parts of the dissolution of your marriage, what the courts care about is your kids. Everything you do is seen through that filter.