I think I made a big mistake in offering her my friendship

[Dunder]

I offered her my friendship via email only as a way of helping her get over the pain of me leaving her, but now just the little contact premised on a friendship seems too much for me to handle. All those bad feelings are coming back on me. I did it to soothe her because she broke contact twice after 28 days.  I feel like I need to go back to no contact. What should I do?  Tell her I've reconsidered the friendship? That I need more time alone? I'll look really crazy to her and she'll know how much power she has over me. Should I just block her email too and swear her off forever? 

[valet]

Yeah, I understand how confused you probably are here.

Which unpleasant feelings are returning? Sad ones? Angry ones? Romantic ones?

It might be best for you to go back to no contact, if you don't think that you can handle it. After a month out of my breakup there was no way that I could take that kind of communication. It drove me insane, because I kept questioning if the relationship was really over or not. More time and space fixed that, but now I think that you are faced with a bigger question.

Why do you want to be friends? Do you feel that you will benefit from the friendship, or would you just be using it to keep the attachment alive in hopes that maybe her feelings would change again?

[DyingLove]

I offered her my friendship via email only as a way of helping her get over the pain of me leaving her, but now just the little contact premised on a friendship seems too much for me to handle. All those bad feelings are coming back on me. I did it to soothe her because she broke contact twice after 28 days.  I feel like I need to go back to no contact. What should I do?  Tell her I've reconsidered the friendship? That I need more time alone? I'll look really crazy to her and she'll know how much power she has over me. Should I just block her email too and swear her off forever?  

Dunder, it seems that whatever you decide to do, you have to stick to your decision. We fall off the wagon, but you have to make an effort to do your best.

Here is an inspirational Trent Shelton video that I discovered this morning.  Hopefully you will feel as inspired as I am/was.

https://youtu.be/PfFIClgw4wI

[patientandclear]

You need to take care of your needs. It's our fundamental responsibility to ourselves and (ironically) to others.

It doesn't matter what she thinks or whether she realizes she has "power" over you, unless you are consciously or subconsciously hoping to engineer a re-boot of the romance.

It is not an act of strength to pretend that you don't care about someone you loved. When we try to convey that, usually it's manipulative game playing.

It's possible to be strong and also clear about your feelings. I could not have been friends with my ex a month after we split. I was still hoping he'd change his mind. It took me a solid 10 months of NC to get to a point where I THOUGHT I was clear in my head and heart about a friendship. As I've written elsewhere, even then, it became more than that almost immediately because he absolutely loved having me in a close relationship where he had no obligations and he wasn't going to get "caught." The more he loved it the more confusing it got for me. For me this was a very important love relationship, where our friendship could and should grow into something more if it was so good. To him, it was a delicious side dish. Point is, even with completely clarity about why you're doing the friends thing, if it's good, it's still likely to scrape at your boundaries and make it a live question why you two can't be more.

If you need to take time and space, tell her. Do not sign into something that hurts you. It's fine to say you made a mistake and underestimated the impact all this had on you.

[Mike-X]

I offered her my friendship via email only as a way of helping her get over the pain of me leaving her, but now just the little contact premised on a friendship seems too much for me to handle. All those bad feelings are coming back on me. I did it to soothe her because she broke contact twice after 28 days.  I feel like I need to go back to no contact. What should I do?  Tell her I've reconsidered the friendship? That I need more time alone? I'll look really crazy to her and she'll know how much power she has over me. Should I just block her email too and swear her off forever? 

I am sorry that you are struggling with this. No Contact is a boundary that you establish and enforce for your own health.

Can you elaborate on why you feel bad about telling her that being friends at the current time isn't something that you feel is healthy for you as you are trying to grieve and heal?

Also, can you elaborate on what you mean by "as a way of helping her get over the pain of me leaving her"? Was she contacting you while you had established your boundary of no contact?

[DyingLove]

You need to take care of your needs. It's our fundamental responsibility to ourselves and (ironically) to others.

It doesn't matter what she thinks or whether she realizes she has "power" over you, unless you are consciously or subconsciously hoping to engineer a re-boot of the romance.

It is not an act of strength to pretend that you don't care about someone you loved. When we try to convey that, usually it's manipulative game playing.

It's possible to be strong and also clear about your feelings. I could not have been friends with my ex a month after we split. I was still hoping he'd change his mind. It took me a solid 10 months of NC to get to a point where I THOUGHT I was clear in my head and heart about a friendship. As I've written elsewhere, even then, it became more than that almost immediately because he absolutely loved having me in a close relationship where he had no obligations and he wasn't going to get "caught." The more he loved it the more confusing it got for me. For me this was a very important love relationship, where our friendship could and should grow into something more if it was so good. To him, it was a delicious side dish. Point is, even with completely clarity about why you're doing the friends thing, if it's good, it's still likely to scrape at your boundaries and make it a live question why you two can't be more.

If you need to take time and space, tell her. Do not sign into something that hurts you. It's fine to say you made a mistake and underestimated the impact all this had on you.

patientandclear, why do we want to be friends with them?  After what they do to us, isn't it better to just eliminate them from our lives?  It's just a question looking for an answer.  I'd be the first to say that I want her back. But if we truly want to get over them and back to living, why do we want to be friends, it seems almost like we invite the same thing right back into our lives?

[Irish Pride]

I offered her my friendship via email only as a way of helping her get over the pain of me leaving her, but now just the little contact premised on a friendship seems too much for me to handle. All those bad feelings are coming back on me. I did it to soothe her because she broke contact twice after 28 days.  I feel like I need to go back to no contact. What should I do?  Tell her I've reconsidered the friendship? That I need more time alone? I'll look really crazy to her and she'll know how much power she has over me. Should I just block her email too and swear her off forever? 

In my opinion, you must go to no contact. Trust me when I say, it's hard as hell (especially when you're a "protector" personality type, like I am) but she will have to learn how to get over this herself, her way, and you will have to do the same. Remember that, no matter who comes and goes in our lives, there's only one person who will forever be a constant. And that's you. Don't be concerned about what you look like to her. Right now, YOU'RE the important one. And, honestly, I can't see how much help you can offer her if you're not healed, yourself. Give yourself time, let the wounds fully heal and then, if your fates somehow cross... .well... .cross that bridge when you come to it and see what happens. I hope this helps.

Also, I'm huge Alanis Morissette fan. This is a BEAUTIFUL song and really listen to the lyrics. Today's all about you. I still get emotional listening to this song. Hits very close to home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlvPP4kSxUs

[myself]

why do we want to be friends, it seems almost like we invite the same thing right back into our lives?

Scared to let go. To admit 'defeat'. Obligation. Guilt. Hope. Love.

[DyingLove]

why do we want to be friends, it seems almost like we invite the same thing right back into our lives?

Scared to let go. To admit 'defeat'. Obligation. Guilt. Hope. Love.

One day after our B/U she asked if we were going to be friends, I told her no.  So what does this mean to me, not wanting to be JUST friends if anything.  What did she hear and what does she THINK because I refused to be friends or bite that hook?

[Dunder]

I offered her my friendship via email only as a way of helping her get over the pain of me leaving her, but now just the little contact premised on a friendship seems too much for me to handle. All those bad feelings are coming back on me. I did it to soothe her because she broke contact twice after 28 days.  I feel like I need to go back to no contact. What should I do?  Tell her I've reconsidered the friendship? That I need more time alone? I'll look really crazy to her and she'll know how much power she has over me. Should I just block her email too and swear her off forever? 

In my opinion, you must go to no contact. Trust me when I say, it's hard as hell (especially when you're a "protector" personality type, like I am) but she will have to learn how to get over this herself, her way, and you will have to do the same. Remember that, no matter who comes and goes in our lives, there's only one person who will forever be a constant. And that's you. Don't be concerned about what you look like to her. Right now, YOU'RE the important one. And, honestly, I can't see how much help you can offer her if you're not healed, yourself. Give yourself time, let the wounds fully heal and then, if your fates somehow cross... .well... .cross that bridge when you come to it and see what happens. I hope this helps.

Also, I'm huge Alanis Morissette fan. This is a BEAUTIFUL song and really listen to the lyrics. Today's all about you. I still get emotional listening to this song. Hits very close to home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlvPP4kSxUs

Irish, I may end up using a verse from that song to help explain why I need to stay away.  Thank you, Dunder.   

[patientandclear]

You need to take care of your needs. It's our fundamental responsibility to ourselves and (ironically) to others.

It doesn't matter what she thinks or whether she realizes she has "power" over you, unless you are consciously or subconsciously hoping to engineer a re-boot of the romance.

It is not an act of strength to pretend that you don't care about someone you loved. When we try to convey that, usually it's manipulative game playing.

It's possible to be strong and also clear about your feelings. I could not have been friends with my ex a month after we split. I was still hoping he'd change his mind. It took me a solid 10 months of NC to get to a point where I THOUGHT I was clear in my head and heart about a friendship. As I've written elsewhere, even then, it became more than that almost immediately because he absolutely loved having me in a close relationship where he had no obligations and he wasn't going to get "caught." The more he loved it the more confusing it got for me. For me this was a very important love relationship, where our friendship could and should grow into something more if it was so good. To him, it was a delicious side dish. Point is, even with completely clarity about why you're doing the friends thing, if it's good, it's still likely to scrape at your boundaries and make it a live question why you two can't be more.

If you need to take time and space, tell her. Do not sign into something that hurts you. It's fine to say you made a mistake and underestimated the impact all this had on you.

patientandclear, why do we want to be friends with them?  After what they do to us, isn't it better to just eliminate them from our lives?  It's just a question looking for an answer.  I'd be the first to say that I want her back. But if we truly want to get over them and back to living, why do we want to be friends, it seems almost like we invite the same thing right back into our lives?

With what I understand now & what I experienced in years of navigating the "friendship" waters, I'd agree with you, DL.  But at the time, all I knew was: I really really cared about this person.  There was something going on with him that made it impossible for him to stick with an intimate relationship (I'd learned a lot in the meantime about his patterns with other women).  And I was still laboring under the misconception that I was super special to him.  I still believed a lot of the courtship stmts from the beginning and hadn't accepted that he says that stuff to all the girls.  I thought we were something really special.

I'm old enough to have lost more than a few special people to various blow ups and boundary enforcing episodes, and I didn't want to lose him, too.  I thought I had it all figured out and could keep myself centered and safe.

I think that's why -- at least for me.

[Irish Pride]

I offered her my friendship via email only as a way of helping her get over the pain of me leaving her, but now just the little contact premised on a friendship seems too much for me to handle. All those bad feelings are coming back on me. I did it to soothe her because she broke contact twice after 28 days.  I feel like I need to go back to no contact. What should I do?  Tell her I've reconsidered the friendship? That I need more time alone? I'll look really crazy to her and she'll know how much power she has over me. Should I just block her email too and swear her off forever? 

In my opinion, you must go to no contact. Trust me when I say, it's hard as hell (especially when you're a "protector" personality type, like I am) but she will have to learn how to get over this herself, her way, and you will have to do the same. Remember that, no matter who comes and goes in our lives, there's only one person who will forever be a constant. And that's you. Don't be concerned about what you look like to her. Right now, YOU'RE the important one. And, honestly, I can't see how much help you can offer her if you're not healed, yourself. Give yourself time, let the wounds fully heal and then, if your fates somehow cross... .well... .cross that bridge when you come to it and see what happens. I hope this helps.

Also, I'm huge Alanis Morissette fan. This is a BEAUTIFUL song and really listen to the lyrics. Today's all about you. I still get emotional listening to this song. Hits very close to home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlvPP4kSxUs

Irish, I may end up using a verse from that song to help explain why I need to stay away.  Thank you, Dunder.   

Good luck! Glad it helped!