I dont wont to be a parking validation machine...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi Folks,

First off understand your source - there could be a tinge of my own anger linked to this post due to processing the actions and behaviours of my DXBPDSTBx - as well as fair degree of remorse for not being the boundary sentinel i need to be.

i have read here and in other spots - it has taught me that endless streams of validation is the only way to deal with the BPDs in our life.  when i learned about the illness and what i was experiencing was not me "going crazy" i was elated that this was a thing and not just something happening to me.  WHen i learned about how validation is the life blood of the borderline and by effectively dishing it out it could help control some of their behaviors. 

I dont want to.

I dont want to be an everlasting fountain of validation - thats receives none back and usually just the opposite - her projections and bottomless neediness.

I can understand the technique and laud its validity when needed - but forever?

My children 7 and 5 cannot understand this technique to protect themselves... .in fact - they need the fountain of validation - its part of my job as a parent to provide it  - its pretty much the main job of being a parent/human with offspring. 

I guess i cant come to the radical acceptance necessary to provide this - and must embark on the other path which is extreme short term pain to provide for long term stability. 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Stylianos]

Hi Folks,

First off understand your source - there could be a tinge of my own anger linked to this post due to processing the actions and behaviours of my DXBPDSTBx - as well as fair degree of remorse for not being the boundary sentinel i need to be.

i have read here and in other spots - it has taught me that endless streams of validation is the only way to deal with the BPDs in our life.  when i learned about the illness and what i was experiencing was not me "going crazy" i was elated that this was a thing and not just something happening to me.  WHen i learned about how validation is the life blood of the borderline and by effectively dishing it out it could help control some of their behaviors. 

I dont want to.

I dont want to be an everlasting fountain of validation - thats receives none back and usually just the opposite - her projections and bottomless neediness.

I can understand the technique and laud its validity when needed - but forever?

My children 7 and 5 cannot understand this technique to protect themselves... .in fact - they need the fountain of validation - its part of my job as a parent to provide it  - its pretty much the main job of being a parent/human with offspring. 

I guess i cant come to the radical acceptance necessary to provide this - and must embark on the other path which is extreme short term pain to provide for long term stability. 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Michelle27]

Wow.  This is something I struggle with all the time.  I thought I was entering a normal, fulfilling relationship and I know that I deserve that.  Like you, finding out about BPD was like fireworks going off in my brain... .all of sudden I had an answer to the craziness in my marriage.  Now, however, I've become somewhat jaded.  I actually do want a normal relationship, first with him, but if I can't, I don't know how I see my future looking.  We're just beginning a therapeutic separation now and I really need to process this while he works on his own issues and we can both heal.

[Stylianos]

Michelle,

On some levels it has to do with frustration and simmering resentments... .

The code of validation means they can not be aired unless sandwhiched between gold stars.

Speaking candidly is out - and i have no problem working on my diplomatic skills to bridge a gap or to resolve conflict - but i dont think i can be a full time therapeutic counselor 24 hours a day.  Especially with nothing but hot fire coming back at all times.

Ive made some realizations in this deal - one is i am susceptible to BPD stuff - meaning i attracted one and thought their behavior was ok for me - as the behavior got worse i let it happen.  2 is my kids did not sign up for this... .so its my job to keep em clear.

good luck

[Michelle27]

Michelle,

On some levels it has to do with frustration and simmering resentments... .

The code of validation means they can not be aired unless sandwhiched between gold stars.

Speaking candidly is out - and i have no problem working on my diplomatic skills to bridge a gap or to resolve conflict - but i dont think i can be a full time therapeutic counselor 24 hours a day.  Especially with nothing but hot fire coming back at all times.

Ive made some realizations in this deal - one is i am susceptible to BPD stuff - meaning i attracted one and thought their behavior was ok for me - as the behavior got worse i let it happen.  2 is my kids did not sign up for this... .so its my job to keep em clear.

good luck

Well said.  I too had to realize that my own issues put me in this position.  That my first marriage was abusive but in a different way (physical mostly) and that despite 7 years where things were good, here I am in another abusive marriage (mostly emotional/verbal).  Taking a stand for myself and insisting on this separation in order to heal and let him heal has been so empowering.  Despite being separated at the moment, this is the most hope I've ever had that maybe, just maybe, we can make it.