Rebuild yourself after leaving

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Dear group,

   

I would like to know how to rebuild myself after leaving and detaching.

The worse part is I was a person with good temper. However, just because he tried to make every tiny thing in the past a drama,  e.g. Why did you close the door of the car so loud, although i closed it normally. I suffered from the anxiety. After the relationship I got more easily irritated. When someone is picky, in the past i was Patient. Now,I easily let the negative thoughts back and said to myself "the person should shut up i have enough"

I want to find back the balance inside. What are your experience and suggestion?

[apple2]

Dear group,

   

I would like to know how to rebuild myself after leaving and detaching.

The worse part is I was a person with good temper. However, just because he tried to make every tiny thing in the past a drama,  e.g. Why did you close the door of the car so loud, although i closed it normally. I suffered from the anxiety. After the relationship I got more easily irritated. When someone is picky, in the past i was Patient. Now,I easily let the negative thoughts back and said to myself "the person should shut up i have enough"

I want to find back the balance inside. What are your experience and suggestion?

[Allmessedup]

Hey apple,

I think part of the key to rebuilding is to figure out why u entered the relationship in the first place?  What was your role?  What inside of you caused you to stay. You might find the PI board extremely helpful in helping you understand where it all comes from

Hugs

Amu

[Gonzalo]

I think time and hanging out with non-broken people is the answer. I was in flight or fight mode all the time by the end of my relationship, and everything was setting me off. I was finally standing up and saying no to the projection and blame-shifting, but the practical effect was that I was always angry and ready to erect barbed wire barricades instead of polite fences. After the breakup, I stopped caring about what she thought (there were some odd encounters before she moved out). After spending some time alone, and then time with people who weren't getting mad that I ate breakfast or folded the laundry, the high anxiety, YOU SHALL NOT PASS mentality calmed back down to normal, manageable levels. It's hard to tell when you're in it, but just not having to be on edge constantly makes a huge difference.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey apple2,  I can relate.  Being in a marriage to a pwBPD lowered my "boiling point."  At the least provocation from my BPDxW, I could become quite angry and hostile, which is not my style.  Now that I"m out of the marriage, I'm back to my normal, calm self.  Agree w/Gonzalo: time spent with people who don't get mad because I go on a bike ride, attend a book talk, or go to a college football game, e.g., has made a huge difference.  Plus, it's great to return home at night after work without the expectation of a confrontation.

Agree w/amu that exploring the reasons why you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place is an important step to healing.  Another one, for me, is listening to my gut feelings again.  I used to pretend that things were OK in my marriage when they were definitely not.  Now, I strive to be authentic.

LuckyJim

[Arcturus81]

I used my the pain of the BU to get out and improve myself. Focusing on physical activity helps. I started working out and going jogging. This is beneficial two fold. First physical activity focuses the mind on something other than your mental pain. The second is that you know the ex will be jealous seeing the you looking awesome!

The next is to not isolate yourself. If you find yourself alone and thinking about the ex then get out of the house! Go see family or friends. Go to the movies or read a book. Don't let your mind wander to all those "what if's" and "should have been's". Being around good people and their positive energy can change your mood.

I myself have been sticking with this regimen and it has worked wonders. I have lost 30 pounds and met new people. It is all about how you approach the pain. Just find something positive to pour all that energy into and you will start to feel better.

[once removed]

"e.g. Why did you close the door of the car so loud, although i closed it normally."

the funny thing is the day before i read this i had a flashback. i was spending the night with my exuBPDgf and i was putting my glass down, and each time i did, being screamed at for slamming it. it boggled my mind and annoyed the heck out of me.

it actually makes more sense to me now, in the context of a person growing up in a chaotic household. it wasnt my slamming the glass down or not slamming it down; id maintain i put it down normally too. its that it was a trigger. the kind of trigger you wouldnt be conscious enough to trace to childhood. a trigger nonetheless. thats a guess, i could be wrong. a hypersensitive person might feel threatened and intimidated by someone presumably putting their glass down normally.

back to the point of your post.

"The worse part is I was a person with good temper. However, just because he tried to make every tiny thing in the past a drama,"

i think theres some contradiction here in that i dont think any of this equates with a good temper. the fact that it didnt escalate beyond what it did doesnt equate with a good temper.

"I suffered from the anxiety. "

and i think that stands to reason if youre with a person who might explode at you closing the car door normally. its walking on egg shells just the same.

"Now,I easily let the negative thoughts back and said to myself "the person should shut up i have enough"

im not sure theres a lot wrong with that. your feelings by themselves are not "wrong". its just that feelings dont necessarily = fact. but when your gut is telling you something, its often wise not to ignore it. its when we attribute motives to others that we often get tripped up, because we cant readily see the perspective of another person, especially in the midst of miscommunication. bottom line being, when your gut says "ive had enough", listen to it.

"After the relationship I got more easily irritated. When someone is picky, in the past i was Patient."

"I want to find back the balance inside."

it seems to me this is your balance. in prior relationships youve been patient. in this relationship you hit your limit. the lesson is to listen to your limits. perhaps youd get along better with less picky people in the future? if so, thats a useful revelation  

[mgl210]

Dear group,

   

I would like to know how to rebuild myself after leaving and detaching.

The worse part is I was a person with good temper. However, just because he tried to make every tiny thing in the past a drama,  e.g. Why did you close the door of the car so loud, although i closed it normally. I suffered from the anxiety. After the relationship I got more easily irritated. When someone is picky, in the past i was Patient. Now,I easily let the negative thoughts back and said to myself "the person should shut up i have enough"

I want to find back the balance inside. What are your experience and suggestion?

IME,

I have learned that after the entire experience that I am a little less patient than I previously was.  I, like you, prior to the rs was pretty even tempered. I won't go off and say that I am a temperamental individual, but the residual effect has been that I am a little less tolerant of certain behaviors from those closest to me.  How should you go and rebuild yourself? Well, IMHO, I don't really have an answer for that. Its not really up to myself to dicate who and what you are as a person. Do you want to be a less trusting indivudial? Do you want to build yourself up so that you have an entire wall up so that you so called protect yourself from future pain? I think the best and most neutral advice that I can advise is this: Be honest with your feelings regarding the exp. When I say be honest.I advise, allow yourself to feel the pain, allow yourself the time to cry and purge yourself of the pain that you might still be feeling. Don't drown yourself in alcohol/drugs(not saying you would), but had to throw that in there somehow.  The only person who truly understands all the emotions that you feel from this experience is truly yourself. Be good to yourself, and don't blame yourself. Sure, you made a bad judgement call, but we as humans are all prone to that. We are all prone to making mistakes, and that is exactly what they, providing we learn from them and we don't go off and repeat them.

Be good to yourself. If I can be of any help, please feel free to reach out to me... .

MGL

[apple2]

"e.g. Why did you close the door of the car so loud, although i closed it normally."

the funny thing is the day before i read this i had a flashback. i was spending the night with my exuBPDgf and i was putting my glass down, and each time i did, being screamed at for slamming it. it boggled my mind and annoyed the heck out of me.

it actually makes more sense to me now, in the context of a person growing up in a chaotic household. it wasnt my slamming the glass down or not slamming it down; id maintain i put it down normally too. its that it was a trigger. the kind of trigger you wouldnt be conscious enough to trace to childhood. a trigger nonetheless. thats a guess, i could be wrong. a hypersensitive person might feel threatened and intimidated by someone presumably putting their glass down normally.

back to the point of your post.

"The worse part is I was a person with good temper. However, just because he tried to make every tiny thing in the past a drama,"

i think theres some contradiction here in that i dont think any of this equates with a good temper. the fact that it didnt escalate beyond what it did doesnt equate with a good temper.

"I suffered from the anxiety. "

and i think that stands to reason if youre with a person who might explode at you closing the car door normally. its walking on egg shells just the same.

"Now,I easily let the negative thoughts back and said to myself "the person should shut up i have enough"

im not sure theres a lot wrong with that. your feelings by themselves are not "wrong". its just that feelings dont necessarily = fact. but when your gut is telling you something, its often wise not to ignore it. its when we attribute motives to others that we often get tripped up, because we cant readily see the perspective of another person, especially in the midst of miscommunication. bottom line being, when your gut says "ive had enough", listen to it.

"After the relationship I got more easily irritated. When someone is picky, in the past i was Patient."

"I want to find back the balance inside."

it seems to me this is your balance. in prior relationships youve been patient. in this relationship you hit your limit. the lesson is to listen to your limits. perhaps youd get along better with less picky people in the future? if so, thats a useful revelation  

Thanks for the detailed analysis:) I do agree. Will reply next week after finishing a business trip.

[apple2]

Dear group,

   

I would like to know how to rebuild myself after leaving and detaching.

The worse part is I was a person with good temper. However, just because he tried to make every tiny thing in the past a drama,  e.g. Why did you close the door of the car so loud, although i closed it normally. I suffered from the anxiety. After the relationship I got more easily irritated. When someone is picky, in the past i was Patient. Now,I easily let the negative thoughts back and said to myself "the person should shut up i have enough"

I want to find back the balance inside. What are your experience and suggestion?

IME,

I have learned that after the entire experience that I am a little less patient than I previously was.  I, like you, prior to the rs was pretty even tempered. I won't go off and say that I am a temperamental individual, but the residual effect has been that I am a little less tolerant of certain behaviors from those closest to me.  How should you go and rebuild yourself? Well, IMHO, I don't really have an answer for that. Its not really up to myself to dicate who and what you are as a person. Do you want to be a less trusting indivudial? Do you want to build yourself up so that you have an entire wall up so that you so called protect yourself from future pain? I think the best and most neutral advice that I can advise is this: Be honest with your feelings regarding the exp. When I say be honest.I advise, allow yourself to feel the pain, allow yourself the time to cry and purge yourself of the pain that you might still be feeling. Don't drown yourself in alcohol/drugs(not saying you would), but had to throw that in there somehow.  The only person who truly understands all the emotions that you feel from this experience is truly yourself. Be good to yourself, and don't blame yourself. Sure, you made a bad judgement call, but we as humans are all prone to that. We are all prone to making mistakes, and that is exactly what they, providing we learn from them and we don't go off and repeat them.

Be good to yourself. If I can be of any help, please feel free to reach out to me... .

MGL

Thanks MGL. I am on a business trip so I just keep it simple. It's hard but finally I can forget it. However, right now I need to avoid my old colleagues (since we were in the same company), I need to avoid the girl with whom he cheated me though "just for fun". The extremely hard part is we were in the same city, same industry.

It is not a big city. There will still be enough chance to meet or even work together again. I hate the situation why I need to "escape" as if I did something wrong... .but I can't have my peace when I see anything/anyone reminds me of the dark period with him. They turn out to be a trigger to my "depression".