Managing

[FigureIt]

I am planning to end my relationship and move out in a year.  I am not financially able to now and have not told my uBPDbf in any way.  Slowly, I have been backing off on things.  Not due to moving out, but because he expects that I should do everything and then is not very nice to me and/or appreciates what I do.

2 weekends ago his S17 was in a car accident with my uBPDbf's vehicle.  No one was injured, but the car was totaled.  The insurance company sent papers to be completed about the accident, etc.  There were some questions we didn't know, like the names of the occupants of the other vehicle, this frustrated my bf.  I told him I would help by looking up the claim info. online to see if it was there.   

On Monday I did as I said I would and the info. wasn't there.  This wasn't enough, my bf got irritated that I wouldn't take all the paperwork and finish it.  It is NOT my vehicle and NOT my son, therefore his responsibility.  He needed to contact the police to get the report, ask his son questions, etc.

So, now today, I get his form of rage... ."I'm not there for him... ." "I didn't do what I said... ." "I don't care... ." etc., etc.,  The reason is because he didn't want to do/finish the papers and expected that by saying I would help, that I SHOULD take the papers and complete them also his dad is 89 and ill.  (it's not like these were hard to fill out.) 

He also expects that I should know about his dad, when I ask how his dad is I get "the same".  He continuously does not tell me things and keeps me in the dark and then turns it on me for being inconsiderate for not knowing.

It really pisses me off that he attacks me this way.  Oh, and the past 3 weekends when he has been drunk he has been very NASTY to me.  Yet, he will claim all he says is "I'm cold" and that I make up the other stuff.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi FigureIt,

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this behavior.   Rages/projection can be really tough to cope with. It is even more frustrated when a pwBPD expects you to be telepathic and understand something and then gets angry at you for not knowing.

When your bf expects you to be a mind reader, have you tried communication techniques, like SET?

I have used SET when my pwBPD expects me to be telepathic. I diffused many arguments this way.

I completely understand how hurtful behavior from a drunk pwBPD. When people are intoxicated they lose their inhibitions and factoring in a lack of emotional regulation, a pwBPD can be very volatile.

When my pwBPD was going through a phase of getting drunk every weekend, it was really rough. At first when he was confrontational and argumentative, I would participate in the arguments. In my mind, I was trying to reason with him and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable. This usually ended with him lashing out and saying hurtful things and me getting upset. I started ignoring him when he was drinking. By my silence and not acknowledging his behavior, I set a boundary. After awhile, he stopped arguing with me when he was drinking. Distancing myself, helped me avoid a situation that could become heated. There were times when his drinking was so bad, I left the house for a few hours.

Even with non-BPD people, discussing anything with an overly intoxicated person tends to not end well. From my experience, it is best to let a drunk person be.

[FigureIt]

Hi FigureIt,

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this behavior.   Rages/projection can be really tough to cope with. It is even more frustrated when a pwBPD expects you to be telepathic and understand something and then gets angry at you for not knowing.

When your bf expects you to be a mind reader, have you tried communication techniques, like SET?

I have used SET when my pwBPD expects me to be telepathic. I diffused many arguments this way.

I completely understand how hurtful behavior from a drunk pwBPD. When people are intoxicated they lose their inhibitions and factoring in a lack of emotional regulation, a pwBPD can be very volatile.

When my pwBPD was going through a phase of getting drunk every weekend, it was really rough. At first when he was confrontational and argumentative, I would participate in the arguments. In my mind, I was trying to reason with him and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable. This usually ended with him lashing out and saying hurtful things and me getting upset. I started ignoring him when he was drinking. By my silence and not acknowledging his behavior, I set a boundary. After awhile, he stopped arguing with me when he was drinking. Distancing myself, helped me avoid a situation that could become heated. There were times when his drinking was so bad, I left the house for a few hours.

Even with non-BPD people, discussing anything with an overly intoxicated person tends to not end well. From my experience, it is best to let a drunk person be.

Thank you EaglesJuju.  I was like you before and tried to argue back when he was drunk.  Frequently now I usually don't respond.  Both Friday and Saturday night last weekend he was intoxicated and said stuff.  I just drove quietly home and then got ready for bed, never really engaging.  I've even pretended being asleep when he's come home drunk and he will still talk and say mean things.