Unknowingly overcompensating for months of criticism

[misuniadziubek]

Sudden realization today regarding my own behavior.

I buy my uBPDbf a lot of really nice clothes. I like his style and he's really picky, so when I find something that I know he's going to really like at a reasonable price, I buy it for him. I'm responsible for about 40% of his nicest t-shirts and sweaters.

Today I was with him at his job and a customer piped up that they really liked the hoodie he was wearing. It was the one I bought him just two weeks ago.

And I happily confirm that I bought that for him.

He got visibly annoyed once the customer left. Said that I'm always on his case about things. That I always have to take credit for everything and it's annoying AF.

To me? I'm ridiculously happy when I find something for him that's visually pleasing because I know he likes to be center of attention over nice things. Just like my mom. Lol.

The reason why I take credit publicly is my own need to prove that I'm worth something after such a long time of being called useless and dumb and so on every time he is unhappy or deregulating. My self esteem has taken a hit without me realizing it. And so I do things that prove otherwise, that I'm of use in his life.

It's irrational. It's silly. But it's true.

Realizing this left me going off in tears. They were good tears, because as silly as overcompensating like that is, it's a part of how I dealt with his incessant criticisms, and realizing it means better integration of my own emotions.

He's annoyed by it. Because by taking credit, I'm taking away from his own self worth. No matter how impervious he pretends to be, he's a lot more sensitive than I'll ever be. He wants people to see him as someone grandiose . I hit a nerve.

I don't know if I should explain to him why i be previously done that. Because there's a chance he will invalidate my emotions. I don't really want that.

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[LilMe]

I am so sorry that you were hurt, but happy that you were able to better understand yourself from the experience.  I do not believe it is irrational or silly at all!  I am sure many of us here understand the 'months' (or in many cases 'years' of crazy criticisms :^(  Personally, I wouldn't try to explain it to my pwBPD.  But you know your pwBPD best.  Some things I can communicate at certain times on the upside of the cycle; some things are best left uncommunicated.  Instead, try to find ways to boost your esteem that do not involve him :^)  It is hard, but in any relationship, you can change yourself, but you cannot change the other person.

[misuniadziubek]

I am so sorry that you were hurt, but happy that you were able to better understand yourself from the experience.  I do not believe it is irrational or silly at all!  I am sure many of us here understand the 'months' (or in many cases 'years' of crazy criticisms :^(  Personally, I wouldn't try to explain it to my pwBPD.  But you know your pwBPD best.  Some things I can communicate at certain times on the upside of the cycle; some things are best left uncommunicated.  Instead, try to find ways to boost your esteem that do not involve him :^)  It is hard, but in any relationship, you can change yourself, but you cannot change the other person.

Thank you.

As I said, it was a really emotionally charged realization and I had to leave my bf to not cry in front of him.

Months of criticism from my bf. Years of critiscsm from my NPD mom. I kind of traded one for the other.

I don't think it's irrational or silly, per say. It's just the fact that I don't -actually- need to do this. I don't need to prove my worth or value. Im perfectly fine as I am. I don't have to feel useful to feel worthy of being loved. That is an irrational belief for a fact.

It comes from my own fears of abandonment. He's threatened our relationship to be over so many times in the past as an expression of his frustration with me, but really himself and his inability to be happy in any relationship. If I'm of value, he'll want to stay?

So anyways. I had not decided on whether I'd tell my bf or not but in the end the opportunity presented itself.

I was telling him how I'm not really that possessive or jealous of him.

He called me on that by using that very situation as an example. That when he gets a compliment, I jump to take credit, to show that I'm his gf, that we're together.

I explained that it was nothing to do with jealousy or being possessive but as a confirmation that I'm useful to his life. He was genuinely surprised and asked if that is really what I think?

I told him that even though I no longer believe that, I got into the habit months into the relationship and never realised what I was doing.

He told me that he doesn't need a useful girlfriend. All he needs is someone he can feel close to, that won't get angry with him and say hurtful things, someone that makes him happy and keeps him company.