Switching to Undecided?

[bluejeans]

Right now I am thinking that I should switch to the Undecided board. Things were going rather well this past week or so. I was validating a lot and that seems to make things better. My partner and I had some nice times together. Now, it is back to not so good. I just lost a family member and received some support from her for about 24 hours. Now we are back to not getting along again. I even had to tell her at one point that she was making it worse for me - that what she was saying was not supportive, that it was making me feel worse, and that I would like her support and not be told what to do, or how to deal with the grief.

Like I had said before in another post, she always has something worse or more stressful going on, so she can't offer much sympathy to me.  Like I had said before she will be doing the DBT therapy in June (I hope) but I can hardly wait for that. I don't feel as committed when things are not going well. My hopes go up when we are doing well. I go back and forth continuously. And that in itself is stressful.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Hi bluejeans,

Sorry this is so difficult for you. It is your choice as to what to do. I don't know the regulations on this board, but I see where posters have moved from one section to another.

I think what is important is that you are choosing what to do, what is best for you. People stay in these r/s for some reasons, others leave. You are here for support in what you choose to do, so the section that is most supportive to you is the right one.

Wishing your strengths in your decisions.

[babyducks]

Hi bluejeans,

First I am sorry for the loss you experienced.  My condolences to you and your family.

Staying or leaving is a uniquely personal decision based on our individual experiences.   There is no way to sum up our collective individual experiences in any number of posts on any particular board although I think it's truly  helpful to try.

When I was first here I posted on Leaving because my partner and I were not together.   After a year we reconciled and I moved to Staying.   Moving from one board to another happens.   Other people have moved from Staying to Undecided.   Notwendy is right, what ever board you post on you will find a great deal of support and understanding.

On the top of this board the second topic in Loving a BPD SPouse, Girlfriend or Boyfriend is the suggestions about who should post on this board.  I did a cut and paste for convenience.

If you are participating in a therapeutic separation... .You are encouraged to post on this board to develop relationship skills.  Your personal inventory, however,should be posted on the Personal Inventory board.

If you are in toxic gridlock... .  meaning that you have given up trying to work with your partner and/or find it pointless please post on the Leaving or Undecided boards.

Please do not use this board as a place to complain about your partner without seeking constructive relationship advice.  We are here to find solutions.  It is a given that  our partners are difficult.

Please do not  take sides in couples disputes or seek to have other members to agree, support and defend your position in your relationship disputes. We are not victims and this board is not about right and wrong.  This will only serve to polarize matters in your real life and make resolution further out of reach.

Please do not urge participants to exit the relationship. Members post her to find solutions to difficult relationships. People who are staying with a person with BPD need a safe place to post and get support.  We can't help and support people if they aren't here. Please allow them the opportunity. The people posting here are with the BPD person in their life and have made a commitment to stay (at least for now) and make the best of it.  They are interested in learning tools of validation, communication, etc., to help improve the relationship. 

Please don't urge somebody to "run" as that isn't what people want to hear if they are posting on Staying.  If someone posts something that is alarming because they are describing serious abuse towards themselves or abuse towards children, it is appropriate to urge them to seek legal or medical help.  If you see posters violating this guideline, please feel free to notify a staff member.  It is acceptable to mention the difficulties of staying, but comments such as "Run and don't look back.  Look at my life - don't make the same mistake.  You are wasting your time.  You should leave now" are not appropriate on this board.

It takes a lot of energy to energy to break the toxic relationship gridlock and accept constructive relationship advice.   It takes commitment.   

What you will hear around here is that undecided is not a good place to linger.  It's detrimental to everyone's well being.    It's a good thing to use the resources available to really understand your partner's behaviors.  It's a good thing to really understand your role in the relationship.   Going back and forth continuously hurts.   I hope you find a spot that helps you educate you, so that you find peace of mind.   

'ducks