Supporting the undiagnosed BPD parent. Need advice.

[fruzzetti]

Hi.  BPD is such an amazing, broad-sweeping collection of rationales and behaviors.  My children, ages 5 and 6.5, have a grandmother who shows BPD traits but never once has gone to therapy -- not even an intake meeting to start the process.

Her BPD doesn't directly affect me anymore, though as the only child I was raised pre-programmed to enable it.  And, as many of you know, in public she puts on a more rational mindset and interacts with anyone who doesn't live in their house. 

Unfortunately, my dad lives with her all by himself now (and has for almost nine years).  My parents are sixty-somethings and it's so sad to see my mom working my dad over about the affair he's having because he arrived home from work one minute later than expected.  It's sad to see his unclipped finger- and toe-nails which are causing swelling and numbness in his shoes (he does physical work, too, always on his feet).  She gets violent with him and 'tests' him with tests that are literally impossible.

I don't need to go into more details, because complaining won't help anything.  What I'm hoping to do is find out from you guys how you were able to get your BPD loved one to try using a therapist.  I suggested marital counseling but my mom's response is always "Your dad will snow the therapist over and they'll think he's in the right."  It's always antagonistic like that, like there have to be combatants and somebody has to be right and somebody has to be wrong.

It seems some BPD elders are masters of rationalization, at least in their own minds.

Any suggestions would be great.

Thanks!

[bethanny]

fruzzetti,

I wish I could offer more hope. I do remember in Lawson's book about BPD mothers that the BPD becomes less ferocious with age. I got my uBPD mother to go to a therapist for one time only but it was framed as, and in my own mind of denial, as her desperately needing support for being the wife of an alcoholic.  Her own toxic mood swings were framed by her and others as totally attributable to that and deserving of pity and nurturing. She went once, admitted it was easier than she thought, and never went back again. As if that was as far as she was willing to go thank you very much. She did go to some alanon meetings at one point and I believe during my decade of NC. Before my estrangement when I begged her to get help she would smile eerily and say, "I don't need a therapist.  I have you."  My mother's role for me, one of them, was sounding board for her misery, of course I must never ever say anything challenging to her or speak up for anyone on her present sh*tlist.  I was sucked into the triangulation quicksand of a miserable marriage.  I was an enabler with her as a benign and not so benign if challenged dictator of my life.

Maybe your father could use a therapist.  That also might incentivize her.

best, Bethanny

[Kwamina]

Hi fruzzetti and welcome to our online community

I don't need to go into more details, because complaining won't help anything.  What I'm hoping to do is find out from you guys how you were able to get your BPD loved one to try using a therapist.  I suggested marital counseling but my mom's response is always "Your dad will snow the therapist over and they'll think he's in the right."  It's always antagonistic like that, like there have to be combatants and somebody has to be right and somebody has to be wrong.

Having a parent with BPD can be quite challenging. BPD can be a difficult disorder but there are people with BPD who through hard work have learned to better manage their difficult thoughts and emotions and by doing so have improved their behavior. For this to happen it is essential that the person with BPD acknowledges that there is something wrong with her/his behavior and fully commits to working on the problem areas. Do you feel like your mother now or in the past has ever in any way acknowledged that there might be something wrong with her behavior? She has never started the process of therapy, but has she ever indicated that she might be willing to get into therapy. Do you feel like she perhaps would be willing to get into individual therapy since she's so suspicious of joined marital counseling?

[fruzzetti]

Bethany, firstly I fully understand your position.  I'm very happy that I've been less unhealthy with every passing day, and that I've been able to build a new family culture with my wife -- my kids don't have to be exposed to the BPD often, and we show them nothing like that at home.

Boy-born-on-saturday, Unfortunately the answer is no; when i was younger I foolhardily attempted to help them see each other by classification: abuser / abused.  But I was maybe only 23 and didn't do enough research to find a clinical name and all that.  However, just once I had a conversation with my mom about difficult experiences and I heard her say something about borderlines in addition to another group needing some kind of support.  I was surprised she used the word at all, so I wonder where her private thoughts really take her and I wonder if that motivates her to be an unhealthy person because it's just so hard for people from that last generation to admit they could use mental health help.

At least in my generation we're all about using mental health services!

Thanks!