Ughh, so frustrated... Took the bait

[downnout98]

I am so frustrated with myself because I took the bait and it all ended in pain. I thought I was doing so well until she sent me a text this morning saying how she was thinking of me. That she had a dream about getting married and it was with me. This was odd because she replaced me about two months ago and doesn't contact me during the weekends because they are always together since they hooked up.

She was saying that this was so hard and that she can't stand it. Then she face times me and like a dummy I accept. Of course I melt as soon as I see her. Looking so beautiful. All my strength left me. She said she was on her way to church and that she was by herself this morning. She decided not to go with her new bf to his baseball game, but she couldn't talk long.

She said she didn't understand how it got to be this way between us. (She forgets how she kicked me out of the house and yes I stayed away because I was tired of the recycles). She then said that maybe this was better, because there was no more drama.  That she doesn't like drama. (She also forgets how she created so much of the drama between us) I guess she is implying that there is no drama with this new guy. Maybe he is a bigger doormat than I was. She said that she is happy but then she is not.

I told her that I couldn't understand her mind. She said that in her mind and in her heart she is trying but can't let me go. She can't get over me. But she can't be with me either. She wanted me to meet her at church but I couldn't because I was across town. She then said that after church, she was going to meet with her guy and his friends and wouldn't be able to talk.

This whole encounter completely screwed up my day. It was as if she was breaking up with me again. I should never have answered. Why did I even have hope? Why do I even want her back? This feeling is so terrible. She is so good at triangulating me. She did it almost every time we broke up. But the times before, the guys she was seeing must have been normal or caught on to her ways because they never amounted to much and they didn't give her the attention she was seeking.  The fact that the r/s with this guy has escalated so fast and so deeply, makes me wonder what is really happening.

Is she trying hard to stay in a r/s for the sake of being in one? Was I really the problem? Maybe this guy has issues? I am sure she is using the same techniques on him as she did with me to hook me. Sucks to think about those because it means the love bombing, great sex all the time, making him feel on top of the world.

I should never have answered.

[Left broken and confused]

I feel your pain because I am in the same place as you. You are not alone. Every time her calls or text I answer. I have even been with him twice. I can't seem to break the cycle of hurting myself by talking to him and looking at him new gf facebook. I feel all the feelings you do maybe she is better for, maybe it was me etc. I just wish I could wake up and the whole 4 years with him was nothing more then a dream. 

[downnout98]

I feel your pain because I am in the same place as you. You are not alone. Every time her calls or text I answer. I have even been with him twice. I can't seem to break the cycle of hurting myself by talking to him and looking at him new gf facebook. I feel all the feelings you do maybe she is better for, maybe it was me etc. I just wish I could wake up and the whole 4 years with him was nothing more then a dream. 

That is what I don't understand about them. I was with her for three years and fought through all the crap and stood by her during the recycles. It's as if none of it meant anything anymore. Replaced so easily hurts so much.

[AwakenedOne]

Was I really the problem?

Maybe he is a bigger doormat than I was.

She is the problem. I'd imagine you have faults though like all other normal human beings do on the earth. These BPD relationships expire like spoiled milk does. Your shelf life to her expired now and she is wondering whether she will drink some milk still or just keep it in the fridge for safekeeping with no intention of drinking it. My advice is don't talk to her. Read back what you wrote. Isn't she j@rking you around? Be easy on yourself though. You loved or love her and it's understandable falling for her games or bs. I loved my ex also with all my heart. Thing though to do now is learn from this experience? Is your destiny to be a doormat to her? My BPD exwife door-matted me.  If she attempts to speak to me ever again I will never acknowledge her presence. I'd rather have nobody than have her. Hang in there man. I hope you have some peace to gather your thoughts and however you proceed good luck to you.

[Left broken and confused]

I agree that's what hurts the worst. For 4 years I heard how much he loved me, could never get over me if we broke up and how upset he was when we fought and didn't talk for long periods of time. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and how I was not only his heart but also his sole blah blah I could go on forever. I'm sure he is telling my replacement the same things now. She is 10 years older then him and has money which he doesn't so now she is supporting him I'm sure. They seem to be out drinking every night but he never drank with me. All hurts so much and I can't figure out why I can't get over it

[ShadowIntheNight]

I feel your pain because I am in the same place as you. You are not alone. Every time her calls or text I answer. I have even been with him twice. I can't seem to break the cycle of hurting myself by talking to him and looking at him new gf facebook. I feel all the feelings you do maybe she is better for, maybe it was me etc. I just wish I could wake up and the whole 4 years with him was nothing more then a dream. 

That is what I don't understand about them. I was with her for three years and fought through all the crap and stood by her during the recycles. It's as if none of it meant anything anymore. Replaced so easily hurts so much.

Down, I understand how you feel. I was with my uBPDexgf for 9.5 yrs. It's like every time we got to a point where we could finally have smooth sailing, i.e. No deaths, no jobs to find, no custody battles, she ups and says she has to leave. I too stood with her thru the push/pull recycles and I too did the convincing that we could work things thru. Until the last one this past August, on my birthday, when she sends me a typed note included in her card to me. "me and the kids are going down a new path. You've been a good friend."

A good friend. After 9.5 years. I tell you my friends never got from me all that she did! And to boot, the final hearing for a 2.5 year custody battle was finally heard last March. By the time the document was signed, I was informed via a group text that it was finally finished. I who had helped pay the retainer for her atty, who had helped her financially so she could keep a lawyer for 2.5 yrs, who took time away from persuing financial opportunities for myself and her so that I could review documents and do research on her state's custody laws so that she could have the best info possible for her and her kids benefit, I who listened to every rageful moment that she spoke about her exH. I get a group text because by this time, after 9.5 yrs, she won't even speak to me on the phone. I had a replacement at that point, just didn't know it. And when I confront her via text about the signing and why haven't I heard from her, she gives me some lameass excuse and has the gall to tell me she has to send thank you notes to her kid's teachers for being patient with the kid this year. Do you think she ever told me thanks? She did before I was painted black. And then suddenly I was of no consequence for the last 2.5 yrs and everything I did was because I was a good friend. Please... .

I feel your pain deeply. I confess to crying about mine again tonight. Ill or not, I cannot wrap my mind around someone treating another so cruelly. They deserve to be in Dante's 7th level of Hell. I'm sorry you've had to go through this today.

[raisins3142]

It might be easy to be unsympathetic toward a replacement (not sure if you are or not), but just consider things from his end.

She is basically emotionally betraying him by secretly keeping in touch with you as she is, and you are being slightly enabling in this perhaps.

She might be beautiful and made you happy, but she knows what she is doing.  She knows it is wrong because otherwise she would not be sneaky about it.  I won't call her a bad person, but she is acting badly.

That would help me to get over her and not want to talk to her: realize how she acts over and over, and what you do over and over kinda defines who you are.

Imagine that perhaps she was pulling these shenanigans behind your back. 

[Loosestrife]

I'm sorry you are going through this. My exBPD has said I am the trigger but wants to stay in contact. I never know if I'm in a relationship or not as we don't see each other for weeks at a time and when I finally tell myself I'm walking away my ex suddenly starts taliking like we are in a relationship. Meanwhile I feel like an unpaid telephone counsellor, but at the same time I can't seem to let go. I think if I was replaced and there was a third party involved that would be the final straw. There are a lot of articles on addiction and BPDs being like drugs. I feel for you. If you can go NC its probably best, that's what most people advise. But it's easier said than done and I still haven't managed it yet. 

[downnout98]

She is repeating her history, and here I was wondering if things woul be different with her replacement. She is back to cheating. Just sucks that I was to be her husband and now have been reduced to the other guy.

My goal is to go N/C today.

[Infared]

I am so frustrated with myself because I took the bait and it all ended in pain. I thought I was doing so well until she sent me a text this morning saying how she was thinking of me. That she had a dream about getting married and it was with me. This was odd because she replaced me about two months ago and doesn't contact me during the weekends because they are always together since they hooked up.

She was saying that this was so hard and that she can't stand it. Then she face times me and like a dummy I accept. Of course I melt as soon as I see her. Looking so beautiful. All my strength left me. She said she was on her way to church and that she was by herself this morning. She decided not to go with her new bf to his baseball game, but she couldn't talk long.

She said she didn't understand how it got to be this way between us. (She forgets how she kicked me out of the house and yes I stayed away because I was tired of the recycles). She then said that maybe this was better, because there was no more drama.  That she doesn't like drama. (She also forgets how she created so much of the drama between us) I guess she is implying that there is no drama with this new guy. Maybe he is a bigger doormat than I was. She said that she is happy but then she is not.

I told her that I couldn't understand her mind. She said that in her mind and in her heart she is trying but can't let me go. She can't get over me. But she can't be with me either. She wanted me to meet her at church but I couldn't because I was across town. She then said that after church, she was going to meet with her guy and his friends and wouldn't be able to talk.

This whole encounter completely screwed up my day. It was as if she was breaking up with me again. I should never have answered. Why did I even have hope? Why do I even want her back? This feeling is so terrible. She is so good at triangulating me. She did it almost every time we broke up. But the times before, the guys she was seeing must have been normal or caught on to her ways because they never amounted to much and they didn't give her the attention she was seeking.  The fact that the r/s with this guy has escalated so fast and so deeply, makes me wonder what is really happening.

Is she trying hard to stay in a r/s for the sake of being in one? Was I really the problem? Maybe this guy has issues? I am sure she is using the same techniques on him as she did with me to hook me. Sucks to think about those because it means the love bombing, great sex all the time, making him feel on top of the world.

I should never have answered.

WOW... .it doesn't get much more self-centered than that.  I changed my phone number, and blocked everything.   I was in a lot of pain (mine ran off with new supply and like you thought she could just contact me whenever she wanted?... as long as I accepted it, guess what, she could!).  I got to a point where I just could not take on that immature, selfish abuse. They cannot be alone for a minute... so you filled in his spot until he was back. Nice, huh.  That phone call was all about making her feel better for the way she has treated you.   I understand how you feel... I KNOW how painful it is for you right now, but how many times do you need to allow her to treat you that way?

It sucks... but you can certainly put an end to it.  Make the choice to love you!      ... .she does not.

"Taking the bait" is the perfect description.  They play our good hearts... .:-(

[Infared]

It might be easy to be unsympathetic toward a replacement (not sure if you are or not), but just consider things from his end.

She is basically emotionally betraying him by secretly keeping in touch with you as she is, and you are being slightly enabling in this perhaps.

She might be beautiful and made you happy, but she knows what she is doing.  She knows it is wrong because otherwise she would not be sneaky about it.  I won't call her a bad person, but she is acting badly.

That would help me to get over her and not want to talk to her: realize how she acts over and over, and what you do over and over kinda defines who you are.

Imagine that perhaps she was pulling these shenanigans behind your back. 

+100

[downnout98]

WOW... .it doesn't get much more self-centered than that.  I changed my phone number, and blocked everything.   I was in a lot of pain (mine ran off with new supply and like you thought she could just contact me whenever she wanted?... as long as I accepted it, guess what, she could!).  I got to a point where I just could not take on that immature, selfish abuse. They cannot be alone for a minute... so you filled in his spot until he was back. Nice, huh.  That phone call was all about making her feel better for the way she has treated you.   I understand how you feel... I KNOW how painful it is for you right now, but how many times do you need to allow her to treat you that way?

It sucks... but you can certainly put an end to it.  Make the choice to love you!      ... .she does not.

"Taking the bait" is the perfect description.  They play our good hearts... .:-(

No kidding, what was I thinking? I can be so strong at times, but when she sent me that message and called, I completely fell apart. I read some of the letters I wrote to myself recently. The common thread was her being so self-centered. I know this but still fall for it. Ughhhh

[Infared]

WOW... .it doesn't get much more self-centered than that.  I changed my phone number, and blocked everything.   I was in a lot of pain (mine ran off with new supply and like you thought she could just contact me whenever she wanted?... as long as I accepted it, guess what, she could!).  I got to a point where I just could not take on that immature, selfish abuse. They cannot be alone for a minute... so you filled in his spot until he was back. Nice, huh.  That phone call was all about making her feel better for the way she has treated you.   I understand how you feel... I KNOW how painful it is for you right now, but how many times do you need to allow her to treat you that way?

It sucks... but you can certainly put an end to it.  Make the choice to love you!      ... .she does not.

"Taking the bait" is the perfect description.  They play our good hearts... .:-(

No kidding, what was I thinking? I can be so strong at times, but when she sent me that message and called, I completely fell apart. I read some of the letters I wrote to myself recently. The common thread was her being so self-centered. I know this but still fall for it. Ughhhh

We have all done it... .I know I did... .it took me a little while to catch on... .I was in so much pain from the lying and cheating... .  The thing is... turn it around and actually think it through... .could you be in a new relationship and be calling someone that you left (in my case live with for 5 years)... .  I guess you can if you are a cheater... .you don't think twice about disrespecting the new person in your life and your ex all with one simple phone call... .better yet... .why not get together and have sex... .Let me just revel in myself and control others!     I do not know what to call that behavior, but you and I and a whole lot of other people are better off not around it! 

Some feed on all that drama too, though.   There is a lot of that out there.

[downnout98]

WOW... .it doesn't get much more self-centered than that.  I changed my phone number, and blocked everything.   I was in a lot of pain (mine ran off with new supply and like you thought she could just contact me whenever she wanted?... as long as I accepted it, guess what, she could!).  I got to a point where I just could not take on that immature, selfish abuse. They cannot be alone for a minute... so you filled in his spot until he was back. Nice, huh.  That phone call was all about making her feel better for the way she has treated you.   I understand how you feel... I KNOW how painful it is for you right now, but how many times do you need to allow her to treat you that way?

It sucks... but you can certainly put an end to it.  Make the choice to love you!      ... .she does not.

"Taking the bait" is the perfect description.  They play our good hearts... .:-(

No kidding, what was I thinking? I can be so strong at times, but when she sent me that message and called, I completely fell apart. I read some of the letters I wrote to myself recently. The common thread was her being so self-centered. I know this but still fall for it. Ughhhh

We have all done it... .I know I did... .it took me a little while to catch on... .I was in so much pain from the lying and cheating... .  The thing is... turn it around and actually think it through... .could you be in a new relationship and be calling someone that you left (in my case live with for 5 years)... .  I guess you can if you are a cheater... .you don't think twice about disrespecting the new person in your life and your ex all with one simple phone call... .better yet... .why not get together and have sex... .Let me just revel in myself and control others!     I do not know what to call that behavior, but you and I and a whole lot of other people are better off not around it! 

Some feed on all that drama too, though.   There is a lot of that out there.

You are absolutely right. I guess I was thinking that since we were together for so long and were to be married, it was different. She is no longer my g/f therefore it is partaking in cheating. I am better than that. I need to not fall in that trap.

[mitchell16]

downnout98. dont beat youself up to bad. But your description " taking the bait" was spot on. I fell for it some many times Ive lost caught. I remember after a simlar incidence i even mumbled it to myself, that i once again took the bait. I always ended up hurt after these exchanges and she never was. I figured it was because mine was real emotions and hers was just a game.

Best thing to do in my opinion is go back to NC. and stick to it. she just making you her back up.

[ShadowIntheNight]

You know down and out, it's interesting you use the term "bait" in your description. My ex loves to fish. She lives next to the ocean so you would think "loving" it she would go as often as she could. When we first got together one of the first things she did was take me fishing with her. I don't fish, never had any luck, but honestly if you fish in the ocean you're probably gonna catch something! We usually went on the pier, never out into the ocean cause we get motion sick too easy!

The first year we were together, she got me a rod for deepsea fishing. I didn't live in the same town as her so when in the first few years we were together that is something we would do. Over time we quit going, priorities changed, we vacationed other places, those kinds of things.

Interestingly, whenever the push/pull thing was going on between us(which I had no idea what it was just that she was feeling insecure) and there was someone else around as a close "friend" for her,  she would take them fishing. It was always the first thing she would do with them. Last June out of nowhere she was taking her kids and some "cousins" fishing. She hadn't been fishing in 3 years and her kids aren't  particularly fond of it. It was during this time that her communications between us ended, and I am quite sure she was "hooking" my replacement and he was the cousin on that fishing expedition.

It has always been a question to me as to why fishing is the "thing" she does with someone she likes. I know it's a childhood issue as she and her father fished together at times. Don't know why, but my guess is that it is a bonding thing for her. Doesn't make it feel any better knowing she was taking my replacement to our old fishing grounds so they could "bond."

[downnout98]

Thank you everyone. I am sorry that you all have gone through so much as well.

I am getting worried because I have a business trip with my exgf coming up next week, and it is getting harder and harder to resist her. I know she is feeling the same because she has told me. We both travel and share accounts with the some of the same clients. It worked really well when we were together. Now it is extremely hard. Because of business, I do have to talk to her from time to time. Now we are traveling together and I can't avoid it.

Sometimes I wish I could just undo all this mess and wish that I would have just given in to her again when she was asking me to come back. This is unbearable. This is now a different kind of pain than what I was going through.

[raisins3142]

One way to resist her might be: knowing you have options to be happy that do not involve her, romantic or otherwise.

[AwakenedOne]

I am getting worried because I have a business trip with my exgf coming up next week, and it is getting harder and harder to resist her.

May I suggest to you the option of taking your power back? Have you had enough yet? Are going to partake in this game still? If not, develop a plan in your mind and follow through.

You have the power now.

It's unfortunate you have to work with her. Robotic, boring, non emotional, distant and non open ended conversation might be the way to deal with her at work and while traveling.

[downnout98]

I am getting worried because I have a business trip with my exgf coming up next week, and it is getting harder and harder to resist her.

May I suggest to you the option of taking your power back? Have you had enough yet? Are going to partake in this game still? If not, develop a plan in your mind and follow through.

You have the power now.

It's unfortunate you have to work with her. Robotic, boring, non emotional, distant and non open ended conversation might be the way to deal with her at work and while traveling.

I am such a sucker because I want to believe that it is not a game, that her feelings are real. But, when I stop and look at it all again and replay the tapes in my mind, it is a game and I end up losing. I am reading a few books now to help me take my power back.

[Infared]

I am getting worried because I have a business trip with my exgf coming up next week, and it is getting harder and harder to resist her.

May I suggest to you the option of taking your power back? Have you had enough yet? Are going to partake in this game still? If not, develop a plan in your mind and follow through.

You have the power now.

It's unfortunate you have to work with her. Robotic, boring, non emotional, distant and non open ended conversation might be the way to deal with her at work and while traveling.

I am such a sucker because I want to believe that it is not a game, that her feelings are real. But, when I stop and look at it all again and replay the tapes in my mind, it is a game and I end up losing. I am reading a few books now to help me take my power back.

Yeah... one of my mentors explained to me about the power brokering thing... .and it seems that somehow I had given all the power in the relationship over to her (which I believe now to be true), and I was suffering severely... .but wait a minute... .I was never in a power struggling anyway, I was just trying to be in a loving relationship.  That's right. "I" always was playing fair and just wanting a partner and a relationship, but my ex was always manipulating and jockeying for power... (out of fear of abandonment). The ultimate was power trip was to get a new supply and then crush me... .throughout she was power brokering her safety. That may not be 100% true all the time... .but that was definitely in the mix of my relationship, but I was not aware of it then.