Letter to spouse... would like comments

[eldee2100]

Background: BPDW went out of town and it went bad quick. Our son (8) was sick so he couldn't go to the office with me (I own my own business) so I arranged for a half day here and a half day there with one of my employees coming here for a couple of hours. My mother in law lives with us (not an issue for me at all, she is great) but has a broken femur she is recovering from and needs some support. Anyway, when my wife found out the plan, she flipped. She doesn't want my employee in the house anymore, (although she has cleaned for us and babysat for months and is become great friends with my mother in law) but didn't give a reason when asked. More background: I travel for work but rarely overnight.

I wrote this and am considering giving it to her when she returns, knowing it will be a disaster, but also having a combination of hoping it will help and just needing to get it off my chest... .Here is the letter. Thanks for any comments.

I leave town and you get mad at me because I don’t call enough. You leave town and get mad at me because I don’t call enough. I got out of town, it’s hard on you. You go out of town, its hard on you. Everything is about how it affects you.

I don’t sleep in the same room with you because there is no affection connected to it. It’s like you just want me in there so that I’m not sleeping in another part of the house. There is no incentive. It’s control.

And you want me at home, not so you can talk to me, but I’m guessing so that you know where I am. You want me to sit in the living room and watch what you want on TV until you decide to go read. You then want me to come do a crossword puzzle until you want to go to sleep. There is no concern for what I may want to do or what I want to watch, even though while the TV is on you are on the computer.

You act like I work from home all the time. But I don’t anymore. You are on the computer all the time.  But since it isn’t “work” there is no problem.

You are in control and resist anything other than your rules for everything, including intimacy, which has become your timetable, your way, your everything, all while letting me know I don’t deserve it.

I don’t mind the no alcohol thing here at home. But it’s one more thing that was ok until you decided it wasn’t ok.

You say all you give me is stress. A marriage with kids is filled with stress. The problem is, you don’t want to relieve any of the stress and make anything easy for me at all. I work for every smile, every intimate moment, everything from you. All the while knowing you’re just doing it out of duty.

You left town for two days and tried to maintain control over everything.

About a month ago, I went to work at 6:00 a.m. and came home from work at 10:30, just as you were coming out of the bedroom. You got a cup of coffee, sat down in the chair in your bathrobe, put your computer on facebook, told me your schedule was impossible, your mom was impossible, my mom was impossible, and then looked at me and said, “I can’t take this anymore.”

And I don’t want to hear that I won’t take charge. We tried that. I asked for two weeks. You lasted three days before you blocked me. You want me to lead the things you want me to lead, but you refuse to let me lead where you might have to give something up or be out of your comfort zone. You don’t trust me to lead.

It’s hard to believe I’ve tried to change for 13 years in order to get you to love me back. I have changed so many times, changed my schedule, changed/canceled things I really wanted to go to, considered things that are impossible, and many other things all so that you would just love me in a way that would be edifying to me.

But no matter what I do, it isn’t good enough. The real reason is I’m not the man you wanted. I may look like the man you wanted and have abilities of the man you wanted, but you don’t want me. You want someone to control.

And at the same time, I do want who you showed me you are and who you said you’d be before we got married. I still want that. That’s why I’m still here. I have hope.

But you are not loving toward me, you do not support what I do (or have ever done) for a living. I like what I do for a living. But because of the way you treat me, all the fun is sucked out of it. I dread being away because of how you treat me and I dread being at home because of how you treat me.

Basically, it’s “Love me. I hate you.”

And you’ll prove how important my feeling are by how you react to this…

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oooohm]

eldee,

I feel your frustration!  (Been there... .still there)  Writing this letter must have been a very cathartic exercise for you.

But... .    "Lighting a match to a stick of dynamite and expecting it to grow flowers is... .INSANE"

What are you trying to accomplish besides relieving your frustrations by trying to be "heard"? 

You HAVE been heard!  Keep writing here. It's safer.

[Hmcbart]

I thought the letter was great. I have a couple of them I have written but never sent.  I would love to offer some advice but as my own letters remain unsent, I have none to offer. I am not you but I share your frustrations. She sounds like my own wife and the letter sounds like I wrote it.

I know for myself, just reading about how others are dealing with things in their own lives helps me. This site gives hope to those of us who may not have much left. It allows us a safe place to ask questions and learn without fear. It allows those of us to vent when we may not have a close friend or confidante to listen to us. Most importantly it helps to know that we are not alone.

[JohnLove]

You do come across as a good and considerate husband. I am concerned about that letter not being well recieved by your wife... .you are trying (as I have) in being very logical with your wife in the face of her illogical behaviour. She does not have a very healthy logical mind. She is damaged emotionally. She has a personality disorder which dramatically affects her emotions. My bet is she will not understand.

I comprehend everything you are saying. I have directly experienced these things and feelings.

Validation is a very effective communication tool... .if the intent is to build a bridge between yourselves, I suspect you may achieve the opposite. My bet is that she will "find" or interpret your words as blaming her for everything wrong and will find it invalidating. This is the nature of her disorder... .sadly.

I am not saying not to try this communication with her but I would expect an overreaction and little understanding. In your closing line you have given her "permission" with what you are expecting. The blame game is no fun to play with anyone but especially one with a blame/shame based disorder.

I wish you every success.

[Loosestrife]

Great letter eldee

I agree with some of the other posts in what outcome do you want from this?

I have written countless letters like yours, but I have never shared them as my BPD partner:

1) couldn't cope with how I feel and hurt/anger even more

2) already knows how I feel, but rarely takes the time to think about it

3) would likely paint me black/detach in response

I have come to the conclusion that couples counselling or exit strategy are my only options. It makes me sad to think that our intimate relationships are controlled as they are supposed to be the most precious thing in the world. I hope you find a way to feel appreciated and cared for as you deserve it.

[formflier]

 

I would suggest the bigger issue... is did you give in to her control.

She is not in town... you run the house as you see fit.  Period.  No explanations.

[OffRoad]

I would suggest the bigger issue... is did you give in to her control.

She is not in town... you run the house as you see fit.  Period.  No explanations.

^^^That. What formflier said. I get where you are coming from (Hoo-boy do I get where you are coming from). You might want to consider detaching with love. You get to choose what you are are going to do. I realize that it's easier to go along to keep the peace, but at what cost to you, and possibly your son?

She doesn't want the employee in the house anymore? Too bad, you needed help. Its not like you guys were "getting together", Hello: MIL and S were there. "I'm sorry you were upset that things went wrong when you left. I will still get help when I need it from whomever I can get it from."

I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you found this place.

[eldee2100]

Well, part of me hoped someone would tell me to give it to her, but I know you are all correct. Any ideas on how to communicate any of this to her without an explosion? Has anyone done this and walked out unscathed?

[bluejeans]

I so get that you want to tell her what is going on from your perspective.  I am a logical, analytic person. I often just want to explain it all to her (my uBPDSO) simply, with the facts, so that she would understand and would make changes. In the past I tried to do this by responding to her emails. It never got anywhere, and just made things worse.  Just yesterday I received 2 scathing texts, 2 voice mails, and 2 emails and more this morning. I haven't responded. And I am trying to not allow these communications to have any power over me. I am learning. This site has been very helpful to me.

[rlhmm]

hi eldee, let me ask you this, do you think in your "right" mind that she would/could absorb any part of what you say and make the necessary changes?  i would suggest taking a walk over to the leaving/detaching board and do a little reading over there. you might find some answers over there. very best of luck friend. 

[Oooohm]

Eldee,

I have been able to "address" some of the things in your letter with my own wife over the years. I'm able to lead by example and reference other peoples lives in a non threatening way. Examples:

"I love you so I brought you a cup of tea"

"Isn't it great that so and so have a date night out once a week?"

"I'm going to try not yelling at our daughter this time and just try listening... .I think it will work"

"I'm going to clean the house when I get home. I hope I have enough time before our favorite show starts"

It's a combination of reverse psychology, pointing to "Normal", and showing proper behavior... .  Notice I never, EVER, use the word YOU.  It has worked... .to some degree... .over time... .   patience and dedication. I equate it to retraining a rattlesnake not to strike. You get bit a lot... .and the rattle snake eventually gets to tired to strike.

[I-am-titanium]

Wow. A really beautiful (sad, very sad though) letter. I can relate in many aspects of what you wrote. I hope you'll find some peace at last.

[eldee2100]

UBpdwife had a meeting last night so I drove her. She asked me to consider 1)moving somewhere else 2)quitting my job to do something else (I own my own business, who do I resign to?) and other things that would "improve" my life. She asked me where I wanted to be in five years, she asked why I did this and that.

(the entire time, each question, my head screams a not too appropriate answer... .as in where I want to be in five years... .somewhere else, dammit)

But anyway, she went to her committee meeting, and I had a beer at a local establishment. Well, two beers. On the way home, she asked me if I had a beer. I said yes, and then yes to having just one. I lied to just not have the entire rest of the trip derailed by discussion of having more than one beer. (about three years ago, she was drinking 6-8 a night and smoking a pack of cigarettes but she decided WE wouldn't drink anymore, even though two is always my limit) She accused me of cheating on her with a woman I just hired, but I'm used to it, she has accused me of cheating with any woman I've ever hired. Said she had found a job she wanted in a town a thousand miles away and that she knows I would miss the kids. (it would kill me to have them gone)

I told her I didn't appreciate the threat. (It's an empty one. She won't leave. She couldn't handle the responsibility.) She said it wasn't a threat. But that she needed attention from me, not just a few hours, but days and weeks off with just the focus on her.

She said she didn't trust me and that we couldn't be intimate without her trust. And that I don't shower her with love and adulation. And that without the preparing of her heart, she wasn't interested.

At this point, I tell her how wonderful she is, etc, but of course she dismisses it.

But honestly, she aint wonderful. She is a &^&^)*&*(&! nightmare. But the only way for her not to be twice the problem is to tell lies. I'm sick of lying. If I thought I would get the kids, I'd end this horrifying charade. But I'm too chicken to chance that me losing them would sentence them to years of BPD, courtesy dear old mom.

[formflier]

  But the only way for her not to be twice the problem is to tell lies. I'm sick of lying.

I think it is possible to work on some ways to handle this situation... .if we could replay it.  With absolutely no fibbing! 

Does that interest you?

Let's back up a second or two... .I like to take the 30,000 foot view of things. 

She wants more attention from you.  She is being honest.  She is just going about it the wrong way... .or ... .I think we could argue it is working for her.

Is she getting more attention from you when she misbehaves (if that is what we call it)?

Standing by on this end!

[OffRoad]

(the entire time, each question, my head screams a not too appropriate answer... .as in where I want to be in five years... .somewhere else, dammit)

I laughed at this, although I know it isn't funny. I'd be willing to bet a lot of us have had that fleeting thought at least once.

Formflier is correct, she is telling you that she wants more attention. She doesn't really need days and weeks off with just you focusing on her, because then she would feel suffocated (but you can't tell her that, she won't believe you).

From where I sit, you need to help yourself first. Have you tried to validate your wife without agreeing with her? When she asks you to consider moving some where else, do you dismiss it out of hand, or do you say "That's an interesting thought. Why would you ask that?" and see WHY she want to move. If it's because she found that "great job" 1000 miles away, you could ask about it and say "Wow, what a great job that would be."

It sounds to me like she wants to "improve" her own life, and is projecting it on you.

[Oooohm]

She wants more attention from you.  She is being honest.  She is just going about it the wrong way... .or ... .I think we could argue it is working for her.

Is she getting more attention from you when she misbehaves (if that is what we call it)?

----- Dog starts acting weird... stiffing at oriental rug in dining room.  You jump up and open the door out of fear of the consequences of doing nothing... .next day dog sniffs the rug... .  you open the door... .  dog figures out when he sniffs the carpet you open the door... .   Who's in charge now ?  -------

Maybe doing nothing is best course of action now  ?

[formflier]

You jump up and open the door out of fear of the consequences 

What does it mean to get out of the FOG?

What does that stand for?

FYI... .please don't try to make any changes in your r/s for a few days.  Let's spend some time here making sure you fully understand potential changes you can make. 

We'll explain more later... .but... .if a change is made... .it is usually best to stick with it.  Rather than change... .drop it... .try something else... .drop it.

It's education time!      You ready?   

[eldee2100]

It's funny. Being honest with y'all about my dishonesty... .And the example of the dog, that's me.

But after I wrote all that, I went home (about 2 p.m.). And she dragged me to the bedroom. Said she was sorry about all the stuff she said.

And I, after seeing for a while what a (I think) normal relationship would be like, REFUSE to believe it will continue. I REFUSE to believe tomorrow won't be another anecdotal episode of narcissistic girl with kids and a credit card. Maybe it is me... .Can you be so damaged by the past that you derail any change they might make? That you'd be so worried of repeating the disasters of the past that you miss and fail to enjoy an occasional joy?

You asked if I'm ready. Yeah, I'm listening... .

[formflier]

  Said she was sorry about all the stuff she said.

Please tell us more about this conversation. 

There are a couple kinds of sorry.  One... where you say the words... and hope to make other people feel better.

Another kind... .motivates the person that is sorry to make changes.

Which kind of sorrow did she have? 

Note:  Both are good... .and positive things... .but... .they are different.

More in a few min...

[formflier]

You asked if I'm ready. Yeah, I'm listening... .

This is good.  I also hope you are ready to learn.  Learn about BPD... .learn about yourself... . 

I have a plan... .where it is possible to have a 100% success rate for the things that you  try!  Does that interest you?

You can click on the item below to go to what I think is your most important lesson to read.  It's a good starting point.

Lesson 1 for Eldee2100


Please look it over... .make notes... .come back here and ask questions... make observations.

You can do this! 

FF

[Oooohm]

And I, after seeing for a while what a (I think) normal relationship would be like, REFUSE to believe it will continue. I REFUSE to believe tomorrow won't be another anecdotal episode of narcissistic girl with kids and a credit card. Maybe it is me... .Can you be so damaged by the past that you derail any change they might make? That you'd be so worried of repeating the disasters of the past that you miss and fail to enjoy an occasional joy?

It's resentment. I'm still battling this in myself after 11 years of being "BPD aware". After, following all the lessons, understanding the underlying emotional dynamics, working on myself and my role in the past problems... .changing MY behavior in our relationship, moving forward to a point where we "somewhat" seem like a normal couple,  I still find myself in moments where I DON"T TRUST HER! I think we all here feel we were "put through the ringer", were duped into believing the person who we fell in love with isn't who they are. Resentment.

An observation:  They were always who they were. Our perception of them has changed (BPD aware). Are we upset with ourselves for not getting it right in the beginning? My wife is still the same person she was... .she has also "Grown" (I give her huge credit). She is financially more responsible, able to somewhat except people as "shades of grey", Trusts me enough (Because of my work with the lessons) not to "Claw" me anymore, Much better understanding her reactions to our children DO have long term affects, But... .

I still find myself not "TRUSTING", "Waiting for the shoe to drop", "Poking the lion to see if she will swat me". All stuff I need to work on within myself... .  Sometimes it's not fair to her but there is a small part of me, deep down inside,  that feels she deserves to be tested occasionally because she spent so... so many years testing me to my limits. It's not healthy... .resentment... .gets in the way, ultimately, of our own happiness... .resentment... .makes us "make decisions in the moment", view our SO, plan our future, based not on love... .resentment.

Our "journey" should focus also on quelling the resentment.

FormFlier has you walking in the right direction.