Changed my approach for the moment. The result wasn't bad.

[misuniadziubek]

Driving up to see my uBPDbf Friday night and from the get.go it's obvious he's disregulating and it's going to be tough. Before id have left, he's already hung up on me twice. I know why. He's been having troubles with his cars and it's killing his week. I have a choice. I can just not go.

It's a tough day for me already, as I'm exhausted. Was up until 4am finishing work because I need everything sent in by Friday 11:59pm. Am not as communicative with him as he'd like. I'm an avoidant person by nature and that frustrates him, because I don't always let him know what is going on.

So I get in. First comment I get is about my hygiene. Mind you, at this point, I shower and wash my hair right before leaving to see him every time. At his place, I sometimes shower up to three times in a day. I doubt it's good for my skin.

So I get upset for a moment, because after all the effort I put in, it's never enough -wait-. I don't have to be upset about this, . I have choice. I can always take another shower before bed. And the whole issue of smell isn't much my fault. There's only so much I can do. I'm losing weight at the moment and that probably is affecting my body odor.

I tell him pretty much that. Minus not my fault part. I still get more commentary , but true to my word, I shower again before bed.

Then he goes off, passive aggressively, on how last week I left a tea bag out and his roommate found it. More anger. Again after a moment of feeling terrible and taking his words personally while validating and agreeing that it's not something that should happen and that respecting both him and his roommate when it comes to being a guest, I realize again, I can choose to not be upset. I made a mistake but I owned up to it and used SET now that I think about it.

He still continues to send attacks my way during the evening, but each time I analyse the situation and decide not to take it personally. I have work to finish and being upset is waste. I can take him seriously but don't have to take any of it personally.  That is a choice. It's not suppression of emotions, it's picking my battles and doing it rationally.

By the end, he admits himself that his mood is not even probably about me but rather everything falling apart on him.

I got a book recently, how to absolutely refuse to be miserable about anything, and despite not having read a page yet, Ive done just that.

It's a book about rational emotive behavioral therapy and written by Albert Ellis. Ironically, my boyfriend recommended REBT to me a few months back after I had some weird disregulation myself and had a bit of a nervous breakdown. Okay, it wasn't that weird. He'd gone off on me pretty intensely and I wasn't ready for it. I was acting irrational and he recognized it. Because , he's been there.

REBT is the precursor to CBT pretty much. I'm not sure how I read the book through osmosis, though. I might actually read it to see if I'm on track or off my rocker.

Moral of the story? Own your feelings and values, not your partner's.

I came up because I was being compassionate to my partner. He needs me to drive him around and he likes my company, loves me, in fact, but I knew he would be on edge and I decided to help both of us by being the stronger and more grounded and maintaining my boundaries.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hi misundiadziubek,

Love your understanding of this... .

Recognizing and owning that we have choices in situations (whatever that situation is) is Step 1 to a more peaceful life.  We may not like the choices we have... .and they are still choices we make.  Being fully present when we make these choices takes us from victim mentality to empowerment.

Sometimes it takes thousands of words in a book to get a person to understand this concept and sometimes... .real life can teach us best.  Most likely, you'll still learn something from reading the book... .have one of those  moments (or hopefully more than one).

I have a literal library of books on mental health... .sometimes I learned only 1 or 2 things from that book... .and yes, those 1 or 2 things were very valuable and worth the read.

lbj

[formflier]

 

misuniadziubek,

 

Nice work!

It seems that you feel better about the choices you made... and... .after a while... .it seems that he owned some stuff as well... .sort of.

What do you see as the next step from here?  What is the next big... .or TLC (tiny little change) that you are going to try and introduce to the r/s.

Have you ever limited the amount of complaining that you listen to?

[OffRoad]

Nicely done, mis. It great that you were centered enough to do that for you bf. And great that you are capable of owning your own choices.  Is this a totally new tack for you (as in new direction)?

[misuniadziubek]

Nicely done, mis. It great that you were centered enough to do that for you bf. And great that you are capable of owning your own choices.  Is this a totally new tack for you (as in new direction)?

Yes. It's an entirely new direction for me. Up to this point I've been very reactive. Rational usually, but nonetheless a victim of my own emotions. This was just a very recent lightbulb moment for me.

In doing so, I find I  separate my thoughts from facts and see a more objective reality. These little things will be hairline triggers for me for a long time most likely, but this takes practice to build up just like muscle takes time to  strengthen. If I decide this is the person I will be from now on, I give myself the freedom to decide in each moment whether my actions and words are in line with my values. In time, this becomes second nature and is realized as a solid enactment of boundaries.

What do you see as the next step from here?  What is the next big... .or TLC (tiny little change) that you are going to try and introduce to the r/s.

The change I think I need to focus on the most is noticing and being mindful of these triggers. If I can recognize them, I can work through them and make them less powerful. The main reason is that I want to be an equal and stable partner, friend, daughter, whatever in every relationship. The effect is strongest with my uBPDbf because he sees me the most.

What I noticed recently is that my bf only has to slightly provoke me and it's like the light in me instantly turns off and I become a less understanding, validating, open partner and instead turn into someone unhappy with themselves. It's like it's an intrinsic memory that brings me back to a miserable unhappy time in my life and I have trouble seeing the situation as is. If I actively recognize this, I can bring myself back to a calm state and enjoy life again.

I simply want to stop being the person who turns on autopilot every time it rains and becomes depressed.

[an0ught]

Hi misuniadziubek,

Yes. It's an entirely new direction for me. Up to this point I've been very reactive. Rational usually, but nonetheless a victim of my own emotions. This was just a very recent lightbulb moment for me.

I simply want to stop being the person who turns on autopilot every time it rains and becomes depressed.

By being reactive you can be played. You become a calculable piece in his way to sooth himself. In his dysfunctional way to self validate. Him being upset-->upset misuniadziubek-->getting "upset" feedback allowing him to feel somewhat better which is a totally broken way of doing it. The healthy way would be to realize you are upset and work on it yourself. Like you are doing.

The way to break this madness it not to be reactive  If you study boundaries you will see the way they work is taking away his control. Considering your positive experience with trying to be less reactive you may gain something from taking a look at the workshops on boundaries.