My ex has become obese

[JRT]

Fair enough... .but how else could I possibly interpret her actions... .right after the b/u she had an attorney send a threatening letter to me just for trying to contact her the day of the b/u? What other interpretation can I make?

There are other possible interpretations.  How about the one I suggested - that she suffers from a mental illness which includes episodes of extreme emotional dysregulation? That in order to protect herself she is able to dissociate (completely detach from her feelings) to survive?

None of my explanations force you to conclude that someone person who loved you now views you as trash and as having zero worth.

You seem determined to believe that ^

No, not really... .in fact it hurt me greatly to think that. But her actions have spoken otherwise. NOW I think that I am seeing that she is very much hurt by her own actions. I can easily see that is probably confused by what she herself has done, but might feel powerless to do anything to change her situation.

[JRT]

This is closer to the truth JRT, that your fear is that "I was trash and of zero value to her... .that I meant nothing and will never mean anything... ."

It is very doubtful that this fear of yours has any relationship to the reality of the situation.  She loved you, JRT - but she struggles with mental illness, and because of this what SHE needs will always come before what you need. If she needs to run like hell then she's going to run like hell - no matter what the fallout is for you.

I can easily see this... .in fact, it is the most logical (in the entire scheme of things) about this entire episode. It saddens me and prompts my own impulse to help her in some way, but I know that I cannot.

Her GF had IM'd me about her belongings back in January. It was a strange exchange but one of the things that she said was that I 'didn't care'. Of course I did, PROFOUNDLY, but it said a little bit about what she is telling her friends. I suspect that she actually wanted me to dodge the threat of legal action and such... .she wanted me to come and 'save' her... .it doesn't mean that I SHOULD have but I wonder if my unwillingness to do so after the police call was an indication to her that I was finally abandoning her? I was dammed if I did and dammed if I didn't.

Haven't heard anything really similar here: there seems to be a lack of 'exit interviews' with BPD's, . Is this a plausible scenario?

[jhkbuzz]

I understand that her actions were very, very painful to you, as my ex's actions were painful to me. I wouldn't debate that for a second. It is also clear that you are trying to make sense of a nonsensical situation.  I understand your impulse to do so, but you are going to drive yourself mad in the process, because this is the truth: you can't understand a thought disordered person.  You can't. There's no logic.

I've noticed that most of your posts are focused on her, but your healing won't begin unless you begin to focus on yourself.

If your thoughts "hurt you greatly," consider changing your thoughts.

Try this one on for size:  "I fell in love with a woman who suffered from a mental illness. Although I was good to her, and although she loved me, her unstable emotions proved too much for her to deal with and she ran away. I'm sad and she's probably sad too - but I'm strong enough to pick up the pieces of my life and heal."

[JRT]

Its difficult within the context of the internet and this forum to fully understand some things. If I were applying my logic to the situation, then yes; I would go nuts in the attempt. But I have, I think mostly successfully after 6 months, come to understand the 'logic' of the disorder and it has helped me immensely. I think that healing id altogether different for everyone, in my case it is what has helped me along (among other things).

The thing that I need (and I would argue most of the non's here) to focus on regarding myself, is that I conducted myself very well in the r/s and have nothing to be ashamed of at all. While I remain imperfect, I treated her with love and high respect and would have done ANYTHING for her and did do things that were above the and beyond the call of duty. That I could have done absolutely nothing to have effected a different outcome than this one; the final chapter was written before I even met her.

Try this one on for size:  "I fell in love with a woman who suffered from a mental illness. Although I was good to her, and although she loved me, her unstable emotions proved too much for her to deal with and she ran away. I'm sad and she's probably sad too - but I'm strong enough to pick up the pieces of my life and heal."

I think that its different from person to person. As for me, at this stage I have a different point of view: This is hyperbole but I think it translates - if a disordered person walks into my house and shoots me in the head, especially for no fault or provocation of my own (especially if I loved and gave to them of my heart), I can hardly entertain anything but hard feelings towards them forever and I think thats reasonable. With what she had done to me, I can tell you in all seriousness; I WISH that she had shot me instead, it would have been less painful and if I survived, recovery would have been less prolonged and the scar less deep.

[jhkbuzz]

Its difficult within the context of the internet and this forum to fully understand some things. If I were applying my logic to the situation, then yes; I would go nuts in the attempt. But I have, I think mostly successfully after 6 months, come to understand the 'logic' of the disorder and it has helped me immensely. I think that healing id altogether different for everyone, in my case it is what has helped me along (among other things).

There is no "logic" to the disorder, but I think you are trying to say that you've educated yourself about BPD and it has helped you tremendously.  I agree - my healing wouldn't have even begun without that understanding.

The thing that I need (and I would argue most of the non's here) to focus on regarding myself, is that I conducted myself very well in the r/s and have nothing to be ashamed of at all. While I remain imperfect, I treated her with love and high respect and would have done ANYTHING for her and did do things that were above the and beyond the call of duty. That I could have done absolutely nothing to have effected a different outcome than this one; the final chapter was written before I even met her.

I think you're spot on there ^ .  For some reason non's feel a lot of guilt at the end of these r/s's for their natural human flaws - as if these flaws somehow brought about the complete and utter destruction of a r/s that they were very invested in. It's a common fear and it's not the case.  I'm sure you treated her well and loved her very much.  Your treatment of her did not cause her BPD.

Try this one on for size:  "I fell in love with a woman who suffered from a mental illness. Although I was good to her, and although she loved me, her unstable emotions proved too much for her to deal with and she ran away. I'm sad and she's probably sad too - but I'm strong enough to pick up the pieces of my life and heal."

I think that its different from person to person. As for me, at this stage I have a different point of view: This is hyperbole but I think it translates -if a disordered person walks into my house and shoots me in the head, especially for no fault or provocation of my own (especially if I loved and gave to them of my heart), I can hardly entertain anything but hard feelings towards them forever and I think that's reasonable. With what she had done to me, I can tell you in all seriousness; I WISH that she had shot me instead, it would have been less painful and if I survived, recovery would have been less prolonged and the scar less deep.

Ah... .but your "hard feelings" aren't really the problem.  The real problem is that you love/loved her - and that you are see-sawing through your conflicting emotions.  One minute you are fearful that her abrupt discard of you means that "I meant nothing and I will never mean anything" (not only that your r/s in the past meant nothing, but that there is no hope for a future together); the next minute you are so (angry? disgusted? resentful?) that you can "hardly entertain anything but hard feelings towards (her) forever."

I think that you are so involved in trying to figure out her thoughts/motivations/behaviors that you are somewhat out of touch with your own emotions. This is why you need to shift the focus to yourself - because you will have to sort through all of your emotions to begin to heal.

I know everyone does it on their own timetable, and not before.  I'm pulling for you, JRT.

[JRT]

I think that you are so involved in trying to figure out her thoughts/motivations/behaviors that you are somewhat out of touch with your own emotions. This is why you need to shift the focus to yourself - because you will have to sort through all of your emotions to begin to heal.

I know everyone does it on their own timetable, and not before.  I'm pulling for you, JRT.

This is one of those conversation I wish that I could have eyeball to eyeball... .the dichotomy for me is this:

-I am hurt because I feel 'swindled' because I meant nothing to her

-I am hurt because I meant the world to her, she is hurt to be without me and there is nothing that can be done.

I am in touch with my emotions closely, but knowing her motivations impact how I feel (just like if my daughter were to come and give me a hug right now or a freind were to call up to say 'hello', these stimulus make an impact and resoundingly affect how I feel about them.

Thanks for the discourse, it is instrumental to me!

[jhkbuzz]

I think that you are so involved in trying to figure out her thoughts/motivations/behaviors that you are somewhat out of touch with your own emotions. This is why you need to shift the focus to yourself - because you will have to sort through all of your emotions to begin to heal.

I know everyone does it on their own timetable, and not before.  I'm pulling for you, JRT.

This is one of those conversation I wish that I could have eyeball to eyeball... .the dichotomy for me is this:

-I am hurt because I feel 'swindled' because I meant nothing to her

"Swindled" would mean that she purposely deceived you for years during the r/s and you meant nothing to her the entire time.  :)o you really believe this?  Unless she is sociopathic this scenario is highly unlikely.  

The thought that "I meant nothing to her" is YOUR thought, coming out of YOUR brain; you have chosen this single thought - out of a myriad of options - as the explanation for her behavior.  There are many other thoughts that would explain her leaving but you - YOU - have picked this one.  You are stuck because you can't resolve this thought, and you will remain stuck until you "get" that there is indeed another way to view it.  

-I am hurt because I meant the world to her, she is hurt to be without me and there is nothing that can be done.

This one is tough, JRT, but you have to accept that even though she did care for you, she is an adult and has every right to make the choices she has made.  Perhaps the pain of what she has done in her r/s with you will lead her to seek therapy and healing - you never know.  But you can't save her from herself.  If you could these boards wouldn't exist because we would all be off saving our ex's from themselves.



I am in touch with my emotions closely, but knowing her motivations impacts how I feel.  

And this touches on what everyone refers to as giving yourself closure.  You want to know her motivations, but only she can provide that information and she's not talking.  Understanding  BPD is the closest you will get to understanding her motivations.  This is why it's important to be careful about the thoughts you are assuming to be true - you can decide that, in her eyes you are a piece of trash and worth nothing, or you can decide to put what you've learned about BPD to use and say:



"I fell in love with a woman who suffered from a mental illness. Although I was good to her, and although she loved me, her unstable emotions proved too much for her to deal with and she ran away. I'm sad and she's probably sad too - but I'm strong enough to pick up the pieces of my life and heal."

[JRT]

This post is written by jhkbuzz - I accidentally "modified" JRT's post instead of "quoting" it!  

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

The thought that "I meant nothing to her" is YOUR thought, coming out of YOUR brain; you have chosen this single thought - out of a myriad of options - as the explanation for her behavior.  There are many other thoughts that would explain her leaving but you - YOU - have picked this one.  You are stuck because you can't resolve this thought, and you will remain stuck until you "get" that there is indeed another way to view it.

Yes, it IS my thought but it is not coming from my brain, it is coming from her actions.

You are wrong about this - this is what I have been trying to hammer home to you. Her actions are simply her actions; your thoughts are your interpretations of her actions.

Here's the sequence for you:

• Her action: she left.  Your thought (out of many possible options): I must be worth zero and a piece of trash in her eyes.  Your emotional reaction: I'm HURT! How could I be worth so little in the eyes of someone I love?

But because I have resolved my own r/s (with my ex who left me after I found out about her affair), here's the sequence for me:

• Her action: she left.  My thought (out of many possible options): She left because she was emotionally dysregulated and couldn't deal with her deep seated feelings of shame.  My emotional reaction: Wow, this sucks for me - but it sucks even worse for her.

Now, I COULD have inserted different thoughts in place of the above ^  (and I did for a while but I caught myself and changed them.) These are a few of the thoughts I tortured myself with:

• Her action: she left.  My thought (out of many possible options): She never loved me. My emotional reaction: Maybe I'm just inherently unlovable.



• Her action: she left.  My thought (out of many possible options): I'm not good enough. My emotional reaction: Maybe I'll never be good enough for anyone.

Same action from her combined with different thoughts from me lead to different emotional reactions within me. Changing my thoughts about her leaving was the difference between feeling utterly crushed and inherently defective and finally accepting that she has mental health issues that have nothing to do with me. Part of the shift for me included abandoning the thought that the entire situation was completely about me.

And that's the key:  when people advise nons not to take a BPD's actions personally it's for this very reason:  it's not about you. It's not about what you did or didn't do; it's not about the color of your shirt or whether you're a piece of trash or how you brush your teeth or whether or not you're of zero value - it's not about you.  It's all about her and her emotional instability and how she deals with it in a dysfuctional way.  I know this is hard to fathom, but you are not the central character in the story - she is.

-I am hurt because I meant the world to her, she is hurt to be without me and there is nothing that can be done.

This one is tough, JRT, but you have to accept that even though she did care for you, she is an adult and has every right to make the choices she has made.  Perhaps the pain of what she has done in her r/s with you will lead her to seek therapy and healing - you never know.  But you can't save her from herself.  If you could these boards wouldn't exist because we would all be off saving our ex's from themselves.



well I do now... .realizing her depression via her obesity tells me something different that I had concluded previously... .

And you have just illustrated exactly what I'm talking about with the above sentence. You changed your thoughts and it changed your view of the situation.

[JRT]

And you have just illustrated exactly what I'm talking about with the above sentence. You changed your thoughts and it changed your view of the situation.

Sure; I gathered that it is all about her PD. But I still cannot help but to feel devalued by her. And at the end of the day, she holds the gun and I have a bullet in my body, I couldn't take it more personally.

[jhkbuzz]

And you have just illustrated exactly what I'm talking about with the above sentence. You changed your thoughts and it changed your view of the situation.

Sure; I gathered that it is all about her PD. But I still cannot help but to feel devalued by her. And at the end of the day, she holds the gun and I have a bullet in my body, I couldn't take it more personally.

I understand - it's incredibly devaluing. It feels incredibly personal.  I took it VERY personally when my ex decided to have sex with someone else when she was in a r/s with me. But over time I realized I had a choice; to continue to feel as awful as I felt, or to begin to write the story for myself - and that included examining my thoughts and changing them so that I could build meaning from the experience and move forward.

It takes time, I know.  

[JRT]

I'm glad that you were able to do so,

[jhkbuzz]

I'm glad that you were able to do so

You'll get there, JRT - you will. You're doing the hard work.

And I don't want to fool you: I can still have some rough days here and there.  It is very, very hard and sad to be discarded by someone you love.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

My hope is that our conversations today have given you a slightly different way to look at things.  I hope at least some of it has helped.  

[Grey Kitty]

I'm glad that you were able to do so,

 I just want to say that it is possible--I've been through something similar.

I just said to a friend that I was feeling better... .and I hope to never have as hard a time as the last six months I went through were.

They started with me heading to a lonely boatyard where I don't have friends to work on my boat... .and my wife not wanting to be doing such things, and going to another town for a little while... .planning to stay with a friend. The night she got in, we had this phone conversation:

Wife: I kissed the guy... .and there were fireworks.

GK: I'm not OK with that.

Wife: I'm not going to stop kissing him.

GK: I'm not OK with that.

Within the week, she was telling me she was going to have sex with him... .and was mad at me for not being happy for her about it! Within two weeks, she did it.

It has been a loong journey for me... in Jan/Feb, she stayed in a place about an hour from me, and we went to MC sessions. The final session, the MC shook our hands, thanked us... .and didn't suggest any 'homework' or that we make another appointment.

By that time she'd told me that she didn't want to be in a romantic r/s with me, didn't want to kiss me, didn't want to be naked around me, didn't want to have sex with me.

About a month ago, she got the last of her things off of our boat. I'm LC with her, as we haven't divided up a bunch of other stuff yet.

I'm incredibly fortunate that my wife is higher functioning and more self-aware than almost any here. When she left, she told me that it wasn't about me, it was about her. That she can't be in a relationship (with me). She even said she didn't want to be in any r/s, so she could deal with her own issues... .but I'm not sure how long she will hold to that one... .and while I still care about her, I'm not letting myself get sucked into it--it really isn't my affair who she's involved with or what she's doing romantically now.

'Tho I'll need to heal some more before I can hear about it without feeling pretty crappy about it. I was pretty pissed when she just 'happened' to drop a bit of information about the guy she cheated on me with... .a backhanded way of telling me that she decided to resume contact with him. Last fall I had told her that cutting all contact with him was a prerequisite for reconciliation with me. Like jhkbuzz, I still have some tough days.

I've spent the last six months learning to feel some of the most painful things I've ever felt in my life. And now I see that I am stronger and wiser for it, if not happier (yet!)

 JRT, if you keep doing the hard work, you will get there someday as well.

 GK

[jhkbuzz]

"I've spent the last six months learning to feel some of the most painful things I've ever felt in my life. And now I see that I am stronger and wiser for it, if not happier (yet!)"

 

[Grey Kitty]

"I've spent the last six months learning to feel some of the most painful things I've ever felt in my life. And now I see that I am stronger and wiser for it, if not happier (yet!)"

 

I should clarify--I'm not yet feeling happier than I was before this all hit six months ago. I *AM* a lot happier than I was during much of these six months!

[hurting300]

Thanks for your input everyone, as always.

This development took me a bit by surprise. When I first met her, she was paying for workouts with a personal trainer and her weight was not a problem. During our r/s, she gained weight but I really didn't care. Post b/u, I figured that she would return to the workout regime but clearly this didn't happen and in fact. She really wasn't doing anything athletic for a long time but this weight gain shows that not only is she still not exercising, but that she has been turning to food as a solace. This was referenced in 'Eggshells' but for one reason or the next, I figured that she would return to working out.

The real surprise to me is not the food nor the weight gain as those are only manifestations of the unhealthy way that she is dealing with this episode and coping.  Did I say 'coping'? She did the breaking up with me (in the most of cruel ways). She is the one that blocked me from contact. She is the one that called the cops and lawyers as I was 'stalking' her. She is the one that is so upset at the very thought of seeing, hearing or any form of communication with me that she would prefer that her family heirlooms that I have been trying to return be thrown in the garbage. Her coping this way seems to be a disconnect with her actions. What is she so depressed about? I thought that they just find a new supply after we are discarded and happily move on without so much as a mere mention? I am VERY confused!

This tells me that although I was split, painted black and discarded, apparently the relationship meant something to her... .it looks like it meant a LOT to her. So what kind of person does this kind of thing where they break up and then they are the ones depressed? This is a new on on me.

Happy, if I am correct in my assumption about her magnitude of caring about our relationship, this really changes a big chunk of my understanding of, at least, my r/s with a BPD. Although it might be something else that is causing the depression and weight gain apart from me and the r/s, her dealing with it in this unhealthy way tells me that she is DEALING with it. It also changes my understanding of what she felt about the r/s that is not altogether consistent with pwBPD in general. It seems as if I was not a random host that she attached to; I meant something to her and she is grieving. It makes me feel a bit better. Does this all make sense?

if your ex suddenly disappeared as in not telling you ANYTHING just up and left like mine did. She can not get you for stalking. Because anything could have happened.

[JRT]

 JRT, if you keep doing the hard work, you will get there someday as well.

 GK

Thanks GK... I'm pretty close to being there... .the pain is gone... .the curiosity is still there about what happened.

[JRT]

"I've spent the last six months learning to feel some of the most painful things I've ever felt in my life. And now I see that I am stronger and wiser for it, if not happier (yet!)"

 

I should clarify--I'm not yet feeling happier than I was before this all hit six months ago. I *AM* a lot happier than I was during much of these six months!

I am very glad... .let me know if there is anything that I can do for you!

[JRT]

if your ex suddenly disappeared as in not telling you ANYTHING just up and left like mine did. She can not get you for stalking. Because anything could have happened.

That is true... there are many legal tests to stalking and conditions that must be met including the the presence or threat of violence, typically. She could have never had a PPO approved by any judge that is fair minded. I actually think that she knew that I knew that and expected me to defy the threat of legal action - I relay think that she wanted me to chase after her and go through hell to do it (based on some things she had told me during our r/s).

[ShadowIntheNight]

if your ex suddenly disappeared as in not telling you ANYTHING just up and left like mine did. She can not get you for stalking. Because anything could have happened.

That is true... there are many legal tests to stalking and conditions that must be met including the the presence or threat of violence, typically. She could have never had a PPO approved by any judge that is fair minded. I actually think that she knew that I knew that and expected me to defy the threat of legal action - I relay think that she wanted me to chase after her and go through hell to do it (based on some things she had told me during our r/s).

I wonder that about my ex as well JRT. Several years ago she did something where we didn't speak for a few days b/c of an issue with her, I asked her what did you think when i didn't call. Her response was "I figured you just didn't care about me." Now there was no indication of me not caring for her at any time in our relationship. I never said such a thing or even gave visual hints of such a thing. But that is where her mind went. I think we had been together about 5 yrs or so when that happened.

But I also think she wasn't expecting me to let her have it when she did what she did last August. I really wonder if she expected me to cry and beg instead of doing what I did. I also have only contacted her once. No texts, no calls, nothing. She pulled something similar 4 yrs ago, but not to this extent. I told her then if it happened again we were through. If I can't mean what I say or do, look at what she gets away with and how I diminish myself as a person. It's killing me, but I do have to stand up for myself. I deserve that little bit no matter the pain.

[JRT]

Shadow... .

I wonder as well... .I had a strange IM with one of her GF's in January (long story)... .but during the chat, her GF insisted that I didn't care about my exBPDfiance... .If it were this and this alone, I would say to self, 'JRT, you NEED to figure out how to get a hold of her and see if there is any remote possibility to salvage this r/s, personality disorder or not' As it would be a pretty clear signal of what was going though her head about abandonment and me chasing her (I am not entirely above that).

But when I consider the call from the cops, the letter from the lawyer, her refusal to pick up her things, the long letter I wrote her back in December that she returned unopened and the Xmas card that I sent her; subtle hints that my door was still open responded to with brutal and disproportional force that hers was not, it just doesn't reconcile. Especially knowing, now, that she is depressed and overeating (to cope with my 'abandonment' of her); it almost seems like there is a crazy force that is working hard (and losing) against a sane and hurt force that misses and needs me. Makes me sad to think about... .

[Mutt]

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