Learning how to create boundaries has indirectly changed how I deal with people.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I had a friend of the opposite sex that I met a few months ago. I was seeking solely friendship and would message online once in a while or have coffee with them at the cafeteria after work. It was all pretty platonic. He had a girlfriend, and I'm very committed to my own SO.

Or so I thought.

Last night, this friend started messaging me while drunk, inferring that I had initiated the friendship (quite by accident, he was at reception at my previous job) on false pretenses of 'wanting him', and that he'd was completely up for something more, if I didn't have a boyfriend.

Suffice it to say, I openly told said friend that I had no such intentions, regardless of how he saw it and due to his callous remarks, would no longer be contacting him.

I cut him off. Pure and simple. I also told my partner about it.

Just months ago, I would have had issues cutting off a friendship like that. My need to please everyone would mean that I'd put up with is influence for much longer than was healthy and feel terrible and insecure in terminating the relationship. Here, I recognised that the relationship had become toxic and that he was not respecting my boundaries and promptly dealt with it.

After a day, I realize how little the friendship had in quality. This person represents everything that I'm against. Self-absorbed, racist, extremely misogynistic, and very judgmental and callous. I'm so much better off without them.

[misuniadziubek]

I had a friend of the opposite sex that I met a few months ago. I was seeking solely friendship and would message online once in a while or have coffee with them at the cafeteria after work. It was all pretty platonic. He had a girlfriend, and I'm very committed to my own SO.

Or so I thought.

Last night, this friend started messaging me while drunk, inferring that I had initiated the friendship (quite by accident, he was at reception at my previous job) on false pretenses of 'wanting him', and that he'd was completely up for something more, if I didn't have a boyfriend.

Suffice it to say, I openly told said friend that I had no such intentions, regardless of how he saw it and due to his callous remarks, would no longer be contacting him.

I cut him off. Pure and simple. I also told my partner about it.

Just months ago, I would have had issues cutting off a friendship like that. My need to please everyone would mean that I'd put up with is influence for much longer than was healthy and feel terrible and insecure in terminating the relationship. Here, I recognised that the relationship had become toxic and that he was not respecting my boundaries and promptly dealt with it.

After a day, I realize how little the friendship had in quality. This person represents everything that I'm against. Self-absorbed, racist, extremely misogynistic, and very judgmental and callous. I'm so much better off without them.

[Mike-X]

Good for you for enforcing your boundaries, but I am sorry that your friend crossed that line.

I feel like I have had similar but much more subtle experiences.  So many issues in communication that I have neglected or missed for some reason (boundary violations, passive-aggressive behavior, and so on) just seem to be popping up clearly on a regular basis. I feel like a veil has been lifted.

[misuniadziubek]

Good for you for enforcing your boundaries, but I am sorry that your friend crossed that line.

I feel like I have had similar but much more subtle experiences.  So many issues in communication that I have neglected or missed for some reason (boundary violations, passive-aggressive behavior, and so on) just seem to be popping up clearly on a regular basis. I feel like a veil has been lifted.

That's absolutely wonderful. It's amazing just how little we see or choose to see subconsciously. Not recognising when communication is becoming toxic and so on. I still have to keep working on it, honestly, sometimes I catch myself on autopilot and then remember, oh right, I don't handle things like this anymore. heh.

[Mike-X]

That's absolutely wonderful. It's amazing just how little we see or choose to see subconsciously. Not recognising when communication is becoming toxic and so on. I still have to keep working on it, honestly, sometimes I catch myself on autopilot and then remember, oh right, I don't handle things like this anymore. heh.

I definitely fall into autopilot, too. Sometimes the issues don't hit me until after walking away or even days later.   

[Panda39]

I have found that I am better with boundaries too.  At work I don't take on more than I can do if I am given a choice. I used to have a hard time with "no" in some work situations so I'd say "yes", then get overloaded, unhappy and resentful. If I have to do something that is mandatory I am also better at negotiating compromise so that I don't become overwhelmed.  I also don't "JADE" as much as I once did.  I'm learning that sometimes I just don't have to explain why I've done something or not.  I'm feeling more confident and comfortable about my job and my place in my workplace. Many of the tools here most definitely translate into other aspects of our lives.  

[Mike-X]

I have found that I am better with boundaries too.  At work I don't take on more than I can do if I am given a choice. I used to have a hard time with "no" in some work situations so I'd say "yes", then get overloaded, unhappy and resentful.  I also don't "JADE" as much as I once did.   I'm learning that sometimes I just don't have to explain why I've done something or not.  I'm feeling more confident and comfortable about my job and my place in my workplace. Many of the tools here most definitely translate into other aspects of our lives. 

I definitely need to continue working on JADEing in the workplace, but I have gotten much better about it.

[disillusionedandsore]

I have had this sense too... .I was asking my counsellor "was this always happening and I just didn't see it?"  She said 'probably' ... .Ouch!  Especially now in relation to the ex,  it astounds me that others that know him a long time cant see what he's at... .guilt trips, perpetual victim etc and enable him,  urrghh! But sure I was there once,  his biggest fan!