BPDexW Contacting exH's Girlfriend(s)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi All,

I have been reading on these boards awhile now, and I haven't found any story or information pertaining to an odd behavior/activity that my BPDexgf did regarding her exH.

A little background information is in order. My BPDexgf and this man were married for 8 years. They had been divorced 5 years when she and I started dating. She spoke of him with great anger and contempt. Some of her rages regarding him were quiet scary.I am sure that he was painted blacker than black. According to her, he was very abusive during their marriage---physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. I heard many tales of him being just pure evil. My BPDexgf and this man have one child together, whom he very seldom sees.

My BPDexgf would contact any woman she found him to be dating and just pitch him as the devil. Her goal was to sever his relationships. Her reason for this: so other women would not be abused by him. She usually made the initial contact with these women through FB, just to get their phone number so that she could call them. She would go to great lengths in order to get said persons phone number. If she couldn't get it via FB, she'd use her grapevine contacts to get the phone number.

I have thought about this, and cannot come up with anything other than it being done out of her meanness and him being painted so very black. With anyone she is on bad terms with, she is extremely mean and hateful towards them. This man was not being used as supply, and he definitely wasn't an orbiter. This particular behavior, calling the exe's current romantic partner, I have not read about. Has anyone else seen this behavior in their pwBPD? Any thoughts on this are welcomed. Thank you for your comment(s).

[apollotech]

Hi All,

I have been reading on these boards awhile now, and I haven't found any story or information pertaining to an odd behavior/activity that my BPDexgf did regarding her exH.

A little background information is in order. My BPDexgf and this man were married for 8 years. They had been divorced 5 years when she and I started dating. She spoke of him with great anger and contempt. Some of her rages regarding him were quiet scary.I am sure that he was painted blacker than black. According to her, he was very abusive during their marriage---physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. I heard many tales of him being just pure evil. My BPDexgf and this man have one child together, whom he very seldom sees.

My BPDexgf would contact any woman she found him to be dating and just pitch him as the devil. Her goal was to sever his relationships. Her reason for this: so other women would not be abused by him. She usually made the initial contact with these women through FB, just to get their phone number so that she could call them. She would go to great lengths in order to get said persons phone number. If she couldn't get it via FB, she'd use her grapevine contacts to get the phone number.

I have thought about this, and cannot come up with anything other than it being done out of her meanness and him being painted so very black. With anyone she is on bad terms with, she is extremely mean and hateful towards them. This man was not being used as supply, and he definitely wasn't an orbiter. This particular behavior, calling the exe's current romantic partner, I have not read about. Has anyone else seen this behavior in their pwBPD? Any thoughts on this are welcomed. Thank you for your comment(s).

[ShadowIntheNight]

Apollo, my ex HATES her exH. They have been divorced 10 years. She actually liked him better the first years they were divorced than the last five. After he remarried (secretly) and bought a new house, she never called him anything but the effer the next five years. My ex divorced him, said he had physically abused her twice, I think, and she had him thrown in jail one of those times. He also emotionally abused her by, she said, him giving her the silent treatment and just leaving for days without telling her where he was going or what he was doing. Honestly I don't even know if I believe that anymore. Knowing her, he was probably escaping her raging. I was never allowed to call him by his real name because it enraged her so much.

Like I said, she divorced him, told me she would be glad if she never had to see him again. Rather than indifference which would indicate a moving on, she hates him. She is friends with the exH's wife's former spouse and wife (is that confusing?). She is so she can "learn" what they are doing. I have no idea why. I have never met a single person in my 54 years of life who cared more what their exH was doing 10 years after they were divorced than her. And I can assure you it isn't abandonment or enmeshment. She delights in tormenting him. She even baits him into arguments just so she can emasculate him. You do see why he never wanted to get back with my ex, right? I can only guess that because he didn't chase her she feels enraged. Or maybe more deeply it's a FOO issue. But definitely an issue for my ex for sure.

[Mutt]

Hi apollotech,

I was called emotionally, physically, financially abusive by my ex partner with BPD traits. She also said I was emotionally abusive to my children.

I triggered her fear of abandonment when I said I wanted a divorce and she started saying stories and distorting me to family and friends. Some and not all pwBPD will distort when they're feeling intense anxiety and stress.

Notice how your ex is not saying anything good about exH? There are two sides to every story. Has anyone gotten his side of the story?

[JRT]

Apollo

Any chance that she is still in love with him, and though she cannot be with him for this reason or that, she cannot bear the thought of him being with another woman? So, she does whatever she can to destroy the r/s or interfere?

My brother was married to one (I can see in hindsight). Though they have been divorced for more than a dozen years, she continues to rage against him and has, indeed, turned her rage against his current wife in much the same manner that you describe. It was always my impression from her antics that she was still in love with him.

Though its a guess, it something to consider... .

[ShadowIntheNight]

Apollo

Any chance that she is still in love with him, and though she cannot be with him for this reason or that, she cannot bear the thought of him being with another woman? So, she does whatever she can to destroy the r/s or interfere?

My brother was married to one (I can see in hindsight). Though they have been divorced for more than a dozen years, she continues to rage against him and has, indeed, turned her rage against his current wife in much the same manner that you describe. It was always my impression from her antics that she was still in love with him.

Though its a guess, it something to consider... .

I entertained the idea that maybe my ex might still be in love with her ex, but I'm convinced what she feels for him has nothing to do with love! I have no way of knowing of course, but for my ex, it seems like her ego may be wounded because once the papers were filed, he never went after her to have her come back. As a matter of fact, our first five years we were together, he was only around on his weekend visitations. They had hardly any communication with one another, she avoided him and he didn't call her up asking about the kids. After he remarried that's when all crap broke loose. I do believe my ex has narcisstic traits and my feeling is that her big ole ego is wrapped up in that much rage. Not love, just ego.

Addendum after that post: I just remembered my exgf's mother HATES her son's ex wife. ExW divorced him, I believe he cheated on her. They've been divorced for years, but my ex's mother still goes on about what she did to her eldest son. The name I go by is the same as that ex wife. My ex called me by my middle name to her FOO and kids b/c she was concerned her mother wouldn't like me b/c I had that exWife's same name. How's that for controlling? It appears the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in this case.

[apollotech]

Notice how your ex is not saying anything good about exH? There are two sides to every story. Has anyone gotten his side of the story?

Mutt,

Thank you for your response. My opinion is now that he did not abuse her; she abused him. I base this off of two things. I know her family, and he is still welcomed at her mother's house. Her family, mother and siblings, would not welcome a man that had been abusive to one of the family members. She also let it slip one day that she had intentionally made the last 2 years of their marriage a living hell in order to run him off; she wanted a divorce. As she said, she became a f**king b**ch. There is no doubt in my mind that he left because of the abuse that HE was receiving.

If I was standing neck deep in the Pacific, and she told me I was wet, I wouldn't believe her.

[apollotech]

And I can assure you it isn't abandonment or enmeshment. She delights in tormenting him. She even baits him into arguments just so she can emasculate him. You do see why he never wanted to get back with my ex, right? I can only guess that because he didn't chase her she feels enraged.

Shadow,

Thank you for your response. Mine too goaded her ex into arguing, over nothing. She'd push issues to extremes until he either buckled or fought back.I think that is why he didn't see his daughter; he couldn't be around my BPDexgf. When she painted someone black, they got the full fury of Hell down on them.

I can certainly understand why your exSO's exH never chased her after the divorce. I bet that guy could tell us all some stories that make the hair stand up on our necks.

[apollotech]

Any chance that she is still in love with him, and though she cannot be with him for this reason or that, she cannot bear the thought of him being with another woman? So, she does whatever she can to destroy the r/s or interfere?

JRT,

Thank you for your response. I too entertained your thought, but she let it slip that she ran him off, on purpose. I know that she had ample opportunities to be alone with him, and she has never taken advantage of those opportunities. Now perhaps she wanted to and he didn't; I cannot answer that. Anger is an emotion of passion. For him to be able to stir up that kind of passion in her, it would seem that there was a connection (but this in Non reasoning). I am not sure. Her behavior regarding him puzzles me. She was definitely hell bent on him not having a gf.

One thing that triggered this question is that I have mysteriously lost contact with an old gf of mine. She is on FB; my BPDexgf knows of her, and knows that we occasionally talk on the phone. About two weeks ago, at about the same time that my BPDexgf finally stopped texting me, my old gf stopped returning my calls and texts. I have tried to get in touch with her a few times, but have not received a response. This has never happened before. The old gf is posting on FB so I know she is well. The timing seems suspect to me. I hope that it is nothing. What I don't want is my BPDexgf interfering in my life. If that is the case, I am going to quickly get real ugly about that, something that I do not wish to do.

[sun seeker]

   Hey all

  So your exBPD talked about how horrible thier ex's where.

  And guess what they are saying about us... .

  If you believe anything your BPD ex told you about this ex's at this point id think twice. Chances are its complete b.s. . Who is attracted to BPD's people like us helpers / co-dependents... Healthy people walk away when the   appear.

I would put any stock in what BPDers said about their ex's point blank!

   

[ShadowIntheNight]

   Hey all

  So your exBPD talked about how horrible thier ex's where.

  And guess what they are saying about us... .

  If you believe anything your BPD ex told you about this ex's at this point id think twice. Chances are its complete b.s. . Who is attracted to BPD's people like us helpers / co-dependents... Healthy people walk away when the   appear.

I would put any stock in what BPDers said about their ex's point blank!

   

I did see my uBPDexgf's exH in action so I did know he was a vain loud SOB. That said, I also read recently that it said BPders could stay in long term marriages with emotionally unavailable and controlling spouses. In her case, I think that could have been the case. However, I doubt it was nearly as bad as she treated him in the last five years verbally. She still let him walk all over her when it came to him reinterpreting their original divorce decree re their kids though. Her recourse was to bait and berate him verbally. In my case, not everything she said about him was a lie. More than that though it seemd her reaction was far stronger than necessary about the relationship, particularly after being divorced for quite a while. (They were divorced 10 years, we were together 9.5 of them.)