She wants to have a talk tonight - how honest should I be?

My uBPD wife wants to have a state of the relationship talk tonight. I was unfaithful recently and have been working to rebuild her comfort and trust. She told me she needs to know where I stand on things so she can assess how to move forward. Which sounds reasonable and fair enough were it coming from a normal person where I don't have to second guess everything.

We have some longstanding issues and I am just wondering how I can talk about these in the context of this discussion. I am really thinking she will never change, so I don't know how triggering it will be for me to just lay some of these things out there. Such as, I have been the sole financial support for our entire 10 year marriage and I am tired of it. She makes excuse after excuse, year after year, and I believe that she will remain nothing but a burden to me as long as we are together.

She made one final promise to look for work last september and immediately because sick afterwards - it has been one thing after another for her health since then. Do I just honestly tell her that I don't believe her promise to start contributing financially and that I'm reaching my limit of what I'm willing to live with?

She has a myriad of emotional issues and refuses to get counseling. Last night there was a spark of hope, she said that she needs to find someone to talk to because I was no help to her providing support to her feelings and being an emotional sounding board. I told her I would help to my best ability but I think it would make sense and be helpful if she did talk to someone professionally. Then she immediately batted that away saying that nothing could help her.

Do I tell her for the umpteenth time that I believe she needs to get into some sort of counseling? I don't believe in making this an ultimatum because how productive would therapy under duress be? But something really needs to happen for her. She has been stagnant since I have known her, and now learning about BPD I see tons of red flags from the time we first met and also hearing about her past relationships. I am a classic co-dependent and she caught me hook, line and sinker.

I honestly feel like none of this is worth getting into with her because I may as well be talking to a wall. But she really wants to know where I stand supposedly, but then this will just turn into her getting defensive, attacking me personally and trying to bait me into justifying myself and starting an argument.

Now that I think about it, this request for a 'talk' is starting to feel like a trap she is setting - she has been extremely upset - so she is going to try to stir up some trouble to give herself and emotional outlet for these feelings.



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