Will he find himself whether I'm here or not?

[chillilintroller]

(Not married, no kids)

Background:

I always knew certain things weren't right and things didn't all match up, then he got diagnosed with BPD when he was getting help for his schizophrenia not too long ago. So I talked to an ex of his, who told me everything from her side, which turned out to be the truth

I confronted him, he denied everything, he only caved when I showed him hard evidence and then told me "everything"

And I thought he did, he told me more than I even asked about, stuff even his ex had no idea about

For the first time ever, he'd been caught out

I said I was willing to stay with him even though all these lies were there, because they were from his traumatic childhood, not him

He decided he'd be honest with me from then on

Leaving:

But the day after I found out a teeny tiny lie he'd told after telling me he'd be honest

I expected this after reading a lot but he realised he couldn't control himself because he didn't want me to leave

I was told I should have stayed and accepted he would lie until he at least got through at leastsome treatment.

But I didn't want him to lie anymore, I realised something because of this site, and told him this and he agreed, he's lying to me because he's scared of me leaving, if I leave, he won't lie to me, he won't have a threat or danger of me leaving

So me leaving was good? It removed the fear from him I think

So I have left the relationship but am still talking to him so that he has the support to change.

He's willing to get help and I am supporting him for the ride, I want him to find himself, to be able to stop lying, to be happy in who he is and then be capable of a happy life

For his sake, for mine, and mainly to prevent him making anybody feel as low as I do now

Willing to get help:

He told me sometimes he didn't believe I could love him because of how low he sees himself, but that there were times where he believed he was loved and could love me back

He's willing to get help and willing to find himself, he's got the time and resources and doesn't want to turn into a worse person that he's fully aware do exist

Going back?

I want to make sure he does get help

And I'm worried that if I go back to him, he'll lie to keep me again. I do want to go back to him, because we did enjoy ourselves and he is not as severe in that he never once abused me physically or verbally, all his BPD did was make him lie and act as a chameleon to get people to like him.

I'm worried that if I tell him I want to be with the person underneath the chameleon layer, he'll only get the help to impress me, and he won't be able to find his true self because he'll want to lie again in order to keep me

I will no doubt love whoever he really is, maybe he doesn't enjoy exactly the same things I do, I don't mind that

I do love the real bits of him I saw, the good qualities you can't fake, being good with kids, laughing, being goofy and gross and see him laugh so much he couldn't breath, doing anything to make his mum proud.

And I am willing to see if I love whoever he is underneath his false self

I'm just worried that if I say this, he won't be able to be honest about himself in fear of me leaving

How I can show him that I won't leave no matter what he becomes, as long as he is honest once he starts getting help?

He's willing to get help with or without me romantically, so will he be honest with himself and to his therapist (once he starts) with or without me there? Or do I have to leave?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey chilli, this may sound harsh, but in my view the best plan is to go your separate ways and then re-evaluate when and if he gets help.  Waiting around for a pwBPD to take responsibility for his/her issues is a thankless vigil.  In my experience, those w/BPD are quite reluctant to undertake therapy in a serious, dedicated way, and usually drop out after a few visits.  It's frustrating to watch, believe me, particularly when it happens again and again.  Inevitably, the pwBPD comes up with some reason why the T is unsatisfactory and then you're back to square one, until the cycle repeats again.

LuckyJim