No Contact With Restraining Order This Time

[loveoneself]

In August of 2014 I broke up with my abusive partner who I believe is borderline. The backlash of leaving her was almost not worth it but I stood my ground and finally went a month without hearing from her. During month two of n.c. I started receiving texts and phone calls asking if we could "talk"

She informed me that she was seeing someone else and how happy she was. I played it cool and she kept asking me if this bothered me that she was seeing someone. Of course it bothered me that she could move on so quickly while I was such a mess but I held it in. She continued to call and I continued to take her calls. She was sweet as pie and kept pressuring me to meet her and when that did not work she would call me with some self imposed crisis. She tried every angle and eventually I found myself back in her arms again. It was like a drug to me. I felt so relieved to be back with her... .so high... .but I also saw all the same red flags as before but again chose to ignore them. The honeymoon phase was short lived and the abuse started almost instantly. I thought, "I'll just hang in there and give her a chance" every day I did this as my self esteem, my health and my rational thinking suffered. We lasted two months and she physically assaulted me and the police where involved. I now have a restraining order on her for one year. It was validating to have the judge hear me out and grant me the order despite the lies coming from her mouth. It's been 73 days since I have made eye contact with her which was in the lobby of the courthouse.

I am an ex heroin addict clean off the stuff for over 15 years and I have to say that the detox from this relationship is far worse. It consumes me.

I am guilty of self sabotaging behavior such as looking at her F.B. Profile which she changes the profile and background pic from time to time. It is a bad idea that I do this because she is posting deliberate photos intended for me to see to tug at my heart strings. The effect it has on me is one of longing and idealization of what "could be" or "should be" or even "was" in various parts of the relationship. I struggle not to change my profile or background pic to depict any sort of "feeding in" to her. I know she is also looking at my profile. I also know she is a very sick woman and when I am with her she makes me sick as well. I'm trying so hard to move on with my life and heal. I'm seeing a trauma therapist for some possible ptsd I may have as a result of the way I was treated. She raged at the drop of a dime, manipulated my emotions, lied to me, emotionally blackmailed me, physically assaulted me. Why is it so difficult. I feel like part of my heart has been ripped out and I'm dragging it around with me along with a bag of bricks.

[jannieslosthope]

Hi loveoneself,

Gosh, your situation is identical to mine! My husband has BPD. I too got the"look" at the courthouse. I totally understand why you are dealing with things the way you are... .It's because we non BPD's never get true closure. The NCO makes it even more confusing and you may find yourself on facebook or doing the drive by to see if they have moved on to a new victim. It makes perfect sense, and you are not a stalker or crazy, you're a human being that got so twisted by the split personalities in the one you love. I had to delete all his friends off my facebook and block him just so I didn't have the urge to wonder about all the things swirling around in my head. If you disconnect them first it seems to work better than them getting one up on you to hurt you. Take your power back, don't let her determine your worth and you deserve to have someone fight as hard as you do for them. Easier said than done I know, we are in the same boat and our spouses keep stabbing holes in letting us sink further into the madness. But it's the good side we fell in love with and that side is what keeps us hoping for some lightbulb to go off in their head and our relationships would be exactly how we wish they could be. This site really has been helping me. Everyone here knows what it's like, why we stay, why we continue to chase the relationship or fell like somehow we can help fix them so they see that we were probably the best thing to come in their lives. Keep posting, but know I totally validate everything you are saying. I promise the urges will get less over time but don't beat yourself up for being a good, caring partner to your other half. We are intitled to a little insanity after all they put us through. I wish you luck in her finding help and healing and maybe a happy ending that has you guys back together heathy and surviving this awful disorder.

[Take2]

Loveoneself... .  my situation is similar to yours also in that I've pretty traumatized by the abuse from my ex, however I've struggled for a very long time to fully detach - partly because I work with him.  I'm seeing a therapist now to specializes in behavioral addictions and he just had me take a test to determine how much the trauma bonds affect me.  Um.  ALOT.

It's been very helpful for me to learn about the way the brain actually reacts in these situations - WE have been addicted to the drama - even when we didn't realize it.  The constant chaos coming our way - even though it is truly horrible - once the chaos goes away, after a period of time - we start to miss them again.  We think we miss the person - the "good" version of our ex's.  But our brain is basically pushing for another "hit" of attention - and getting ANY attention from them, whether good or bad - satisfies the addiction... .and builds it even stronger... .    this is why NC is KEY.  Because EVENTUALLY, the brain WILL stop reacting like that and rewire itself again to NOT pull us back to these abusive individuals.  The withdrawal from them is painfully brutal.  But it WILL go away. 

Obviously this isn't the situation for everyone here - I think there are lots of folks here who didn't get addicted to their partners - but for some of us, it does happen.  Do what you can to stop looking at her profiles.  I know - so much easier said than done.  I fall back into the longing also when the pain of the withdrawal hits me really hard. 

And even as I logically recognize that my ex was and still is an abusive, angry manipulator, I too struggle with why is it then so difficult to get this person out of my head ?

We'll get there.  Actually it does sound like you have been doing very well with NC.  I think you should go easy on yourself and just keep moving forward... .