Input needed: Anyone's S.O. have memory problems around money?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello All

I need some assistance from the group.

Many problems that I have had with my BPw centered around money (typical for all marrieds).  It seems that this is a very intense emotional topic for her because she has always had BP type reactions around the topic. 

When we first married we discussed creating a budget for almost 1 year with no resolution.  So we went to therapy to help resolve the issue and when I brought up the topic she told the therapist that we had never previously discussed it.  I thought she was playing games with me and taking out her anger (and at some level I think she was) but she literally could not bring to her memory our months of multiple multi-hour-long conversations that had taken place and instead claimed that I was; making stuff up, lying, trying to screw her etc.  All this with the caveat that when memory of money conversations would result in a favorable outcome for her personal interests; she had no memory loss and in fact a very acute memory of our words and details.

I ask because I need some help with trying to have some money talks today and I am so beside myself.  She has sent an email asking me to pay her some money for something we already agreed that we would do differently.  I am stuck.  If I tell her we already talked about this she will deny it and tell me I am a lying deceiving cheat.  Or, I pay her the money and I feel like I am repeating my old mistakes.   

Can anyone offer some suggestions on how to talk with her about money?  I simply cannot do another conversation where she “forgets” and then blames me.

I thought going through the process of divorcing would help de-sensitize her money fears as we were parting ways, but I am apparently wrong. 

Has anyone else here been through this? 

[joeramabeme]

Hello All

I need some assistance from the group.

Many problems that I have had with my BPw centered around money (typical for all marrieds).  It seems that this is a very intense emotional topic for her because she has always had BP type reactions around the topic. 

When we first married we discussed creating a budget for almost 1 year with no resolution.  So we went to therapy to help resolve the issue and when I brought up the topic she told the therapist that we had never previously discussed it.  I thought she was playing games with me and taking out her anger (and at some level I think she was) but she literally could not bring to her memory our months of multiple multi-hour-long conversations that had taken place and instead claimed that I was; making stuff up, lying, trying to screw her etc.  All this with the caveat that when memory of money conversations would result in a favorable outcome for her personal interests; she had no memory loss and in fact a very acute memory of our words and details.

I ask because I need some help with trying to have some money talks today and I am so beside myself.  She has sent an email asking me to pay her some money for something we already agreed that we would do differently.  I am stuck.  If I tell her we already talked about this she will deny it and tell me I am a lying deceiving cheat.  Or, I pay her the money and I feel like I am repeating my old mistakes.   

Can anyone offer some suggestions on how to talk with her about money?  I simply cannot do another conversation where she “forgets” and then blames me.

I thought going through the process of divorcing would help de-sensitize her money fears as we were parting ways, but I am apparently wrong. 

Has anyone else here been through this? 

[UserName69]

My exBPD has a debt of 150k, I never wanted to ask her about it but later she told me that other people tried to screw her over and made all kind of bs stories up. I think it was her fault her financial stuff was always a mess. Combining BPD with money/business is a formula for an atomic bomb.

I do believe it's her fault, she always makes the wrong decisions and whenever someone gives her advice she freaks out. Worst part is she's risking to lose her house which means that she and her relatives will end up being homeless. Yet she can't see what she did and still kept blaming others.

At the end I'm glad our rs is over so I don't have to deal with all her bs. I know it sounds harsh but I really don't care if she would lose her house. She's the one who made the wrong decisions like an unrealistic kid.

I offered her an option once but her ego kicked in and she told me that she can handle it without me. Well I hope she won't forget it.

[13YearGoodbye]

My SO has memory problems about everything all the time... .I hate to use absolute terms like "everything", and "all", but it gets the point across. When I was unaware, and still enmeshed in the drama, she'd say things like, "You told me _____", and I'm like I couldn't have said that, because it violates my principles... .and my whole life is driven by honoring my principles. Didn't matter if it was a second ago, an hour, or a decade.

It seems to me, like for my SO BPDw emotions get substituted for memories, and they all get munged together so there is no telling where one stops and the other starts. I used to question my sanity, because she very convincingly tells me what I said, or what I did... .One time, early on, when I almost escaped, we had a fight for a couple of weeks by eMail... .It was glorious for me, because I could look back at the written record, and observe that I didn't write anything even remotely close to what she was saying I did. That's when I started trusting my own memories, and learning to never discuss the past (that means even 1 second ago) because her memories were unreliable.

She can't even remember from day to day how she likes her food cooked... .I was the chief cook, and one day she'd say that her favorite way to have a food cooked was xyz, so I'd make it that way next time I cooked it, and she'd say she hates it when that food is cooked xyz.

The dissociative memory issues were the most surreal thing about BPD to me. I can deal with splitting, that has nothing to do with me. I can walk away from the rages for minutes, or days, or months. It doesn't matter to me if she has stormy relations with everyone around her. I dealt with the incessant need to never be exposed to the slightest bit of invalidation by becoming totally passive, and never expressing an opinion about nothing... .Then nurtured by touch, and with food.

[Smileypants]

My BPD husband has this too.  But he is convinced he has a photographic memory.  So no matter what it is, I can't be right because he has a photographic memory.  The foods he likes, how he likes them, what foods I like, how I like my foods cooked, what my kids like and don't like, the amount of money that things cost, how much he spent, how much I told him a bill was, the house payment amount, when bills are due, what day and time I work... .the list goes on and on.  It is an impossible situation.  But it always changes, the truth (his memory) always changes.

[fromheeltoheal]

My BPD husband has this too.  But he is convinced he has a photographic memory.  So no matter what it is, I can't be right because he has a photographic memory.  The foods he likes, how he likes them, what foods I like, how I like my foods cooked, what my kids like and don't like, the amount of money that things cost, how much he spent, how much I told him a bill was, the house payment amount, when bills are due, what day and time I work... .the list goes on and on.  It is an impossible situation.  But it always changes, the truth (his memory) always changes.

Yeah mine too, photographic memory with the BPD CGI app installed.  Feelings are facts to borderlines, much easier to change a memory of a fact than regulating the emotions around it.  Documentation helps, although that will be denied too; I had her sign things and guess what?  Now I'm a forger... .

[rotiroti]

Isn't selective memory one of the features of a BPD?


Mine had to visit past places and talk to the people there to remember what happened from 16-23

[Panda39]

Here is some information on ":)issociation" you might want to check this out.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68392.0

Does your pwBPD have past trauma surrounding money? 

My SO's uBPDxw grew up in a house were money and appearances were the "family values". 

Her father had all kinds of money when she was young, then he lost it all.  Father started "businesses" and was taken to court several times, he owed several hundreds of thousands of dollars in back taxes to the State of Wisc, he used his children's Social Security numbers to create some of his businesses, I know that uBPDxw's oldest brother was part of a lawsuit brought against their father because guess who's social security number was used? (her brother in his 20's).  Her father wrote my SO a check when they were dating or early in their marriage that bounced.  Her dad's suburban house burned down and so lets take the insurance money and buy the "deluxe apartment in the sky" in Chicago. So there was money drama and trauma her whole childhood and then throw in the pressure to maintain "Appearances"... .easy when you have money... .not so much when you don't. 

That is a lot of instability and pressure put on the children in the family.  My SO other and I suspect uBPDxw's sister may also be BPD, her brother's all successful business men (or are they?).  It looks that way and that is exactly how they were raised.

Some people with BPD habitually cheat, some do drugs and some are alcoholics my SO's uBPDxw's issues always surround money.  Sometimes she forgets things about money (promises made but never kept), sometimes she imagine's she has money (gonna buy a 2M dollar house on $1,200 a mo in alimony, is gonna send D18 to college on the "family trust" but oops there isn't one, gonna pay that back rent on Tuesday nope evicted again... .) and sometimes she just likes to play with her money and move $25.00 around various bank accounts.

This woman currently has a civil suit against her regarding money and a felony fraud charge against her for writing a large bad check on a closed bank account. 

Sorry kind of went off on my own little rant   

Just ignore that part    and read about ":)isassociation" 

Panda39