How to convince BPD daughter she needs help

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi - My grown up daughter( mid 30s)  has shown signs of BPD for many years, but it's only recently I have learned the cause of her frequent rages. She has had 2 long term relationships, and since the last one broke down, her outburts have become more frequent. Another family member is a doctor, & suggested that BPD may be the cause, and on reading up, I am convinced that's the case. I am generally the focus of her rages (or on the highest pedestal)- which I now know is due to 'splitting'-  & I feel if anyone is to lead her to get support, then it's probably down to me. Her father & I divorced many years ago, & with hindsight, I believe he was BPD too. She is high functioning, & has successfully held down a job, but I believe she has problems dealing with money. Her brother(who cares very much about her too) is married with a child, & this is a bone of contention too. When not raging, she is a very kind, thoughtful, and bright person, but is alienating people with her negative opinions.

Any thoughts on  how to make progress?

[jaytee55]

Hi - My grown up daughter( mid 30s)  has shown signs of BPD for many years, but it's only recently I have learned the cause of her frequent rages. She has had 2 long term relationships, and since the last one broke down, her outburts have become more frequent. Another family member is a doctor, & suggested that BPD may be the cause, and on reading up, I am convinced that's the case. I am generally the focus of her rages (or on the highest pedestal)- which I now know is due to 'splitting'-  & I feel if anyone is to lead her to get support, then it's probably down to me. Her father & I divorced many years ago, & with hindsight, I believe he was BPD too. She is high functioning, & has successfully held down a job, but I believe she has problems dealing with money. Her brother(who cares very much about her too) is married with a child, & this is a bone of contention too. When not raging, she is a very kind, thoughtful, and bright person, but is alienating people with her negative opinions.

Any thoughts on  how to make progress?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, jaytee55 &

I'm so sorry that your daughter is having problems, and that her behaviors are causing you so much concern and sadness... . I'm sure that dealing with her disorder is also confusing at times, too. I have an adult (38) son who was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago, and though his problems were often tragic and horrible (he suffered from a multi-year Heroin addiction just prior to diagnosis and treatment), once he was diagnosed and treated things got better.

I can tell you that learning about BPD (for my son and for me) and figuring out how his mind works, and then putting into practice the communication tools & techniques listed in the TOOLS on the right-hand side of this page, really ended up making things better for him, myself, and our whole family. I really would like to recommend that you check those links out, and also THE LESSONS linked to on the right side of this page.

I can't tell you strongly enough how much learning all of those things helped me to help my son in his recovery (from drug addiction and also his BPD). He really is doing very well now; he is more than 2 years clean and sober from his addiction, and is much better with handling his BPD "episodes", to the point that he doesn't really have them anymore, actually.

Does your daughter live with you? If not, do you see her very often? Is she in a romantic relationship at this time? What does she do that troubles her--and you? Does she realize that she has a problem, and would she seek help for it? We have a series of Feature Articles, located under the 4 photos at the top of this Board's thread listing page (and you can also find them here: When a teen or adult child has BPD). One of those articles is titled: How to get a Borderline into Therapy, and I think it would be particularly helpful for you to read... . The title is "clickable" and will take you to that information. I highly recommend it to you for a good primer as to helping your daughter make progress.

I'm very happy you found us, jaytee55, and want you to know that we all know exactly what you are going through, and want to help... . Please tell us more of your story, read all you can on this site, and ask us your questions. We are here for you  

[livednlearned]

Hi jaytee55,

I'm glad you found the site. Welcome!

I have pretty much the same questions as Rapt Reader, and was curious if you found any tools/skills to be particularly useful as you learn about BPD. It's wonderful that your son cares for his sister and loves her -- do they have a good relationship?

[jaytee55]

Hello,

Thanks for your replies. Much appreciated.

My daughter has lived alone (but close by) since breaking up with her second long term partner over a year ago. During this time, her BPD' traits have become more apparent. She & her brother are close, & share their frustration over their relationship, with their father, my ex- husband, who I now believe hasBPD traits also.

My daughter alluded recently to having a counsellor, and is practising a form of mindfulness, so she clearly does know she has problems, but the focus seems to be on building her own self esteem (also very much needed), but in a way it seems counter productive to her building up positive RELATIONSHIPS.

Although the BPD skills I have learned so far have been very productive, I have been unable to ask my daughter about the nature of her counselling, and I would so like to steer her gently towards a more appropriate and helpful style of therapy. She's doing a good job of 'putting a brave face ' on things, but from little things she says in passing, I know all is not well with her.I would really like to hear about ways that others have successfully managed to steer their BPD

offspring into therapy, with positive outcomes.

Thank you!

[lbjnltx]

Hi jaytee55 

I wanted to pop in and say Hi and I'm glad you are here!

I noticed that you referred to your daughter's therapy as practicing mindfulness.

Triggering, mindfulness and wisemind

DBT

I hope this helps. 

lbjnltx