Never been angrier..

[klacey3]

Sorry about all the recent threads but I really need to vent about this one!

I broke up with him about a week ago and he told me he had thoughts of suicide to lose me to then telling me a few days later he has found someone else. Anyway after that I kept saying things like "Im  leaving because you said I am crueler than anyone else and dont treat you nicely. I try and make u happy and keep failing. I have to walk away." He tells me how he always tells me the truth and i am a compulsive liar and can't admit I found someone else. I said again i wanted him to be happy and I dont make him happy he says im full of **** and he can tell when im lying as he knows me inside out and wants me to be miserable.

Anyway this is the serious part... .I tell him to stop giving me crappy messages because I just heard from a family member they wanted to phone me to tell me bad news and i dont need him stressing me out on top of it. He responds with "yep all my fault" i say i never said that but to shut up because I am about to hear bad news. He asks what it was and i dont reply. He then sends me "" I tell him a family member in my immediate family has cancer that has spread to other areas. I told him this at 5pm yesterday... .he waits til this morning to send me:

Him: you alright

Me: It took you a day to reply to my message and u dont even say your sorry to hear when you do...

Him: I knew I would get the blame

Me: I just told you they had cancer that has spread and you are incapable of showing sympathy or saying you are sorry to hear

Him: So I didn't say you alright today despite everything you've put me through? Whatever

Me: You asked me if i was alright a day later. You heartless ***** My family member has cancer and all u do is moan about what I put you through? They are dying!

Him: Well text him and not me then

Me: you heartless *******

Him: Yeah it was the act of a heartless prick or ****** to message you you ok.

I am so angry! How can someone I was with for a year who tells me they dont want to live without me a week ago be so uncompassionate and rude over something so serious! I am so upset as it I cant even explain. He has made this worse than it already is  I never ever want to see or talk to him again after this. I am speechless. My world is upside down with the news I have received and the shock of everything going on and feel so much to have someone talk to me like that.

[WhatJustHappened?]

So I think your buttons are being pushed and that the cancer crisis is something that deviates from being all about him. As you can see, this is not a healthy response and exhibits no sense of empathy and understanding.

I am also sorry to hear about your family member. That's tough news. Perhaps you should block or just ignore him until the crisis is under control? You will get nothing constructive from him.

Remember, he's pushing buttons and knows that this will make you mad.

Hang in there! My thoughts and prayers to you and your family member.

[Devaluedman]

Klacey,

Sorry for your pain. This stuff is what they do. They are virulent narcissists. I believe narcissism, more than anything, defines this mental disease. They live in a private fishbowl of their own emotions and "hurt."  Like a child. They don't care about your loss or hurt--or even what's happening in your life, unless it affects their private world. It's impossible to penetrate it and get through, and this is obvious from your exchanges with him.

I tried to penetrate my ex's world, but it was like trying to draw water from a stone. They are rigid people, assured that their way of seeing things is altogether correct, and your imposition on their perceptions is a vicious slight against their "good" character.

Mine didn't even know my birthday or my age! I know recounting this seems petty, but it's a huge indication of their self-absorption.

Matter of fact, if I remember, my ex remembered one of her friends' birthdays and went out of her way to buy her a present. This, while she couldn't even recall my birthday or age. That's very hurtful. But that's what they do. Their "friends" are way more important than you. 

[pallavirajsinghani]

I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time... .just from your one post I can see that you are a healthy person, with healthy emotions... .and he is not.  You face your pain, you accept it, you embrace it, you acknowledge it.  He will just disguise it, blame it on you, distract it by jumping into another relationship... .he will never confront it.

And this observation also leads to the following important conclusion:-

*You will be able to over come this pain.  You will learn from it.  You will learn what is healthy for you and what is not and that it is ok to walk away from that which gives you unhappiness.  You will be stronger for going through this painful experience, wiser and even more capable of happiness.

*His denial of pain... .means his circle of negativity will continue... .no learning from experience, no wisdom, no chance of personal growth.

So, step by step... .start taking good care of yourself... .friends, family, good experiences... .teach yourself how to enjoy life again... .treat your inner self like a little injured baby and you its strong mother who has to nurture it back by giving it little by little good experiences, good sensations, good thoughts... .this comes from small things... .awareness of the way the sun shines through the leaves, consciously feeling the breeze on the face, consciously being aware of the scent of the wet pine needles after a rain, looking at a flower intently and absorbing all its beauty... .the sensation of water splashing on ones skin while washing hands... .

It's is amazing that being aware of the universe around us in its full sensual glory heals and allows the self to thrive.

At first it will appear to be a fake hokey mental exercise... .but stay with it and very soon... .in a matter of days... .you will begin to see joy returning to you... .

God Bless.

[klacey3]

"You lie about so many things I wouldnt be suprised if you were making it up. I hope for your familys sake you're not. Im tempted to tell you which girl im seeing next week... .i wont stoop to your level. Im warning you now, don't play games"

I think I am going to be sick...

[Mutt]

I'm sorry you're going through this

He's hurt and wants to make you feel as bad as he feels and that's why he wants to tell you about other women. He's projecting his feelings and actions.

Did you get this message today?

[klacey3]

I'm sorry you're going through this

He's hurt and wants to make you feel as bad as he feels and that's why he wants to tell you about other women. He's projecting his feelings and actions.

Did you get this message today?

He accused me of making it up... .and TRYING to attempt to hurt me further by telling me which girl he plans to meet up with... .i told him about a family member being riddled with cancer and he thinks im playing a game and lying about it... .


This is a sick sick thing to do... i just hope he doesnt message my family... they would kill him.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear about your family member. Who would lie about something like that? That's terrible he's trying to tell you what girl he's with  

He's not displaying empathy and he's being self-centered. I can understand how angry that would make someone feel.

Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can’t have his own way.

A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively op criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Emotional Immaturity

[klacey3]

I'm sorry to hear about your family member. Who would lie about something like that? That's terrible he's trying to tell you what girl he's with  

He's not displaying empathy and he's being self-centered. I can understand how angry that would make someone feel.

Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can’t have his own way.

A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively op criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Emotional Immaturity

If only they could understand

[Beach_Babe]

I'm so sorry Klacey. How are you and your loved ones doing today?

[Skip]

Can things get easier? :/ i dont know what to do anymore.

Hi Klacey.

To answer your question, at least in the short term, absolutely. Things can get better.

Right now it sounds like the two of you are caught up in a cycle of conflict. He says something - you react - you say something - he reacts.

Before anything can get better, we have to stop making it worse.

It will help to stop tossing the ball (conflict) back at him. No matter how frustrating or deserving he is of your feelings, you will feel better if you step back from the swell of emotions. Let go of the the incredulousness you feel.

He may keep coming at you for a bit - but if you stop - his emotional burst will extinguish too.

None of this is to say stay or go, or he's good or bad, or you should open any door- it's just to get to a less emotionally charged place. Ask for space to calm down if you feel you need it.

Make sense?  Here is a 3 minute video on breaking the conflict cycle.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

I really love him, I feel like I am meant to be with him, I don't have the strength to cut him out of my life and move on but maybe I am just being weak/guilty... I go through stages of feeling like I love him and want to work out our issues and try to be supportive and learn not to care about certain things and then I think it would be easier to be with someone else who at least looks after themself and could look after me.

A lot of these relationship are too good to leave and too bad to stay. You are not alone in these feelings or this paradox. Accepting that someone can be both "too good to leave and too bad to stay" is a very uncomfortable reality - but it might help you process what is going on with yourself.

If you are planning on ever seeing him again, even if just to sort out where you are, or breakup and settle things, I'd encourage you to look at a few of the communication tools on the staying board.

Like the others here, I'm sorry you are going through this right now.  I can tell you are hurting.  I know you care for him.  I can she you are hurt and angry.