Hey VOC and Ethyl:

Vortex
I think we all live in some types of similarities when it comes to sexual disfunction in our relationships not meeting our own needs.
Yes, when it does come to sexual relations I do live partially in your lives. I don't know how many times we've not only planned but done impromptu outings, gotten rooms and I have laid the best laid plans, only to have them crumble because of her intensity of deregulation in totally unrelated situations to the one we are immediately immersed in... .
We're going away tomorrow for a week of travelling together and site-seeing. Booked really good places to stay, great things to see and do all day she really wants to see because she hasn't before. Even spend a day and night in her old stomping grounds to walk all those old memories from her past. I have in my mind what would be really good to happen particularly with closeness and intimacy but that doesn't mean those same want's fit into hers.
It's a real dysfunctional dance sometimes that mostly meet our own hopes for them because of their issues. I know how disappointing it is to spend the day on a romantic train ride through the wilderness runs to enjoy the changing of the colour and the entire is wasted on the inescapable problems for her workplace and you might as well just pull the curtain on the train window. Everyone on the train removing themselves farther and farther way because they don't want to have to listen to that and have it interfere with their trips. I know the embarrassment of being a part of that but having to see it through. When she finally arrives back at the room collapses out of anxiety and stress to sleep for the night to escaper herself , while I'm left sitting on the bottom of the bed wondering how all of this could possibly take place.
I so do live in the same challenges as most when it comes to sex or intimacy being fragmented and subject to their immediate other situational needs or lack of them and for the best laid plans have them fall to pieces again. I know for certain the rejection when so much of my own thoughts were envisioned into expectations.
Time has changed this interaction and dance a bit, but it's still a place where we haven't yet been able to really take ahold of each other and dance until the interaction of dancing is smooth, congruent and a pleasure to experience doing it so well. She adamantly feels like we have sex once a week. That’s the magic number that people in her mind should do for a healthy relationship after years (in fact that's really good.). A week goes by and she doesn’t even realize she asks night after night after night for extension for various reason and the one week sex requirements constantly morphs into three weeks. She doesn’t see it.
I know how the outright rejection in the times of encouragement feels.
I know the inward powers that restrict her abilities and wants. From consumption of other issues to self-loathing of her self and feeling unwanted - to morphing her own appearance to “No one would want this !” It’s those times of her twisted mirror altering her own perceptions when there is much much paranioa, self-loathing and condemnation that she looks at a perfect and really attractive person and morphs it into a perceived ogre of ugliness no one would go near or should have to. Age only emplifies that.
Yes I do live in a similar life Vortex when it comes to sexual relations.
Main part rather than give up hope or criticize is to share our stories and look for the opportunities to come together in the discussions and interaction to find solutions and hopes that can bring it forward. Real difficult challenge and I appreciate the ideas I read in for possibilities to that – probabilities of making them happen – well that's another thing.
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