Deterioration. Does anyone relate

[Reecer1588]

Hey guys. I was given a reminder of the past. I have a long standing 'what's app' conversation with my 5 best friends. I have deleted all photos my ex from my phone, however, I had sent one picture that my ex and I had taken last September on the lake. She looked so cute. Really petite, hair pulled back. She's got a really big smile, but not a fake smile, a smile that looks like it took no effort. She's on her barefoot tippy toes with me, and her toenails are painted.

And I thought to myself: Hold on, This looks NOTHING like the girl who I've seen in recent pictures. Namely her at the rodeo.

One of my dorm buddies is walking by, I stop him and I am ask him, hey look at these two pictures of my ex, what do you notice?

And without any prompting, he told me: ":)ude she looks completely different. Teeth are so yellow in that new picture, looks like she's put on like, 30 pounds, the bags under her eyes now are huge, her smile is just, weird, and I don't know man, she looks completely different"

We talked about it for a while. I showed him my story "She is trying to ruin my life" and I showed him some of the texts she had sent me wayyyyy earlier in our relationship, and just how much of a 180 they were from the recent vitriol.

I guess just needed to write today. I don't feel a particular longing today or anything.

Here is what it seems to me. I feel my ex is losing herself. I mean that. All I can feel now is just a sad pity for her, the anger is largely gone. You look at the pictures she has of herself now, and I mean, she just looks broken in the face. Her profile picture is just her with this psychotic look on her face. Of the pictures I can see (I have her blocked on facebook) of her recently, I mean, she looks like a whole new person. Literally looks like she's gained maybe 20-30 pounds within 2.5 months. You can see it in her face, but the biggest difference now is in her hips. Her hips have gotten BIG.

Sure enough: It didn't take me long to find some article about BPD and eating: www.validatingparenting.com/?p=316

This thread doesn't have much content in it I guess you would say.

Here's the major point(s):

I feel she has quickly deteriorated, and continues to deteriorate mentally. Her smile now just looks, broken. Especially compared to when she looked genuinely happy in the pictures she was with me.

In the past, we fought. Yes. And you could tell the signs that she might be BPD in the way she would isolate me from my family/friends, the push/pull. But we could always work through it. It only escalated so far.

As you all know by now, the things she said and did to me in January of this year... .went way beyond the category of 'healthy' (why I ended up on BPDf)

Now, post breakup:

She's gained significant weight. She looks NOTHING like she used to.

The bags under her eyes are significantly worse now.

Her smile looks broken... .I don't know how else to describe it.

The weird psychotic face shot that is her profile picture... .


Synopsis: When I said my ex a few weeks ago might be BPD, I could cite 6 of the 9 criteria. It's been 2.5 months since everything happened, and she's gained significant weight. She even told me this in February when I mentioned my weight loss "Naw, all I do is eat haha." I did not include 'impulsive' in the criteria. But with what looks like maybe binge eating... .maybe it's coming into play.

How do I feel? I mean, I feel like I failed her. I know, it's irrational. But when she was dating me, when she had me to rely on, she looked genuinely happy. The BPD behaviors were always 'under the surface', but nothing like it is now. I feel longing for my ex, but it's like, knowing that she looks completely different now, and after all the abuse her disorder put me through, it's like a dull longing. I pity her, I just feel sorry for her.

And most of all, I wish she'd quit this silly NC with me. 41 days now. I just want to talk to her. I know there's a good chance she is eating her shame away. I feel like part of her feels something... .

But I'm not stupid. I know I can not talk to her first.

And, in a horrible way, I feel good about myself. I've lost 30 pounds, and she got some cosmic karma... .and put my weight on  

                                                                 KIDDING    

Question

In your own personal experiences, have you also felt like you ex's are deteriorating? Physically, mentally, or both? What's your story?

[EaglesJuju]

My bf has gone through depressed periods when he tends to binge eat and gain a bunch of weight. I think many non-disordered people can go through depressive phases where they gain weight and have a sullen appearance.

How do I feel? I mean, I feel like I failed her. I know, it's irrational. But when she was dating me, when she had me to rely on, she looked genuinely happy. The BPD behaviors were always 'under the surface', but nothing like it is now. I feel longing for my ex, but it's like, knowing that she looks completely different now, and after all the abuse her disorder put me through, it's like a dull longing. I pity her, I just feel sorry for her.

Why do you think you failed her, because of her weight and appearance?

And most of all, I wish she'd quit this silly NC with me. 41 days now. I just want to talk to her. I know there's a good chance she is eating her shame away. I feel like part of her feels something... .

Why do you want to contact her? Do you feel that you can make her happy again?

[Maternus]

She's in the age where the symptoms of BPD start to manifest. And yes, you were a trigger. Not you as a person, but you as a romantic partner. It doesn't matter who was her partner, anyone would have triggered her fears of abondenment, her push/pull-behaviours a.s.o.

[mitatsu]

Since marrying my StbxuBpdW (phew) i've gained near on 2 stone in 6 months (yep that short a marriage) i put it down to co-dependant drinking and junk eating when she did (people pleaser mode on) i did manage to quit smoking 3 days after wedding and even tho i have felt like crap i've resisted going back to tobacco anyhoo in the 4 weeks since i ran away i've lost 1/2 st but ate better food 

[Reecer1588]

Since marrying my StbxuBpdW (phew) i've gained near on 2 stone in 6 months (yep that short a marriage) i put it down to co-dependant drinking and junk eating when she did (people pleaser mode on) i did manage to quit smoking 3 days after wedding and even tho i have felt like crap i've resisted going back to tobacco anyhoo in the 4 weeks since i ran away i've lost 1/2 st but ate better food 

Proud of you man. Since from a while before the split with my ex I've gone from 216 pounds to 185 pounds. I play basketball nightly, and only drink socially. I smoke an occasional cigar.

[Maternus]

Is the the codependent-binge-eater-thread? 

When I met my UBPDex my weight was about 190 pound, at the end of the relationship it was 230. I lost a lot of weight through lovesicknes and that motivated   me to work on myself. I'm now at 180 pounds. Hey, that tickles the NPD in me. Sorry for showing off.   

[Reecer1588]

My bf has gone through depressed periods when he tends to binge eat and gain a bunch of weight. I think many non-disordered people can go through depressive phases where they gain weight and have a sullen appearance.

How do I feel? I mean, I feel like I failed her. I know, it's irrational. But when she was dating me, when she had me to rely on, she looked genuinely happy. The BPD behaviors were always 'under the surface', but nothing like it is now. I feel longing for my ex, but it's like, knowing that she looks completely different now, and after all the abuse her disorder put me through, it's like a dull longing. I pity her, I just feel sorry for her.

Why do you think you failed her, because of her weight and appearance?

And most of all, I wish she'd quit this silly NC with me. 41 days now. I just want to talk to her. I know there's a good chance she is eating her shame away. I feel like part of her feels something... .

Why do you want to contact her? Do you feel that you can make her happy again?

I am the only one who understands her now. I am the only one who even suspects she has this disorder. I have studied and I have learned the communication skills required to communicate with someone living with BPD. I want to help her, I want to be there for her. If she just knew that contacting me wouldn't be the end of the world, and that I do not want to bite here head off.

In short, yes, I believe that with a great deal of work, I could make her happy again. And that certainly would make me happy, too.

Yes, I feel like I have failed her, and her body is writing the story even when her mind won't. Her yellow teeth, 20-30 pound weight gain in about 2 months, her broken smile and her crazy eyes. I always thought that she was just getting along with life so well now without me. Well, her body certainly portrays a different story.


What I am looking for with this thread is to see if anyone else can attest to the fact that right before/after leaving them, their former BPD partners seemed to mentally, and physically deteriorate.

[Mutt]

Hi Reecer1588,

I understand wanting to help an ex partner with BPD traits. You suffered loss. I went through a period when a family member mentioned she may have BPD and after I started reading about the disorder   The behaviors I couldn't put my finger on made sense.

I wanted to help by telling her I think she may suffer from mental illness. It took time for me to process and separate my personal feelings. I was in denial that a loved one, a significant person in my life was suffering. In a way, I thought if I told her it may be a chance to fix things. Detaching, the anxiety and depression was terribly hard.

I'm sorry your going through this. No doubt it wouldn't be the end of the world by telling her and silence from an ex partner  can feel like the ultimate rejection.  It's hard. It's not personal to you,  when she sees you as all bad it's something about her past and her core wound of abandonment and it's a protective measure for her to cope.

Don't be hard on yourself Reecer1588  you didn't fail her, don't blame yourself for her disorder. 


Hang in there.

----Mutt

[Reecer1588]

Hi Reecer1588,

I understand wanting to help an ex partner with BPD traits. You suffered loss. I went through a period when a family member mentioned she may have BPD and after I started reading about the disorder   The behaviors I couldn't put my finger on made sense.

I wanted to help by telling her I think she may suffer from mental illness. It took time for me to process and separate my personal feelings. I was in denial that a loved one, a significant person in my life was suffering. In a way, I thought if I told her it may be a chance to fix things. Detaching, the anxiety and depression was terribly hard.

I'm sorry your going through this. No doubt it wouldn't be the end of the world by telling her and silence from an ex partner  can feel like the ultimate rejection.  It's hard. It's not personal to you,  when she sees you as all bad it's something about her past and her core wound of abandonment and it's a protective measure for her to cope.

Don't be hard on yourself Reecer1588  you didn't fail her, don't blame yourself for her disorder.  


Hang in there.

----Mutt

Mutt, I would like to remind that under threat of legal retribution, I am not allowed to contact my ex. It has been 41 days since our last direct contact. She could conceivably contact me first, but I am under the firm impression that she will never do this.

Thank you for your insightful input, mutt. I am actually feeling very detached from everything now. At one point, after she was done fully trashing me, I worried that some new man would get to love this beautiful, cute, innocent girl I loved. Seeing her having put on over 20 pounds, her teeth nasty yellow, and her EMPTY eyes, I see that I was worried for nothing. I can barely recognize the girl I knew months ago. It's replaced by a fatter, empty shell who apparently doesn't brush her teeth.

Karma sucks doesn't it?

[Mutt]

She may or may not contact you.

The future is yet to unfold and we create unnecessary anxiety by thinking of possibilities and things we can't control. Let things come on their own terms.

Shift focus on the here and now. Live life in the present moment. The possibility with choices are endless.

I let karma take care of itself and don't control. I show love and kindness to others and try not to harm and help when I can.

[Reecer1588]

She may or may not contact you.

The future is yet to unfold and we create unnecessary anxiety by thinking of possibilities and things we can't control. Let things come on their own terms.

Shift focus on the here and now. Live life in the present moment. The possibility with choices are endless.

I let karma take care of itself and don't control. I show love and kindness to others and try not to harm and help when I can.

Thank you, Mutt.

Like I've said before. The purpose of this thread was to see if anyone else had observed serious physical and emotional deterioration in their ex's, following the split.

[Mutt]

She may or may not contact you.

The future is yet to unfold and we create unnecessary anxiety by thinking of possibilities and things we can't control. Let things come on their own terms.

Shift focus on the here and now. Live life in the present moment. The possibility with choices are endless.

I let karma take care of itself and don't control. I show love and kindness to others and try not to harm and help when I can.

Thank you, Mutt.

Like I've said before. The purpose of this thread was to see if anyone else had observed serious physical and emotional deterioration in their ex's, following the split.

I understand. Members sometimes can feel anxiety, worry and concern for a loved one's emotional / physical state with BPD after the split.

I'm sorry if I didn't respond directly to physical / emotional deterioration, the theme is in several threads.

I'm trying to help you with tools to turn focus on ourselves, letting go of something we can't control as it helps us with unnecessary and unwarranted worry and stress.

[Deeno02]

Not that I spend much time on it anymore, but if I had to guess, and from what I hear, probably emotionally and mentally. I mean, who lauches into a new r/s a week after ending another r/s. Plus, her oldest son moved out to go live with his dad, leaving her with the other 4 kids. Her house is in foreclosure and she no longer has her club Volleyball gig anymore either. Slowly circling the drain... .