Do I go or not?

[Verbena]

My DD30 is doing much better, and our relationship is better than it has ever been.  After a horrible situation two years ago when she found out I expressed my concerns for her BPD behavior with her best friend that resulted in several months of no contact and general craziness, we are in a good place and have been for some time. 

Her thinking is still black and white, though, and I am well aware of her "enemies."  She has always had them, going back to about age four.  The names change, but there is always someone against her.  One of her current enemies is her SIL, her husband's brother's wife.  They live a mile apart and both have new babies, but their contact is almost zero.  For almost three years, the situation between them has been strained to say the least. 

This Saturday night, I have been invited to a big get-together at her MIL's house.  Lots of relatives, both local and out-of-state, will be there.  DD's SIL (the enemy) and BIL will also be there.  This family party is also going to be a surprise birthday party for my DD who turned 30 last week. 

DD does not know I have been invited, but my son-in-law does.  When he picked up the baby from my house earlier, he brought up the party and made several comments that let me know he has concerns about it as I do.  He knows my daughter does not like surprises, and he knows his brother and his wife will be there.  I said very little because I still have such a fear of saying anything to anyone and having it get back to my daughter. 

These are my concerns.  In the past I have been accused of betraying my own daughter by "going overboard" with the enemy SIL--being "too friendly."  The SIL has two precious little girls, one just a couple of months older than my grandson, and I am worried that if I give them any attention my DD will lose it.  DD maintains no contact between her son and  his cousins. 

When I encourage her to promote a relationship for the sake of the cousins, she gets very upset.  If I say anything other than what my daughter wants to hear concerning the SIL, she gets almost hysterical.  So I say very little when she brings up her name and try to stay out of it.

I don't want to put myself in a potential situation that could end with me "betraying" my daughter again.  I am close to DD's MIL and know the anguish she feels over the situation between  her sons and their wives.  She invited me and really wants me to come.  She is going to a lot of effort to surprise my daughter in honor of her 30th birthday.  I said I would come.  But I dread it.

Should I go?   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Hi Verbena,

I do remember the intensity of your pain from that incident two years ago as you shared here.As you describe your improved relationship with your DD now, can you continue to use the same strategies at this gathering? There is potential value there for your own sense of self, as well as being there with your Son in law and their children.

Can you think about what the concrete things are that have helped restore your relationship with your DD?

What adaptations may be needed to respect you DD's needs to limit contact with the SIL and BIL of her dh?

How can you and son in law make some backup plans if things start to fall apart?

Let us know how this thinking process goes. Maybe we can brain-storm with you.

qcr

[thefixermom]

Tough position to be in.   It could turn out real well or it could explode with long term "punishment" from your DD. I'm curious why the MIL is even having this party knowing all the elements of your DD  not liking surprises and avoiding contact with SIL.  Her MIL risks there being some backlash, too.     Have there been other family gatherings where the SisIL is there and DD attends?   Or does DD take obvious pains to avoid other gatherings if SIL is there?  That could impact your decision.  It does seem that if your SonIL is willing to let this happen at least he would be absorbing some of the anger, along with his mother, but yes, she may hold it against you for keeping it a secret.  I'd be tempted for you and SonIL to give away the surprise to DD if I thought it'd help her see you are on her side and thus, giving her a confidential heads up, but then she might refuse to attend and everyone would blame you.  Perhaps with DD getting lots of birthday attention she will feel it's worth it to be there.   I suppose I would go but maintain a very light contact with the SisIL and try to give SisIL lots of genuine smiles when your DD is not looking so she knows you aren't snubbing her.  If DD is in the area, I would be as pleasantly neutral as I can.  I wonder about the future... .those cousins are going to know each other one day and will resent having been kept apart growing up.  I wonder if your DD can hear a thought like that?  Best wishes with your decision.  My answers are probably not the right ones, it's just that I bend over backwards sometimes to not trigger my DD, too, now that we are having a better stretch of getting along.  So fragile it seems!

[Verbena]

Qcr, thank you for remembering my story.  As far as what helped restore our relationship, I just stopped apologizing over and over for talking to her friend, validated her being upset, but refused to paint the friend black for talking to me.    For months my DD tried to get me to "take back" my having concerns for her behavior which I would not do. She tried to make it all about her friend's "lies" about her with no recognition of my own legitimate concerns for the BPD behavior, concerns I had long before she ever met this girl.   I finally told her enough was enough and I would not discuss it any further.  Eventually, she let go of it.  But it took a LONG time. 

I do not want to have to avoid the DIL and BIL or be rude to them.  I have been around them a few times in the past two years with no incident, but now the war has heated back up and I sense any contact with them at all will bring on problems.


fixermom, I'm not sure her MIL realizes that my daughter does not like surprises.  She obviously knows of the tension between her DIL's.  There have been a few family events when they were all there.  Nothing awful happened, but of course my daughter had plenty to say about the looks she got, the fake niceness (in her eyes), etc.  My daughter has expressed her desire that her SIL not touch her baby.  I think it's terrible that these three children (4 yrs.,  10 months, 7 months) are not allowed to be together when they live so close  with all grandparents involved close by also.  And no, she will not hear me when I suggest this is not fair to the children.  She ramps up into a dysregulation at any mention that she could be at fault for keeping the drama going. 

I am tempted to let her know about the surprise, but that's not really my place.  I'm also tempted to call my SIL and discuss the situation.  I think whatever I do, it will come back to bite me.  If I don't go at all, she will want to know why not--once she finds out about the suprise and that I was invited.  If I go, she will take offense if I'm too friendly.  I could be just barely friendly to them, and it could still set her off. 

Chances are, the SIL will look at her wrong and I will get to hear all about it whether I go or not.  I try to say as little as possible when she brings her up, but it's not easy when my DD insists that I side with her. 

I'm so sick of this crap.  I wish she could find a new enemy because this is her family, and it needs to get fixed. 

[qcarolr]

Have you talked at all with MIL about the pros and cons of the surprise bday part of this family get together? If I step into your DD's shoes, as best as I can from my own experiences, there may be an element of transition resistance involved. Any kind of big gathering brings a bit of stress for everyone. Well maybe not for those very extroverted personality types. We each put together a 'game plan' for social events. This might be a neutral way to approach MIL.

Accepting that your DD is unpredictable, be prepared for anything and remind yourself that this is about your DD's abilities not yours. It helps me so much to have practiced not taking things personally - as my responsibility -  over the past couple of years. Gradually it is becoming automatic. What a relief. I practice this with EVERYONE in my life. It just takes more energy to practice with my Dd29.

Please share your thoughts and ideas about this strategy. As you say, any action can be taken as negative by your DD and you have NO CONTROL over this.

qcr

[MammaMia]

Verbena

While her MIL is only trying to do something nice for your dd, it does not sound like she is aware of the  potential problems associated with a big surprise party.  Does she understand the feelings your dd has for some of the relatives? 

It is too bad she did not just plan a small birthday dinner that included only close family and a separate party with extended family that dd could have chosen to attend or decline. Birthdays are triggers for many wBPD, and she may feel "ambushed". 

This is really awkward. You should probably do what you are comfortable with, and hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

[Verbena]

We're about to leave for the party.  DD's husband called me yesterday and asked my advice about spilling the beans about he party.  He said he felt she was anxious anyway with the SIL and his brother there (he said he was also), and thought it would be better if she knew.  I agreed with him so he told her.

DD called me last night speculating on how the SIL would treat her.  I told her what SiL did was on her, how DD reacted was on DD. 

Ready to get this over with.

[madmom]

Good luck, it sounds like you have handled it the best that you can.

[Verbena]

They all pretty much ignored one another, including the babies.  So sad.  SIL was very friendly to me as she usually is, and I had a little conversation with her, just neutral chit chat.    I was very aware of where my daughter was at the time.  We left early and DD seemed ok.

I'm sure I will hear all about how awful she is later tonight.  I plan to say very, very little and then change the subject.  The whole situation breaks my heart for her in-laws. 

The SIL is no angel and is responsible for some of the crap that has gone on, but I believe that she and her husband both recognize that since my DD came into the family the drama factor has exploded.  I know for  a fact that the BIL said two years ago he thought my DD was trying to destroy the family.  Of course, my daughter sees it very differently. 

Anyway, it's done and I appreciate the responses here. 

[lbjnltx]

Hi verbena,

I was out of town when all this went down and am just now reading your post.

Was there any fallout from your DD about the SIL and the party?

lbj