BPD boyfriend suddenly doesn't want me around.

[oxymoron]

I strongly suspect my boyfriend has BPD. We are in our early 20's and have been together for 3 years. The push/pull cycles have been maddening the past year and a half. Throughout, he has always accepted my company whether in push/pull and we usually spent every night together regardless. Sometimes he would invite me over only to be 100% apathetic/not paying me any attention and in a bad mood and, silly me, I always stayed.

I moved to school about 30 minutes away this past August, and we only see each other about 4 nights out of the week. Those 4 nights have been typically a given routine. We used to spend every night together before this.

Recently though, as of about a month ago, he has been telling me he doesn't want me to come over and he doesn't want to see me. This is heartbreaking for me, because I am admittedly very co-dependent (before meeting him, I was the most independent person I knew) and as a result I have bad separation-anxiety.

He has been having far more bad days than good during this period, but he has never before this told me he didn't want me around. When I ask why he doesn't want me around, he says he feels smothered. This did happen for a while last spring, but nowhere near as bad.

The next day, he invites me over and thanks me for coming over and tells me how much he missed me. Once a month or so ago, he told me he feels anxious when I'm not around and he feels safe when I am around.

The next day, he "doesn't know" when he'll want to see me again. It messes me up because I am so used to seeing him and I need that security in knowing this isn't the last time. I've told him this, and once he says "Aww, why didn't you tell me? Yes, I'll make more of an effort to have set plans with you." and the next time he says, ":)on't be so dependent on me. No, I don't remember you telling me this before." The next night, he is thanking me for coming over and being sweet again. Often I do tell him no, I can't come over (due to school or other plans), so keep in mind I am not totally a push over in that regard.

If he is in a "sweet" mood and I am distracted/acting very board and uninterested towards him, he'll make a comment like "I feel like you don't want me," and cuddle me until I give.

Back to the point, though... . does he really not want me around? Am I really smothering him? Should I submit and say "okay, no problem" and just wait anxiously for when he pines for me company again? And, equally as important, why is he saying this? Why is he pushing me away more than ever when I supposedly make him feel safe?

For the most part, I am always there for him, and I tell him this often.

I have a hard time being alone these days and sometimes all I want is his comfort. Yeah, I've definitely developed some BPD symptoms. Bummer. I am not blind to all of this, but I cannot change how I feel.

I don't know what to do. I feel abandoned and rejected myself.

Thank you.


Edit: And he does have bad depression, as a note. He displays a lot of other BPD symptoms like a lack of empathy that shows when he is in one of his bad moods, thinking he is a monster, obvious manipulation, rapid mood swings, etc. No violent tendencies, however. He doesn't really go out all too often. On nights he "doesn't want me over" he just plays video games for hours.

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[Mike-X]

Welcome to the boards, and thank you for posting this.

Have you read through any of the lessons, particularly, "What is Borderline Personality Disorder?", "What does it take to be in a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?", "What is my first step?", and "Tools: communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior"?

Also, and possibly most importantly, what are you doing for 'you', to work on maintaining your mental and physical health, maintaining your support systems, and bolstering your self-esteem?

[oxymoron]

I have done a ton of reading prior to posting, yes, and I have been trying to alter my own behavior towards him accordingly. This topic is a new occurrence that is throwing things off for me, and I can't seem to come up with an answer for myself.

I thought I was a freaking princess once upon a time, and I loved myself and my personality and etc etc and I remember telling him in the beginning of his acting up that I am worth so much more than the way I am being treated, etc. I KNOW this still, and I know I can do better, but I am attached still because I love his Jekyll side and I am so afraid now of being alone. I have lost nearly all of my former confidence and loathe myself for it. I have known only near daily life with him for the past 3 years, especially as codependent as I've become. My transformation really is a sad story, I'd have to admit, as it is with everyone in this situation.

I have been investing myself deeper into my gymnastic training and increasing the amount of time I work out. It helps while I'm there to take my mind off of the relationship. I try to do things with friends in-between work, training, and school. So no, I'm not totally neglecting myself. It's when I'm not doing any of these things that I break down.

[Mike-X]

It is very good that you are taking care of 'you' and that you have taken steps to educate yourself.

Are you familiar with enmeshment and FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) in BPD relationships?

[Mike-X]

Is he seeing a therapist?

[oxymoron]

Yes... . I can clearly see what is wrong here, but it's a matter of the extreme extreme extreme willpower it takes to get out. Other times, I wonder if *I* have been the one with BPD all along ruining the relationship (I'm fairly certain this is a result of gas lighting and also the development of my own codependency). But I know the fear, the feelings of obligation, and the guilt all too well, and I know it is all false.

No, he won't see a therapist for actual therapy. I have not mentioned my suspicions of his BPD, but I have suggested it for his depression. He is on and has been on 10-15mg of Lexapro since December and nothing has really changed.

He once in February said, "There is something very, very wrong with my head," after a particularly bad night which was the only time I ever saw him put himself/me in danger. He sped viciously down the road, ignoring my pleas in silence the entire way, and pretty much kicked me out of the car once we arrived at my place. It was Valentine's day and the food was taking too long and he told the waitress to cancel his meal. We had a BOGO coupon and he was being ridiculous and uncharacteristically rude, and I went and told the waitress not to cancel it, despite him telling me not to and "You better think about what you're doing before you do that." He didn't touch it the entire dinner and embarrassed both myself and the friends we met up with there.

In the car, he told me "You shouldn't have crossed me." and that was it. It's almost humorous looking back on it. I have zero clue what set him off so terribly that night. He ended up coming into my place to collect his things and after some time of me bawling my eyes out at him because he was acting so insane and telling him just to stay, he did. And he calmed down. And he thanked me for letting him stay. And all was normal again by 2 hours after the episode. Like... . what.

[Mike-X]

Yes... . I can clearly see what is wrong here, but it's a matter of the extreme extreme extreme willpower it takes to get out. Other times, I wonder if *I* have been the one with BPD all along ruining the relationship (I'm fairly certain this is a result of gas lighting and also the development of my own codependency). But I know the fear, the feelings of obligation, and the guilt all too well, and I know it is all false.

No, he won't see a therapist for actual therapy. I have not mentioned my suspicions of his BPD, but I have suggested it for his depression. He is on and has been on 10-15mg of Lexapro since December and nothing has really changed.

He once in February said, "There is something very, very wrong with my head," after a particularly bad night which was the only time I ever saw him put himself/me in danger. He sped viciously down the road, ignoring my pleas in silence the entire way, and pretty much kicked me out of the car once we arrived at my place. It was Valentine's day and the food was taking too long and he told the waitress to cancel his meal. We had a BOGO coupon and he was being ridiculous and uncharacteristically rude, and I went and told the waitress not to cancel it, despite him telling me not to and "You better think about what you're doing before you do that." He didn't touch it the entire dinner and embarrassed both myself and the friends we met up with there.

In the car, he told me "You shouldn't have crossed me." and that was it. It's almost humorous looking back on it. I have zero clue what set him off so terribly that night. He ended up coming into my place to collect his things and after some time of me bawling my eyes out at him because he was acting so insane and telling him just to stay, he did. And he calmed down. And he thanked me for letting him stay. And all was normal again by 2 hours after the episode. Like... . what.

I am sorry that you had to deal with that sort of behavior. How did you respond to these threats? What firm boundaries have you had to establish thus far?

Why have you questioned whether you have BPD? Can you clarify what you men by FOG being false?

[oxymoron]

I meant that the way being in the FOG makes me feel is false. Real feelings, but feelings I should not listen to. As in, I have no reason to feel guilty or obligated to him, etc. I know this, but I still feel it. Maybe it's because I still have hope I can fix everything and we can live happily ever after, haha.

I know that often non-BPDs start to unintentionally mimic their BPD partner's behavior. I have definitely picked up behavioral characteristics such as needing reassurance and affirmation, I have developed a need for control and become somewhat manipulative in order to preserve my own feelings and make sure he can't leave me hanging, I have extreme fear of him abandoning me, etc. I know I was not the initial problem, but I wonder if now the roles have flipped and I am the one ruining everything. Other times, I *know* I am not the crazy one and I realize he is cleverly turning everything around on me bc he knows it really hits me hard.

What threats are you referring to? I did what I saw fit. I told the waitress to bring his food back, knowing that he'd want it later (he did). I wasn't taking him seriously when he told me I better not talk to the waitress-- we were with friends and his behavior made 0 sense. We all thought he was either joking or just trying to put on a show.

I try to establish boundaries and fail. I need the upper hand in order to follow through with boundaries, and right now, I am definitely not in control. It's a 'The more you ignore me, the closer I get' type of thing, you know? The more he pulls, the more confident and free I feel. The more he pushes, the more I panic and toss all boundaries. I crave a middle ground.

[Mike-X]

I meant that the way being in the FOG makes me feel is false. Real feelings, but feelings I should not listen to. As in, I have no reason to feel guilty or obligated to him, etc. I know this, but I still feel it. Maybe it's because I still have hope I can fix everything and we can live happily ever after, haha.

I still struggle with this, even though I know how loyal, committed, and in love I felt.

[Mike-X]

What threats are you referring to? I did what I saw fit. I told the waitress to bring his food back, knowing that he'd want it later (he did). I wasn't taking him seriously when he told me I better not talk to the waitress-- we were with friends and his behavior made 0 sense. We all thought he was either joking or just trying to put on a show.

Maybe I misread what you had wrote, and if so, please forgive me.

"You had better think about what you're doing before you do that."

"You shouldn't have crossed me."

And speeding viciously down the road ignoring your pleas.

Maybe even the putting on a show part in front of you and your friends. What was he trying to show?

[Mike-X]

We might be thinking differently about boundaries.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

[an0ught]

Welcome oxymoron,

Back to the point, though... . does he really not want me around? Am I really smothering him? Should I submit and say "okay, no problem" and just wait anxiously for when he pines for me company again? And, equally as important, why is he saying this? Why is he pushing me away more than ever when I supposedly make him feel safe?

For the most part, I am always there for him, and I tell him this often.

Yes, you are smothering him. Think about it - we all sometimes feel we lack breathing space. And with BPD b&w thinking a little air tightness becomes a life threatening affair. Can't help it - give him some distance when he needs - tell him he needs space (will validate and make his need smaller) and do not argue that he had enough space for 10 (would be invalidating and make him panic).

Now also be aware that pwBPD's emotions turn on a dime. One situation may feel smothering now and feel like abandonment soon after. Close attention on details of his emotional state is vital. Awareness is build through validation - see corresponding workshops and ask for concrete help in specific situations on the board.

I told the waitress to bring his food back, knowing that he'd want it later (he did). I wasn't taking him seriously when he told me I better not talk to the waitress-- we were with friends and his behavior made 0 sense. We all thought he was either joking or just trying to put on a show.

He was behaving out of bounds and following his emotions without thought. And you protected him from the consequences e.g. asking the waitress himself or going without food. This is not a path to developing a stable personality.

I try to establish boundaries and fail. I need the upper hand in order to follow through with boundaries, and right now, I am definitely not in control. It's a 'The more you ignore me, the closer I get' type of thing, you know? The more he pulls, the more confident and free I feel. The more he pushes, the more I panic and toss all boundaries. I crave a middle ground.

Mike-X has given you a good link. When we talk here about boundaries we focus on the boundaries we can protect through our own actions. Having them in place will strongly decrease the sense of control the pwBPD feels and significantly reduces rage and emotional manipulation. An example of a boundary could be "I will not rescue my SO from follies that are not raising to an emergency level". Such a boundary won't be liked, there will be consequences on us e.g. accusations of lack of loyalty leading even to break up but the boundary is fully under our control.

The board is a good place to discuss this all as you already found out  

Again ,

a0

[oxymoron]

Yes, you are smothering him. Think about it - we all sometimes feel we lack breathing space. And with BPD b&w thinking a little air tightness becomes a life threatening affair. Can't help it - give him some distance when he needs - tell him he needs space (will validate and make his need smaller) and do not argue that he had enough space for 10 (would be invalidating and make him panic).

Now also be aware that pwBPD's emotions turn on a dime. One situation may feel smothering now and feel like abandonment soon after.

It's just such a ? for me because one night he's thanking me for coming over, telling me I make him feel safe and at ease whenever I'm around, that he's anxious when I'm not around. These are things I can resonate with myself and they make me so relieved to hear it from him. The next he doesn't want anything to do with me. The next night he's saying he doesn't know if he'll be in the mood for me and that I should "just quit being anxious, of course you'll see me again sometime, I'm not a one-night-only showing".

I ask him to please be sensitive towards my feelings as I am towards his (is that wrong of me to say?), and he goes "I've been in your position plenty of times so I know how you feel, but what do you want me to say."

I go on to say "You need to understand that when I start to feel like this--" and he cuts me off and says he doesn't NEED to do anything. What... .

Today he asked what my plans were tonight, and I said I dunno. He asked if I was going to come over and I said, "It sounds like you might not want my company tonight."

"I never said that at all."

"Well I thought I'd give you space to play your game, so I guess I'll just go out with Chelsea since I haven't seen her in forever. But can we plan for tomorrow night?"

He responds that he doesn't know if he'll be in the mood for me and that I should "just quit being anxious, of course you'll see me again sometime, I'm not a one-night-only showing".

I ask him to please be sensitive towards my feelings as I am towards his (is that wrong of me to say?), and he goes "I've been in your position plenty of times so I know how you feel, but what do you want me to say."

I go on to say "You need to understand that when I start to feel like this--" and he cuts me off and says he doesn't NEED to do anything, but he'll let me know tomorrow about whether or not he wants to see me. This, of course, makes me terribly anxious because I probably won't hear from him all day until he's off work since he won't make it a point to get back to me until the very last minute.

The other night, he said something that really upset me that was truly very insulting-- and he must have known this-- and fast forward to me just bawling because I was so tired of it and I couldn't help it. He puts his headphones on, rolls over, and acts like he's going to sleep. Once I start, I can't stop until I'm done, and the fact that he acted SO careless made it even worse for me. How could he recognize that I was awfully upset and act like I was not even there? Not even an apology? Twenty minutes ago he was so happy and loving! A minute or so passes, and he tells me to shut up... . which makes me even more distraught. Eventually he just tells me to come over there and he'll spoon me to calm me down. I feel like there is something very wrong happening in this situation. Do you agree?

Should I have just gotten up and left?

[an0ught]

It's just such a ? for me because one night he's thanking me for coming over, telling me I make him feel safe and at ease whenever I'm around, that he's anxious when I'm not around. These are things I can resonate with myself and they make me so relieved to hear it from him. The next he doesn't want anything to do with me. The next night he's saying he doesn't know if he'll be in the mood for me and that I should "just quit being anxious, of course you'll see me again sometime, I'm not a one-night-only showing".

I ask him to please be sensitive towards my feelings as I am towards his (is that wrong of me to say?), and he goes "I've been in your position plenty of times so I know how you feel, but what do you want me to say."

I go on to say "You need to understand that when I start to feel like this--" and he cuts me off and says he doesn't NEED to do anything. What... . 

It certainly is confusing. I found it often useful to think about relationships in two dimensions

  1) Attachment - Fundamental. Very deep bond (parent/child; pet/primary caregiver; abuser/victim)

  2) Emotion - Changing, Volatile when stressed, positive or negative

People with BPD have often strong attachment to us. Also we have often a strong attachment. Our relationships would probably fall apart without it considering the level of drama we experience all the time. This is not bad, this is not good, this is just a fact we have to be aware of. Fear of abandonment is related to attachment. It is also worth knowing that fear activates the attachment system which is one reason for strong abuser-victim relationships.

Today he asked what my plans were tonight, and I said I dunno. He asked if I was going to come over and I said, "It sounds like you might not want my company tonight."

"I never said that at all."

"Well I thought I'd give you space to play your game, so I guess I'll just go out with Chelsea since I haven't seen her in forever. But can we plan for tomorrow night?"

He responds that he doesn't know if he'll be in the mood for me and that I should "just quit being anxious, of course you'll see me again sometime, I'm not a one-night-only showing".

I ask him to please be sensitive towards my feelings as I am towards his (is that wrong of me to say?), and he goes "I've been in your position plenty of times so I know how you feel, but what do you want me to say."

I go on to say "You need to understand that when I start to feel like this--" and he cuts me off and says he doesn't NEED to do anything, but he'll let me know tomorrow about whether or not he wants to see me. This, of course, makes me terribly anxious because I probably won't hear from him all day until he's off work since he won't make it a point to get back to me until the very last minute.

Generally it helps to be more straight and assertive when it comes to our position. It sounds a bit like you are a bit insecure at the beginning and he felt rejected and the discussion derailed from there. He is telling you not to be anxious which is invalidating and controlling and is increasing your anxiousness. When you start asking him to behave in a certain way you are becoming controlling and that is then resisted by him. An alternative. You certainly could benefit from studying validation and practicing it. This will not only help you to avoid triggering him but will also help you to be less affected by him invalidating you.

The other night, he said something that really upset me that was truly very insulting-- and he must have known this-- and fast forward to me just bawling because I was so tired of it and I couldn't help it. He puts his headphones on, rolls over, and acts like he's going to sleep. Once I start, I can't stop until I'm done, and the fact that he acted SO careless made it even worse for me. How could he recognize that I was awfully upset and act like I was not even there? Not even an apology? Twenty minutes ago he was so happy and loving! A minute or so passes, and he tells me to shut up... . which makes me even more distraught. Eventually he just tells me to come over there and he'll spoon me to calm me down. I feel like there is something very wrong happening in this situation. Do you agree?

Should I have just gotten up and left?

Different people take different times to calm down after a fight. Sometimes taking a break is the best we can do. He may have well been equally upset and not able to express himself and tried to calm down by getting some distance via headphones. At these times it is often best we focus on ourselves, become aware of our emotions and accept them as they are. Getting apologies is rare and takes a level of self awareness and maturity that pwBPD often lack.