harbour
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 96
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« on: May 02, 2015, 02:35:45 PM » |
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My pdf-partner is now ex. About two hours ago he left after two very wearing days together.
I met him 1 1/2 year ago. The first 6 months we were just friends, then we started a relationship. I have been on this board before. I left him in November last year because he then reached my limit for what I could and would bear. All the usual stuff (controlling, the roller coaster (white/black), sudden withdrawals, outbursts of scary rage, verbal degrading and hurting attacks etc.). I realized then that I was about to reduce myself not daring to express myself freely any more. So I left him.
I kept NC for one week. After that we communicated only with sms. So, after a few months good communication we started seeing each other again. He really seemed to have changed. It seemed that he had really come to understand and become aware about his rage and controlling me and what it did to me. So I decided to go back to him. He has been passionately loving and caring and calm all the way for the last few months. Until yesterday when he came to spend the weekend with me. He was in a very bad mood. I will not go into details, but he ended up in an outburst of rage. It was awfully scary. He was breaking up with me, he said, because he could no longer stand that I did not share his burning interests with him, while he showed interest in all of mine. I did not respond. He smashed a cup with coffee to the floor. The ceiling was filled with coffee. He hammered a chair to the ground and shouted ugly things like mad. I kept silent in fear. After a while he left. ... .
It has been six hours since I wrote the above. He came back and rang my doorbell while I was writing here. He said that he would like a proper talk with me. I, stupid I, believed him, and I let him in. This time it went crazy. His rage was the worst I have ever experienced. He told me not to say anything, cause only he would do the talking. He accused me of the most terrible things and called me ___ and as hole, and my three siblings were all as holes too. When he demanded that I agreed and I said that I would not do that, he shouted like mad and kicked me hard on my leg with his shoes on. I sat on a chair. I screamed, and then I froze. For about, I think 30 minutes, I just sat there staring out the window, while he stood there staring at me. The only thing on my mind was: When does he leave? I had told him to leave, but that made him come towards me again in a threatening manner, so I didn't dare tell him again. I cried a few times, shortly. Then after a long time he said: "I am very glad and grateful that you have now let me see you crying". He had never seen me crying before. I didn't believe my own ears. Then he said a lot of humiliating and ugly things, and said that he could of course no longer be with such a miser like me. Miser in love, space, care and money. He has a serious financial problem. He spends all his money on presents to a lot of people, and beer. For the same reason he has a huge debt. And now he is in danger of losing his home. I have been very consequent about not giving him money. I believe that it is a wrong way of helping him. He would too easily keep on not taking responsibility for himself. Besides, I did not want to pay his beers and presents. I often did give him food though. He said that since I was able to take a lone to help him out, it would be most reasonable that I did so. Finally he alternately told me how bad I was and how much he loved me. I just wished he would leave. After 4-5 hours he asked me to go with him to a bar before we parted. I did so, because I thought that then he was out of my home, and I could leave the bar whenever I wanted to. There he was friendly, cheerfully talking about all kinds of trivial things. No sign of any emotion. Nothing. As if he didn't realize, or didn't care that he had kicked me and raged towards me. And though he knew that this was our final goodbye. I felt miserable and devastated, while pretending that I was fine. He didn't notice that I was pretending. Nobody hits me or kicks me. And if somebody does a thing like that to me, it will be the only one time. I will never see that person again. EVER!
I am still trembling. I feel unbearably hurt, and terribly alone with this. I am 62 and had not had a relationship or even an affair for 30 years when I met this man. I am so disappointed in myself. I thought that I was more healthy and mature than that. I don't know how to get over this and how to get on with my life. I know I am going to miss the good part of him which was 90 % of the time. Even though I am very much aware that it will be impossible for me to go back to him ever again, the loss will feel devastating for a long time.
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