Daughter in Rehab update

[jellibeans]

Hello everyone

I decided to start a new thread about my dd. She is in rehab again and didn't go willingly this time. She has made some progress but we have now hit a wall. With her birthday only two weeks away she has decided that she no longer wants to be sober and wants to sign herself out on her 18th bday. They still get to keep her for four days and try to change her mind but after four days they drive her into town and give her a few dollars. This has happened before and usually after a short time the client returns to the facility. Not sure my dd will actually leave or not but she is pretty defiant so I think there is a good possibility she will walk.

I wrote and letter today for her counselor to read and it spelled out our boundaries very clearly. She will not be welcomed back home, we will sell her car and her phone, We will not give her money including the money she received from graduation and I will inform my family of what has been going on and I will not keep her secret any longer. We hope this we help her find her way back to the place where she wanted help but we really don't know.

I do know that my family is pretty tired and we are ready to let her go if she chooses drugs over sobriety. My husband is under a great deal of stress at work and it is having a really hard impact on him. We have told her we love her and that we are here for her when she decides she needs help but the sad truth is she really doesn't care. Could be that they are hitting on issues she find too upsetting so she wants to flee I am not sure. There are going to be hard times when working through trauma but my dd is fearful of touching on that subject. She just doesn't have the mindset this time around and simply told us she doesn't want to be sober.

So now we wait until her bday and see what she will do. She doesn't want to participate in the family sessions anymore but I did ask if my older daughter could talk to her instead and they are going to suggest that to her.

Any advise is welcomed... .we really are out of options right now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

Dear, dear jellibeans,  I am so sorry for all that you and your family are dealing with.  It sounds like though really difficult, you have your boundaries firmly in place.  The pain and frustration with BPD can be so overwhelming.   I don't have any advice, but just want you to know I am thinking of you and hoping for the best.

[kelti1972]

Hi:

I hear your frustration today too.  I am fuming with anger and disappointment today too.  We kicked our son out four months ago and we were going to sell his car and he could never come back to our home again etc. etc.  He was homeless for four days.  He said he found God, then ended up at sober living and doing 12-step.  We thought he had found a sponsor he really loved, and we felt so many miracles had taken place.  He said he didn't want anything to do with his old friends.  Then he got diagnosed and the therapist wanted him to come home to a stable place, and we allowed it.  Put up boundaries, no drinking, drugging, pays rent, etc., etc. 

Well after time went by he says he is not a drug addict.  He made up that whole elaborate story and he now has connected with old friends, doesn't want anything to do with 12-step or his sponsor.  He is going to therapy, and starts DBT soon and wants to do that and just got a part-time job, knock on wood.  We cannot hire a detective to monitor his social and public life, so here we are.  Hoping some good will come out of his therapy and DBT.  We are giving him a year to work this program, to see if any changes will take place.  There are not gaurantees in life that is for sure.  Good luck to you you are not alone Kelti

Well I am fumingg because I wanted him to stay with a 12-step program too and have a sponsor and not reconnect with old friends.  But I realize things are not going to go as I desire, they are going to go as they go.  I just hope I do not have to gro through the trauma of kicking him out again like we did the last time.  I hope he can live up to the boundaries in our home.

[mggt]

Dear Jelli, I cant even imagine the worry you all must be going through.  Your boundaries seem excellent and to let all the other family members know is a very good idea so many times our bp make us such elaborate lies about us that sometimes people tend to believe them so putting all your cards out on the table is a good idea.  Hopefully her sister will have some impact on her are they close?  I have no advice but just stick to your boundaries and I will be sending prayers and positive thoughts your way stay strong mggt  

[tristesse]

hi Jellibeans

Just like the rest of the bpdfamily, I am sorry that you have hit a wall . I did notice the strength and resolve in the tone of your post though, so I sense that you will get through this no matter what your DD chooses to do.

The fact that she says she does not want to be sober, is a scary thought, it's hard to help somebody that does not want help. Perhaps the letter you had her T read to her, will make an impact, and she chooses to do what she knows she needs to do, But we all know a person with BPD, often does the exact opposite of what they should. We all know they act on emotion and their perception of how things are in the world around them.

At any rate, regardless of what your DD decides to do,  I feel you will persevere.

I pray for you to have continued strength and courage as you wait out this storm, know that I am  thinking of you and your family.

Take care.

[Kate4queen]

I think you've done everything you can at this point and have shown amazing courage. Sometimes setting those boundaries for ourselves goes against everything we ever thought we would be doing as parents, but sometimes taking those first steps back  help our adult children find themselves again. Stay strong.

[jellibeans]

UPDATE: Well it has been a while and I won't bore you with too much detail but my dd did not walk out on her bday. She has been working on her recovery and has touched a bit on her trauma. She is not the model client at her rehab but she is making pregress. She has been there 48 days now. Communication is pretty limited and we have only been able to visit a few times. She was recently isolated in the Unit... .a more intensive place for those who are not following the rules. They seem to think this has made a diference in her outlook. She received her release date recently and we have begun the process of finding aftercare - in this case sober living and listing our boundaries around that. We are hopeful but we are also tired too. Now that she is 18 there is a shift in our thinking and hers. I hope that is for the better my friends... .

[lbjnltx]

That she is staying of her own choice is of the highest importance jellibeans!

She is choosing sobriety and recovery over addiction and illness.  This is huge and I pray that she continues to take steps, be they ever so small, in this direction continuously.  True and real progress is neither quick nor lineal and requires patience, perspective and tempered positivity.

Are you and your husband working with her recovery team to sort through the limits and boundaries set regarding support after release?


lbj

[jellibeans]

Yes ibjnitx... .we have begun that processes.

Here are our thoughts... .Dd will be in a sober home where she will get a lots of support with IOP and job skills. She will have individual therapy as well with the counselor of the IOP. The drug test three times a week. There are house rules. Up at 8 for meditation and out of the house from 10 to 3 looking for work or volunteering or school. She gets a gym membership and there are house meeting and daily check ins with recovery coach.

PHONE

We are not giving back her phone. We feel at this point she should buy her own phone with new number.

CAR

We are not sure about this but we are thinnking of not giving back her car until we see some progress on the job front or at least time sober in the sober home. If she relapses she will lose car immediately. We are just looking for her to earn car back. Not sure this is the right approach. Once she has car we would not want her to leave town without first telling us and getting approval for travel.

BANK ACCOUNT

We feel we should only have $200 in her bank at one time and control that for the first few months until she gets a job and can take over that independantly.

We are hopeful that dd will be successful and be able to contribute to her rent and remain sober going forward. I am not sure what other boundaries need to be in place. With her not living under my roof I don't feel I need a great deal. I would like to encourage her to come home for dinner one night a week. Not sure we have to make that a rule but it would be nice to see her regularly.

I am trying to stay in the middle... .not get too excited and not get discouraged. I am tired right now to my very bones and addiction has taken over our family for too long. I am determined to get my life back and focus less on my dd. One thing I am sure of she will make it... .it will be on her timeline not mine. I need to be patient and hopeful. That is where I am trying to stay on a daily basis. Thank you lbj for all your support. I truly don't think I would have made it without you and your insight.

[lbjnltx]

Phone, Car, Bank Account... .all privileges.

Privileges are to be earned... .or not... .her choice.

Transitioning from child to adult... .from dependent to independent can be both inspiring and shocking for our kids... .our part is to let it happen.

I like your determination to reclaim your life from addiction.  One concern I have is that she will have access to "free money".  Set her up to succeed, not fail. Can the bank account funds be earned in small increments?  Do you want to be that involved in her recovery?

[jellibeans]

Yes I want to be a part of her recovery. I am not sure how they include the family at her sober home and iop but I will check.

The only thing is she received $2000 in gifts for graduating... .she has money but I am fearful of her having access to the full amount. Maybe that is the wrong approach? We were going to take part of her funds to her treatment (though that hardly comes close to paying for it) We thought she could buy her own phone... .something like a go phone?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Yes I want to be a part of her recovery. I am not sure how they include the family at her sober home and iop but I will check.

The only thing is she received $2000 in gifts for graduating... .she has money but I am fearful of her having access to the full amount. Maybe that is the wrong approach? We were going to take part of her funds to her treatment (though that hardly comes close to paying for it) We thought she could buy her own phone... .something like a go phone?

Money in the hands of a recovering addict is a dangerous thing... .on the other hand... .it is her recovery and she needs to maintain it. 

I agree... .giving her $2k in one lump sum would be almost surely be detrimental to her well being... .and financial stability.  Can you talk with her about an allowance based on what her financial needs are?  Do you want to be involved in the decision making process about whether or not she has "earned" $ (privilege)  through responsible behavior? 

I give my d an allowance... .no more... .no less... .no questions asked.  It is up to her to spend wisely and live the consequences of her choices.

Might I do this differently if she were an addict/recovering addict?  Yep

[jellibeans]

Here is what I think we have so far. I talked to the sober home and they helped a bit work this out.

MONEY- To start we would give her gift cards to our locate grocery store. $50 a week for food and $20 for gas... .$10 cash for meetings. This should help move towards getting a job and supporting herself.

CAR- use of car for IOP meetings and job search. House manager collects the keys each day.

PHONE- in the beginning a go phone. Pay as you go phone. This is necessary for job search but won't have internet access.

Those are the main items. After 30 days and if she is doing what she needs we would see about adjusting. If she gets a job then I would be open to letting her have more use of the car. If she gets a job she would also be responsible for giving a option to her rent.

lbj... .I do think she really needs to take ownership of her recovery. She needs to know what will happen if she relapses. Car gone... .money gone... .home gone and she is on her own.

This is a work in progress right now and we will try and refine more but I think it is a start.

[lbjnltx]

Looks like a really good start!  Great idea on the store gift cards.

[madmom]

jellibeans---great job, sounds so reasonable and supportive.  You are an inspiration to me.

[jellibeans]

UPDATE: I wasn't sure if I should start a new post because this is really about my dd and her rehab. They have given her a release date and she is set to go into her sober home. Things going pretty good BUT and you knew there was going to be a but. While my dd has been in rehab they have changed meds. Within the first few weeks my dd decided she no longer needed to be on her lamictal so she stopped and I was told by staf that there was nothing they could do about it and they did not insist she take it or even wean off in a more safe manner. She just stopped cold turkey.

We soon we started seeing problems with her mood. She felt depressed... .she was more impulsive... .irritated. So they wanted to add a med for night time for sleep. My dd has frequent nightmares due to her PTSD. Some time goes by and they wanted to add Abilify to go with the celexa she is on. After a week or so they upped the Abilify to 7mg. My dd complains of feeling aggitated and unable to focus and still depressed so they add Wellbutin. Can you see where I am going here? Yes my dd has just been through the fast drive through and we are now just throwing meds at her and she is more and more unhappy and irritable.

So tonight I got a call from P and she left message... .dd going back on her lamictal but she wants to stop celexa. P wants to talk about another med for depression.

I am a bit loss with all of this. Going into this rehab she was doing well and her mood and impulsiveness were well managed. I am really worried she will get out of this place in worse shape.

At this point I am not sure what to do but I don't want new meds started so close to her release. I think stopping wellbutin and abilify is good. Let her start the Lamictal and wait until she is more stable to add anything else after she is reestablished in her new home.

I really could use some input on med changes. I have not been happy with how this has been handled.

[lbjnltx]

Med changes and their side effects are difficult to navigate through mindfully. I'm going through the same with my d18 right now. 

What kind of med supervision goes on at the Sober House?  Do they administer/control meds?  Seems like they would as they are a controlled substance.  Can you get feedback from them before making any recommendations to the P doc/treatment center?

lbj