Help, I think my partners shows BPD traits

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am married for 23 yrs, with 2 children, aged 22 and 19.  I think my husband has BPD.  I have been verbally and physically abused for most of my married yrs.  I never know what to expect, sometimes outburst would take place just by be asking for money. I am unemployed due to retrenchment for about a yr now.  He tries to control and manipulate me by withholding money. Most times, I must hear that I am a user, he deserves better than me.  This kind of behaviour is only displayed to me.  

To the outside world, he is perceived to be a "very sweet, nice person" who is kind and gentle and who can't hurt a fly. Unfortunately for me, most of his anger is always taken out on me.  I never know when the next "explosion" will happen and I always get reprimanded afterwards for things I maybe said in a conversation with other people around.  So basically I can't express my feelings or be my true self as I have to constantly watch my P's and Q's.  I have also seen numerous erotic e mails and text messages with other women when I approached him about it, he always says, he's innocent and nothing happened.  Over the years, I have always forgiven him and thought well, I must be doing something wrong, I must be provoking this anger and frustration that he displays.

I was then always trying to change and improve myself, thinking that if I do and please him, he will change his behaviour.  I have now come to realise after research, that his behaviour has nothing to do with me. Yet, I always get the blame for everything.  Over the years, I have never been his top priority, it was first his mother who always controlled and guilt-tripped him to do everything she wanted.  Now it is his siblings.  Not too long ago, it was my birthday and his brother in laws birthday on the same weekend.  The brother in law lives in another state, he opted to drive down to his brother in law and the reason given to me was he is only turning 50 once and I don't know how long he has to live, forgetting that I am also celebrating a birthday.  Off course when I try to point this out, I was given a blast and told that I am jealous.

Recently I told him that I will be going on a 2 day trip with 3 other friends, immediately he withheld any money from me again, thinking that if he doesn't give me money, I can't go.  Fortunately I have very good friends who offered to pay for me.  I am constantly being push down and told how absolutely useless I am and how he deserves better.  I feel like he wants to get me down to the level that he is at.  I have nowhere else to go as I have no money and he knows this, so his behaviour has just gotten worse.  I have suggested therapy previously but then off course, I was told that I need help as there is nothing wrong with him.  He never opens up to me and doesn't discuss feelings at all unless he's in a rage, then I hear how he doesn't love me and how he will be better off without me.  When I calmly tell him, ok so let's do something about it, I get told that I am now threatening him. I am really feeling exhausted and feel like I am fighting a losing battle.  I need your help and advice please!

[Nellie]

I am married for 23 yrs, with 2 children, aged 22 and 19.  I think my husband has BPD.  I have been verbally and physically abused for most of my married yrs.  I never know what to expect, sometimes outburst would take place just by be asking for money. I am unemployed due to retrenchment for about a yr now.  He tries to control and manipulate me by withholding money. Most times, I must hear that I am a user, he deserves better than me.  This kind of behaviour is only displayed to me.  

To the outside world, he is perceived to be a "very sweet, nice person" who is kind and gentle and who can't hurt a fly. Unfortunately for me, most of his anger is always taken out on me.  I never know when the next "explosion" will happen and I always get reprimanded afterwards for things I maybe said in a conversation with other people around.  So basically I can't express my feelings or be my true self as I have to constantly watch my P's and Q's.  I have also seen numerous erotic e mails and text messages with other women when I approached him about it, he always says, he's innocent and nothing happened.  Over the years, I have always forgiven him and thought well, I must be doing something wrong, I must be provoking this anger and frustration that he displays.

I was then always trying to change and improve myself, thinking that if I do and please him, he will change his behaviour.  I have now come to realise after research, that his behaviour has nothing to do with me. Yet, I always get the blame for everything.  Over the years, I have never been his top priority, it was first his mother who always controlled and guilt-tripped him to do everything she wanted.  Now it is his siblings.  Not too long ago, it was my birthday and his brother in laws birthday on the same weekend.  The brother in law lives in another state, he opted to drive down to his brother in law and the reason given to me was he is only turning 50 once and I don't know how long he has to live, forgetting that I am also celebrating a birthday.  Off course when I try to point this out, I was given a blast and told that I am jealous.

Recently I told him that I will be going on a 2 day trip with 3 other friends, immediately he withheld any money from me again, thinking that if he doesn't give me money, I can't go.  Fortunately I have very good friends who offered to pay for me.  I am constantly being push down and told how absolutely useless I am and how he deserves better.  I feel like he wants to get me down to the level that he is at.  I have nowhere else to go as I have no money and he knows this, so his behaviour has just gotten worse.  I have suggested therapy previously but then off course, I was told that I need help as there is nothing wrong with him.  He never opens up to me and doesn't discuss feelings at all unless he's in a rage, then I hear how he doesn't love me and how he will be better off without me.  When I calmly tell him, ok so let's do something about it, I get told that I am now threatening him. I am really feeling exhausted and feel like I am fighting a losing battle.  I need your help and advice please!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums!

Your situation sounds very rough.

As I read your post, I became concerned for your safety. When is the last time that you were physically abused? What sorts of things does he do? Do you have a safety plan in place to get yourself to safety when he hits/physically abuses you?

Are there any domestic violence centers in your area? They should have resources and counseling to help you stay safe.

This site has a lot of resources available. There are lessons that you can find down the right side of this page. Lots of good stuff there!

One you might want to look at to start is:

Tools: Responding to Domestic Violence: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

[Nellie]

He doesn't get violent too often, just last week he smacked me.  There were times previously when he kicked and hit me so hard that I was left bruised.  I try to stay out of his way, cos I have nowhere else to go.  I also feel ashamed to tell anybody that he sometimes abuses me.  The physical bruises is not as bad as the verbal abuse, cos that pain never goes away.  The name calling, the insults that stays with me.  He really displays some of the BPD traits, like over-eating (currently he has been told by the doctor that he is obese), the emotional affairs, the fast driving and the change in mood in seconds.  At the moment, I feel not talking to him is my only safety net becos as soon as I speak to him again, he will just carry on with same behaviour.  I am very nervous around him as I don't know when he will become frustrated with me again and then lash out becos I am ignoring him. I have been to a few counselling sessions but I didn't find that it really helped me.  I think just having someone listen and advise me in this forum is all I need.

[Turkish]

Hello Nellie,

I'm sorry that your husband is acting this way towards you. Whatever disorder we want to ascribe, violent behavior is always a choice (for instance, does he do it in front of others, or wait to isolate you?). The link that vortex of confusion posted talks about this.

Short of severe injuries, you are right to feel that emotional/verbal/psychological abuse can be more damaging in the long term. Since you are living together, it may help to go over the lessons to the right of the board in order to learn communication tools which can help reduce conflict. This does not excuse his behaviors, but it may contribute to helping you be safer.

Speaking of which, do you have a plan in place? Do you have some were safe to go if you need to do so:

Safety First

I hope to hear more and how best we can support you Nellie!

Turkish

[married21years]

hi nellie,

your situation seems to mirror exactly what i went through. you try to fix yourself because of their projections.

you need to read up on something called codependency.

i have it in spades. you will probably need some therapy for you.

if he has physically abused you you need professional support.

good luck sean