What The Bleep Is Wrong With My Sister

[pillow]

My older sister is going on 24 years old, still living with my parents, has no job or college plans, barely graduated high school when she turned 21 years old, doesn't cook, clean, drive or do anything but smoke weed all day, claims she cannot take care of herself and is extremely manipulative and mean ALL THE TIME. (I know, very long list. It's just the beginning.) She also has had 3 really bad, abusive, mentally ill boyfriends, all of whom have diagnosed severe mental issues. Her relationships with these men have dragged down my whole family, primarily because she brought them to our house several times against my parents' wishes and proceeded to have knock-down, drag-out  fights where the police were called and property was destroyed.

She overreacts to perceived slights in a major way. A persistent and particularly troubling pattern in her behavior is calling the police attempting to get people thrown in jail, purely out of spite. She seems to have an obsession with this as it has happened several times with several different people. It has resulted in my sister getting put in jail herself.

The most recent incident was one morning where my sister demanded a ride to a doctor's appointment. When my mom, who was working at home, refused, my sister began storming around the house yelling at everyone. I was getting ready for school in my room, and my boyfriend was there to give me a ride that morning. She walked in our room and began yelling and screaming, threatening that she was going to call the police on us, calling me ugly and fat -- just saying the most hurtful stuff she could think of. My boyfriend gently moved her out of the doorway and shut the door. I went outside to get some fresh air, and when I returned 20 minutes later the police had been called, my boyfriend had been arrested for assault because my sister claimed that he had beaten her! There is a technicality in the law here where any claim of domestic violence results in an arrest, so he had to be arrested. He was released the next day with no charges, but it was an absolutely horrifying experience in every single way. I had never imagined that someone could do something so spiteful. I mean, I hadn't even done anything to her, and neither had he. Her rage was directed at my parents, yet she decided to take it out on an innocent bystander.

She still hasn't apologized for that and I doubt she ever will.

Now, I'm no doctor, and I truly have no idea what the heck is wrong with her, BPD or otherwise. All I know is that I've been completely exhausted with the entire situation for years. Behavior like the above incident is a common thing. Intense tantrums and screaming fits are commonplace in my family's household thanks to her. She makes up stories of abuse and claims that I abuse her, my parents abuse her, my brother molested her. You may be inclined to believe these stories based on how vindictive she is, but I am fairly certain that none of them are true. She makes up outlandish stories to get her way. For example, she once told my parents in complete confidence that I am a meth addicted prostitute who sells her body for drugs! I've seen her bold-faced lie about blatantly obvious stuff (saying "I don't have your cookies" while eating one of them). Or she will say something, and in the next sentence deny that she ever said it! It is truly amazing, the confidence with which she lies.

I'm sorry this is so long. I hardly ever get a chance to vent about my sister and all her problems with anyone, as it is so shameful and emotionally disturbing to me. I gleefully await the day where I graduate from college and can move far, far away from her.

[K1313]

Welcome Pillow and thanks for sharing your story.

I was getting ready for school in my room, and my boyfriend was there to give me a ride that morning. She walked in our room and began yelling and screaming, threatening that she was going to call the police on us, calling me ugly and fat -- just saying the most hurtful stuff she could think of. My boyfriend gently moved her out of the doorway and shut the door. I went outside to get some fresh air, and when I returned 20 minutes later the police had been called, my boyfriend had been arrested for assault because my sister claimed that he had beaten her! There is a technicality in the law here where any claim of domestic violence results in an arrest, so he had to be arrested. He was released the next day with no charges, but it was an absolutely horrifying experience in every single way. I had never imagined that someone could do something so spiteful. I mean, I hadn't even done anything to her, and neither had he. Her rage was directed at my parents, yet she decided to take it out on an innocent bystander.

She still hasn't apologized for that and I doubt she ever will.

This is awful. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how enraged I would be if my BPDmother did this to my partner. And then to be stuck in the same house with her... .I wish I could give you a hug.

I see that you're in school. Is it possible to seek out on-campus housing? Could you and your boyfriend try spending more time at his place so that you're not as exposed to her rages?

Also... .have you considered reaching out to a therapist? I think that could be useful for you in working through  the shame you say you're feeling. I completely relate to how you feel and have found my own CBT therapist to be really wonderful for helping me to identify and break away from those feelings.

I'm really sorry that you're going through all this.

[educator]

I'm sorry that you are going through this.  What an awful thing for your boyfriend to be arrested like that!  I've never heard of anything like that happening before.  I'm sure it makes you crazy.

K1313 gave you great advice.  Spending more time out of the home would be valuable.  If I were you, I'd try everything in my power to get out of that house.  It sounds very toxic.  Even if you have to take out  more loans to pay for on campus housing in the fall, it would be well worth your sanity.  My uBPD/unpd MIL once offered DH and I a great opportunity... .to build us a small home on her land and live for free.  We didn't take her up on it because my sanity is worth more than any money.

I recently started T myself to deal with my uBPD/unpd MIL.  Before this, I had been to marriage counseling a few times but never to a T alone.  It has been so helpful.  I feel much more grounded.  I'm learning ways to better cope with my DH and my MIL and to react differently to situations.  Hugs to you and I hope it gets better soon!