Feeling weak

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been a while since I posted here been 14 months nc since the demise. Not a peep from her. My boss is off sick today so I'm at work on my own just realised his fb page is open on the laptop. Have the worst urges to look at her page and see what's going on, got the shakes just thinking of it. Might have to close computer before I do something stupid.

[neverloveagain]

It's been a while since I posted here been 14 months nc since the demise. Not a peep from her. My boss is off sick today so I'm at work on my own just realised his fb page is open on the laptop. Have the worst urges to look at her page and see what's going on, got the shakes just thinking of it. Might have to close computer before I do something stupid.

[Beach_Babe]

Are you blocked on your own account? 

[valet]

Why do you fear seeing her on fscebook? Would it change anything about the status of your relationship with her?

Lately, I've felt that I need to challenge my fears of seeing her and communicating in order to fully detach. I'm sensing that this may be the case for you here as well.

Remember, NC is only a tool. If it is used to aid detachment then it is good, but it can also serve to prolong an attachment that might very well have disappeared with LC or CC.

[Beach_Babe]

Remember, NC is only a tool. If it is used to aid detachment then it is good, but it can also serve to prolong an attachment that might very well have disappeared with LC or CC.

I actually agree with this. The fear of rejection, however, is a valid one.

Do you want to reach out to her neverloveagain?

[neverloveagain]

I don't have fb anymore I shut all mine down when she went awol. I just always wondering what's become of her since we split I guess I know the answer to that without looking. It's been a while don't know why I still care so much it's stupid really.

[peacefulmind]

I don't have fb anymore I shut all mine down when she went awol. I just always wondering what's become of her since we split I guess I know the answer to that without looking. It's been a while don't know why I still care so much it's stupid really.

It's not stupid. It's a common reaction to the lack of closure which is something you never get from a pwBPD (if that is what your ex suffers from). A normal healthy relationship that ends, happens in a mutual way, both know it is over and there's no lingering or residual thoughts of "what if... .". What you are experiencing is something we all go through after a BPD-BU. The lack of answers, the feeling of being painted black, the intense fear that you will never hear anything back.

They are all self-inflicted, and it is something that we need to work with. I have already wrote this on another thread, but remember, your ex is not here anymore, any pain you feel is something you inflict onto yourself. If you have been NC 14 months now, I think you need to start thinking about why you initiated NC (or she did) in the first place. As someone has written earlier on one of the other threads: Don't let NC be your main detachment tool, it is a tool to overcome the many manipulations and lies that can happen in the aftermath of a BU. If you are 14 months out with no word from your ex, and you are still feeling these urges, I think you need to think about what NC does for you. The detachment has not come from the NC, and in my honest opinion, I think you need to look into other ways of processing your past experiences. Take a look at some of the articles in the right side, they explain very well the different tools you have to completely detach. I know it is not easy, and I am not in a position myself to give any lectures, but it sounds to me like the processing stage is still not completely over for you, my friend.

Stay strong and keep working on yourself. It is healthy that you chose to close down the computer before you did something that would spiral you back into despair, but at some point you will need to move on from that.

[neverloveagain]

Thanks to everyone for their replies has helped me through this day. Managed not to peek thank god. I just keep thinking it's like she's stole a part of me and I can't get it back some of my friends have said that I've changed since we split, yes it has been a while of nc initiated by me, she wanted to continue using me as her dumping ground while she went wild with the new crowd. I feel like I'm never gonna get better myself.

[Beach_Babe]

What would you hope to gain if you did contact her?  Playing devil's advocate here. Are you still seeking closure?  Do you want her back?

Sometimes when I think I miss my ex, its because other things are going bad. Could this be the case here too?  Is it really HER you miss, or just the idea of having someone in general?

[jhkbuzz]

Why do you fear seeing her on fscebook? Would it change anything about the status of your relationship with her?

Lately, I've felt that I need to challenge my fears of seeing her and communicating in order to fully detach. I'm sensing that this may be the case for you here as well.

Remember, NC is only a tool. If it is used to aid detachment then it is good, but it can also serve to prolong an attachment that might very well have disappeared with LC or CC.

I recently saw some pictures of my ex - I knew where they would be (online) and I looked them up. I did it purposefully - I wanted to gauge where I was at emotionally.  Much to my surprise they didn't trigger me at all. It was days ago and I still feel fine - no delayed reaction. Now, that's not to say that I would willingly go look at a bunch of pictures with her and her new S/O.  But simply seeing her picture was pretty inconsequential for me.

Interestingly, I can still feel emotional and weepy at times if I really think about how she betrayed me - but that's just a sad memory, and it's normal to feel sad over an unhappy memory.  As time passes I think about her betrayal less and less.

N/C is really just a healing tool - a way to protect yourself while you're raw and vulnerable.  Over time you may find it to be not only unnecessary, but detrimental.

But that's truly your call.  You know where your heart is at - do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

(8 year r/s; 9 months post b/u)

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks to everyone for their replies has helped me through this day. Managed not to peek thank god. I just keep thinking it's like she's stole a part of me and I can't get it back some of my friends have said that I've changed since we split, yes it has been a while of nc initiated by me, she wanted to continue using me as her dumping ground while she went wild with the new crowd. I feel like I'm never gonna get better myself.

Is it possible that she distracted you from unhappiness in your life, and now that she's gone you're no longer distracted?  Do you know what I mean?

[neverloveagain]

Is it possible that she distracted you from unhappiness in your life, and now that she's gone you're no longer distracted?  Do you know what I mean?

I'm more afraid I do I was damaged before I met her more so than now but yea I'm a bit messed up with or without her. I guess in a real unhealthy way we complimented each other dysfunction I hold my hands up here. Thanks I needed that.

[Dunder]

I deleted my Facebook account for just this very reason. Sure, when I'm bored I miss scrolling through the posts, but frankly I'm surprised by how little I miss having it. And removing that temptation to look at my Ex's wall has been vital for my emotional well being.

[jhkbuzz]

Is it possible that she distracted you from unhappiness in your life, and now that she's gone you're no longer distracted?  Do you know what I mean?

I'm more afraid I do I was damaged before I met her more so than now but yea I'm a bit messed up with or without her. I guess in a real unhealthy way we complimented each other dysfunction I hold my hands up here. Thanks I needed that.

Are you seeing a therapist? I started seeing one as my ex and I were breaking up and it was tremendously helpful - both for processing the painful emotions around the breakup, as well as for doing some healing work that I probably should have done years ago.