I blew it... again

[Rockylove]

I'll admit it... .I had too much to drink and spoke my mind.  Bad idea all the way around.  We fought.  Now he says I'm toxic and he wants me out of his life.  I told him I wasn't giving up on us.  He said it's too late.  I don't know if this will blow over or not.  sigh

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[KateCat]

Rocky, you've been such a trooper!

Is it a full six months now since his stroke? (I seem to remember from my mother-in-law's stroke that that is a significant medical date when measuring and predicting stroke recovery.)

Maybe time for both of you to assess future understandings and arrangements . . . after the current crisis dies down, of course?

Have you been able to meet with any social or health workers locally to find out what kind of services might be available to give both of you respite?

[Mike-X]

I'll admit it... .I had too much to drink and spoke my mind.  Bad idea all the way around.  We fought.  Now he says I'm toxic and he wants me out of his life.  I told him I wasn't giving up on us.  He said it's too late.  I don't know if this will blow over or not.  sigh

Can you provide more details on what you mean by 'spoke your mind'? Have you considered how you might have handled it better? Is it that you are having to walk on eggshells when expressing yourself, or are you thinking that you didn't  express yourself in a relationship-positive way?

[Michelle27]

No, you did not "blow it".  I am only now realizing how unhealthy it is to NOT be able to say how we feel. 

[Rockylove]

Can you provide more details on what you mean by 'spoke your mind'? Have you considered how you might have handled it better? Is it that you are having to walk on eggshells when expressing yourself, or are you thinking that you didn't  express yourself in a relationship-positive way?

To be more specific, I told him that he created a lot of work for me by not doing things prior to his stroke.  That went over like a lead balloon.  I tried to explain that I was still under tremendous stress but by then we were yelling and stupid stuff flies out of both our mouths.  He told me to leave, I told him no, he ended up saying he'll sell the house.  I told him fine... .go ahead but do it now. 

It's not necessarily what was said at that time that started the fight.  It was my mood throughout the day.  He'd made a comment about his friend helping him with his arm exercise because I don't do it.  I'm exhausted most of the time and when I had tried to help him, he yelled at me for not doing it his way (which is not the way the PT said to do it) so I just gave up.  After having a crumby day, I drank too much wine which made me 10 ft tall and bullet proof.  I felt very unappreciated for my efforts and the result was like a volcano erupting.  I took things away from him... .his laptop, ipad, cane (yes... .I did) and the bed handle.  I wanted him to feel MY pain.  He took so much from me I wanted revenge! 

In answer to your question... .Have I considered how I might have handled it better?  Heck yeah!  I could have not had that 4th glass of wine and kept my mouth shut and gone to bed.  I know better than to engage in this type of banter.  Lesson learned?  The jury is still out.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Rockylove,

I am sorry that this has happened.   

It is normal to feel angry and stressed out. Even the most calm and collected people have moments when they feel overwhelmed. It happens when we have so many emotions bottled up, sometimes we can explode. Don't be hard on yourself, no one is perfect.   

As you know pwBPD's emotions/feelings change on a whim. What might upset him yesterday, may not today. 

Have you had a similar situation like this before?

[DyingLove]

No, you did not "blow it".  I am only now realizing how unhealthy it is to NOT be able to say how we feel. 

This is EXACTLY how I feel about it.  We gotta blow on occasion. It sucks to walk on eggshells all the time.  How do we get THEM to walk eggshells over us!  It isn't healthy to hold it in, and regardless of how we are supposed to tiptoe around them, we gotta sometimes just say F it.

Rockylove is a big influence in my life... .and the crap I'm going thru... .she is definitely allowed to be a human anytime she needs too!  Kudos to Rockylove... .as well as plenty of love!

[Oooohm]

Sometimes the act of "Loosing it" can be cathartic.  Regardless of wether or not he "hears you".

We all know BPD comes from arrested development as a child... . Mostly when a child is forced to "simmer in his/hers own juices", allowed to develop skewed and maladjusted "Schemas".  We NONs can't (and shouldn't) go long periods of time with the fake smile plastered on our faces... ."simmering in OUR own juices" without some sort of release, therapy, introspection, hell... .even punching a heavy bag,  we risk "Falling down the rabbit hole" along with our BPD SO.

This is a marathon not a sprint. We are human... .not perfect. Don't beat yourself up for the occasional slip.

What kind of wine?  Just started getting into wine (Over Beer) myself.

[sweetheart]

Hi Rockylove,

I live in the UK and appreciate our healthcare systems differ, but when my father had a stroke my mum asked for help with things at home. She was drowning under the pressure when this happened and he didn't have BPD or any other complications.

It sounds like some additional daily nursing/general housekeeping help might alleviate some of the stress for you both. Is this a possibility could this be something you could access privately or otherwise ? Who is there to signpost you to services? Support groups etc ?

Remember you are dealing with BPD issues and all that a stroke brings to this as well. What needs not to happen is for you to burn out, not for your husband, but for you. Use what happened as a warning indicator of understandably where your stress levels are.

How can you prevent things from escalating like this again, wine aside  ?

[ColdEthyl]

Rockylove, I 'blow it' from time to time as well. I get frustrated and just flat out tired, and my mouth becomes a tyrant. I don't see it as a problem as much as I used to. I think it's good for him to hear how I feel, too, even if he isn't willing/can't accept it... .he does hear me.

Lately, when we have had a disagreement, he's been acknowledging his end of things. For an example, the other night he had a bag of trail mix on his lap, and he was sorting it to get the M & M's out for my brother because he doesn't like them. It was a nice thing he was doing. Our dog was scooting closer and closer to him since he had food, and his paw his the plate and he spilled some.

At the time, I was on my laptop and I was reading an article and I didn't hear him when he said "Help me!" He says he said help 3 times... .I guarantee he didn't he probably said it once, but what he did say that I heard was "Fine! Don't help me just ignore me and keep typing!" (I wasn't typing) I snapped off on him because his anger put me on the defensive right away. If he's on the computer, I don't interrupt him because if I do... .ooh OH OH!

So, I snapped off and said something... can't recall but it wasn't productive. We started going back and forth... .and once I calmed myself down a bit, I told him I was sorry for snapping, I felt attacked. I didn't hear him, and I would have helped him if i heard him. (the whole argument he was making it sound like I refused to help him, but he would drop EVERYTHING if I needed help)

After I said that, he said he was sorry, he realizes now that what I first heard was the anger, and he understood that's why I snapped.

The more I have been explaining how I feel... .in a way that doesn't make him FEEL like I am blaming him... .the more he is owning up to his end of things, and starting to see what he is doing. The arguments are getting less and less heated, shorter in duration, and he's really stopped that name calling.

With that being said... .I just wanted you to know you are not alone <3 I am still trying to practice saying how I feel in a healthy way for both of us.

[Mike-X]

To be more specific, I told him that he created a lot of work for me by not doing things prior to his stroke.  That went over like a lead balloon.  I tried to explain that I was still under tremendous stress but by then we were yelling and stupid stuff flies out of both our mouths.  He told me to leave, I told him no, he ended up saying he'll sell the house.  I told him fine... .go ahead but do it now. 

It's not necessarily what was said at that time that started the fight.  It was my mood throughout the day.  He'd made a comment about his friend helping him with his arm exercise because I don't do it.  I'm exhausted most of the time and when I had tried to help him, he yelled at me for not doing it his way (which is not the way the PT said to do it) so I just gave up.  After having a crumby day, I drank too much wine which made me 10 ft tall and bullet proof.  I felt very unappreciated for my efforts and the result was like a volcano erupting.  I took things away from him... .his laptop, ipad, cane (yes... .I did) and the bed handle.  I wanted him to feel MY pain.  He took so much from me I wanted revenge! 

In answer to your question... .Have I considered how I might have handled it better?  Heck yeah!  I could have not had that 4th glass of wine and kept my mouth shut and gone to bed.  I know better than to engage in this type of banter.  Lesson learned?  The jury is still out.

Thanks. I agree with others that there is no need to 'beat yourself up' over an argument. It sounds like typical argument escalation that occurs between couples and people having to share space, work together, etc., and it sounds like you feel remorseful and recognized several things that you might need to be more mindful of in the future. Aside from limiting wine intake at least when you know you have to interact with your SO , are you saying (and please forgive me if I am wrong) that the deeper issues contributing to your frustration are related to your FOG and your wanting validation/respect for all that you are doing?

[Rockylove]

Thank you all so much for the encouragement.  I'm feeling so down today.  He has been trying to use the regular cane (I bought) because the quad cane (which I took away last night) was given to us/him from my sister and so he says he won't use it because it isn't his.  I tried to bring it to him and he pushed it away (whacking me across the shins which resulted in a huge purple knot) saying it wasn't his.  He didn't object to taking a shower with the shower seat from my sister though. 

Everything he does is so passive-aggressive and to tell anyone I lost it over the damned lawn mower rusting in the yard makes me sound like a spoiled fool.  He's trying to be Mr Independent now and he's going to get himself hurt.  He really isn't physically stable enough to do it.  Of course he doesn't understand that I'm concerned for his safety.  UGH!  I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out again.