Question about NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everybody,

I went NC with my exgf about 150 days ago, I had to break strict NC because I had to move out and to put our finances in order in the first weeks after our break-up. I started NC without telling her that I will not contact her ever again. I didn't knew about BPD and Cluster-B-Disorders when I initiated NC - I was still in the "I want my exgf back"-stage at that time and started NC to heal myself and give her the chance to miss me. After I found out about BPD my NC-agenda changed. I stay NC because I want her to stay out of my life, not to win her back.

Since my ex and me never talked about NC it is possible, that she will "break NC" some day. I'm not sure, how to react, when she contacts me. Is it better to ignore her or is it better to break NC to tell her that I decided to go NC and want to stay NC?

[Maternus]

Hi everybody,

I went NC with my exgf about 150 days ago, I had to break strict NC because I had to move out and to put our finances in order in the first weeks after our break-up. I started NC without telling her that I will not contact her ever again. I didn't knew about BPD and Cluster-B-Disorders when I initiated NC - I was still in the "I want my exgf back"-stage at that time and started NC to heal myself and give her the chance to miss me. After I found out about BPD my NC-agenda changed. I stay NC because I want her to stay out of my life, not to win her back.

Since my ex and me never talked about NC it is possible, that she will "break NC" some day. I'm not sure, how to react, when she contacts me. Is it better to ignore her or is it better to break NC to tell her that I decided to go NC and want to stay NC?

[Tim300]

I can relate to your story well.

Also, I have wondered about your exact question as well.  It seems like 95% of sources online push for strict NC (assuming you don't have kids together).  By you responding at all you are at least being temporarily LC.  I have pondered, as have some others on the Internet, whether some LC might be the safest option at times.  Every situation is different, and there is no predicting BPD behavior, however, I can comprehend a situation where it might be safest to go as far as saying something to the effect of "I am sorry but I need some time apart.  I am still hurt and just need some space.  I hope you understand. [blah, blah, blah]."  Strict NC could drive some of these BPD control freaks nuts in a dangerous way, but by pitching your position as you being hurt and not good enough for her, you might give her just enough power and control to keep her satiated and at a distance.  Of course if she keeps following up after this you might just need to ignore her completely -- but at least she'll have an ego-boosting explanation for your NC.

If my pwBPD contacts me directly I plan to respond fairly quickly and say that I need a week to get back to her with a more complete response.  This will give me time to ponder the scenario as it arises.  More importantly, it will give her time to cycle through whatever mental state she's in.  Keep in mind, we are dealing with people whose objectives can rapidly change, so by just keeping her at bay for a week you have created a situation where she can cling onto someone else or even forget why it was that she contacted you.

If mine contacting me directly in a dysregulated state and I was just complete NC, I fear that she'd be capable of doing just about anything to hurt me (and who knows, maybe hurt herself as well).  

[fromheeltoheal]

It's better to focus on your own emotional healing, and then if she does contact you, tell her the truth.  The upside of contact will be you'll get immediate feedback on how well you're doing in your own detachment by seeing what kind of emotional reaction, or not, you get from her contact attempt; if it doesn't phase you at all you're doing well, and if you do get rattled you can use the experience to change what you're doing and move to the next level, whatever that is, you won't know until you get there.  Take care of you!