What now?

[Confusedandhurt75]

Hi. Ive resently had a romantic relationship with an undiagnosed BPD person (female). The relationship lasted for 11 months before she left in rage. 3 months ago we decided two move in together in the summer and thats when things started to change. She started recenting me, get angry outburst for no apparent reason, accusing me of cheating etc etc. I really didnt understand what was happening until after when i talked to a friend who had a relationship with a BPD person. When i started google everything came wery clear. The article here, "How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves" is a copy of our relationship. Everything is there. To complicate things even more we were friends for ten years before this and i never noticed anything more than that she is a "free spirit". She has lived a very kaotic life with many boyfriends (never lasting more than a year), moved around, changed jobs etc. History of eating problems, financial problems, depression, alkoholic father etc. She fits 7 of the 9 criteria (no suicide attemps and no cutting) She is good at work and works well in "public". This has left me very hurt, lost and empty. Im also pretty sure she has cheated on me. She still wants to stay "friends"? What to expect now? Is there any point in confronting here about the cheating? How should i progress to get whole again?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Confusedandhurt75, 

Welcome aboard. 

I am sorry that you are going through this. Coping with impulsive and erratic behaviors can leave anyone feeling lost, hurt, and confused. I can understand how painful it must be to feel as if you lost not only a significant other, but also a long-time friend.   

Unfortunately, people with BPD (pwBPD) tend to lead chaotic lives. PwBPD tend to engage in impulsive behaviors as a coping mechanism. Engaging in impulsive behaviors is like a quick fix for a pwBPD's intense and unstable emotions. In conjunction to their ever changing emotions, pwBPD tend to react quickly without consideration of outcomes. Binge eating, many jobs, moving often, financial problems are characteristics of pwBPD's impulsive behavior.

It is great that you have done some research on BPD. Learning about the disorder helps with understanding the behavior. It is easy to take a pwBPD's behavior personally, since many of the behaviors seem to be directed at you. Learning and understanding BPD helps you realize that the behavior has nothing to do with you.  I still struggle with not taking some of the behavior personally. 

What has made you think that she has cheated on you?

With regard to confronting her, what do you think would be the outcome of the confrontation?

Do you still want to be friends with her or do you want more?

Becoming whole again is a different process for everyone. There is not a definitive time line for healing. I think the first step to become whole again is to focus on yourself. There is a tendency for the non-BPD partner to be so consumed with their partner's emotions and behavior that they tend to forget about their own needs. Putting yourself first so you can begin to heal is important.

Looking forward to reading your response.

[Confusedandhurt75]

Hi and thanks for the input. Ive done the pros and cons and as i have a young child i cant see myself in a relationsship with this woman. My responsibility is with my child. As i share many of the best journeys and moments of my life with the BPD person (she actually was a great friend) im open to being her friend. But i cant forgive if she cheated on me. I believe she cheated on my because she have accused me of cheating a couple of times for no apparent reason. (projection) Especially one time during a rage she was almost desperat to make me confess of cheating (I could almost feel her desperation) which leeds me to think that she had regrets for what she had done. As im not an jeleous person and was so busy defending myself of false accusations i never took time to think. She has cancelled seeing me a couple of times for no apperent reason. If i confront her, how will she react? With anger? Truthfully? With lies? Is it even possible to stay friends after a BPD relation (or im i her trigger now)?

[EaglesJuju]

I honestly do not know how she will react. All pwBPD do not act the same. 

I found, disordered or not, confronting people tends to not end well. Confronting someone who has high emotional sensitivity, has intense responses to emotional stimuli, and highly sensitive to criticism will most likely not end well. 

From my experience, my pwBPD either projected his anger/rage and became hostile or shut down/withdrew.  It took me a couple of times to realize that I was triggering his emotions and his inner feelings of shame, self-loathing, and hopelessness when I was confrontational.

Her accusations could have been projection or it could have been extreme insecurity or jealousy. PwBPD have distorted thinking.  PwBPD perceive reality differently than a person who does not suffer from BPD. It could be a cognitive distortion.

If you confronted her or spoke with her about the cheating, do you think that she would be truthful? 

I believe you can continue a friendship with a pwBPD after the end of a relationship. There are valuable tools on this site that help improve relationships with pwBPD. 

[Confusedandhurt75]

Thanks so much for helping me figure this out. I think that she might be honest if we talked about these trust issues (but probably blame me anyhow). There is also the possibility that, as you point out, she accused me out of extreme insecurity or jealousy and have not been cheating. I have no proof other than my gutfeeling. Problem is I really don't know what is true and what is lies between us anymore. So whats next? Its been three weeks and we have only texted a couple of times. ( Instigated by me. the tone has been friendly). I guess "out of sight is out of mind". Who im I to her right now? Nobody? Its really hard to deal with a person who don't react normally to separation... .

[EaglesJuju]

Problem is I really don't know what is true and what is lies between us anymore.

I understand how you could feel this way. It is frustrating and confusing trying to rationalize irrational behavior and try to discern what the truth is.  Somewhere in the midst of the contradictory behavior, there is one truth. The one truth that should be the most evident, is that these are the behaviors of a disordered person. 

I guess "out of sight is out of mind". Who im I to her right now? Nobody? Its really hard to deal with a person who don't react normally to separation... .

It can seem like "out of sight is out of mind," but that is hardly is the case. It is a coping mechanism used by pwBPD so they can avoid the painful emotions that they attach to you. Unfortunately, we can be a trigger for a pwBPD. 

Who do you want to be to her right now? 

She is speaking to you so, she is trying to make an effort. You can improve communication between the both of you. Communication techniques can help. I can discuss even difficult topics with my pwBPD.  Take a look.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

[Confusedandhurt75]

I have come to understand that i really cant be anything to her right now because im in so bad shape myself. Hopefully i can be a good friend to her somewhere in the future. These comminication skills really was en eye opener. Thanks again:-)

[EaglesJuju]

I have come to understand that i really cant be anything to her right now because im in so bad shape myself. Hopefully i can be a good friend to her somewhere in the future. These comminication skills really was en eye opener. Thanks again:-)

Taking care of yourself should be your first priority. It is something that is so simple, but many of us forget to do.  What types of things are you doing to heal and to make yourself whole again?

[Confusedandhurt75]

I suffer from sleeping problems, stress related depression, anxiety and rumination. Saw a doctor today and got antideppresive pills and will also se a therapist. This site offers some good selfhelp. Apart from this just take care of myself and doing things i like. Never thougt a simple relationship could bring so much bad stuff out. Powerful thing the human psyche!

[EaglesJuju]

I suffer from sleeping problems, stress related depression, anxiety and rumination. Saw a doctor today and got antideppresive pills and will also se a therapist. This site offers some good selfhelp. Apart from this just take care of myself and doing things i like. Never thougt a simple relationship could bring so much bad stuff out. Powerful thing the human psyche!

As painful as it can be, these relationships can make us become incredibly self-aware. 

I am sorry that you are having sleeping problems, depression, and anxiety. The two most important things that I learned while going through periods of NC with my pwBPD is to make sure you are eating and sleeping properly. My emotions were on overdrive with my lack of sleep and nutrition.

It is great you are going to see a therapist. It really helps. Coping with this can be incredibly painful. Also, it really helps sharing more of your story. It can be very therapeutic sharing with people who have gone through similar situations.

[Confusedandhurt75]

I suffer from sleeping problems, stress related depression, anxiety and rumination. Saw a doctor today and got antideppresive pills and will also se a therapist. This site offers some good selfhelp. Apart from this just take care of myself and doing things i like. Never thougt a simple relationship could bring so much bad stuff out. Powerful thing the human psyche!

As painful as it can be, these relationships can make us become incredibly self-aware. 

I am sorry that you are having sleeping problems, depression, and anxiety. The two most important things that I learned while going through periods of NC with my pwBPD is to make sure you are eating and sleeping properly. My emotions were on overdrive with my lack of sleep and nutrition.

It is great you are going to see a therapist. It really helps. Coping with this can be incredibly painful. Also, it really helps sharing more of your story. It can be very therapeutic sharing with people who have gone through similar situations.

I have come to realize during this process that I probably have some serious codependency issues myself and that this started long before my relation with my BPD partner evolved into a romantic relation. Thus, her intense "love" filled the emptiness I often feel just perfect. "a match made in heaven, haha" I also think that my problems coping with this situation lies much in the insight of that theres nothing I can do to "fix" it. Hopefully this hard times can lead to something good and that i can fix my own problems and improve the quality of my own life. Still cant stop feeling sorry for my BPD thou. Is there anyway to help them realize that they might have a problem and should get help?

[EaglesJuju]

I have come to realize during this process that I probably have some serious codependency issues myself and that this started long before my relation with my BPD partner evolved into a romantic relation. Thus, her intense "love" filled the emptiness I often feel just perfect. "a match made in heaven, haha"

I have codependent traits myself and I understand how the love from a pwBPD can fill a sense of emptiness.  The origin of codependency is rooted from your family of origin (FOO).

I also think that my problems coping with this situation lies much in the insight of that theres nothing I can do to "fix" it. Hopefully this hard times can lead to something good and that i can fix my own problems and improve the quality of my own life.

It is hard to realize that you cannot fix certain things with other people. It has taken me awhile to work on this. I started to shift my "fixing" to myself and work on my own issues. I learned how to set boundaries with people in my life, since I did not have boundaries before.

Still cant stop feeling sorry for my BPD thou. Is there anyway to help them realize that they might have a problem and should get help?

You can speak to your pwBPD about it, but there are different outcomes to consider. She may become angry and project on to you. Here is an article to read about speaking to your pwBPD about treatment.

Article 6: Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment

[Confusedandhurt75]

Can you exert the part of having no boundaries? (if its ok) What did you do? How did it affect other people. How did you learn to set boundaries?

[EaglesJuju]

Can you exert the part of having no boundaries? (if its ok) What did you do? How did it affect other people. How did you learn to set boundaries?

I tolerated and allowed certain things from people in my life. Many times I did not agree with their views, but complied to appease them so they would not either abandon or reject me. I learned how to do this from my FOO.  For example, if I did not like something that my mother wanted me to do, I would do it anyways because it would make her happy and then she would love me. I did not allow myself to say that I did not agree with her. Essentially, I did not allow myself to behave, think, or say what I really wanted. As a codependent, I lived my life for other people. 

I started setting boundaries with the people in my life. At first some of the people became angry when I stopped doing things for them and started to say no. Regardless of their viewpoints, I kept reinforcing my boundaries. It took me awhile to reinforce the boundaries with some people. I kept giving in to what they wanted. Eventually even the most obstinate people in my life learned to cope with them.

Do you happen to do similar things?

Here is an article that further explains the importance of boundaries. 

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

[Confusedandhurt75]

Im not really clear about the boundary thing. I think i tend to have clear core values and most often stand my ground. In my relation with the BPD i started accepting things that i normally never would accept so maybe my boundaries are weak? I did this because she managed to bend things, come with no-win situations, respond with rage etc etc. Think i just tried to respond and reach ut in a situation i did not understand.


inability to tolerate being alone, accompanied by frantic efforts to avoid being alone,

chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness,

subordinating one's own needs to those of the person with whom one is involved,

external referencing,

low self-worth.

I can see now that i have these traits and how they connect together. I often have wondered whats missing come i have all the "things" House, good job, child, longterm friends, loving family, hobbies, good financial situation etc. Whats missing is ME and MYSELF. This has caused me to end up in the wrong relationships, staying to long out of fear of lonelynes, trying to fix the other person etc. So im probably as sick as the person i came here to get help understand... .

[Confusedandhurt75]

Do you still have a romantic relationship with your BPD? Do he have awareness that he has BPD? Undergoing treatment? In that case, how did he come into treatment?

[Confusedandhurt75]

When a BPD is involved in relationships (or sexual relationships) that not involves deep feelings, do they tend to work more "normal"? Or are they still have the traits of thinking in black and white, rash decision, anger outburst etc? (sorry, i have so many questions i seek an answer to)

[EaglesJuju]

Do you still have a romantic relationship with your BPD? Do he have awareness that he has BPD? Undergoing treatment? In that case, how did he come into treatment?

I do have one somewhat. It is complicated.

He will state DSM criteria for BPD verbatim and recognizes he has a problem, but does not directly state he has BPD. 

He is currently being treated by a psychiatrist. He realized his life was spiraling out of control and he needed to seek help. 

[EaglesJuju]

When a BPD is involved in relationships (or sexual relationships) that not involves deep feelings, do they tend to work more "normal"? Or are they still have the traits of thinking in black and white, rash decision, anger outburst etc? (sorry, i have so many questions i seek an answer to)

It is okay to ask questions. BPD is a very confusing disorder. 

PwBPD are always relying on their intense emotions/feelings. Emotions/feelings govern a pwBPD's life and feelings are equivalent to facts.

Most of their intimate relationships are rife with instability.  Effective interpersonal relationships rely on a stable sense of self, the ability to regulate emotions, and tolerance of emotionally painful stimuli. Regardless of what the "status" is of the relationship, a relationship become chaotic with the lack of emotional regulation. When a pwBPD is dysregulating, there is a tendency for them to become highly reactive to negative emotions , such as expressing anger.  Also, a pwBPD have trouble controlling impulsive behaviors and will continue to engage in dichotomous thinking. Any type of relationship can trigger bouts of dysregulation.