Has anyone else experienced social anxiety?

[Survivingcrazy]

I am a 40 y/o married with 3 kids. I grew up as the only child of a BPD mother and Dependent PD father (hand in glove). The abuse I suffered as a child was just as all of you previously have described. I sought counseling for several years and have made great progress regarding boundary setting with my parents and forgiveness (reconciliation not possible). I have no relationship with either of them and have moved on in the best way I know how.

I have always appeared to be confident on the outside (popular in school etc), but find myself feeling exhausted, paranoid, constantly anxious, and self-critical about my interactions with other females. I often feel stupid, less than, unworthy, which make me want to isolate. I have very few close friends with women and fear looking like and idiot around them. I know this all stems from the many times my mother would criticize me in private and in public, stalk me when I was out with other friends and then give me a play by play critical analysis of my behavior when I got home. I often feel isolated, like nobody really understands my world, and I'm somehow too inadequate to be in theirs. I often feel very insecure, inadequate, foolish, unworthy, etc when around others. Do I have social anxiety?  I would welcome thoughts here!

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Survivingcrazy,

It sounds like your mother was one very sick person to follow you around and comment upon your social skills. I am not at all surprised that you are reacting the way you do when in a social setting - it must take a great deal of emotional work to shake such a parent off your shoulder.

When I was a teenager and very much in love with my boyfriend, he used to come back to the house and we'd make love. My mum used to skulk around whilst he was in the house and sing hymns outside my bedroom door. She never thought to simply tell him to leave or tell me that my behaviour was out of order. For many years, I felt like there was always three people in the bed (or even four if you include the all knowing, all seeing God that I was brought up to believe in). She was always in my head, so I always felt guilty. Thankfully, that symptom of her inappropriate behaviour has now gone.

With respect to social anxiety. I too have experienced it, especially with women. I think that partly stemmed from having had such a poor relationship with my own mother. However, it turned out that I also have asperger's syndrome so I really did have a lack of skills in social settings not simply anxiety. I'm not suggesting that's the case for you, I'm just saying that I can relate to having paranoia around women even though I don't share your experiences. It has got better though. I started by building trust with the safest women I knew. I have a long way to go, but I no longer torture myself when I am around other people like I used to do and I try to spend more time in social settings that I know are easier for me, like one-to-ones.

Sending you some love... .

Lifewriter

[lucylou]

Hi   I  just wanted to offer my support and say I can relate to how you feel,especially about feeling paranoid and unworthy and misunderstood. I am 43 have 5 kids and a husband. I have hardly any female friends. I find the stress of being around people  particularly women brings up a lot of stress and self doubt. For instance I made a friend recently and she became very engulfing just like my mom and I was spending more and more time obsessing about her and her opinion.I am co dependent so this didnt help. Anyway, She would call me up at random times and send random text messages and at first I felt flattered because I wanted to be liked and felt that someone was thinking abut me.After a short time she started to give advice about my marriage and make critical remarks about my life.It was all very familiar of course because she was just like my mother. I found myself questioning my life and marriage and even at one point was thinking of leaving my Husband!  I realized that this relationship was making me unhappy and becoming toxic so I gradually managed to ease her out of my life.After this experience I  realized that I only feel safe and happy if I am at home with my husband and children and prefer to be by myself. I think that just mixing with people brings up such a lot of anxiety, fear, self criticism and doubt that it is easier to live quietly and slip under the radar so to speak. If I do talk with people the aftermath of worthlessness and anxiety can last a couple of days so I would rather just be with those I feel safe with.

You mentioned about feeling inadequate, insecure and foolish. I think given the circumstances with your mom constantly pulling you apart its unsurprising. My mother was exactly the same, she was constantly pulling apart my sentences,my looks (she said i had buck teeth) my thoughts and opinions.Its little wonder we end up paranoid .I have suffered with social phobia for many years and I think it got worse when I was about 12 although it was always there the feeling of being unlikeable. I am quite avoidant and can be very good at avoiding people I feel embarrassed or uncomfortable around. Are you avoidant? and do you avoid certain people or situations?  I think this is a big part of social phobia.

For example I do not tidy my front garden anymore as I feel I dont want to chat to my neighbours.I also feel very conspicuous and self conscious when I am out by myself. Just the simple act of grocery shopping for most people  can be very overwhelming for me. I feel others are watching me and listening to my conversation with my 2 year old  daughter and criticizing my parenting. It didnt used to be this bad, Social phobia seems to come and go. A few years back it was a lot better because of  I was taking prozac and had some CBT but then something traumatic happened to me that I feel ashamed of and it has made it increase 100 fold. Now its as bad as it ever was and I am becoming more avoidant. I only feel ok if my life is quiet and without people because as soon as I see other people I have to deal with the insecure thoughts. Even writing here causes a lot of anxiety and feelings of inadequacy that is why I dont post very often.   

I think you are incredibly brave for sharing your story and although I dont have much constructive advice I just wanted to say you are not alone and offer support.Your mother sounds like she was extremely difficult to deal with and very abusive along with your father. I see you are no contact which is understandable. I am also no contact at least with  my mother but I wouldnt say I am at  peace as she is still in my thoughts most days.I dont know if you have social anxiety or not but it wouldnt be surprising if you did given your experiences in childhood. I have never been given an official diagnosis but believe this is what I have. I hope we can heal xxxx  Hugs to you 

[Lily77]

Hi SurvivingCrazy,

I just wanted to chime in and say I can really relate to what you wrote. I was recently diagnosed with social anxiety and I have a lot of the same symptoms: I replay interactions over and over in my head (sometimes waking up in a panic in the middle of the night thinking I've made a fool of myself), I am hyper-critical and constantly self-monitoring, and I feel unworthy, strange, and unlikeable.

For example I do not tidy my front garden anymore as I feel I dont want to chat to my neighbours.I also feel very conspicuous and self conscious when I am out by myself. Just the simple act of grocery shopping for most people  can be very overwhelming for me. I feel others are watching me and listening to my conversation with my 2 year old  daughter and criticizing my parenting. It didnt used to be this bad, Social phobia seems to come and go.

I'm the same way, LucyLou. I've always had this feeling that people are staring at me and criticizing me in public spaces. It causes me frequently to have panic attacks, which is a vicious cycle because when I'm in the midst of them, I can start acting strangely and in ways I normally wouldn't, which just makes me more nervous and ashamed. It hasn't always been this bad, but the social anxiety seems to get worse when I isolate myself and avoid people more. 

I have always appeared to be confident on the outside (popular in school etc), but find myself feeling exhausted, paranoid, constantly anxious, and self-critical about my interactions with other females. I often feel stupid, less than, unworthy, which make me want to isolate. I have very few close friends with women and fear looking like and idiot around them. I know this all stems from the many times my mother would criticize me in private and in public, stalk me when I was out with other friends and then give me a play by play critical analysis of my behavior when I got home.

Although I had plenty of friends as a child and teenager, there was always a wall that I put up and things that I couldn't share with them. It's gotten even harder as I've gotten older. I feel further and further behind my peers and my coping technique has been to become avoidant of social situations. I am in therapy and finally starting to connect the dots between my social anxiety and panic attacks and my mother.

Like yours, my mother used to constantly monitor and criticize me when I was growing up. She would say things like "We all noticed that you did x" or "So and so even noticed you were acting x" after being together in social situations, around family or friends. I can still remember the cold look she would have on her face when I would talk, like "don't say something to embarrass me". My mother has NPD and BPD, so I was often treated as just an extension of herself. She would also monitor and criticize what I was wearing and my physical appearance.

I have been pushing myself to be in more social situations. However, when I feel comfortable in the moment and open up to people, I normally later become panicky and critical of myself and I'll become obsessed over some small perceived mistake I made. When I mention it to other people, it's frequently something that they didn't even notice, or isn't that big of a deal, but for me it feels like the end of the world at the time. I feel intense shame. I have a hard time trusting that people aren't going to hate me and make fun of me if I make a mistake.

[lucylou]

Hi Lily It is a horrible thing social anxiety  isnt it?. I experience the same reactions you do to things I have said to people. I also have periods of intense worrying that I have offended someone which then makes me want to avoid seeing them. And believe me I am an expert at avoiding people! I was even going to avoid coming back here to read the messages in case I said something to offend!. I do have periods when the social anxiety gets better usually when I take anti depressents but I havent taken any in over 3 years.

I know going back on the meds will probably help get rid of the anxiety and enable me to live life again but I am worried about the side effects as in the past they have not had a good effect on me. Also I feel that the meds were just covering up the trauma and i  wanted to experience some of the pain so it could be healed.It hasnt really worked though I am definitely getting more avoidant again but am unsure what to do next.I am planning to see the doc next week but here in the uk help is not very forthcoming. If you can afford to pay a psychologist then you have a shot at getting better but its so expensive . Some days i feel like I will be like this forever but I am not ready to give up the fight yet

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I have been pushing myself to be in more social situations. However, when I feel comfortable in the moment and open up to people, I normally later become panicky and critical of myself and I'll become obsessed over some small perceived mistake I made. When I mention it to other people, it's frequently something that they didn't even notice, or isn't that big of a deal, but for me it feels like the end of the world at the time. I feel intense shame

I think its great that you are pushing yourself to be more social  . I also  understand the  feelings of worry and shame afterwards that can stop you from wanting to experience it again. It is  painful. I am not very good at expressing myself through words in part because of the social phobia but just wanted to say good luck with your therapy and I hope you will continue to get better and that you are not alone in your struggle.  

[oceaneyes]

I have always appeared to be confident on the outside (popular in school etc), but find myself feeling exhausted, paranoid, constantly anxious, and self-critical about my interactions with other females. I often feel stupid, less than, unworthy, which make me want to isolate. I have very few close friends with women and fear looking like and idiot around them. I know this all stems from the many times my mother would criticize me in private and in public, stalk me when I was out with other friends and then give me a play by play critical analysis of my behavior when I got home. I often feel isolated, like nobody really understands my world, and I'm somehow too inadequate to be in theirs. I often feel very insecure, inadequate, foolish, unworthy, etc when around others. Do I have social anxiety?  I would welcome thoughts here!

Wow, everything you wrote here could have been written about me. Like others have said, I constantly replay events in my head and feel awkward in social settings. I feel unworthy of being anyone's friend, paranoid, self-critical, less cool than everyone else etc. I haven't, however, had a panic attack or anything severe like that, but I have kept myself up all night over certain social interactions, silly things that other people would simply brush off.

I moved to a new city a few years back and made it a goal of mine to really put myself out there and try to make some friends. I went to the same bar over and over and over again with my DH until people started to recognize me. It was good practice for me, and honestly, being a little buzzed helped me initiate conversations. Now I'm to the point that I can be in social settings without needing alcohol as a "social lubricant," but occasionally I still say something that I deem "stupid" and end up beating myself up over it for a few days. I try to remind myself that it's likely the other person didn't notice and has already forgotten whatever I said, that usually helps to calm my nerves. I also hate eating in public, I feel like everyone is watching me and silently judging me. I know now this is because my mother called me a piglet when I was younger and criticized me for eating too much and too fast.

I've only recently started learning the impact my BPD mother had on my self-esteem. At my last appointment, my T did an exercise with me where I had to write all the things I like about myself. It was painful and hard to do, I sobbed the entire time and couldn't really come up with anything without her help. Then she made me write how my mother makes me feel. My tears quickly dried up while I recited a long vile list of words. It was so much easier to do, and I felt more comfortable writing it because it's what I've been told my entire life. I keep the good list in my wallet and whenever I'm feeling crappy, I read it. I don't know if I believe I'm all the things on that list, but it's good to hear.

I think having some confidence and self-esteem goes a long way towards helping social anxiety. The more I "practiced" being social and saw that people genuinely liked me, the easier it got to be in social settings. I'm not perfect by any means, I still avoid social interactions, but I'm more willing to participate than I had been, which is a good start.

You're not alone!