Older sister psychiatric nurse

[Rosetta]

My sister seems to be BPD.She bullied me as a child and as adults she has treated me in bizarre or angry ways.At the same time she can be the nicest person you'd ever meet.

Over the years I have dealt with her by running away or agreeing or becoming angry when she goads me.Whenever I do stand up to her she turns it around and says it's me or I have a mental illness

She abused ,bullied ,or was very impatient with our mother frequently with the result that she always got her way.As our mother was scared of her or scared of loosing her love.

All these problems came to a head when our mother became ill and died within 2 weeks.(I won't go into the details of her behaviour then as too complicated)

We were both trustees but she illegally took over.

The problem was and is that we have many friends in common (she became close friends with my ex )and she doesn't treat them the way she treats me.so it's hard for people to understand .She is a psychiatric nurse so is doubly good at turning it around and making you feel like it's your fault.She has made trouble for me in the past when she's been having problems but says it's me who needs help.

She also miss remembers,flies into a rage and makes a small problem gigantic.

After our mother died she stopped talking to me as I could not take her behaviour anymore .

People are amazed as they think we are close.Or they think it was grief(it was partly)

Or just that we are very different.

So more recently we have been getting on.

As long as I steer the conversation away from the past.

My biggest problem is just recently she flew into a rage(over an object that is mine that she now says is hers) I tried to deal with it calmly and logically.

I find I'm still thinking about it,and the resentments I have towards her and then everything she's ever done.

When she turns into the monster my stomach churns and I almost have a panic attack.

I hate feeling like this.I want to move on with my life and not be obsessed with her. And forgive her.

I also worry about her as she can be so impulsive and downright dangerous

I can see that I have become more fearful and cautious possibly because of her.

She is 62, I am. 57.

I fluctuate between not wanting to know her and then missing her.As I said she can be extremely kind,but I think she would be called High Maintenance .

I can't be the one to encourage her to get counselling

She works 2 days a week as a psych nurse at the jail where she deals with people who have done horrendous things.Shes been working there for a long time.

She quite often displays more sympathy for the inmates than her friends and family.

Even though she hadn't done anything for months I feel completty drained by the experience and seem to be unable to shrug it off.

I started looking for help on the net which made me wonder if she is undiagonosed Bpd.

I've never written  to a forum before.Thanks for your time

[Linda Maria]

Hi Rosetta!  Sorry to hear about your difficulties with your sis.  I have an older uBPDsis (I'm 52 she is 53), we are both adopted, and have known we are all our lives.  My sis turned on me spectacularly after my Mum died 2 years ago and I have been painted black ever since, the scale and vileness of the hate campaign that was launched against me was unbelievable.  It has been a nightmare, as we had to sort my Mum's estate out - which has been hell because of her terrible behaviour.  Still not quite there, but largely use third parties, mainly solicitors, which has cost me a fortune, but has saved my mental health.  I am lucky in that there is no other family of origin for her to turn against me, and the few very precious mutual family friends we have, have realised where the problem lies.  But I was only able to get any sort of normal life back when I went NC as far as was possible - I absolutely cannot have this nightmare of abuse in my life.  With my uBPDsis I am now completely black, and eventually, everyone she deals with is painted black, as soon as they stop saying what she wants to hear, however innocently, and even when they are trying to help her.  So - not sure it helps, but just know that you are not alone, and many people here will totally relate to what you're going through.  If you don't wish to go NC, maybe LC with very firm boundaries, so that eventually she will realise you won't tolerate the behaviours.  Once I stopped responding to my uBPDsis' nasty texts and letters, and stopped trying to make things ok, and let things go, once she realised she had to deal with my solicitor and not me, and she wasn't getting the reactions, she did leave me alone for quite a while.  Once other people who had to deal with her realised what it was like - it really exposed it for what it was - and it made me feel a lot better, as I knew then it wasn't me.  Unless other people are forced into experiencing it, they don't understand, and even if they suspect where the problem lies, they just don't want to know, because they don't want to have to deal with it.  But until it is really exposed, people just don't realise.  Anyway, not sure any of that helped - but it helped me to have a vent!  I wish you well, keep posting.

[MKG1015]

Hi Rosetta-

I clicked on this thread b/c my mother is BPD AND also a psychiatric nurse. It's hard to deal with someone who knows the ins and outs of mental illness yet doesn't recognize them in herself. My mother recently "diagnosed" my new boss with BPD (i actually agree with her), but it was oddly funny to hear her list all of the traits of a BPD and how my boss fits them. I sat there with my mouth open thinking "how can you 'diagnose' this is everyone but yourself? You are describing YOU!"

A BPD armed with a psychiatric background is a Master Manipulator.

Even though she hadn't done anything for months I feel completty drained by the experience and seem to be unable to shrug it off.

We all know how that feels. BPD's suck us dry. I'm exhausted after every single phone call with my mother. It's a roller coaster and all I want to do is get off.

Hang in there!