BPD and Mirrors and Getting Ready

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello 

I remember before any date nights after my uBPDxgf gets ready her mood will flip from nowhere and start blaming/raging and projecting for no reason. She would start saying things like "you only kiss me when I wear something short or put makeup on" or "you always use me as accessory to show me off" or "you never want to stay home".  This is after we planned for the date night for awhile and it never fails. Don't get me wrong but I do give her her space to get ready. She would ruin every date night.

I read the following paragraph on another site: It matters not, how brilliant, talented or beautiful your Borderline might be. No amount of reinforcement or affirmation from you or anyone else for that matter, will alter how they regard themselves. All their insecurities and self-loathing are projected onto their veneer when they look in the mirror, and a tiny blemish becomes a catastrophe! They might tenaciously attack it, until they cause substantial damage to adjacent tissues and create a much more unsightly flaw--but at least they were in-control of that destruction."

I do remember she would tenaciously attack a tiny breakout but her mood swings after getting ready drove me bananas! . Anyone experienced this with their exBPD?

Thanks for your input!

[Luckyfella]

Hello 

I remember before any date nights after my uBPDxgf gets ready her mood will flip from nowhere and start blaming/raging and projecting for no reason. She would start saying things like "you only kiss me when I wear something short or put makeup on" or "you always use me as accessory to show me off" or "you never want to stay home".  This is after we planned for the date night for awhile and it never fails. Don't get me wrong but I do give her her space to get ready. She would ruin every date night.

I read the following paragraph on another site: It matters not, how brilliant, talented or beautiful your Borderline might be. No amount of reinforcement or affirmation from you or anyone else for that matter, will alter how they regard themselves. All their insecurities and self-loathing are projected onto their veneer when they look in the mirror, and a tiny blemish becomes a catastrophe! They might tenaciously attack it, until they cause substantial damage to adjacent tissues and create a much more unsightly flaw--but at least they were in-control of that destruction."

I do remember she would tenaciously attack a tiny breakout but her mood swings after getting ready drove me bananas! . Anyone experienced this with their exBPD?

Thanks for your input!

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes.  

A couple of things:

It doesn't matter what and for how long you planned something with someone who has an unstable sense of self, and therefore is emotionally unstable, the emotions of the moment are the reality, so the mood you'll get at the time is a crap shoot.  You probably noticed.

Think abandonment with borderlines, which is where the accusations come from.  "You only kiss me when I wear something short or put makeup on" is code for "I need to make myself physically attractive to you because I'm not good enough for you to stay around otherwise"; she's looking for confirmation in your response, a sign you'll leave her, the perpetual focus.  And that probably has nothing to do with the reality of the situation, but rest assured there is absolutely nothing you could do to allay those fears completely, and it will only get worse.

Take care of you!

[ShadowIntheNight]

Hello 

I remember before any date nights after my uBPDxgf gets ready her mood will flip from nowhere and start blaming/raging and projecting for no reason. She would start saying things like "you only kiss me when I wear something short or put makeup on" or "you always use me as accessory to show me off" or "you never want to stay home".  This is after we planned for the date night for awhile and it never fails. Don't get me wrong but I do give her her space to get ready. She would ruin every date night.

I read the following paragraph from another site:

"It matters not, how brilliant, talented or beautiful your Borderline might be. No amount of reinforcement or affirmation from you or anyone else for that matter, will alter how they regard themselves. All their insecurities and self-loathing are projected onto their veneer when they look in the mirror, and a tiny blemish becomes a catastrophe! They might tenaciously attack it, until they cause substantial damage to adjacent tissues and create a much more unsightly flaw--but at least they were in-control of that destruction."

I do remember she would tenaciously attack a tiny breakout but her mood swings after getting ready drove me bananas! . Anyone experienced this with their exBPD?

Thanks for your input!

I don't remember her saying that to me, but we were together a lot of years and went a lot of places. HOWEVER, she always was telling me that her exH used her as an accessory to show off when they went out. And she said it in an irate manner. She actually used that exact phrase that you typed out! Til I met her, there were a lot of things I had never heard from a person. I think it may have had to do with her not wanting to feel invisible, which is that part of her that is a narcissist.

[Blimblam]

It sounds like she was projecting her insecurity of her fears of engulfment.  She probably felt "smothered," and was acting out in a way to assert her independence and autonomy as an individual. 

[Luckyfella]

Thank you all for your input.

It makes total sense. She would continually test me, and my love/devotion no matter how hard I tried.