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Author Topic: Our doctor's visit went better than I thought  (Read 1963 times)
Stalwart
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 333



« Reply #30 on: June 09, 2015, 12:28:46 PM »

I don’t know. I think there’s really something to be said for change and change of environment when you’re trying to move forward from a stuck position.


Funny how different people think given the same scenario. There is no disrespect intended to your post Fian but:


The way I look at it is you’ve got lots of time and years for “comfortable” and maybe not so many for shaking it up and doing a little more ‘Waaaaahhhoo” to life together.


Honestly, my wife has this timidity of being aggressive which wasn’t the case in the beginning before she started to doubt us and herself. I really dislike having to always be the aggressor. I would roll over if she jumped into the lead (like really quick  .)  Come to think of it – what guy doesn’t want to be “taken”?


I just really kind of feel that getting out of the bedroom and the same stuck rut would be key to having a lot more fun with it. Whatever the environment or situation though I wouldn’t even make it a plan to ‘do it’ with him – I’d just make the plan for it to come together and hey, just do it.


Anyway, best of luck with it ColdEthyl and all the way through I’ve seen your success being a result of you taking the lead. Why spoil a good run?

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ColdEthyl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 2 years
Posts: 1277


« Reply #31 on: June 09, 2015, 12:39:52 PM »

@Stalwart

A few times we got a hotel room and gave it a try, but when it came to that time he waved me off with headache or tiredness and nothing happened. That's been the MO for the past 2 and a half years. He wants to... .get scared. He wants to... .starts overthinking.

I'm trying to get the groundhog to quit seeing his shadow.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #32 on: June 09, 2015, 01:09:49 PM »

@Stalwart

A few times we got a hotel room and gave it a try, but when it came to that time he waved me off with headache or tiredness and nothing happened. That's been the MO for the past 2 and a half years. He wants to... .get scared. He wants to... .starts overthinking.

I'm trying to get the groundhog to quit seeing his shadow.

Hmmm. . .are you living my life?

Seriously, we have done the hotel room thing too. The groundhog saw his shadow and it was a no go. I even got a little weird and was like, "Oh hey, if that isn't working, you can use this on me." (Not going to say what it was.) It was an attempt to take the emphasis off of him. He was so, meh about the groundhog, that he couldn't even focus on giving me pleasure.

One time, our friends offered us a new place to do the deed. He declined because he was tired and afraid. Heck, one time, we went out without the kids. It was at night so I stripped down in the front seat and started doing stuff while he was driving to get him interested and try to shake things up. If my memory is correct, we got home and not much happened.

We have pulled off into dark spots. He wanted a BJ to get things going but would then make excuses about not enough room in the car, scared, whatever so he would get his BJ in the woods and I would get nothing.
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ColdEthyl
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Relationship status: Married 2 years
Posts: 1277


« Reply #33 on: June 09, 2015, 02:18:49 PM »

VoC... .I think so.

We left a concert one night and we were just driving around enjoying the crisp fall air, and I put my hand on his leg and said "You know, if you can find a nice quiet place to park I'll give you a BJ" His eyes got wide... .then he got that scared looks on his face and he was like "Oh really?" but that was the end of it. A few minutes later, he said "Oh hey I was thinking of what you said it sounds great but there's really nowhere to go here... ." That was BS.

I've offered to use things on myself, also. That way hey... .I can kinda get something. Hasn't happened yet. The very last time I tried to initiate anything, I started to masturbate and he watched... .and only watched. He got a hard on but was afraid to use it.

He's talked how hot and sexy it was several times since then, but doesn't DO anything.

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formflier
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« Reply #34 on: June 09, 2015, 08:01:51 PM »

He's talked how hot and sexy it was several times since then, but doesn't DO anything.

Wow... .frustrating... .

My gut says give her more opportunities like this.  Look for any... .and I mean any little thing he does... .that is in the right direction... .and validate... .praise... .etc etc.

But... .this could be so intertwined with his sexual history... .that it could take lots of careful therapy to unwind.

I think you are right to not "really" be aggressive... .and respect the fear in his eyes.

FF
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Grey Kitty
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Relationship status: Separated
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« Reply #35 on: June 09, 2015, 09:44:09 PM »

Your H has some physical ED issues... .and some mental stress/fear/etc. issues.

One solution/help on the mental side is pot. Smoking or eating might help him relax past the mental part.

I know that addiction is an issue for some pwBPD, and there are lots of potential reasons NOT to do this... .if your H doesn't have any such issues, and especially if he does use it occasionally anyway, it seems worth trying.

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Stalwart
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 333



« Reply #36 on: June 10, 2015, 08:36:44 AM »

Hey VOC and Ethyl:

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Vortex

I think we all live in some types of similarities when it comes to sexual disfunction in our relationships not meeting our own needs.

Yes, when it does come to sexual relations I do live partially in your lives. I don't know how many times we've not only planned but done impromptu outings, gotten rooms and I have laid the best laid plans, only to have them crumble because of her intensity of deregulation in totally unrelated situations to the one we are immediately immersed in... .

We're going away tomorrow for a week of travelling together and site-seeing. Booked really good places to stay, great things to see and do all day she really wants to see because she hasn't before. Even spend a day and night in her old stomping grounds to walk all those old memories from her past. I have in my mind what would be really good to happen particularly with closeness and intimacy but that doesn't mean those same want's fit into hers.

It's a real dysfunctional dance sometimes that mostly meet our own hopes for them because of their issues. I know how disappointing it is to spend the day on a romantic train ride through the wilderness runs to enjoy the changing of the colour and the entire is wasted on the inescapable problems for her workplace and you might as well just pull the curtain on the train window. Everyone on the train removing themselves farther and farther way because they don't want to have to listen to that and have it interfere with their trips. I know the embarrassment of being a part of that but having to see it through. When she finally arrives back at the room collapses out of anxiety and stress to sleep for the night to escaper herself , while I'm left sitting on the bottom of the bed wondering how all of this could possibly take place.

I so do live in the same challenges as most when it comes to sex or intimacy being fragmented and subject to their immediate other situational needs or lack of them and for the best laid plans have them fall to pieces again. I know for certain the rejection when so much of my own thoughts were envisioned into expectations.

Time has changed this interaction and dance a bit, but it's still a place where we haven't yet been able to really take ahold of each other and dance until the interaction of dancing is smooth, congruent and a pleasure to experience doing it so well.  She adamantly feels like we have sex once a week. That’s the magic number that people in her mind should do for a healthy relationship after years (in fact that's really good.). A week goes by and she doesn’t even realize she asks night after night after night for extension for various reason and the one week sex requirements constantly morphs into three weeks. She doesn’t see it.

I know how the outright rejection in the times of encouragement feels.

I know the inward powers that restrict her abilities and wants. From consumption of other issues to self-loathing of her self and feeling unwanted - to morphing her own appearance to “No one would want this !” It’s those times of her twisted mirror altering her own perceptions when there is much much paranioa, self-loathing and condemnation  that she looks at a perfect and really attractive person and morphs it into a perceived ogre of ugliness no one would go near or should have to. Age only emplifies that.

Yes I do live in a similar life Vortex when it comes to sexual relations.

Main part rather than give up hope or criticize is to share our stories and look for the opportunities to come together in the discussions and interaction to find solutions and hopes that can bring it forward. Real difficult challenge and I appreciate the ideas I read in for possibilities to that – probabilities of making them happen – well that's another thing.

.
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