Scared and relieved.

[Just_A_Mom]

Hello everyone,

I have found your site after a long research and finally admitting to myself that my son (just turned 15) fits the BPD criteria. This is very hard to admit. My DH and I had many behavioral problems with my son since he was little. At first we thought he was just unusually intense and oppositional but, as he grew, his behaviors escalated. We've blamed ourselves and each other and our parents have blamed our parenting style. We've had some in-home support but it has not yielded much positive results.

The last year has been a nightmare and I think it's basically the combination of BPD and teenagehood.

I'm 50 and my husband is 65. As far as I know, other than alcoholism (my father), there is no mental illness in my family. On my husband's side there is a lot of depression (him and his father). We're struggling, to say the least. This past year is the first time son's behavior has "left home" and affected others. It landed him in trouble with police. Thankfully no charges were laid (long story), but the fall out has made me painfully aware that there is something more going on here than just teenage rebellion.

I have not shared my findings with my husband yet. Partly because I'm still in denial and I don't want this to be true. Partly because I'm not sure how he'll react. And partly because I'm still in the mourning stage and need time to process this. There is a huge ache in my heart after the realization that my son may not be "normal". that he may never have a normal, happy life he deserves. "Why him?" echos in my thoughts. I've cried a lot.

But I know I'll get over it because I'm a practical person and realize it's more important now to learn strategies specific to this disorder to help him.

Glad I have found you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

Welcome, I feel your pain, it is so hard to face the truth of our circumstances, and yes there is definitely a lot of mourning for those lost dreams.  The good news is you have found a place of love and support for your journey.  My daughter is 27 now and wasn't diagnosed with BPD as early as your son.  I sure wish that I had found this site when my daughter was your son's age. I would have done a better job of validating, using SET, and setting reasonable boundaries much sooner.  After many, many struggles, my daughter is doing well now, so there is hope. Best wishes, you are not alone.

[livednlearned]

Hi Just_A_Mom,

I wanted to join madmom is welcoming you to the site, and hope you share more about what you're going through. What is your relationship like with your son right now?

People here understand and really do care. My son just turned 14 and while he has not been diagnosed BPD, he was diagnosed ODD, ADHD, anxiety/depression at age 9. I feel that the tools I learned here and from therapy have helped so much. The lessons and tools in the sidebar on the right are very useful (validation in particular, including SET and boundaries like madmom mentioned).

Two books that were particularly helpful are Blaise Aguirre's book (2nd edition) called BPD in Adolescence. The other is Raising Cain: The Hidden Emotional Life of Boys. This last one was particularly helpful because there is much more research on BPD in girls, and understanding the social + emotional culture that boys must survive made me recognize my own biases and knee-jerk responses to my son's emotional episodes.

You can mourn here and share your feelings of grief in this safe space. It's important to express how you're feeling and to take care of yourself while you are loving and living with someone who has BPD traits. 

I'm glad you found us too. 

LnL

[Just_A_Mom]

Thank you, Madmom and LivednLearned, for your warm welcome  . I will write about our journey, just don't know where to start right now  . There are so many things to say and so many things that have suddenly made sense looking back. And I have suddenly found so much material to read (here and some books I downloaded on Kindle), I wish I could stop time for a month to just sit and read and learn while the world stood still so things don't get worse while I'm taking my time to absorb all this info to understand and to help my son, and us as a family. And I've been devouring the material here (the lessons are fantastic!). I feel like my brain is about to explode but at the same time it's so good to know there are tools I can use and there is hope.