emotional incest mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

hi its my first time posting, my mother seems to fit the description for emotional incest and i as "the chosen child" even though to an extent she tried to use all of my siblings as substitutes for her void (my parents were divorced since we were all young). i just think i was the most soft and sensitive of the lot, and the most willing to comfort her and listen to her or give her massages, play with her hair...    , disgusting now that i think of it. she was a good mother in a way which makes it really confusing. like she took very good care of us physically, bought us gifts, paid for our summer camps etc. but it was as if it was all to prove to herself that she is a good mother, and expecting praise and appreciation for it, like she'd always tel us how much everything costed her and how difficult it is for her to have done it. she still does it now that im an adult and i suffer from severe depression, no self-worth, constant self-critism, self-hate etc. etc. this is my first time ever posting on any forum about borderline mothers. i only realized that i may be damaged from her recently in therapy.

[bgb]

hi its my first time posting, my mother seems to fit the description for emotional incest and i as "the chosen child" even though to an extent she tried to use all of my siblings as substitutes for her void (my parents were divorced since we were all young). i just think i was the most soft and sensitive of the lot, and the most willing to comfort her and listen to her or give her massages, play with her hair...    , disgusting now that i think of it. she was a good mother in a way which makes it really confusing. like she took very good care of us physically, bought us gifts, paid for our summer camps etc. but it was as if it was all to prove to herself that she is a good mother, and expecting praise and appreciation for it, like she'd always tel us how much everything costed her and how difficult it is for her to have done it. she still does it now that im an adult and i suffer from severe depression, no self-worth, constant self-critism, self-hate etc. etc. this is my first time ever posting on any forum about borderline mothers. i only realized that i may be damaged from her recently in therapy.

[Harri]

Hi bgb and welcome.  I understand when you say it was confusing because while your mother has BPD she also had some good qualities. There are some things my mother was very good at but in other ways she was horrible. The contrast between the behaviors *is* confusing.  when coupled with a self-serving attitude of "look at what a good mother I am" it, to me, takes on a manipulative tone. Even if that is not the underlying intent it certainly can feel that way and, for me, makes it harder if not impossible to trust and feel safe with a parent. 

... .and i suffer from severe depression, no self-worth, constant self-critism, self-hate etc. etc.

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with these issues.  You are not alone though.  I'm not sure if that helps, but please know there are many here who can relate and who have also experienced emotional incest and the devastating effects it can have.  I am glad you are in therapy and that found this place and posted.  We can offer support and understanding as you work things through so keep reading and posting as you feel the need. 

[Turkish]

Hello bgb,.I'd like to join Harri in welcoming you here.

I'm sorry that your mother did and said those things, but it's good that you are working them out with a professional. Do you think that your feelings of self hate came from her splitting you? My mom took so much pride in what a great son people told her I was. She would often tell me. Other times, it was, "everyone thinks you are so great, but they don't know the real Turkish like I do!" Or, "Sometimes I wish I'd never adopted you!" Smacking me around or throwing sometimes heavy objects at me was the norm in my early teen years... .well, the smacking around was there even when I was pretty young.

I hope that you keep posting to tell us more of your story, bgb. It takes courage to reach out for support, and that is a virtue 

Take Care,

Turkish

[Finding Courage]

When I first discovered the term emotional incest, everything finally made sense.  It is so hard to make sense when on one hand my mom did the basics (food, no physical abuse), but for me emotional incest is almost as damaging as sexual abuse.  Because it is an adult using a child for their own needs without consideration of the impact.  I now see that I have a version of ptsd that needs treating.  Good luck to you in your journey.  You aren't alone.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi bgb,

I have seen my SD be the "chosen child."  It is harder for others to see how damaging this is to her, because after all, isn't she just being adored and treated very well?  (Not) I think being " chosen" has such unique issues to overcome.

Some of what I see for SD is:

Inability to have her own opinion

Inabitiy to separate from mom as she feels responsible for moms emotion

Inability to think for herself to make decisions

Difficulty knowing how she truly feels as she has always aligned her feelings with mom

Perusing activities that make mom look good

I think this is a hard thing to recognize for many, especially being the chosen one. I hate how the people around her think this incest is normal, they don't see it, it is so hard for others to recognize, which will make it so difficult for SD to ever figure out what the heck is going on.

I'm glad that you found someone that is able to see this and able to support you!  Good for you!

[Harri]

   Turkish!  Sheesh, this brought me back:

Other times, it was, "everyone thinks you are so great, but they don't know the real Turkish like I do!"

I heard that frequently too.  Later on in my later teens and twenties it would be said in the context of dating and how she was morally bound to tell any dates what kind of person I really was.  Not too surprising that I further shut myself off from other people is it?  She would say things about me to the few friends I did have so of course she would tell any guy who might be interested in me too.  This:  

"Sometimes I wish I'd never adopted you!"

makes me so angry, along with plenty of other things in your history.  

Sunflower, I agree that so many people, Non parents especially seem to believe that the favored child is not being abused.  I also agree that it makes it much more difficult to identify these experiences as abusive.  I was mostly split black but my mother would alternate splitting my brother and I.  While being split white was a bit more comfortable one of the worst parts was knowing it could change in an instant.  Couple that with directly seeing and knowing exactly what would happen when split black, my efforts to please and maintain the golden/white status involved shutting myself down and I did some pretty demeaning things in an attempt to maintain that status.  So when golden/white, I had a very limited sense of who I was and who I was was mainly defined by what my mother would tell me when I was painted black (I was evil, unlovable, rotten, etc).

I have felt the urge to start a crusade on this particular aspect of being a child of a BPD for the last several weeks... .but perhaps I will just start a thread on it.  

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi. Harri!

I have felt the urge to start a crusade on this particular aspect of being a child of a BPD for the last several weeks... .but perhaps I will just start a thread on it.   

I'd love to hear your thoughts on it!  You have an easy way that you express yourself that is enjoyable to read.

I felt traumatized in my r/s with my uBPDexbf because he and his uBPDexw both painted their D, the all white golden child, whose sole purpose was to be a tool for her parents' narcissistic supply.  They competed on putting her on a higher and higher pedestal, as though the higher D's pedestal was, the higher each parents' self worth was in comparison to the other.  It was an unending competition for her love that completely neglected her value as a human being. 

Have you ever seen "Irreconcilable Differences?"  There is a speech by young Drew Barrymore where she precociously explains that BOTH her parents treat her like a puppy.  They want to play with her when it is convenient for them.  Then they discard her when uninterested.  She states that she rather live with the maid who actually shows care and love for her the way a person should.  It still make me want to cry remembering that scene.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DwX6B_xlPh0

I was constantly trying to redirect the interactions of dad and D r/s to something more healthy.  Something supportive of her maturing into her own person.  Trying to help her identify her own feelings and needs vs just pleasing mom and dad. Sadly to say, I quickly learned that when dealing with my SD, it was easier to teach "Healthy" to her, than to teach "Healthy" to my uBPDexbf.  Sad because he cut my contact with her.

Traumatic because it was painful to watch what nobody else could validate or see, and it left me feeling utterly helpless, and like a defenseless child myself. 

My efforts for this brought emotional abuse upon me as I was seen as a demon to her dad for my attempts to help SD individuate. 

Back to your quote  Harri:

I have felt the urge to start a crusade on this particular aspect of being a child of a BPD for the last several weeks... .but perhaps I will just start a thread on it. 

I feel this is a worthwhile topic to shed light on.  So many victims of emotional incest may never know what this means, may never identify this as dysfunctional, may feel guilty to even complain especially if their siblings got "bad" treatment in comparison.  I feel it is a most insidious, deceptive form of abuse and brain washing that needs greater awareness.