When only one wheel spins

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone, I'm a 34 year old professional male.  Ive been in a relationship with a woman with BPD for about a year.  I have been frequenting this site over the past month or so in effort to better understand and cope with our relationship, and the sometimes overwhelming feelings that I deal with every single day. The relationship can be broken down into 2 parts, before and after a month long breakup and no contact during March of this year.

Part 1:

My partner and I met while we were both still married. Her marriage, was in its 3rd year (together 7 overall) and it was with a man whom our couples counselor described as "very narcisstic". She had claimed to have fallen out of love with him completely and I gave her the strength to leqve the marriage. I was married only a few months (together for 3.5 years) to a women that I never loved. I married her because of constant pressure from not only her, but my parents, other family and friends to "settle down and start a family". Meeting my current partner also felt like it gave me the strength to leave my marriage finally.  The first few months were amamzing. We were inseperable, did everything together. She even moved in after only a few months with her son and all was amazing. In January, that all changed. Once my divorce was finalized (she would hound me to get it over quickly), she began to make attempts to make her divorce "go easier" by "being nice" to her soon to be ex husband. This made me extremely uncomfortable to the point that I began having performance issue during our intamate incounters because of her constant lying and deception as to her dealings with her ex.  She took this issue extremely personally and she dealt with it by moving closer to her soon to be ex. Everything boiled over in late January when I kicked her out of my home and she chose to move out with help from her ex husband.  After she moved out, things got worse. It was a cycle of breakups and getting back together during the month of Februrary, and each turn in the relationship was totally controlled by her. I felt helpless and the few moments we would have that reminded me of the begining had me doing whatever i could for a return to that feeling. As we got closer to the end of "part 1", she began to do and say simple things like "ill call you in a bit" and "im moving everything back in on x date" but never follow through. This caused my anxiety level to steadily climb and culminated in a text message rant that caused her to file a police report and a phone call to me that ended our relationship and contact for a month.  I was devistated. I couldnt comprehend how someone could continue to say they loved someone so much, yet it seemed like no matter what she said, she could never follow through and do it. I felt worthless and extremely depressed.

The month apart:

Ive seen a therapist for several years and i worked with him to try and reestablish my self worth. I signed up for a "dating website" a few weeks in to boost my self esteem and of she found it. This caused hernto reach out to me and try to rip me apart for it. After several days of attacks, she reached out to me, nicely, on opening day in early april. I had purchased us a partial season ticket plan in december and we bought each other matching jackets for christmas to wear that day. I was obviously bummed out all day and her texts invigorated me. Even after a month, i had missed her immensly.

Part 2:

We met up and she clung to the dating web site i had joined as he way to control everything. I chose to ignore how she ended the first part and went into complete defensive/prove myself mode and ignored all of the issues i had. When i was able to finally bring my worries up, she suggested couples counseling. I was floored. She had claimed she spent the entire month sad and upset, and had "changed". During our first portion of the relationship, during EVERY fight, she threatened to leave the relationship and would run to her moms for days at a time. The first time we fought, after we were back together, she immediatly told me to calm down when she saw me getting defensive and worrying she would run again, and that she "wasnt running".  I was floored. She HAD changed (or so i thought). She wanted to work through past issues via couples counseling, and was consiously doing things to ensure that i wouldnt have to worry about her usual tactic to keep control (running). This lasted for about 3 weeks. We attended a total of 5 sessions (1 individual each, 3 together) and each time we went, she would be more and more uncomfortable going each time. The last time we went, we were 15 minutes late because i had to chase her around the parking lot just to go inside. The weirdest part was how she always would be happy and content with the progress following and even telling me that she was glad we did. Even to this day, when we fight, she will still quote things from our counselor (although it is always for her benefit and to keep control). As her interest in the counseling reduced, she again began to spend more and more time with her ex... .again. At first intried tongive her the benefit ofnthe doubt, but then she began attacking me for things that were obviously said to her by him (my ex wife, during phase 1, decided to call him and tell all kinds of lies about me... that i drank to much, that i was bisexual, that i was addicted to perscription medication). He would then brow beat my partner with these lies until she would admit there may be some validity to them. When this began, i immediatley retreated into defensive mode and began to defend and try to prove myself. She used that reaction as her way to begin to back away from the relationship. The cycle of good and bad, break ups and back together, began again 2 weeks ago and culminated with her and i having an amazing night (just like in the begining of both phases), and then she completely checked out of the relationship. She also started a new job at that time. Her ex husband had recently moved into a new house and began to use his lack of neeed for a storage unit to gain control over her as well (he placed her thjngs in a unit when he helped her move out of my house in january and paid for it). He claimed he woukd keep her things if she didnt try to be a family again at his new home. She began staying at the house, and in her sons bedroom (what she says, and has sent me photos as her proof) a few days after the she disengaged from our relationship. Ive tried my best to understand her claim that she was "doing this for her son and for us so when she moved back in there was no issue". Yet, she still has been cycling through the cycle of "im done/we have alot to talk about and i want to be with you". This cycle pretty much goes based on my level of anxiety with her current situation and choices and if i speak out about it. Weve spent a total of 6 hours together in the past 2+ weeks and her promises to "call soon" continue to go unfufilled. Two nights ago, we met to talk and she informed me of new "worries" she has. These worries the same as before, yet she did admit that there is a level of comfort she feels being in that house with her ex and son because it was home to her for 7 years. While im not making excuses, i can understand that in a sense. She has just started an office job after years of working as a bartender and there is a support system he had readily available to lessen her worries in regards to child care. She has also recently admitted her biggest worry is ne abandoning her. She is afraid i will leave her like i did my ex wife and has a fear of being asked to move out again if indont agree with her choices. Each time i tell her i understand and that i have the same fears, she glosses over them and goes right back to her needs and feelings. After our talk, we spent almost an hour making out in the rain like a couple of high school kids and i was filled with hope. When she left, she immediatly went to her exs house despite claiming she was staying at her moms and, despite her strong promises, she never called me when she "got home". The next morning, my anxiety level high, i confronted her. The began a day of her claiming she was "done" and wanted nothing to do with me again. While i agreed at first, i was then overwhelmed with pain of losing her. I spent the remainder of the day begging her via emails and texts to "come home". We spoke when she got out of work and claimed she never said she "was done". Even when i confronted her with facts, she ignored them and told me she just needed "space" and time to "think" so she can finally "reengage" in the relationship. Said she just needed "a few hours". I havent spoken to her since, despite her claim that she would call me "in a bit". (I said "babe dont say it if your not going to do it", she responded "i promise".

Right now, she has all the power and control. No matter what demands and boundries inplace in front of her, she demolishes them because she knows i love her, and am not ready for this to end. She continues the cycle of "im done/i just need this for us to continue" daily, and sometimes hourly now. She is back to the exact person she was at the end of phase 1 and I am at a loss as to how to regain any type of control and balance with her. Any help, suggestions, or thoughts would be GREATLY approciated. Here is some background on her:

She is 25, has a 5 year old son

Mother was married to her father untill she was 8, and then married 3 other times

She has 4 sibilings, 3 from her father and 1 from another of her mothers marriages

Her ex husband has been convicted of 1 domestic violence and is currently in the process of another case that happened during phase 2

She moved out of her moms at the age of 17, never went to college.

She refuses to speak with her father

Both her mom and dad and dying of cancer.

[Goblue22]

Hello everyone, I'm a 34 year old professional male.  Ive been in a relationship with a woman with BPD for about a year.  I have been frequenting this site over the past month or so in effort to better understand and cope with our relationship, and the sometimes overwhelming feelings that I deal with every single day. The relationship can be broken down into 2 parts, before and after a month long breakup and no contact during March of this year.

Part 1:

My partner and I met while we were both still married. Her marriage, was in its 3rd year (together 7 overall) and it was with a man whom our couples counselor described as "very narcisstic". She had claimed to have fallen out of love with him completely and I gave her the strength to leqve the marriage. I was married only a few months (together for 3.5 years) to a women that I never loved. I married her because of constant pressure from not only her, but my parents, other family and friends to "settle down and start a family". Meeting my current partner also felt like it gave me the strength to leave my marriage finally.  The first few months were amamzing. We were inseperable, did everything together. She even moved in after only a few months with her son and all was amazing. In January, that all changed. Once my divorce was finalized (she would hound me to get it over quickly), she began to make attempts to make her divorce "go easier" by "being nice" to her soon to be ex husband. This made me extremely uncomfortable to the point that I began having performance issue during our intamate incounters because of her constant lying and deception as to her dealings with her ex.  She took this issue extremely personally and she dealt with it by moving closer to her soon to be ex. Everything boiled over in late January when I kicked her out of my home and she chose to move out with help from her ex husband.  After she moved out, things got worse. It was a cycle of breakups and getting back together during the month of Februrary, and each turn in the relationship was totally controlled by her. I felt helpless and the few moments we would have that reminded me of the begining had me doing whatever i could for a return to that feeling. As we got closer to the end of "part 1", she began to do and say simple things like "ill call you in a bit" and "im moving everything back in on x date" but never follow through. This caused my anxiety level to steadily climb and culminated in a text message rant that caused her to file a police report and a phone call to me that ended our relationship and contact for a month.  I was devistated. I couldnt comprehend how someone could continue to say they loved someone so much, yet it seemed like no matter what she said, she could never follow through and do it. I felt worthless and extremely depressed.

The month apart:

Ive seen a therapist for several years and i worked with him to try and reestablish my self worth. I signed up for a "dating website" a few weeks in to boost my self esteem and of she found it. This caused hernto reach out to me and try to rip me apart for it. After several days of attacks, she reached out to me, nicely, on opening day in early april. I had purchased us a partial season ticket plan in december and we bought each other matching jackets for christmas to wear that day. I was obviously bummed out all day and her texts invigorated me. Even after a month, i had missed her immensly.

Part 2:

We met up and she clung to the dating web site i had joined as he way to control everything. I chose to ignore how she ended the first part and went into complete defensive/prove myself mode and ignored all of the issues i had. When i was able to finally bring my worries up, she suggested couples counseling. I was floored. She had claimed she spent the entire month sad and upset, and had "changed". During our first portion of the relationship, during EVERY fight, she threatened to leave the relationship and would run to her moms for days at a time. The first time we fought, after we were back together, she immediatly told me to calm down when she saw me getting defensive and worrying she would run again, and that she "wasnt running".  I was floored. She HAD changed (or so i thought). She wanted to work through past issues via couples counseling, and was consiously doing things to ensure that i wouldnt have to worry about her usual tactic to keep control (running). This lasted for about 3 weeks. We attended a total of 5 sessions (1 individual each, 3 together) and each time we went, she would be more and more uncomfortable going each time. The last time we went, we were 15 minutes late because i had to chase her around the parking lot just to go inside. The weirdest part was how she always would be happy and content with the progress following and even telling me that she was glad we did. Even to this day, when we fight, she will still quote things from our counselor (although it is always for her benefit and to keep control). As her interest in the counseling reduced, she again began to spend more and more time with her ex... .again. At first intried tongive her the benefit ofnthe doubt, but then she began attacking me for things that were obviously said to her by him (my ex wife, during phase 1, decided to call him and tell all kinds of lies about me... that i drank to much, that i was bisexual, that i was addicted to perscription medication). He would then brow beat my partner with these lies until she would admit there may be some validity to them. When this began, i immediatley retreated into defensive mode and began to defend and try to prove myself. She used that reaction as her way to begin to back away from the relationship. The cycle of good and bad, break ups and back together, began again 2 weeks ago and culminated with her and i having an amazing night (just like in the begining of both phases), and then she completely checked out of the relationship. She also started a new job at that time. Her ex husband had recently moved into a new house and began to use his lack of neeed for a storage unit to gain control over her as well (he placed her thjngs in a unit when he helped her move out of my house in january and paid for it). He claimed he woukd keep her things if she didnt try to be a family again at his new home. She began staying at the house, and in her sons bedroom (what she says, and has sent me photos as her proof) a few days after the she disengaged from our relationship. Ive tried my best to understand her claim that she was "doing this for her son and for us so when she moved back in there was no issue". Yet, she still has been cycling through the cycle of "im done/we have alot to talk about and i want to be with you". This cycle pretty much goes based on my level of anxiety with her current situation and choices and if i speak out about it. Weve spent a total of 6 hours together in the past 2+ weeks and her promises to "call soon" continue to go unfufilled. Two nights ago, we met to talk and she informed me of new "worries" she has. These worries the same as before, yet she did admit that there is a level of comfort she feels being in that house with her ex and son because it was home to her for 7 years. While im not making excuses, i can understand that in a sense. She has just started an office job after years of working as a bartender and there is a support system he had readily available to lessen her worries in regards to child care. She has also recently admitted her biggest worry is ne abandoning her. She is afraid i will leave her like i did my ex wife and has a fear of being asked to move out again if indont agree with her choices. Each time i tell her i understand and that i have the same fears, she glosses over them and goes right back to her needs and feelings. After our talk, we spent almost an hour making out in the rain like a couple of high school kids and i was filled with hope. When she left, she immediatly went to her exs house despite claiming she was staying at her moms and, despite her strong promises, she never called me when she "got home". The next morning, my anxiety level high, i confronted her. The began a day of her claiming she was "done" and wanted nothing to do with me again. While i agreed at first, i was then overwhelmed with pain of losing her. I spent the remainder of the day begging her via emails and texts to "come home". We spoke when she got out of work and claimed she never said she "was done". Even when i confronted her with facts, she ignored them and told me she just needed "space" and time to "think" so she can finally "reengage" in the relationship. Said she just needed "a few hours". I havent spoken to her since, despite her claim that she would call me "in a bit". (I said "babe dont say it if your not going to do it", she responded "i promise".

Right now, she has all the power and control. No matter what demands and boundries inplace in front of her, she demolishes them because she knows i love her, and am not ready for this to end. She continues the cycle of "im done/i just need this for us to continue" daily, and sometimes hourly now. She is back to the exact person she was at the end of phase 1 and I am at a loss as to how to regain any type of control and balance with her. Any help, suggestions, or thoughts would be GREATLY approciated. Here is some background on her:

She is 25, has a 5 year old son

Mother was married to her father untill she was 8, and then married 3 other times

She has 4 sibilings, 3 from her father and 1 from another of her mothers marriages

Her ex husband has been convicted of 1 domestic violence and is currently in the process of another case that happened during phase 2

She moved out of her moms at the age of 17, never went to college.

She refuses to speak with her father

Both her mom and dad and dying of cancer.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Welcome Goblue22,

once BPD comes into play relationships become complex and you got a story to tell!

Right now, she has all the power and control. No matter what demands and boundries inplace in front of her, she demolishes them because she knows i love her, and am not ready for this to end. She continues the cycle of "im done/i just need this for us to continue" daily, and sometimes hourly now. She is back to the exact person she was at the end of phase 1 and I am at a loss as to how to regain any type of control and balance with her. Any help, suggestions, or thoughts would be GREATLY approciated. Here is some background on her:

She has only the power you give to her. She can't smash boundaries you are serious about. It is expected with the first boundaries that they will be badly tested. Boundaries must be under your control for that reason. Don't put up boundaries you are not willing to defend - otherwise she is just learning that they don't mean anything.

She is 25, has a 5 year old son

Mother was married to her father untill she was 8, and then married 3 other times

She has 4 sibilings, 3 from her father and 1 from another of her mothers marriages

Sounds like she is used to volatile family situations. Difficult to know how she perceives your current situation.

Her ex husband has been convicted of 1 domestic violence and is currently in the process of another case that happened during phase

It takes two to fight. You only know her story. Be careful.

She moved out of her moms at the age of 17, never went to college.

She refuses to speak with her father

Both her mom and dad and dying of cancer.

That emotional pressure can contribute to make her less rationale. Validation of abandonment and death that is active listening to such stuff is tough but a worthwhile thing to do. If you are up for it and she opens pay attention.

When i was able to finally bring my worries up, she suggested couples counseling.

Couple counseling is generally not recommended as it is often problem solving oriented and the pwBPD does not bring enough maturity to the table to stand the conflicts related to problem solving or is not able to adhere to an agreed course of action. However couple counseling can also open in some cases the route to individual counseling. You have a T you talk to - maybe he has someone he could recommend?

Last but not least ,

a0

[Goblue22]

Thank you very much for the response. I had never heard that fact in regards to couples counseling but you hit the nail on the head with the maturity thing for sure... .ive never had to chase someone around a parking lot to get them to knock off the tantrum and go into the $200 and hour appointment that was her idea... .

As far as boundries; i have no issue setting multiple. My issue, as you noticed, is enforcing them. While that may sound like to harsh of a word, she knows that when she threatens the relationship, i fold like a lawn chair everytime.  That is her single, yet very effective attack on each boundary i set. Any recommendations, be it what to say/how to act or anything else that might help me "get some backbone" with her and her habitual line stepping would be a massive help.

Thank you again for your response.

[scarletviolet]

I am not sure,  I am new to this, but i have been married for 4 years,with him on and off for 8 years and i can honestly say that I don't think they can change unless they want to, they don't recognise they are ill... .i found some emails i wrote to him way before we got married ... .me pouring my heart to him telling him how i felt, and what he was doing was wrong... the email is so current even if it was written 6 years ago, its quite scary actually... .

he did get better for a while, when he needed me and made me believe i was the greatest person on planet earth, he married me telling me all the things i wanted to hear... .i  honestly thought he finally seen the light and we would be happy ever after, but unfortunately the illness crept back in... .they will eventually start again to show their true colours and when they get too close to comfort they will remove you , like you are not worth anything.

but the thing is all of us, we are worth so much more than this toxic relationships... .but its in our good nature to try and fix what we cannot fix really... .now i realise i am completely deluded, and i can guarantee you that my husband is not feeling at all any of the stuff i am feeling right now... .that really gives me strength to move on and pursue the things that really matter to me, like having a family ( something that he refused to do to the extend to go and have a vasectomy behind my back whilst he was saying to friends we were trying to have kids- sick ) and be with someone that truly appreciates me for who i am and what i stand for... .certainly it can't possibly be him, after he broke all of our marriage vows and he doesn't even seem to be bothered... .

really my question is... .why are we willing to put up with so much crap? are we really not worth of being loved unconditionally in the same way we do with them?

[Goblue22]

We've only been together just under a year. I guess for me, I'm not ready to let go of the good just yet. That and thanks to help from this forum and the articles on the site, I'm begining to recognize a pattern with her behavior yet i'm still struggling to incorporate better ways of handling situations. I feel "stuck". My first instinct is to become defensive, both in protecting myself from her constant threats of running but also with her attacks when she feels threatened by how her actions are being recieved by me. Case in point:

Last night, she called me when she got off of work, and immediatley attack me on several fronts.  She has been basiclly living with her ex husband for the past 3 weeks, she says its for her son, but the subtle hints she drops is because it places her in a comfortable place. She swears up and down that she has no interest in him, and has made several attempts to send photos of her in a room seperate from her ex and with her son in bed. The call began with her swearing and promising she hadnt done a thing physically or emtionally to compromise our relationship, and when i ignored those words and concentrated on her continued use of the silent treatment, she accused me of hacking her email (i did not) and then began claiming she drove by my house the night before and saw a women entering around 7:30PM (i was out to dinner with family at that time). When i refused to engage, she then moved onto threatening to end everything claiming she "cant please everyone". Because i knew exactly what her next move was prior to her making it. I attempted to use the set method and she asked me to call her after 10, she promised she would answer. I knew she wouldnt, and she did not. It feels like she was doing it for control, but i believe the real reason was for survival; meaning she didnt want to answer in effort to keep her ex happy and her "comfort zone" in tact.

I believe its her comfort zone because it was what she knew previously for 7 years and the volitility of our relationship (both of use taking turns threatening to end the relationship). I dont know how to stop myself from falling into the same things she does when she threatens to leave, and not make the same threat myself.

[Goblue22]

The worst part about all of this is that its a never ending circle. Because she didnt answer last night when she asked me to call her, i emailed her twice and called 20 times. Yes, 20. It almost feels like she is only capable of satisfying her need to make sure im still "on the hook" and then she goes right back to doing whatever the hell she wants because, in the past, no matter how verbally defiant iam, i always accept her back when she finally comes around. How do i break this cycle? Is this a boundary issue? If so, what would the best way to enforce said boundary to stop this ridiculous merry-go-round?  What boundary should i be placin here that is correct and wont garner fear of abandonment on her end?  Here is the cycle in basic form:

1. She suddenly, and completely disengages from the relationship claiming she needs "time to think" and her stress and anxiety are "overwhelming"

2. In the past, shes ran to her moms for weeks on end, coming up for air to engage with me in small doses, just enough to pacify me that her feelings are still there before returning to her "comfort zone". This time, shes escalated my anxiety and her brashness by choosing a comfort zone that is exponentially more uncomfortable for me - her ex husbands house.

3.  Because of this new comfort zone she has employed, her attacks which center around her ability to trust me have increased. This is due to her need to keep the peace in comfort zone because, unlike when she would stay at her mothers, her ex will flip if he catches her contacting me in any way. He takes this as his chance to win her back.

4. Because of this, she has increased her use of the silent treatment because it is vital to the stability of her comfort zone. This raises my level of anxiety and weakens my ability to think clearly because the less contact, the more my imagination runs wild

5. Her contact with me is consistantly - accuse, threaten, show weakness and a want for things not to end so i continue to be engaged, a promise for further contact, the conversation ends and the silent treatment cycle begins again.

I feel stuck. Ive attempted to garner some type of solid evidence (she is attenpting to get back together with her ex; shes cheated; she doesnt love me; etc) that will allow me to enforce a boundary or even walk away. But everytime i do, she begins to almost act child like and show she actually doesnt want to lose me, and that causes me to back off of everything... .and then the continual acceptance of a next contact that never happens, and signals the cycles restart. HELP.

[Goblue22]

Ive reached my point. The silent treatment has continued all day, despite my attempts at cordial, happy contact. Ive given her a deadline... .aboundary of 6PM today that i need to be contacted and that this will never happen again regardless if she does or does not.

I have no doubt she will test it, and i am fine with that. I refuse... .REFUSE to spend another moment fighting/worrying/giving it my all for someone who chooses manipulation to keep me hanging by a thread. **** her abandonment issues, **** her anxiety and her stress. **** her if she chooses this. I deserve better. This is my last attempt at creating a boundary for her if it doesnt work.  She has 7 minutes to contact me, or i will unleash a silent treatment that will go on for weeks... .i read that there must be consequences for her demolishing boundries and they are now set. No more weakness on my end.

I have to change. And it starts with no longer giving into her disrespect of boundries.